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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that the effect on children's mental health is exaggerated?

614 replies

SmudgeButt · 30/01/2021 13:17

Look I have no doubt that lots of kids are missing their friends, school, grandparents. And all of these things will effect their development and mental health. But is it really that bad a situation compared to other things in the past?? Or is it just that we talk about it a whole nauseatingly more?

I'm thinking that the current situation isn't a patch on the effect of living in a country that's at war - thinking back to WW2 and the effect of being suddenly shipped off to strangers in the countryside or even to a different country. Thinking of those children in Europe who suddenly had to fend for themselves in Jewish ghettos or concentration camps.

People that survived (yes a lot didn't as they were murdered) no doubt had lifetime impacts but so many of their children say "dad was always cheerful, never talked about what happened".

AIBU to think that in a few years kids of today will say "wow, that was weird and I'm glad it's over, now let's get one with life" ?

OP posts:
Poppingnostopping · 30/01/2021 23:40

Before someone points out that lots of children round the world live in far worse situations, I agree, and their mental health is often very poor. My children have experienced significant trauma already in their lives, so lockdown on top at this very delicate moment is far from ideal.

That's why it's so bad. Some children who are more resilient or less traumatised or who don't mind staying in so much will be fine. Lots who already have mental health issues, or significant trauma, or are just teens who as a group tend to slide into depression/anxiety easily because of hormones, are suffering a lot.

As for saying if you are an upbeat parent your kids won't suffer- amazing, don't know why we bother having CAHMs or mental health services when if you just get up and have fun with your 15 year old depressed teen, they'll snap out of it!

ladyamy · 30/01/2021 23:40

@IDontMindMarmite

There's been more deaths than ww2 and ww1 combined so let's not underestimate the fear we are living in.
That isn’t true.
BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 30/01/2021 23:41

It's all relative, isn't it? Without a doubt a lot of people in the wars had it a lot worse. But that doesn't mean that people aren't suffering now. Or that others aren't thriving. It's too complex to generalise.

HamnetandJudith · 30/01/2021 23:45

When your teen is actively hostile to you and says that they want to die and want you to die too, smiling and having fun with them probably won’t cut it. Luckily, the therapy and the recognition that she may have ASD has helped us both.

ancientgran · 30/01/2021 23:46

[quote HamnetandJudith]@ancientgran I didn’t think you were smug. It is galling though when you are struggling with an autistic dc who isn’t coping and people are unaware of how hard it is for some dc.[/quote]
I hope it helps that you know not everyone is smug, I think sometimes people find it hard to understand that not everyone will react the same.

When I was a child I had lived in 7 houses by the time I was 7, I had been to 3 schools and I think I'd had 6 teachers due to moving halfway through school years. I think now I would be diagnosed as severely depressed, I can remember sitting in class and suddenly starting to cry, I'd just sob and sob. The teacher couldn't stand me, she made it plain I was a total pain. It went on for months. I think it was the summer holidays (I was shipped off to Ireland to stay with relatives and had a summer running round in the country) and by the September I was much better and had a new teacher. I think my parents realised it couldn't go on and we lived in the same house for the next 10 years. I can still remember the terrible feeling of helplessness, the absolute black depression. I feel sorry for anyone with depression. I did get over it and I hope all the children struggling now will get better, it might take time but have hope.

Iggly · 30/01/2021 23:48

Sorry OP I completely disagree.
We can always find someone in a worse off situation than ourselves but it doesn’t mean that our situation isn’t difficult!!

Children don’t have the capacity to fully understand what the pandemic means. Shutting schools and having lockdowns is actually a big deal - because life changes massively as a result.

And plenty of people will be in families who are struggling.

OP, you’re being really ignorant.

ReggaetonLente · 30/01/2021 23:52

WW2 fucked both sets of my grandparents up in different ways and definitely how they raised their kids (my parents). I think the effects of this will be seen for generations. But it is what it is.

Tellmetruth4 · 30/01/2021 23:57

This almost romanticised obsession with WW2 by many in the U.K. is strange as well as increasingly creepy and frustrating.

ZenNudist · 31/01/2021 00:02

I'm fed up of mumsnet. Why even start this shit? Everyone's problems essentially mean nothing because they haven't been a concentration camp?

Yes my dcs mental health is suffering. Much much worse are the legion of children and teenagers in the never ending queue for CAMHS. It's getting worse.

ancientgran · 31/01/2021 00:05

My granddad had a mental breakdown because of things he'd seen in WWII, he and my gran split up. My dad drank himself to death, apparently self medicating with alcohol so you can sleep and forget the things you lived through wasn't unusual. My mother had a great war, good money, GI boyfriend, she was young and single with no responsibilities.

