Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Rubbish. You obviously don't spend much time on MN or you would see just how toxic some people's families are. Friends you choose, family you don't*

Couldn't have said it better myself. There are some pigs in my family. Truly bad people. My friends of 20+ years are my family.

@newtb

I didn't want dc due to an abusive childhood. Dh didn't want them either/was happy to go with what I wanted. Got to 40 and much therapy later the why? became a why not? Had dd at 41 and sadly ended up with both an abusive dh and dd who've both in turn tried to push me to commit suicide for a £100k life assurance - which is now cancelled.

Looking back I can see both pros and cons. There are things I would've missed out on had I not had dd and having her meant I missed out on things, too. Notably a 4th career as a psychotherapist.

Wtf ,how are you, are you ok? that's horrifying

Sorry for typos...new phone woes

This post did make me think of my cousin, who never wanted children. She had a great career, money, time on her hands. There were times I envied that freedom.

I love her but if I didn't swerve her sometimes, she'd visit regularly and I don't really want her visiting all the time.

I can tell the 'pull' is being around family life now that she's in her late 50s. She gets on really well with my 2 (now in their 20s). I imagine she wouldn't have felt like that in her 20s/30s/40s but, time changes people.

So you can only really go with how you feel now. & Thats fine, as there are no guarantees anyway. I know other women who were adamant they didn't want children and they seem happy enough to me.

I have children, now young adults. This is about the path not followed.
What would my life be like if I had never had children. For me the cons would outweigh the pros
Whether I had children or not I don’t think I could have avoided what has happened to me in the past few years.
The only thing that has got me through is my children otherwise I really don’t know why I would stick around.
They are also the reason I feel I could climb out of the hole that we are in.
If you really don’t want children then I wouldn’t have them. I have a lot of friends who have remained child free and are completely happy, have loads of money and were off pre Covid on holidays and had the time to learn new things and take up different hobbies and do all the things they want to do. For me I was swayed into believing that when people said children would wreck my life and I would never have any money or time to myself and all the other things people say were true and that I was foolish to even consider having children.
I had all the foreign holidays and travel and all the impromptu weekends away but I did get bored after 20 years of doing the same thing.
The moment I gave birth to my eldest everything fell into place. I wasn’t really looking for a child to fill a gap in my life or give me direction but as soon as I held my new born I was surprised at how much I felt had been missing. Just wish I had started sooner
I think if you have never considered children or don’t want them then your life will just be different to if you had wanted children and had them
My heart goes out to those who want children but can’t have them and the parents I know who have had a child and due to an accident when they were in their early 20s lost their only child. That is the worse heartbreak I have witnessed and you wonder if they had never had children or had more children it would have saved them from the life wrecking anguish

It is hard work having children don’t get me wrong, but the reward from them even when they’re tiny from gummy smiles up to when they’re a fully fledged member of society and become your best friend, and provide you with grandchildren to get further joy out of I think can’t be matched. My mums friends always comment on my children that she gets to enjoy and say how lucky she is. I just can’t imagine not having that when I am her age. I have a long while to go before my kids are having kids but family is so important to me, I’d be so sad to be in my 60’s+ and have no younger generation to guide and support and spend time with.

Whatever will you do if your children don't want to, or can't, provide you with grandchildren?

Hmmm. I have 2 small-ish ones and often wonder what it will be like when they are grown. It’s one of the things I’m excited about. But very aware they could decide to move to the other side of the world or something so trying not to have a fixed picture of what it will be like.

I think I could have been happy either way, but for me I think I always would have been curious as to what having kids was like.

But is is a gamble. Speaking for me, I have never experienced love like it. It’s fierce and complicated. It makes me worry about the future of the world in a way that I wouldn’t have before. But it also makes me feel so full I could explode. It’s makes thing ‘more’, for good and bad.

I found it hard to adjust and a slog at first. I earn pretty well, but it has definitely reduced my focus and progression at work which I sometimes regret.

We are lucky in that we are relatively well off so, although they cost a fortune, we can still go away etc. Also, lucky enough to have a housekeeper (a recent development) which takes some of the slog out of it and leaves more time for just the fun sides.

Whatever will you do if your children don't want to, or can't, provide you with grandchildren?
Both my sister and I told our parents we would not be having children. My dad was devastated at the thought.

