Something unkind which has stayed for you forever 😟

[Heartbrokenstill]

My grandmother who I never saw from year to year.. I was about 7 when my mam and dad took me to hers at Christmas (I never ever got a Xmas gift or card/birthday card/gift from her) I was a shy quiet child and she had a real Christmas tree in her sitting room and I put my hand underneath a beautiful tree toy just to look.. not taking it off the tree or anything and she smacked my hand away.. mam and dad was drinking tea and never saw she died years ago but I still feel the sadness of the little 7 year old I was all them years ago .. Don't know what I want from this post but lockdown really makes you feel low... I am nearly 60 no just to give you a idea how long ago it was

Someone told me that I looked like Michael Gove

Oh another one, not from my parents. I did Camp America one year. For those who don't know, you typically spend several weeks working on a camp and then spend 4-5 weeks travelling with people you've met there.

I asked to join up with one group who were planning a route that I was also keen on. We started to plan the trip. After a few weeks I realised that no one was discussing it when I was around and went quiet if I mentioned it. Eventually one of the girls told me "I'm really sorry but [the two cool girls in the group] have decided they don't want you to come with us". The others clearly felt bad about it but these two queen bees were never challenged. I was devastated. I had been nothing but nice, I didn't understand what I could have done wrong that meant they decided to force me out, except perhaps (see above) my slight social awkwardness. 28 years later and still so painful to remember. If you're reading this Bev and Kim, you are really nasty bitches and I hope no one ever treats your children like that.

When I was a teenager (typical - sometimes moody) my mum and me had an argument and she said ‘you’ll never find anyone to ever love you as you’re a horrible vile bitch’
That’s always stuck with me.

@butidontwantthis I had a GP say something like that to me once. I was 15 and had anorexia. Their words were "In my experience, if you were going to do it you would have done it already." The worst thing about that was that my Mum was sat right there!

A few months later I took an entire packet of sleeping pills and went to school. When my parents arrived at the hospital they were cold and cruel to me instead of supportive and concerned. I never did get any mental health support and my issues plagued me until I was old enough to ask for my own support.

My mother once irritably saying in front of other people in a supermarket clothes section 'your size is hard to buy for' when I was 11. I was tall for my age, 5'6" and big boned, which I still am, but fit size 10-12 so she could have easily just bought me women's clothing rather than trying to find kids' clothes to fit. We could afford it.

It doesnt sound much in isolation but made me feel like such a huge oddity and a pain in the arse and along with regular other remarks, I think left me with shit self esteem and on and off eating disorders until now.

I was also called ugly by many people at school and I'm now 36 and its stuck with me. I look at my dd and wonder how someone so ugly could create such a beautiful little girl.

@Asthenia I wonder if we have the same family - weight is a hot topic here too and it is so toxic I have vowed to not pass it to my children. I have had a very unhealthy relationship with food in the past and I work really hard now not to see food as good or bad but moderation etc but I still have intrusive thoughts about my weight, what I'm eating etc. I was a fat child (my Nan asked me once if I enjoyed being so much fatter than all my friends) who became a fat adult and decided one day I'd had enough and lost the weight (5 stone) and kept it off. My mum could barely hide her jealousy (she is actually a feeder and thrives on feeding people!) and regularly made comments like "yes that looks nice in a size 10 but I'd still buy a size 12 - just in case" and "are you sure you are going to get rid of those clothes - just in case?" I'm now having a horrendous time processing the fact I still have half a stone on from pregnancy, even though DD is 15 months so I really should have "slimmed down by now".
I'm determined not to let my children have these issues and DH knows all about them so even though sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about the children (DS gets bigger round the middle just before a growth spurt and I get really panicked that he will end up fat and bullied like me) he knows how to calm it down and rein it in (and I would NEVER say anything to the children).

Despite all this, my mum and I are very close. We just can't spend too much time together all at once (think several days) as it wears me down mentally.

As a more savvy adult, I would say anyone who says something really mean is saying it more about themselves than the person to whom they appear to be addressing their insult.

Absolutely.

mum and I are very close. We just can't spend too much time together all at once (think several days) as it wears me down mentally

I get this Jalapeno When I was a slim, fit 19/20 year old I expressed an interest in becoming a long haul cabin crew member for a year or so. I was just filling in the forms when my mum rang, all panicked, to say she'd heard there was an upper size limit (I think she said 12, which I was under) and I should think twice about applying as they would probably turn me down. Needless to say the forms went in the bin!

I think it was misguidedly wanting to protect me, not realising I wasn't the chubby kid anymore.

My mother telling me I was a confounded nuisance for wanting her to play with me when I was a young child because my younger twin sisters were less demanding.
She unfavourably compared me with her friend’s daughter at every possible opportunity until (and after) I left home. At that point she told me I would never return home and she cleared my bedroom of every single possession I didn’t take with me to nursing school.
Never being told she was proud of me and neither of my parents ever saying they loved me.