Bit like now really, some people were OK and some weren't.

malificent7 · 31/01/2021 00:06

For me thinking about WW2 has been very heloful as i know however bad it is now at least I am not in a Japenese prisoner of war camp like my granpy or bombed in the blitz like my nan. Both were teaumatised but went on to have fun filled, good lives.

Alrhough i do think teens are getting a raw deal the technology now means they can socialise online till lockdown lifts. Dd is cery popular at school but enjoys the lack of drama at home. Although she is getting too much screen time.

malificent7 · 31/01/2021 00:06

Helpful*

ddl1 · 31/01/2021 00:07

It is impossible to see how being a child during coronavirus lockdowns will fit into history in 50 years time because we are all too much in the middle of it now and the ending is still unknown.

In some ways, I come relatively close to being an adult who was a child and then a young adult during coronavirus lockdowns. I had chronic undiagnosed health problems which resulted in a lot of isolation and then when diagnosed initially had to be treated with immunosuppressants, and so had to be very careful about infections. I also had a father on chemo, so as we say now 'extremely clinically vulnerable', and had to be careful not to bring infection to him.

For many years of my youth, my life was at best something like ''tier 2' and at worst something like lockdown.

I had a supportive family and did not live in poverty, so was lucky in many ways. On the more negative side, I was 'different' from my contemporaries due to these issues, and we didn't have the compensatory technology in those days.

What it didn't affect long-term: My academic attainment; my job performance; my ability to mix with others and make friendships,

What it did affect long-term: Permanent health anxiety, which is affecting me a lot now. Permanent guilt about possibly harming others, as I once feared causing my dad to become ill.

Well, that's anecdotal about one person! But I do sometimes think that people exaggerate the likelihood of permanent damage from being deprived of certain academic or social experiences at a specific age. For most things, there is not a critical age when one has to learn things or one never will. So long as children have normal exposure to speech and language; opportunity to form attachments to parents and carers; and are not exposed to extreme early trauma, they are likely to be able to function as adults, after coming from a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. For instance, some countries start school at 4 and some at 7, and it seems to have little effect on ultimate outcomes.(I am not talking here about the too-common situations where lockdown causes or exacerbates poverty or abuse.)

On the other hand, I think that people perhaps underestimate how much children pick up on the dangers of the virus itself; the fear of losing parents and other relatives to it; and the guilt of real or imagined transgressions that might cause illness in themselves or others. I think the current generation of kids may grow up with a tendency to both health anxiety and guilt-proneness.

But no one really knows now. No doubt there will be a lot of studies in the future. It also depends on how soon the pandemic ends, and how much it affects both population health and the economy long-term.

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/01/2021 00:17

My dds are coping, but it isn't easy. They've been lucky enough to be in good mh at the start of the pandemic and to maintain that so far. Some of their friends aren't so lucky. It's a struggle. Their world has changed so much. Ok, it's not a war zone, but it's still hard for so many young people, many of whom were already struggling.

ElliFAntspoo · 31/01/2021 00:27

Yep. Way over inflating things. Don't play the victim, and don't encourage children to play the victim either. All the panic merchants and hysteria paint the the world to be a really bad place, when it's not. Its our job the create a happy healthy environment for our kids at home, to encourage them to take exercise and go outdoors, and the paint a picture of a bright positive future for them.

It is irrelevant if, like some on MN, we think their entire future is doomed and they will be mentally damaged and doomed to a life of poverty as a result of them being uneducated and with MH problems as a result of having to homeschool.

Of course, home schoolers know that this is all BS, but I can understand that its a really scary place for parents who have never thought themselves capable of teaching children, and with headlines in papers almost every day like, 'Homeschooling is driving my family to breaking point and stealing my kids' childhood', todays Daily Mirror, I can understand why parents believe what they read in the paper. It panders to their insecurities.

Bottom line though is you can do nothing about it. So you have a choice to either do your very best to support your children like all home schoolers have been doing for hundreds of years, or crumble and pander to the histrionics of the entitled masses.

I think I'll choose to teach my children. Its a lot harder than play, an F'ing tiring, but I'm not gonna be a victim and I'm not gonna complain about it. There is a lot I can learn.

Sweet666 · 31/01/2021 00:37

My 4 year old has been crying a lot and very bored and depressed seeming, she is sick of being in our tiny flat all day and she misses seeing other kids, we go for our walk but it is just a bad area, no grass and trees and the playground is shut. She is going crazy in here

Silenceisgolden20 · 31/01/2021 01:05

@ElliFAntspoo

Yep. Way over inflating things. Don't play the victim, and don't encourage children to play the victim either. All the panic merchants and hysteria paint the the world to be a really bad place, when it's not. Its our job the create a happy healthy environment for our kids at home, to encourage them to take exercise and go outdoors, and the paint a picture of a bright positive future for them.

