MIL actively discouraging education

[GigglingLondoner]

NC for this. MIL benchmarks people. Usually ‘So and so got such a degree’ or something. So she takes education very seriously. Almost too seriously, they might have done nothing else but hey - they did that. They were in that set at school, or they know about this or that academic minutia. Indeed, it’s always been so important that anyone who achieved (especially monetary) success in a non academic field (like business) is actually inferior. My family had a lot of success in such an inferior manner which she bitterly resents.

So to the issue, SIL spends a lot of tine ramming the genius of her DC down everyone’s throats, something MIL participates in fully. MIL tells me more about them than asks about ours. As it goes, ours do nicely thank you very much but we just let their own progress speak for itself. I don’t feel the need to be do aggressive about it, especially considering the advantages they are at because of said inferior but non the less ever present legacy they can tap into unlike SIL’s kids (or her which again she bitterly resents).

So to the issue, so whilst MIL standard and well documented view is that education is the bee all and end all - even down to the very vocal joy she expressed as recently as even last week that SILs kids will be at such an advantage as they are so old in their year - she has almost taken to actively discouraging education with us: ‘if they don’t do well this year what does it matter?’ And ‘if they repeat a year or don’t quite manage to do this or that, it’s not important’. ‘It’s much more important that they just play’.

Now all kids are in primary, and if she had this view generally I would think she was pretty balanced but she seems to have one set view for everyone but us, where her view is almost at odds. So aibu to feel pissed off? That she is almost undermining? Like kids who say ‘it’s not cool to work’ whilst studying hard themselves in a bid to get ahead....(Not that it will work cos we would never listen to something so stupid). Or am I being far too sensitive and actually she’s just being a kind old grandma?

IMO you’re reading too much into it. I thought your post was going to be about someone like a former friend of mine, who didn’t want her son to go to university. I gathered that she thought it might make him ‘get above himself’ and make her feel inferior, since her own level of education was not great.

This is written slightly strangely

Like a slightly strange stealth brag.

@BigBadVoodooHat

You’ve got an ENORMOUS chip in your shoulder about this.

Whether your MIL genuinely thinks like this, or whether it’s something you’re projecting due to your own comparative insecurities, it doesn’t matter.

Ignore it, tune it out, get on with living your own life your own way. You can’t control what another person thinks or does, you can only control your own reaction to it. And your fixation on this does say quite a lot about your own insecurities about this issue.

Agree

I guessed your DCs were privately educated before you had written it; do your own parents pay for this from this from the despised business?

I agree that she is probably trying to undermine your kids as she thinks that they have an unfair advantage of being at private school.

@mynewusernameisthis

I don't get it. Play is the most important thing for young children right now?

Also - bee all and end all did make me chuckle

Me too.

Chill out op, your mother in law may be having a change of heart. People do you know.

I take it that what your mil is saying is it doesn’t matter about your children getting an education because you are loaded.

I think she’s probably just trying to be reassuring. I’m the kind of person who really values educational success. Probably not to the extent of your MIL but for me, a good education unlocked doors, and was transformative in terms of lifestyle and opportunity. Everyone probably knows that about me, although I probably don’t make quite the same comments as your MIL. I’m probably a little snobby though because I think it does matter where you study and what you study - making good decisions about course and university massively affect outcomes.

But, I have said to countless friends, colleagues, and fellow parents, that right now children just need to play and be loved. Everything else will come. I’m actually quite against the whole homeschool thing for KS1 for example, all I can see is that it is stressing out kids, parents, and teachers. So when someone comes on WhatsApp and says little Johnny won’t watch any of the videos or won’t do his phonics or his spellings I’m like ‘don’t worry about the work, just work some counting and phonics into whatever play you’re doing’. It doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being very pro education, just means that this is the best advice for this situation.

Maybe she's just tapering her advice to how she reads your priorities, with regards to the children's education. If you're financially secure with family business etc. She knows that your kids have that as a plan B (or plan A even), so no need for her to keep pushing academics. Or she just doesn't get the desired feedback/enthusiasm when she talks academic pursuits with you therefore she no longer bothers. Some people are just pro intelligentsia regardless of whether it brings financial success, but if she sees you and your family are not like that then no point in keep having that conversation 🤷

Yes, you must think private school is better than state - or else why would you have picked it? Therefore you yourself made a comparison on education and acted on it.

You're MIL talks about your SIL's kids to you? She almost certainly talks about your kids to SIL. That's how family conversation works.

As someone else said, you have a massive chip on your shoulder and your MIL can't do right for doing wrong. Poor woman.

You know, I've read-read your OP and - being brutally honest - I think the problem is that your mother-in-law is polite.

And that's not enough for you.

(Which is probably why she deals with you be being polite.)

Honestly, if you interpret your mother-in-law's extremely bland conversations with you as an assault on your values and as actively discouraging education --- you sound terrifying.

Actively discouraging education would be slipping your kids a tenner every time they bunk off school and financing a crack habit.

All your mother-in-law is doing is being bland and trying to keep a degree of psychological distance from you.

Which she is permitted to do, given she is a person in her own right and not a sentient adjunct put in place to serve you.

@AuntieStella

I think you're being far too sensitive, and are fitting everything she says into your own preconceptions.

There is no way she can ever be right, in your eyes, because your opinion of her is settled and you are even seeking validation of your version. She prizes education - so what? She's uninterested in your family's business - again, so what?

And now she's being sensible about school progress during pandemic, you're finding ways for that to be wrong too.

You really need to stop comparing yourself to SIL, and accept that MIL exchanges news about other members of the family, because it's a normal thing to do.