My mum once told me she hated me and wished I'd never been born, because I'd broken a comb of hers. I was about 8. Found out later in life that she was bipolar and once getting medicated she was incredible, I miss her very much. But that will never leave me.

[quote Itsmadhere]@butidontwantthis I had a GP say something like that to me once. I was 15 and had anorexia. Their words were "In my experience, if you were going to do it you would have done it already." The worst thing about that was that my Mum was sat right there!

A few months later I took an entire packet of sleeping pills and went to school. When my parents arrived at the hospital they were cold and cruel to me instead of supportive and concerned. I never did get any mental health support and my issues plagued me until I was old enough to ask for my own support.[/quote]
it’s horrendous the amount of damage GPs etc can do . I often wish I’d complained (and my new GP tried to persuade to me to do so) but I wasn’t sure it would change anything .

I don’t really discuss mental health easily, too scared . I’m still in contact with the second GP though, credit her with saving my life .

My mum was similar with mental health, told me she couldn’t cope and not to tell her . I genuinely think she just didn’t know what to do but did hurt at the time .

Well I don't know about anyone else but I find writing these things down quite cathartic.

During the last week of term when I was 12 or so, the school organised a week of various activities and we were allowed to choose different ones to do each day - eg go to a theme park, go to the woods, go swimming etc. I remember asking my 2 'best friends' what activities they were choosing so I could pick the same ones and we'd be together. When the final activity lists came out their names weren't on there alongside mine and they both said they must have made a mistake with the days. I knew they had done it on purpose and I ended up wandering around a theme park alone one day as I was very shy and not friendly with anyone else who was there. I felt so hurt but just kept quiet and pretended everything was fine.

I have so many examples just like that. I recently connected with a group of women I went to school with and one mentioned how ashamed she was that she had said mean things to me at school. I actually didn't remember her comments specifically as she was part of the 'popular group' at the time so I could genuinely tell her it was fine and not to worry. She told me that despite how she acted towards me at school, she always thought I'd do well in life and was happy that I have (I'm not particularly successful or anything, but happily married wirh a decent career). This was actually really nice to hear. We get on very well now.

I lost my Dad at 19. A few years later , I asked to stay temporarily with my DM to relocate back home, find a job & flat etc ( my older sister lived with her, huge house) . She told me no & screamed that I'd "always been a millstone round her neck". (I was a really shy child & struggled socially but was never any trouble, got a degree etc.) I never went back . Ive realised I'm not all the things she used to say,: I was just a handy scapegoat. But I do feel sad for that shy , quiet 19 year old girl who did all the adult stuff for her when my Dad died & got no support herself. It was a lonely time, my Dad was a huge presence ,suddenly gone forever

@JalapenoCheeseOnToast unfortunately I think it’s all too common. I have such a loving and supportive bond with them otherwise but I think their shame and guilt about being overweight then producing overweight daughters is such a cycle - one that I’m determined to break. I also think there can be a real instinct to crush young girls’ spirits if they’re deemed to be too confident. I don’t know what they’re thinking. I’ve had a few chats with my mum as an adult where I’ve set boundaries - I.e. mum what I eat and what my body looks like is not up for discussion, it makes me feel bad when you talk about those things. And I think she’s slowly getting it. I’ve told her she needs to be kinder to herself as well - if that’s what her actual voice can say to a child, what can her inner voice say to her?
I will not hesitate to shut down anyone who says anything like that to any children I may have. Sorry your mum and nan are like that, I really do empathise. But it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job with your own kids and not projecting onto them!

A teacher at School used to scream in my face every day, blamed me for anything that was lost/hidden. Lego got thrown down the drain, everyone said it was me (it wasn't). I was never allowed out to play, because she did not like my hand-writing. Every day I was kept in. My Mother complained several times only to be told that this teacher was very good, and could not be spoken to about this issue. My Mother got very fed up with this situation, as I refused to go to school, and she could not go to work. She went down to the school, had a word with the teacher, and said she would punch her in the face if she did not stop bullying me. My Mother has never threatened anybody since. And, the teacher never shouted at me again. I still have a feel of rage against anyone blaming me for anything I havent done. I have lovely hand-writing now, but it was achieved in a negative way.

@ImHavingABadBadDay

Your mum sounds hideous. Did you get away from the DV??

My half sister used to 'look after' us when I was growing up. My mum was widowed when I was 2 and my brother 4. My DS was from my mums first marriage where her father cheated on my DM. My DS was 16 years older and really didn't like us at all! On a daily basis she'd say casually drop dead/why don't you drop dead salsmum! I have been NC now for quite a number of years.
I also worked on a busy marked stall when I was a shy 17 year old and there was a really loud guy who worked on a stall selling gold, he used to gather a crowd doing magic tricks. One day in front of the crowd he came over to me and shouted 'I'm going to marry this girl, to prove I've got a sense of humour! As an adult I try to be as kind as I can be to others as I know how much words can hurt... a couple of years later mr charming gold seller was imprisoned for child sex abuse.

