Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

@letsmakethetea I think that's exactly it. I spent many years when very young on medication like that and felt like a zombie. Fine. But no emotion. Existing, not living.

Many of the responses on here about disposable income and early returement and holidays come across like that to me, just cold and dead, hollow somehow. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to those posters which is great, but the joy that children bring to life (and the madness and frustration and hilarity etc!) as you say, is the complete opposite of that. An emotional rollercoaster, certainly not for everyone, huge sacrifices involved, yet I do think it's true that people who haven't experienced it can't understand it. It's so obvious to parents that the love for a child is different to that for a parent or sibling or partner, but hard for someone who hasn't experienced it to understand. Impossible really. It isn't about them looking after us, it's the other way around!

I often think it would be funny to consider how mumsnet would react if someone posted about their toddler's behaviour but didn't say it was their child. If it was another adult (friend, family, partner, whoever!) everyone would say go NC! 🤣 But we don't.

I mean, why do almost all parents say they wouldn't change it, unless there was some enjoyment to compensate for all of the stress and expense and the limitations? As PP have said, it's obvious there are pros and cons and anybody saying there are no cons to missing out on having children clearly don't have the full picture. But how could they in fairness? Whereas posters with children seem to have been able to be more balanced generally because they can see both sides of it.

Fine. But no emotion. Existing, not living

I'm genuinely sorry that you felt that way, however, as someone without children by choice I've never felt like I was just existing and not living.
I'm not cold and dead, I have joy in my life that is meaningful to me.

I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to those posters which is great

You don't really think it's great though do you? That's very evident.

@AbstractHeart

As this is a parenting forum you're likely to get a lot of irrelevant or biased responses. I recommend posting this on a relevant subreddit instead, such as r/fencesitter

The opinions are neither irrelevant or biased they are just coming from a skewed sample pool.

On the question posed by the op - I don't think you can make this decision using a checklist, sorry. You have to go with your gut and risk the fact you won't know if you did the right thing until you've lived through it.

People can be happy or sad with children or without children. I've no more insight than that!

@MagentaDoesNotExist - once again, that is only your opinion, and believe me I'm happy that your children bring you such joy.

However, my lack of children was never motivated by wanting money, holidays, early retirement - and a good thing as I didn't get any of those. I simply did not want children, I've never felt the urge to have them, and I like my life as it is. I never wanted to be responsible for the lives of others and I really believe people who feel they don't want children shouldn't have them just on the offchance that when they arrive they will feel different about it. There are pros and cons to both options, but please look at the big picture. There are far too many neglected and abused children, and some who were not wanted in the first place - the joy you speak of doesn't seem to have touched their parents' lives.

@Meowchickameowmeow

Fine. But no emotion. Existing, not living

I'm genuinely sorry that you felt that way, however, as someone without children by choice I've never felt like I was just existing and not living.
I'm not cold and dead, I have joy in my life that is meaningful to me.

I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to those posters which is great

You don't really think it's great though do you? That's very evident.

For me no, knowing the joy of having children (which I was very against doing earlier in life, due to my own childhood), I would be very sad looking at my life objectively in a "dual universe" situation, and seeing the version of me without children.

They have enriched my life and my capacity to love and my happiness and sense of meaning in my existence in a way I never thought possible.

As I said, the highs and lows, the particular things you sacrifice for the huge benefits, would not be for everyone, and wouldn't make everyone happy. It's great that other people are happy when they have chosen other paths. I think the only issue on this thread has been people who have chosen not to have children trying to diminish the wonderful things that come from having them, saying "there are no cons to being child-free" etc. That we're all wrong, those of us with children, that that love is different to any other, even though you see that in many animal species not just humans!

We each weigh it up. For some the sacrifices involved to experience that fierce love are not worth it, that's fine. Some may not care about that at all anyway and be happy with a partner or single and pursuing other things. Nobody has an issue with that. But to pretend that different kind of love that parents have for their children doesn't exist is silly.

[quote eaglejulesk]@MagentaDoesNotExist - once again, that is only your opinion, and believe me I'm happy that your children bring you such joy.

However, my lack of children was never motivated by wanting money, holidays, early retirement - and a good thing as I didn't get any of those. I simply did not want children, I've never felt the urge to have them, and I like my life as it is. I never wanted to be responsible for the lives of others and I really believe people who feel they don't want children shouldn't have them just on the offchance that when they arrive they will feel different about it. There are pros and cons to both options, but please look at the big picture. There are far too many neglected and abused children, and some who were not wanted in the first place - the joy you speak of doesn't seem to have touched their parents' lives.[/quote]
Yeah, thanks for that. I was one such child so I am well aware of that, thanks for your insight on the "big picture". Nobody suggested at any point that people should have unwanted children and abuse them unless I missed part of the thread?

