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Original poster

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
NothingIcando · 29/01/2021 23:43

Yup. You're judged if you do get pregnant and judged if you dont. Confused

SpotnDot · 29/01/2021 23:44

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 23:47

@NothingIcando

raising them to be good people

This isn't a given either.

I have seen plenty of families torn apart because their children ended up going down a bad road despite being 'raised properly' .
My own mother cried and almost pulls her hair out now at 59...wondering what she did wrong as a mother for one of her children to be so cruel. It's so very sad.

My parents worry more now than they did when we were younger.
It's really not the dream some people with kids try to sell it as. 'Get pregnant have a cuddly baby..raise them to be good people and they'll come round to visit and care for you when you're older...have grandkids for you and itll be lovely'
Nope. No guarantee

Of course it’s not a given....of course there are no guarantees..... but I don’t think people chose not to have children because the kids might end up ‘going down a wrong road’ ( to quote you)......I think people chose to be child free ( and feel free to correct me all you out there)....because they genuinely don’t want children..... I’m sorry about your Mums experience ....that must be very hard
BashfulClam · 29/01/2021 23:47

@SpotnDot

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

I can’t have children so thanks for telling me that my life will be empty that’s lovely!
MrsSmith2021 · 29/01/2021 23:48

I do have children so can’t speak from that side but as a child of my mother, love our relationship. She has friends who did not have children and I feel sorry for them.

They’re loaded - but they have nobody to leave it to when they die. They go on nice holidays, but so does my mum. They have their friends, sure. But a friend doesn’t love you no matter what. Me and my mum shop together, moan together, horse ride together. We look after my grandparents together, battle through house purchases, holiday together. She adores spending time with my children which she wouldn’t be able to do without me.

It is hard work having children don’t get me wrong, but the reward from them even when they’re tiny from gummy smiles up to when they’re a fully fledged member of society and become your best friend, and provide you with grandchildren to get further joy out of I think can’t be matched. My mums friends always comment on my children that she gets to enjoy and say how lucky she is. I just can’t imagine not having that when I am her age. I have a long while to go before my kids are having kids but family is so important to me, I’d be so sad to be in my 60’s+ and have no younger generation to guide and support and spend time with.

CounsellorTroi · 29/01/2021 23:48

@SpotnDot

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

I couldn't have children as it turned out, but after grieving I realised I still had a life. And it has been and is good.
Megan2018 · 29/01/2021 23:48

@SpotnDot

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

What a load of old cobblers!

Family is not everything to everyone.

SpotnDot · 29/01/2021 23:49

People with children know exactly what childfree life is like first hand, but the childfree wouldn't ever know the alternative. So it doesnt matter if you choose to remain childfree, but you shouldnt presume to know what it means to love and worry for your own children, that's all. It's not the same as romantic love or that of your parents, friends etc.

WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:49

Emotions and love cannot be quantified but still exist

Of course they exist. But what advantage, what benefits does the emotions that come with having children bring? Having children doesn't just bring positive emotions either, do the negative emotions go on the cons list? Do they cancel each other out? Could OP know prior to having them?

Advantages tend to be universal. So not having kids = more money for you (person not having knowledge FS), that's universal because it is guaranteed that children will come with some expense. Those positive emotions are not universal.

But yes a longer than average life expectancy is an advantage. But that's the only one I can glean so far and I don't think OP should base a decision on that.

PillowSandwich · 29/01/2021 23:51

@SpotnDot

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

That’s a frankly silly post, and does that classic, annoying thing of pretending child free people are all insanely career-focused and luxury-obsessed.

And of course children and family aren’t ‘everything’. And it’s perfectly possibly to have a family without having children.

poppyzbrite4 · 29/01/2021 23:52

@SpotnDot

People with children know exactly what childfree life is like first hand, but the childfree wouldn't ever know the alternative. So it doesnt matter if you choose to remain childfree, but you shouldnt presume to know what it means to love and worry for your own children, that's all. It's not the same as romantic love or that of your parents, friends etc.
I don't really care how other people feel about their children. I chose not to have them, don't have them and have no regrets about that. It's up to others if they have them or not.

This thread is getting very nasty; it's not a competition. Some people are happy with their lives childfree.

SpotnDot · 29/01/2021 23:52

And OP you definitely wont regret NOT having children. How could you regret something you've never had? Just make peace with your choice, whichever way it is

I didnt have a happy childhood, but my own family is everything

WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:53

Children makes family. Family is everything.

What total bollocks!

Family may be everything to you, but isn't to everyone. And it shouldn't be. What if your kids don't feel the same? And grow up and barely talk to you or don't talk as much as you want? If you (general you, not you specific) have based your whole life on a family that is no longer there? What do you have then? You need more than a reliance on family being your everything.

KylieKangaroo · 29/01/2021 23:56

These threads never end well! I've got a child and expecting another, I would never dream of telling someone without children that their choices are not as fulfilling or whatever. Different strokes for different folks!

I still think the happiest day of my life was passing my driving test, not having my daughter! But I won't tell her that haha.