I heard second hand that a close relative thinks I'm an ' under achiever' .
It does hurt. I know I'll never be a CEO or prime minister or anything but I've done my best. Just not born with any great brains and I do struggle with things and my jobs have always been menial or low paid.
Things that happen to us as children do stay with us op.

My mother said so many shitty things to me growing up.

I once said I was going to meet a friend, she said 'who? you don't have any friends.' (I was very self conscious about my lack of friends.)

When she found out I was cutting myself, she called me a freak.

When I told her I was going to study hard, she said 'yeah let's see how long that lasts.'

The whole 'I love you but I don't like you' thing that seems so common in this kind of dynamic.

After a massive falling out with my brother that ended in us all crying, her tearfully turning to me and saying 'well you've always been the odd one out that no one really wants around.'

When I got pregnant: 'thank God I don't live near you so I don't have to babysit.'

This thread is very therapeutic and sad😪. I was a really sensitive child but when backed into a physical corner I would snap. I remember I used to tick when I was about 7 due to bullying my teacher Mrs. Chapman (real name) called me a " spacker" and threw me into a cupboard for ticking whilr I was working. I reached into the cupboard and launched a metal stapler at her narrowly missing her head. I ran to the lovely head teacher as he wad so gentle and kind to children to find the Nazi style deputy head. I told him what happened and he picked me up by my school tie to tell me off. Queue a smack round the chops from me to him and I ran home crying to my mum followed by our care taker. You couldn't write it. I always wondered what happened to both of them. I found out years later they were married. Id quite happily slap them both if I ever saw them again

She has also told me so many times when I've asked her to be a little gentler with me: 'you'll understand when you have kids.'

It's the opposite. Every day, I tell my son I love him, I only tell him good things about himself, I tell him how happy I am he's my son. I'm far from the perfect mother, but I never want him to feel how I did. I was so alone as a teenager and even now in my late 30s, I sometimes just want someone to turn to for advice and there's no one.

It's really hard.

When I was 11 years old, my dad died.

At the wake my brother in law (my sister's husband) aged 29, scowled at me ...

"Don't cry. you look ugly when you cry"

They're still married now. 28 years later. I've never told my sister or any of my family.

My OTHER sister's boyfriend overheard and hugged me as I sobbed even more

I was always an ugly duckling when growing up. Extremely pale skin, very unruly hair, huge round glasses and large front teeth. Was bullied through most of primary school for my looks by a group of boys in my class (mostly in regards to my paleness). When I started an all girls secondary school things settled down a bit, but there was a group of 'cool' girls a couple of years above me who used to invite me to walk home with them. They were friends with all the popular guys in our area and used to tell me how much one of the guys really liked me and wanted to date me but that he was "too shy" to approach me. This guy was actually one of my bullies at primary school. I had enough self awareness to know they were taking the piss but it continued for ages. They used to always try and get me to agree to a date with him. Everytime I said no, knowing they were setting me up to be humiliated but the whole charade went on for ages and more and more girls were approaching me saying how much this boy fancied me. One night I bumped into the popular guy when he was by himself and he basically told me that although I was a 'nice enough' girl he had no interest in me. Although I was perfectly aware of this fact it was still embarrassing that he thought I actually believed he was interested.
Another time my friends gave me a make over and paraded me around our estate.
There was a boy in my street who was very overweight and used to get bullied for it. I always stood up for him and quite liked this guy as a person (I hated bullies with a passion) As we walked past him he
threw a bunch of coppers at me (in front of all his friends) and said "there's money to buy yourself a boyfriend as it's the only way you'll get one". This particularly stung as I was one of the few kids that never teased him.about his weight. Incidentally when i got older I actually ended up doing a bit of modelling and the same boy then asked me out years later when he saw me on a night out. I still have huge issues with my looks to this day though and won't leave the house without makeup.

@butidontwantthis

My GP when I told her at 18 or so that I was self harming and suicidal .

Told me they’d cart me off if I didn’t start being more careful, that I was a silly little girl doing stupid things and everyone would always look down on me, for being mental:

‘Doctors can’t stand people like you, it wastes our time. You can tell me if you must, it can be our secret, because I won’t try to have you committed but anyone else would, so I’d keep very quiet indeed.’

This was in 2007-10 so not that long ago .

It was a good three or four years before I ever admitted it again, to a different GP in a different surgery . Still remember the look on her face when I told her my previous attempt to get help - she ended up in tears .

I still have that wobble when speaking to doctors, NHS24, etc now, that they might think the same thing - it’s definitely stuck .

If that doctor is still practising, you should report her.

At the very least she needs to have undergone some training in the intervening time and if she hasn't she needs a nudge.