@Yoshinori

There are no guaranteed benefits to having children. They are guaranteed benefits to not having children.

Haha!

Even if this is accepted as true (far from proved)...

Low risk strategies have low yields.

So it generally supports what everybody with children has been saying.

I have a child and don't feel the joy other people seem to with it all. It was just about OK when I had a partner, but without one the crushing responsibility and paranoia is too much, and the practical & financial aspects are 1000x harder so we're both really held back in life.

@SwannieDownThe I am sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I've been a single parent since my DCs were babies and it can be tough. We have a lot of fun though too! I hope you are ok.

As a PP poster said, you can't miss what you've never had.

A bit like when someone's happy single, and has never been in love - having a husband seems pointless and a lot of extra hard work and extra consideration, on paper. Having to be mindful of another person all the time, not being able to just eat what you want (or not cook at all and grab a takeaway) as you're always having to ask someone else what they fancy doing for food tonight. You can't choose your own house decor without considering someone else, can't just be reckless with your finances, can't even watch what you want on tv without asking someone. You don't get the bed to yourself, extra clothes washing to do.

Yes you get sex, and someone to mow the lawn, but much easier to mow the lawn yourself and get a FWB.

But if you don't realise the amazing love of having a husband, the fun it brings to your life, how wonderful it feels to be living your life with and 'for' someone else, all of the above just seems like loads of extra work and having to have consideration of someone else's feelings for no reward.

I can't imagine anything more horrific than owning a dog - having to pick up shit, the smell of piss in my garden, hair everywhere in my house, having to walk the thing several times a day and then bring a muddy hairy thing back to my carpets, pay money to feed the thing. On paper there seems like not a single benefit. But people seem to love it, so maybe there's something I'm missing.

There are always lots of clichés on these threads.

With children - no money, sleepless nights but someone to care for you when you're old.....

No children - great career, travel, lots of money, not having to deal with stroppy teens, but nobody to look after you when you're old.

Reality is shades of grey in between. We are all different and have different interests and different priorities.

If you don't want DC don't have them. You know yourself better than anyone else does. Don't feel pressured into a major life decision just because you might regret missing out. You are just as likely to regret having DC if you didn't really want them.

I have had lots of colleagues without children either by choice or because it didn't happen.

One is living the dream on the other side of the world with her own vineyard, doing lots of sailing and partying (she's mid 50s like me).

Others have the same jobs as me, similar holidays and no great career with pots of money. Not having DC doesn't miraculously turn you into a super successful executive.

Pros for having children for me -

I always wanted DC and I've loved every minute. I've loved each stage and have been delighted that each stage gets better and better. I now have a 21 year old and a 17 year old and they're great company and lovely people.

In answer to pencil8888 s question earlier in how parental love is different to the love you feel for your parents, I love my DC more than I love myself. They are more important to me than I am myself. I'd jump in front of a lorry to push them out of the way. I wouldn't do that for my mum because she'd rather I lived than her....

But with that love does come a lifetime of back-of-your-mind worry. I hope they will always have nice friends, a supportive partner not an abusive one. I'm glad when they get it at night that nothing bad has happened.

Both DC have said they'd like to live abroad for a while, so the reality is that they may find partners and settle thousands of miles away. So nobody to look after us when we're old!

Good for them. I want them to spread their wings and have full lives. My joy has been raising them day by day, not what I can get out of them in the future.

Having DC has been the right choice for me. A had a career pre DC with lots of money, flash company car and lots of travel every year but it wasn't enough.

Cons of having children for me -

None really. I didn't mind little sleep, or wiping snot and poo. My teens weren't tricky. We'd have more money without them for sure, but for what? We still have enough and DH and I travelled while younger and are planning more travel now (Covid permitting). We can still live a life now DC are older.

Had my children been harder work for whatever reason, had they had long term disabilities that overtook my life forever I might have felt quite different. Its the luck of the draw.

I know there’s plenty of people who live away from their family but after losing dad a few weeks ago and mum having a heart op I can’t imagine her having to deal with this all alone including funeral arrangements, social services minefield and sorting out the estate. Giving up driving and the car and independence and some mobility and managing hospital appointments.

Doing this alone without anyone to help even emotionally, however far away, would fill me with horror and fear. I would imagine there are a lot of very lonely people out there with no help at all barely managing.