Sister eventually had children and now uses them as a stick to beat my parents with. Even before covid my parents pined and longed to see those children more than the hour every other month or two that my sister dropped in (lives about 20km away) my poor parents scoot around after her being treated like shit... for mere minutes with their grandchildren.
Its painfully embarrassing watching them throw their dignity out the window just to appease their grown up child and avoid the wrath.

OP hasn’t bothered replying?
This website is obviously not the place for posts like this, as PP have said. You’re getting bingoed left, right and centre.
Forcing a consumer into 8 decades of existence on a dying planet is sheer self indulgence. Pretending you’re doing it to burden that person with providing nursing care for yourself in a few decades is repugnant , pretending it will benefit an existing kid is another lie, offspring do not and should not be expected to ‘unconditionally love’ their parent, it’s the parents job to do that, whether they bred a paedo/murderer/just another boring asshole.
Cons to being Childfree: absolutely nothing
Pros: every second of every day ☺️

Pretending you’re doing it to burden that person with providing nursing care for yourself in a few decades is repugnant , pretending it will benefit an existing kid is another lie, offspring do not and should not be expected to ‘unconditionally love’ their parent, it’s the parents job to do that, whether they bred a paedo/murderer/just another boring asshole

Couldn't agree with you more. I was that sibling...born to keep the older one company. A companion..a benefit.

Well thst sibling ruined the first 25 years of my life and I still struggle now.
I think we both resented the fact I was 'born with a job' she hated me from the moment she laid eyes on me.

Pretending you’re doing it to burden that person with providing nursing care for yourself in a few decades is repugnant , pretending it will benefit an existing kid is another lie, offspring do not and should not be expected to ‘unconditionally love’ their parent, it’s the parents job to do that, whether they bred a paedo/murderer/just another boring asshole

Well said! Children do not asked to be born, and shouldn't have all these expectations placed on them.

@DeeCeeCherry

Sorry for typos...new phone woes

This post did make me think of my cousin, who never wanted children. She had a great career, money, time on her hands. There were times I envied that freedom.

I love her but if I didn't swerve her sometimes, she'd visit regularly and I don't really want her visiting all the time.

I can tell the 'pull' is being around family life now that she's in her late 50s. She gets on really well with my 2 (now in their 20s). I imagine she wouldn't have felt like that in her 20s/30s/40s but, time changes people.

So you can only really go with how you feel now. & Thats fine, as there are no guarantees anyway. I know other women who were adamant they didn't want children and they seem happy enough to me.

Maybe she just likes you and/or your children as individuals? How can you be so sure it the ‘pull’ of ‘family life’?

See i find the post from the childfree posters come across as more balanced and logical than those from parents.
(I am a parent)

Really? I was just thinking that some (not all) of the childfree posters are being actively antagonistic.

Meanwhile, in the real world my friends with and without children all rub along just fine and don’t feel the need to compare who made the ‘right’ decision because we understand what is an advantage or benefit to one person isn’t to another.

Sorry, actively antagonistic is maybe not fair.

But for example, one poster insisting there are no advantages of having children, because their definition of advantage does not include emotions felt by the majority of parents which FOR THEM is the essential part of what makes all the downsides worth it.

Or accepting that FOR SOME people, the holidays and freedom start to lose some of its value after decades of being able to do that.

@Pencil8888

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents (massive caveat - IF you have a good relationship with and actually do love your parents!!)

I'm very lucky to have a fantastic close family, and I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. The thought of anything happening to them is horrifying. I don't always like some things they say or do, but always love them. I imagine the love I would have for a child would be similar but maybe more amplified, but do people feel like it's a completely different love?

Yes. Totally different.

I think 'will having children make me happy' is not the right way to think about it. Happiness is bound up in your attitude to life, whatever you're doing with it.

Having kids is sometimes like basking in a warm jacuzzi, filled with love and joy. It's also often like being pelted with cold water from a pressure hose.

There's nothing wrong with choosing not to have children, though I think people who don't purely because they want fancy holidays and so on are missing out on fulfillment a bit. Life has to be about more than buying stuff.

One of the reasons we had kids when we did was that we had reached a point where we had done enough travelling, dinners, parties, time with friends etc and felt like we wanted to go back to living in a family instead of just a couple. Both me and DP had lovely childhoods and I kind of got the stage when I was fed up with doing big exciting things and looked forward to the monotony of work, evening activity, weekend walks, holidays together. I realise this sounds dull 😂 But the pros of having freedom, travel, lots of money etc just got a bit boring for me and I was ready for a change.