CounsellorTroi · 29/01/2021 23:57

@SpotnDot

People with children know exactly what childfree life is like first hand, but the childfree wouldn't ever know the alternative. So it doesnt matter if you choose to remain childfree, but you shouldnt presume to know what it means to love and worry for your own children, that's all. It's not the same as romantic love or that of your parents, friends etc.
Parents may know what life before children is like, but you cannot possibly know what a whole life without children is like. Because you have children.
Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 23:57

@KylieKangaroo

These threads never end well! I've got a child and expecting another, I would never dream of telling someone without children that their choices are not as fulfilling or whatever. Different strokes for different folks!

I still think the happiest day of my life was passing my driving test, not having my daughter! But I won't tell her that haha.

This thread didn’t even start well🙄
WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:59

I feel sorry for them

Please don't, I doubt they want you to. They might even feel sorry for you.

But a friend doesn’t love you no matter what.

Neither do children. Or parents.

You are making a lot of assumptions that all parent child relationships are like yours, and that because you couldn't be happy without that others can't either. Which is simply not true. Plenty of child free people are very happy and plenty of people with families are desperately unhappy because of those families. And you don't know which you'll be until you are there.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 23:59

Right well that’s me going to bed now....goodnight all......this lockdown has a lot to answer for....any other Friday I would have been in the pub instead of loitering on mumsnet 😂

NothingIcando · 30/01/2021 00:02

Sorry Kitkat151 I didn't mean someone would refuse to have kids just on the fear that they might go down a bad road.
It was more the huge uncertainty,responsibility and I suppose the gamble...that comes with it.

For me,there are many,many reasons I won't be having children which i won't bore you with now but one of them is that uncertainty and risk of many things...a sick child,a disabled child, a troubled child or strained relationship or perhaps me -doing somthing to have a bad effect on a child or their experience growing up. Its just a lot. I'm sweating even thinking about it.

NothingIcando · 30/01/2021 00:06

They have their friends, sure. But a friend doesn’t love you no matter what
🤣 ok then.

Because ALL children grow up to love their parents NO MATTER WHAT. Do you really believe that?

Givethemback · 30/01/2021 00:06

I never believe people who say the love for a child is like nothing else because otherwise there would be no parents who abandon their children, no children in care, no children who are abused, no adults with issues because of their parents. Eg regular threads on MN alone about people not liking their parents because their sibling was a golden child, not wanting contact, seekong support due to parental abuse or neglect, numerous women who do not receive even basic maintenance for their kids.

The truth is everyone feels differently. You don't know until you have a child if the gamble has paid off. I hope people who don't feel that for their child (again I've read many threads on here alone where people feel they're bad mothers for not feeling that) don't feel bad, love comes in many forms.

Givethemback · 30/01/2021 00:08

@NothingIcando

They have their friends, sure. But a friend doesn’t love you no matter what 🤣 ok then.

Because ALL children grow up to love their parents NO MATTER WHAT. Do you really believe that?

Now I know that's true, I've seen the threads on here eg 'I hate MIL, husband won't stick up for me' ' tell him to go nc, you're his family now'… so your kid only loves you until their spouse tells them not too Wink
eaglejulesk · 30/01/2021 00:12

Children makes family. Family is everything.

Rubbish. You obviously don't spend much time on MN or you would see just how toxic some people's families are. Friends you choose, family you don't.

Incidentally, as an "only" child with no children I am perfectly happy. When my DF is no longer around I will have no close family, but I don't expect it to make any difference to my life at all.

Notimeforaname · 30/01/2021 00:13

Now I know that's true, I've seen the threads on here eg 'I hate MIL, husband won't stick up for me' ' tell him to go nc, you're his family now'… so your kid only loves you until their spouse tells them not to

🤣🤣🤣

leftovercoffeecake · 30/01/2021 00:13

@MrsSmith2021

I do have children so can’t speak from that side but as a child of my mother, love our relationship. She has friends who did not have children and I feel sorry for them.

They’re loaded - but they have nobody to leave it to when they die. They go on nice holidays, but so does my mum. They have their friends, sure. But a friend doesn’t love you no matter what. Me and my mum shop together, moan together, horse ride together. We look after my grandparents together, battle through house purchases, holiday together. She adores spending time with my children which she wouldn’t be able to do without me.

It is hard work having children don’t get me wrong, but the reward from them even when they’re tiny from gummy smiles up to when they’re a fully fledged member of society and become your best friend, and provide you with grandchildren to get further joy out of I think can’t be matched. My mums friends always comment on my children that she gets to enjoy and say how lucky she is. I just can’t imagine not having that when I am her age. I have a long while to go before my kids are having kids but family is so important to me, I’d be so sad to be in my 60’s+ and have no younger generation to guide and support and spend time with.

When I die, my money will go to a charity I feel very strongly about. After seeing all the inheritance threads on mumsnet, I don’t wanna be a granny with all my grandchildren fighting over how much of my money they’ll get!