Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

@Iloveliberty

I can honestly never understand how people can place so much importance on “things”, or expensive holidays etc. All that ever really matters in the end is family . After a huge health scare recently and a stint in hospital, my children and my husband were my biggest comfort and support. We’ve certainly had our fair share of ups and downs over the years, and I’d be the first to admit parenting is often a lot of hard work, but the love we share makes it all worth while.

And I don’t get how anyone could assume that deciding whether or not to remain childfree is a choice of ‘things’ versus ‘family’, or materialism versus ‘love’.

I have a husband and child I adore, and I certainly don’t think that ‘all that really matters in the end is family’. Of course some childfree people may agree with you on the supreme importance of family, but would view that family as parents, siblings, cousins, nephews and nieces etc etc.

@iloveliberty

The only thing that matters in the end to you is family. And family is not just ones own children.

The opposite of having your own biological family is not having stuff. There are a myriad ways that life can be meaningful.

@PillowSandwich thank you. This is what I mean when I talk about a child free life being invalidated as meaningless. It's absolutely not.

In reposnse to PillowSandwich:
I think people think that those of us who are child free do it in exchange for things because it is often tangible things like financial stability/ travel etc that are mentioned in these threads.

For me not having children allows me time more than anything. Time to pursue other interests. Time to spend with DH on our relationship, time to spend with my aging parents, time to spend with friends, siblings, nieces and nephews. All of this leads to strong relationships with a wider group of people than just your own nuclear family.

I agree with a PP that people with children assume that child free people stay in a limbo state of our late 20s and early 30s. Career, party and shopping focussed. Most of us do settle down just like mostly everyone else. It’s just that our time is spent on different (and to us) more interesting things.

If you don't want DC don't have them. You know yourself better than anyone else does. Don't feel pressured into a major life decision just because you might regret missing out. You are just as likely to regret having DC if you didn't really want them.

Yes.

Life can be wonderful whether you have children or not. Having children is just a different path. If you really want children but can't have them that must be heartbreaking and not being able to have something you really want must be heartbreaking. However there are much higher rates of PND in mothers who have conceived through IVF and current thinking is that this is due to such high expectations of motherhood and the reality being very different.

My life is wonderful, but it would be no less wonderful on the path not taken, it would just be different.

I think anyone without children will always say there are no cons to not having them, because they haven't experienced the other side.

Experiences of what they see with friends and family members with children, is not and can never be the same as having your own children.

I have children and I have no cons. For those who have children that have brought stress to them, made poor life choices, have health conditions that unfortunately impact on the family, are uncaring, ungrateful, unappreciative, rude, get into trouble and criminal activity, then of course they may well see the negatives and regret having children.

I see finances mentioned as a con, but surely you know kids will cost. It's not a surprise that a child who goes to University will require financial support. I personally don't see this as a con, because I'm proud to have DC in University and we can afford it, because we planned up for it. Of course I'd have more money if I didn't have kids, but money isn't everything in life.

The biggest thing that irritates me about these threads, is those without kids making out that people with kids have been restricted in their enjoyment of life because they have kids. That they can't go on holidays, or nights out and that they live in poverty because of the cost of kids.

I have kids and my enjoyment of life hasn't been limited as a result. I've travelled and gone on holidays with and without them...usually twice a year. There's nothing I haven’t been able to do because I have children.

My SIL is childfree. She lives a good life and seems happy enough. I don't see any regret that she doesn't have children. I don't see her life as better or worse than mine. It's just different.

I very much doubt that when a couple get together to have kids, they think, great, here's one to look after me when I get old. You don't have kids for the sole purpose of looking after you in old age, but that may happen naturally and depending on cultural background, it would be a given.

Having child or choosing to be childfree is a choice. Make your choice and be happy with it.

I would have thought ifs unlikely anyone looks back on their life and wishes they'd never had their kids

Have always worried that in old age could regret not having children

Being a
Parent makes you very vulnerable in a way nothing/body can

@peanutbuthead

I would have thought ifs unlikely anyone looks back on their life and wishes they'd never had their kids

Have always worried that in old age could regret not having children

Being a
Parent makes you very vulnerable in a way nothing/body can

You would be surprised at the number of people who do.

@SandyY2K how old are your children?

Now I would wonder what regrets I might have if I hadn't had them when I am facing my older years after retirement. If anything happened to my husband I would have my children.