Now that I have kids I do agree with other posters who say the love for your kids is very different than for anyone else, even DP. Also having kids has changed me in that I have learned more about how to handle emotions myself while parenting them, and more about what is important for me.

Of course everyone is different though. I imagine that many people who are child free by choice don't get that something is missing feeling that I had and are continue to enjoy the lifestyle. Having kids sets you down a different path but I think the key to being happy is having nurturing relationships and experiences, and to keep expanding your mind. If you have that already without kids I can well understand not choosing to have any.

Anyone who believes that having children will guarantee them a life of unconditional love and devotion from your loyal offspring clearly hasn't been on MN very long...

Personally I think becoming a parent broadens your perspective, your skills, your emotions and your sense of being in a very unique way. My kids teach me to be better every day.

This is the best description of it on the thread, IMO. I wanted children but was terrified I'd be no good at it. I am so glad I had them, they are the best thing I have done (I have a very good career but that's peanuts in comparison). They are the only thing that matters, the light of my life, it's the greatest privilege of my life to be their mother. When I'm on my deathbed, whether they are there or not, they'll be the people I am thinking about, even if they are not there at that time for whatever reason. They have made me a better person and made me realise what unconditional love is.

If you don’t want the responsibility OP I can understand that because it’s hard bloody work.

Nobody has it all in life though... no matter what side the coin flips!

@theculture

Happy for those that don't want children and as an older mother who spent many fun years child free if you broke down my weekends now compared to before kids on paper there is no contest - don't have children

But I am so happy with these two wonderful (for most of the time!) humans that now exist, that I enjoyed my life before but now it's a different life that is a progression that adds on to the one I had before rather than taking away, that I laugh a lot more and keep young playing with my kids - how much fun I have even though life is not simple

If you were one of my childless friends you wouldn't hear about that but rather about my poor sleep, home work issues, time limitations, worries about this child or that - I would never let you know the complete joy I have - as it would be too crass, too cliche and saccharine . . . Like talking about a new boyfriend to someone whose relationship has just ended

This, exactly. The joy of it all is the big crass secret not to be mentioned ever to the "childfree", to avoid exactly the upset and defensive reaction on this thread.

@MagentaDoesNotExist

Personally I think becoming a parent broadens your perspective, your skills, your emotions and your sense of being in a very unique way. My kids teach me to be better every day.

This is the best description of it on the thread, IMO. I wanted children but was terrified I'd be no good at it. I am so glad I had them, they are the best thing I have done (I have a very good career but that's peanuts in comparison). They are the only thing that matters, the light of my life, it's the greatest privilege of my life to be their mother. When I'm on my deathbed, whether they are there or not, they'll be the people I am thinking about, even if they are not there at that time for whatever reason. They have made me a better person and made me realise what unconditional love is.

Agreed. Having children increases the range of feelings you'll feel - the highs and joys are bigger and better than anything sans children. You get the same level of incredible feeling from every day mundane moments as you would from far flung exciting travel. But the low are also lower than anything you'd experience without children. It's like the opposite of taking anti-depressants, which deaden your ability to feel strong emotions at either end of the scale.

I have a long while to go before my kids are having kids

What if they, shock horror, decide not to have children?

I’m 46 and have no children.

Pros

• much more disposable income
• a very strong supportive relationship with DH as we can always put each other first. Not having had the inevitable stresses and strains that children (and associated money worries) can put on a relationship
• lack of noise!
• not having to worry about their health/ education etc and on a smaller scale not having to put up with soft play, tantrums, teenage rebellion etc
• our mortgage will be paid off soon allowing us to move to part time working and a better work life balance
• more time to help out with ageing parents etc and to devote to other relationships with friends and siblings.
• the freedom to take a career break (on one currently) and live somewhere else, travel (pre pandemic) and follow our dreams (time to write a novel for me personally)
• close relationships with nieces and nephews as they are the closest young people in our lives.

Cons

• Not having the company and different kind of love that children can bring
• In my mid thirties to early 40s, all my friends had young children so my social life contracted as they were busy. Fine again now though (when no pandemic) as friends’ children are more independent
• my mum after my dads death had the support and company of her children (visits every few weeks and regular phone calls- we all live far away) to help her through. Neither DH or I (whichever one goes first) will not have this. Though hopefully we will have friends and siblings in the same role.
• the assumption by some (ignorant) people that we have something ‘wrong’ with us for not wanting children

Neither is inherently better but for me child free life has been wonderful so far.

There are no guaranteed benefits to having children. They are guaranteed benefits to not having children.