I’d see that as a pretty big Con myself.

I got kids relatively late, so have lived the child free life until late thirties.
Biggest pro for me was definitely the freedom to always do exactly what you want without attending to anyone else’s needs. Life was very easy and comfortable in that sense. Another big pro is that relationship with DH was better, much more romantic and overall better. It’s gone more towards parenting companionship now unfortunately.

However, I do not always understand the comments about traveling etc. Traveling is very much possible with kids too. We, for example, spent part of our parental leaves in an exotic destination. Same goes for money. We are not super high earners, but financially comfortable to the level that we don’t need to think of money in our daily life, nor when we plan for holidays within reasonable limits. This has never changed after kids. And same goes for living in different countries- we live overseas now. People with this kind of lifestyle are probably often able to maintain it even after kids, especially if they stop at one.
Also would like to add that the years with young kids or teens won’t last forever. Most people still can return to active “child free” lifestyle after the kids leave home.

The cons of child free life. Well, you miss the chance to get to know a wonderful little person, towards whom you feel love like towards no one else. I’ve never been a huge child person myself, but I have been even a bit surprised for example at how my own child’s tantrums don’t annoy me that much usually. What I feel more often in those situations is compassion toward the child and that I would like to make him feel better again. I didn’t feel so before kids, but now I do feel like life would be empty without them. They bring much joy, love and, yes, work to life that I don’t know what I did before with all my free time

I don’t enjoy being a parent on the whole. There is little joy compared to stress. Mine have SEN, but not severely so, I pray they’ll be independent adults. I resent the lack of freedom, we can’t do the nice days out and enjoy holidays as the kids don’t want to go out etc.

However, the love is different to anything else. I wonder if anyone with kids would disagree. It’s fierce, primal, protective. It’s a good thing but comes with anxiety and dread of anything bad happening to them, or to me as the impact on them would be terrible. This love can be partly hormonal and induced by pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding, so I don’t know if dads or adoptive mums have slightly different feelings, or the bonding is less automatic.

I feel envious of those without kids and long to even be able to take a walk with DH without them stopping us or ruining it (DC aged 9 refusing to continue or go home until bribed with cake on our last attempt). But when I think about life without them it does feel that something would be missing, a sense of emptiness and less purpose. I hope to enjoy them more as young adults. I don’t want caring for but I do want their company and to support and fight for them so they can fulfil their potential.

Overall I wouldn’t recommend it unless you really want it and are ready for the change.

Yeah, thanks for that. I was one such child so I am well aware of that, thanks for your insight on the "big picture". Nobody suggested at any point that people should have unwanted children and abuse them unless I missed part of the thread?

I'm sorry for your misfortune, but I was merely responding to your post which insinuated that people don't have children simply because they want a cruisy life. Some people don't think they would be a great parent and I feel it somewhat of a risk to have children on the offchance that you might be a good parent. I imagine some people look forward to children then find the reality somewhat different. I doubt anyone gives birth to a child for the sole purpose of abusing them!!!

I'm late 30s now and have no children and no plans to. I do agree that I'll never experience or understand the huge emotions of being a parent both negative and positive, and nor do I want to. However I equally think many parents don't understand how it is to age child free.

It's not an extenuation of your 20s, parties, hangovers etc. My life and mind have expanded in all sorts of ways that I wouldn't have time for if I was a parent - certainly if I was the kind of commited parent to young children that I'd like to be.

Children are enriching, I can see that, but they're not the only thing that brings life, colour and love to a lifetime. I hate my life being dismissed as empty because I'm not a mother. I am part of the 'village' for nieces, nephews and a raft of godchildren. My work and voluntary work is interesting. I have a range of interest and skills and friends and family. I'm able to spend lots of time with my aging mum which is a joy to me.

An observation from reading this thread - It's impossible to imagine or know what it is truly like to have kids until you have them.

But is this not true of many things? If you are an only child, could you really know what it's like to have siblings? I've read threads where posters say how glad they are to be an only child, which is fine, but they could never know what their alternative life with siblings would be like.

These threads always get very defensive, and in my opinion, it's when a parent says that their life would be empty without their children, some posters without children take that to mean that they are implying that THEIR own lives are empty.

But of course those parents' lives would be empty without their children - because the children exist, and the alternative is impossible and horrifying to imagine!

In a similar vein, I can't imagine my life without my siblings, but I'm not saying that people without siblings have empty lives.