But they will have their own lives. They may be living on the other side of the world by the time you are older.

There's plenty threads on here which suggest many can and do regret having children

The biggest thing that irritates me about these threads, is those without kids making out that people with kids have been restricted in their enjoyment of life because they have kids. That they can't go on holidays, or nights out and that they live in poverty because of the cost of kids.

The biggest thing that irritates me about these threads is those with kids making out that those without are materialistic and lead shallow empty as essentially emotional cripples, unable to feel the full range of human emotions.

I have kids and my enjoyment of life hasn't been limited as a result. I've travelled and gone on holidays with and without them...usually twice a year. There's nothing I haven’t been able to dobecauseI have children

Try doing that when your partner leaves you with nothing and you're supporting those kids on one min wage income despite postgrad education, because you cant leave the geographical area because that would destroy their relationship with their dad, not that you should care because the fucker doesnt even pay maintenance but you do it for them, and trying to match childcare around it with no family or friends to help for free.

And you cant rent a cheap room, because they say no kids or you run the risk of bringing the kids up with partying druggies or peados in the same house, so the vast proportion of your income goes on rent.

I work with children, have my whole life since 16. I assumed I’d go on to have them. But I realised in my 30s I never got that pull or maternal instinct. I’ve also realised how hard it is and it’s not always plain sailing. My parent friends seem frazzled and stressed most of the time tbh. I love kid’s but I like going home after a crazy shift to a quiet house even more.

I’m 41and we haven’t had them. No regrets. We have a lovely life and I’m so glad I don’t have to go through a pandemic and climate change worrying about them and their future in this world.

No I won’t ever feel the all consuming love of your own child but I accept that. But you can’t miss what you’ve never had. I’ve a large family with nephews and nieces and cousins etc who I’m close too. A solid group of very close friends are a second family. I feel lucky and have always been surrounded by love, and maybe they won’t be there in elderly age but no guarantees your kids will be either.

As for old age I HATE that comment about no one to look after you. That is not the reason to have a family. I’ll be able to pay for carers with the savings I make from not having kids rather than rely on offspring to do it instead of living their own lives.

Child free people do sometimes probably get defensive but usually because they’ve been judged and patronised for their life choices.

I'll start by saying it's a personal choice but here's my observations from working with older people...

Those without direct descendants do start to have problems as care needs come onto the horizon, it's possible, I know someone who has, to be super organised, have a solicitor to hold powers of attorney etc. water tight will, care home provision etc but when it comes to day to day you are relying on friends/distant family to call the solicitor to enact the plans set re care home etc. And can be very lonely once friends start to die. Some of the childless people I know are close to nephews and nieces, I'll be frank - having a large estate to inherit keeps family closer!

But then there's the struggling childless, at the mercy of stretched adult social care services, as a child we do our best, done everyone's shopping who needed it since March this year but I've seen them slip through the cracks - I've been begging adult social services to intervene, and in one sad case a lady simply stopped eating and was found 3 weeks later when finally after calls from us they asked the police to break in (we monitor if vulnerable people come to church and call if they don't but if it's been two weeks, banged on the door etc we can't break in)

So I think my rambling is saying that child free and finances to cover the little and major things family would do to help you in older age is easier than alone and in poverty.

@SpotnDot

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

Wow. How absolutely vile.

@CounsellorTroi

Now I would wonder what regrets I might have if I hadn't had them when I am facing my older years after retirement. If anything happened to my husband I would have my children.

But they will have their own lives. They may be living on the other side of the world by the time you are older.

I didn’t have kids to look after me in later years..... I don’t think anyone does really... despite what you read on here..... but most people’s kids will be there for their parents in a way that friends never will ...... my eldest son lives a 9 hour plane journey away .....he has his own fulfilling life..a great job.....yet when I was seriously ill last year ..... and I’m not that old ( 50s) he flew home in the middle of a pandemic for 2 months ( despite me telling him not too) to spend time with me and support both emotionally and practically...... so I think ‘getting looked after in your old age’ can be an added benefit to having kids but certainly not the reason people have them...... and being on the other side of the world and having their own lives will not stop children from dropping everything to support their parents ( if they want to of course)

Also childrefree people aren’t materialistic emotionless zombies like some of the posts on here suggest . You can have a full life without raising children. Just because that is not your choice you don’t need to judge those who choose differently. I’ve never judged those who choose to be parents. I’m happy for them. My best friend only ever wanted to be a mum. She is now and I’m so happy for her and love my godchildren I just wish it didn’t make her so stressed all the time.