This.

Also I read this this morning, a quote by Anthony De Mello Jesuit priest and psychotherapist:
"The cause of my irritation is not in this person but in me."

Smile, nod, give your head a wobble. And try to imagine your MIL coming from a place of good intent. which you clearly do not

Is their private school pushy? Maybe she thinks your dc do too much? I know my own mother thinks I'm mad putting mine in an academic private school 😅 but we can have a good natured conversation about it

Could she just be mirroring each of your attitudes back to you? (Not that you don't think academics are important but rather you sounds more balanced in your approach). Sil seems very preoccupied with how her kids are doing academically so MiL is focusing on that with regards to sil kids. You come across as encouraging your kids to do well in school while also wanting them to be happy and realistic that primary school achievements don't mean a great deal etc. So MiL is reflecting that back to you.

Obviuosly I don't know her so could be way off base.

I had to Google benchmarking. I've heard benchmark as a noun, but as a verb it confused me

OP your mil may well prefer her other gdc, or be protective of them and Sil, or jealous. People aren't perfect, we're all.just human. Best to assume that people have good intentions and try not to get annoyed.

Fyi - my lovely, intelligent, compassionate mum can witter some absolute nonsense at times my sil is lovely and ignores. A less nice person could read all kinds of stuff into it.

@RandomMess

MIL probably has the green eyed monster because despite your "uneducated" (in her eyes) background your DC are likely to do far better in life as your DC will have connections as well as their academic achievements.

Your family achievements must stick in her throat when it's been via an education and career she seems worthless. One of her core beliefs challenged.

Without this descending into a private vs public school debate, how in the world can you say possibly OP's DC are likely to do better in life when you don't personally know the children?

Connections? Most private schools aren't elite and there aren't these super illustrious 'connections' to be made.

OP I get it. I think the people here saying you have a chip on your shoulder aren’t from a family where some kids are privately educated and others aren’t. We have a similar thing in our family (this isn’t personal as DH and I don’t have kids yet) - the couple whose kids are at state have a HUGE chip on their shoulder about it and are always making digs at the family whose kids are at private.

It’s awkward because of course the kids at private do have a big advantage. But what exactly were their parents supposed to do about that? Not send their kids to the school they thought was best for them because the cousins’ family couldn’t afford it?! No way! Everyone does the best they can for their kids, based on their values and the money available.

So basically I’m saying YANBU - they are clearly jealous of the advantage your kids are at. It’s a real shame they are jealous of you rather than being happy for you (again, not personal - the sibling with the private school kids in our family also has a much bigger house than we can afford but I’m very happy for them!) BUT seeing as you are in the stronger position here I would be gracious and just nod and smile whenever MIL brings education up. Then change the subject. As PP said, if the other kids are mentioned, just say “yes they’re doing so well, they’re great kids”. Then they have no true ammunition against you. Try to let DH deal with them - they’re his family!

At no point have I said education is not important. What I have said is I don’t go in for ramming childhood successes down other peoples throats as it just makes me roll my eyes and wonder what those kids will be doing in 10 or 20 years time.

We pay for the kids fees but there are other financial benefits the kids get that I won’t go into them or it’ll be all about the stealth brag which this wasn’t meant to be. It was meant to be about a marked and specific opinion change to her usual views and, yes there is Covid but I did miss out saying that she wasn’t being particularly Covid specific - that Scandinavian kids start education much later.

Your post is written in such a way I find it really irritating. The language you have used is really dramatic as was your response to your MIL.

How you responded to your MIL really says it all in terms of your views of her and your SIL.

I also find it really odd that you don't recognise the advantage your children have by going to private school and that actually its more likely that what your MIL is doing is trying to encourage her other grandchildren to grow up with a belief that education is important to ensure they have access to as many opportunities as possible.

Im sure you absolutely do let your children's accomplishments speak for themselves and if your paying for a private education I would expect them to be doing quite nicely otherwise what would the point be of paying for private education.

How did the conversation even come up? Was it as a result of discussion on provision for home schooling from you children's school?

Strange.

So to the issue...

You make no sense

@daisypond

I knew from your first post that yours would be at private school and the SIL’s at state school. That’s what this is all about. MIL thinks SIL’s children are at a disadvantage, and therefore it’s more important that they work hard and achieve. Your DC won’t need to so much because they have the backing of family money to smooth their way. That is what she will be thinking.

I agree with this, she’s probably thinking your kids have every advantage educationally and so you don’t need to worry about this, let them play. SIL on the other hand, she may be more concerned about falling behind so reassures her “don’t worry love, they’re old in their year and bright kids etc”. You can’t expect to agree with her on everything, but this doesn’t sound like favouritism to me.

Maybe she knows your kids have a massive advantage in going to private school and in a weird way is trying to redress the balance by encouraging their kids more. It's not the kids faults, or yours, but some people feel that it isnt fair when it comes to education that some kids have a massive advantage over others

I did miss out saying that she wasn’t being particularly Covid specific - that Scandinavian kids start education much later

Another drip feed? So its now nothing to do with covid.

I'm with your MiL, the UK starts formal education far too early for most children. Countries where the formal start is delayed to align with child development show results at 16 and 18 which are as good and often better as those formalising the process too early.

You don't agree with her - well that's up to you but what do you expect from this thread? Two adults hold different opinions, so what?

And has the provision from the schools over lockdown been very different?

Sorry that the way I have put all this is weird but tbh there was no context - she just brought it up between what she had for dinner and when she was having her jab. Yes she knows the kids school but I don’t talk about what they do or don’t do as she would usual show little or no interest.