OP if you're still reading, in my (and only my) opinion, if you don't want children, you're probably unlikely to regret it because you have no way of seeing your alternative life with them. You won't miss what you've never had. You can find fulfillment in many ways, and children are just one of those ways.

I can honestly never understand how people can place so much importance on “things”, or expensive holidays etc. All that ever really matters in the end is family . After a huge health scare recently and a stint in hospital, my children and my husband were my biggest comfort and support. We’ve certainly had our fair share of ups and downs over the years, and I’d be the first to admit parenting is often a lot of hard work, but the love we share makes it all worth while.

I think marenghisdarkplace sums it up quite well. Like having a partner or a dog, it can look like a lot of compromises and trouble for very little gain and certainly no promises for how things will turn out.

But, for me, having children is the single best thing in my life. I love my parents, and my partner, and my friends, but all of that combined is just a shadow of how I feel about my children.

I suppose I must be poorer in terms of money, and you certainly lose sleep and spontaneity when they are little, but I kept my career going, took them on holidays and honestly can't think of a single thing I've given up for them.

Now I'm in my 50s, and they are adults, they are my absolute favourite people in all the world. They invite me to things, include me in their lives, ring and visit often, and just give me so much happiness and joy. My friends and other family do all of that for me too, but it isn't the same, nowhere near.

Thank you for everyone’s replies, I didn’t mean for the post to get a little nasty, but I can see how this can be a sensitive subject.

Not wanting to is a great reason not to have them! It’s not like the planet needs populated! You will be able to do whatever the hell you want with your life.

For me I just wanted children. It was a selfish thing. Yes I can give them a nice home and life and love them but they wouldn’t have existed without me. Life was getting a little flat for me before I met DH and had kids. In my mid 30s I wasn’t going on wild nights out anymore, I had travelled and was no longer desperate to explore the world and be a free spirit. My desire was to settle down and have a family to love and who love me. My kids are still small so I can’t comment on the years to come but every day they bring moments of joy to me. When they are away from me I enjoy my own time but I am just desperate to hug them at the end of the day. They are so funny and individual and I am so proud of them. I guess we are lucky that we have people to babysit and have our own social lives too so I have never lost my original sense of identity. I also think it’s a choice to become one of those parents who finds it a monotonous and thankless task- I am not an outspoken person but I will not do the lions share of housework/cooking as DH and I are equals. My children are expected to help out and tidy up after themselves and be grateful for what they are given (I may eat my words when they are older but so far so good!)

I was never maternal in the slightest genuinely and I can't honestly describe why I decided to have children. I wouldn't change it now. I reckon without children my husband and I would have been pretty lazy and selfish (another weekend of boxsets lazing on the sofa). My parents are both dead and I take pride in my children being part of their legacy. I love the love I get from my children and give my children. They are fun and make me laugh and the sense of having my own complete family. I enjoy water park and theme park holidays. I think children can keep you young.

Now I would wonder what regrets I might have if I hadn't had them when I am facing my older years after retirement. If anything happened to my husband I would have my children.

I agree about the love thing, it's so different to loving anyone else. With regards to old age care, I don't want my DDs caring for me, and I know my mum feels the same way about my siblings and I. But I hope that I will still get regular visits if they live near, or regular video calls if they've moved away. My Nan was in a care home for the last 2 years of her life and I visited her every Sunday at a particular time. I would chat to the other residents in the communal areas of the home as well. Some of the child free ones hadn't had a single visitor in all the time they'd lived there, mostly because their spouse had died and friends had dementia or other health issues.

It was very sad, but there is obviously no guarantee that my DC aren't going to go NC with me and I will be in a similar situation in old age. I can also see lots of cons to having children, mostly around how much time you get to yourself. I imagine if finances are tight things are tough too, but we are fortunate enough to have a good income so don't have to compromise on things like travel and should have out mortgage paid off in our 40's. Overall, I get more enjoyment out of making my children happy than anything else.

The thing about children looking after you in older age is not just about visiting and providing actual care, but more to do with someone looking out for you and doing the odd favour when you need it (that you can return aswell)

This can equally come from a partner, sibling, friend or neighbour but it is nice for me as a child to be able to help your parents after all the help they gave me.

Your choice entirely OP, no one should be asking you such rude & nosy questions.

I had children, because I wanted too, I never thought I would necessarily want to, but when I approached 30, the desire to have a child was totally overwhelming. Having my DS’ 19 & nearly 18, is the best thing I ever did, no regrets at all.

I didn’t have them to look after me when I am old. I want them to have happy, independent lives.

But what is right for me, may not be right for you.