It is irrelevant if, like some on MN, we think their entire future is doomed and they will be mentally damaged and doomed to a life of poverty as a result of them being uneducated and with MH problems as a result of having to homeschool.

Of course, home schoolers know that this is all BS, but I can understand that its a really scary place for parents who have never thought themselves capable of teaching children, and with headlines in papers almost every day like, 'Homeschooling is driving my family to breaking point and stealing my kids' childhood', todays Daily Mirror, I can understand why parents believe what they read in the paper. It panders to their insecurities.

Bottom line though is you can do nothing about it. So you have a choice to either do your very best to support your children like all home schoolers have been doing for hundreds of years, or crumble and pander to the histrionics of the entitled masses.

I think I'll choose to teach my children. Its a lot harder than play, an F'ing tiring, but I'm not gonna be a victim and I'm not gonna complain about it. There is a lot I can learn.

Jesus Hmm
montysma1 · 31/01/2021 01:19

My kids are having an utter blast. They have taught themselves to bake, improved musical instrument playing x 1000, read countless books, are fit as fleas having built circuit courses in the garden, have built a tree house, are in the garden until dragged indoors even in bad weather, speak to friends every day. In the lovely weather during first lock down my husband put a tent up and he and they slept out every night for weeks, trooping in for breakfast in the morning.
They will be gutted to go back to school and I am enjoying it too.
We just resolved to be positive about it and the kids have taken their cue from that.

RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 01:23

@SmudgeButt

Look I have no doubt that lots of kids are missing their friends, school, grandparents. And all of these things will effect their development and mental health. But is it really that bad a situation compared to other things in the past?? Or is it just that we talk about it a whole nauseatingly more?

I'm thinking that the current situation isn't a patch on the effect of living in a country that's at war - thinking back to WW2 and the effect of being suddenly shipped off to strangers in the countryside or even to a different country. Thinking of those children in Europe who suddenly had to fend for themselves in Jewish ghettos or concentration camps.

People that survived (yes a lot didn't as they were murdered) no doubt had lifetime impacts but so many of their children say "dad was always cheerful, never talked about what happened".

AIBU to think that in a few years kids of today will say "wow, that was weird and I'm glad it's over, now let's get one with life" ?

People that survived (yes a lot didn't as they were murdered) no doubt had lifetime impacts but so many of their children say "dad was always cheerful, never talked about what happened".

I'm genuinely stunned.

Good of you to remember that lots were murdered in such a meaningful way.

Men may never have talked about what happened but that is part of the reason for the state of male mental health in general.

What are you saying here? That we should ignore our worries for children's mental health because at least they're not in a war?

Silenceisgolden20 · 31/01/2021 01:28

Can't read this thread anymore.

Quaagars · 31/01/2021 01:47

@SunsetSenora
I think a lot of distress is the messages they get from parents - so if they are acting like this is awful and unbearable, the kids will be distressed by it

I think there's something in this.
Not dismissing children's feelings, but I know my early teen is feeling down, wanting to go back to school and getting upset.
All I can do is encourage him, get him out in the fresh air for walks and exercise etc.
So hard on the teens when they can't go out like they usually would

Quaagars · 31/01/2021 01:50

Pressed too soon
I always try and act positive
"It's Feb in a couple of days, hopefully will be back at school in March. In meantime, exercise, games, just try not to worry and enjoy now

Quaagars · 31/01/2021 01:53

@IDontMindMarmite

There's been more deaths than ww2 and ww1 combined so let's not underestimate the fear we are living in

Maybe I've missed a post, apologies if so but link/source to back that up please?!

bingowingsmcgee · 31/01/2021 01:54

Can we have an AMA or a guest chat with a camhs practitioner or a child psychiatrist, about how we can best support our children? Can anyone in agreement tag mnhq? I don't know how to do it'.

Ylvamoon · 31/01/2021 02:03

Yep. Way over inflating things. Don't play the victim, and don't encourage children to play the victim either. All the panic merchants and hysteria paint the the world to be a really bad place, when it's not. Its our job the create a happy healthy environment for our kids at home, to encourage them to take exercise and go outdoors, and the paint a picture of a bright positive future for them
Bottom line though is you can do nothing about it. So you have a choice to either do your very best to support your children like all home schoolers have been doing for hundreds of years, or crumble and pander to the histrionics of the entitled masses

Right! Let's paint rainbows and smiley faces on our walls to combat depression and anxiety. And take the DC on a daily walk even if the whole family will end up soaking wet and freezing cold. (No such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing - righto!)
Forget about holding down that pesky job - the one that keeps the DC fed, dry and clothed- and teach them critical reading, measuring potential difference and a bit of Tudor England.
Because being a parent = expert in every subject of the curriculum.
It's really that easy ... not sure how any child can suffer mentally when all they need is devoted parents and a screen.

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