A fulfilling life isn’t just about children as much as it isn’t about travelling all over because we don’t have them. It’s everything inbetween. We all have different aims, wants and needs in life.

These kind of comments are exactly why child free people become prickly....it basically reads ‘oh your just too materialistic you need real love in your life then you’ll never need anything else again!’ Urghhh. Plenty of parents are far more materialistic than I’ll ever be. But I do like to experience MY life without children. I’ll make no apologies for that.

@reprehensibleme exactly and vice versa.

The biggest thing that irritates me about these threads, is those without kids making out that people with kids have been restricted in their enjoyment of life because they have kids. That they can't go on holidays, or nights out and that they live in poverty because of the cost of kids.

There are always some lone bitter poster who needs to make themselves feel better, I'd ignore those

but it's true that you budget differently when you book 2 plane tickets or when you have to book 6!

My holidays are the best times of the year, but they are planned differently with kids to make sure everyone actually has a great time and we don't end up like these posters complaining bitterly that's it's a nightmare to go away with toddlers or teens.

Life is just different with children.

Thinking about bitter posters, I just thought of one con of not having children when you are older:

you can't blame your lack of success, your failures on your children

Unlike all these people who can comfort themselves that they could have been CEO/ promoted/successful/slim/forever young looking/rich etc.. if they hadn't had a child along the way
of course they wouldn't, but whatever makes you feel better hey

I'm always a bit at the argument /pros for children, that you won't have anyone to look after you when you get old.
Does everyone really think that their children will drop there own life / job/ children to look after them ? Do you really have that expectation of them ?

@4redSocks

@SandyY2K how old are your children

Not to be outing, but they're University aged and went straight after doing their A levels.

My point is though, even when they were younger I still enjoyed myself and didn't feel restricted from living a good life, but that's because I made a conscious decision to be me an individual, not just Lisa's mum or Tom's wife when I got married and had kids.

I saw my friends as regularly as I did pre kids. I saw other family members even more. I went to the theatre, concerts etc, with the same frequency.

Even before they started school, I while went on weekends away/holidays with just DH and I also went away with friends, leaving DH and the DC at home, as did DH.

Perhaps it's because of what I saw from my parents growing up. They enjoyed life as a family, as a couple and as individuals with their own identity.

mootymoo

My experience of working with older adults (community geriatrician) is quite different. Care is more straightforward for those with no family. Those with family, it's easiest when there is only one person- be it husband, sibling or child.

The saddest times are where family, particularly children, are disinterested or worse want the cheapest option to preserve any inheritance they feel they are due.

There's much more complications when siblings argue about the course of action needed, or when the expectation is one sibling will provide care but they don't want to. Or where family have said they'll share care but it's fallen on one sibling. Worse yet when people are abused by their children, neglected (deliberately rather than due to distance or other responsibilities) or forgotten.

I see more negative outcomes in people with families than those with out. I think those with families are more likely to be at the extremes of the scale (both positive and negative) than those without. It maybe though for those people that raising their children when they were younger still makes it a positive experience overall.

What I'm saying is that we cannot guarantee what our old age holds for us, and I urge everyone to get a power of attorney and discuss their future wishes in advance (waaay in advance) and preferably write them down.

Even if you have children, unless you have the money to self fund and unless you give them or someone else power of attorney they cannot make decisions for you and you will be at the mercy of professionals.

@BaruFisher

In reposnse to PillowSandwich: I think people think that those of us who are child free do it in exchange for things because it is often tangible things like financial stability/ travel etc that are mentioned in these threads.

For me not having children allows me time more than anything. Time to pursue other interests. Time to spend with DH on our relationship, time to spend with my aging parents, time to spend with friends, siblings, nieces and nephews. All of this leads to strong relationships with a wider group of people than just your own nuclear family.

I agree with a PP that people with children assume that child free people stay in a limbo state of our late 20s and early 30s. Career, party and shopping focussed. Most of us do settle down just like mostly everyone else. It’s just that our time is spent on different (and to us) more interesting things.

But people with children have the exact same amount of time, once they hit independence.