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Original poster

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 05/02/2021 18:12

@Belladonna12

But, the op specifically said she wanted to hear from people who had the experience of being older and childfree. She wasn’t asking for a general discussion of the pros and cons of having children or not to help her make up her mind, she asked for the specific pros and cons of being older and childfree. And only the older childfree posters will be able to answer that.

The OP actually asked for the positives and negatives of being older and childfree. Some posters have come on to say that a positive is that you have more freedom, don't have to worry about things such as homeschooling etc but that is true of older people who have had children too so it isn't really a positive. If she had asked older people who have had children for the positives and negatives as well she would have got a more balanced view.

She specifically asked for the opinion of those who are older and childfree. It’s right there in the first post on the thread. She didn’t say “hey everyone, please talk to me about the pros and cons of not having children” she said “so I’m interested for those of you that are older and childfree what are the pros and cons...” She asked to hear specifically from people already living the lifestyle she anticipated she’ll live.

And your point about having freedom ‘not really being a positive’ because it applies to parents of grown up children is nonsense and shows you’re not answering the OPs question but answering the one you think was asked or wish had been asked. Of course having lots of freedom is a positive thing. The fact that parents of grown up children also have freedom doesn’t negate that or invalidate that, nobody said it was an exclusive positive thing, just that it was a positive. And it’s very clearly applicable to older childfree people. The op’s question isn’t about parenthood vs childfree as a compare and contrast study, it’s about what are the pros and cons of being older and childfree- an undeniable pro is freedom. It’s quite simple.

And your last sentence- again you are assuming she wanted a view of children vs no children. She didn’t ask for that. She asked for the views of older childfree people on what’s good and bad about their lives. That’s it. The fact that parents can’t stop themselves coming on and regaling us all with their oh so wonderful lives is a derailment.

supercee · 05/02/2021 18:14

The freedom of being older and not having the children is not the same freedom as being older and having children who have flown the nest.

Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 18:37

She specifically asked for the opinion of those who are older and childfree. It’s right there in the first post on the thread. She didn’t say “hey everyone, please talk to me about the pros and cons of not having children” she said “so I’m interested for those of you that are older and childfree what are the pros and cons...” She asked to hear specifically from people already living the lifestyle she anticipated she’ll live.

I know she only asked for those who are childfree for the pros and cons. My point is that she would have got a better view if she had ask both childfree and those with children.

The op’s question isn’t about parenthood vs childfree as a compare and contrast study, it’s about what are the pros and cons of being older and childfree- an undeniable pro is freedom. It’s quite simple.

I don't agree that it is a pro of being childfree if older people who have children at the same freedom. I can think of pros of being childfree if older but freedom isn't one of them.

And your last sentence- again you are assuming she wanted a view of children vs no children. She didn’t ask for that. She asked for the views of older childfree people on what’s good and bad about their lives. That’s it. The fact that parents can’t stop themselves coming on and regaling us all with their oh so wonderful lives is a derailment.

You seem to be very worked up and arguing for the sake of it . I said nothing about an oh so wonderful life.

Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 18:38

@supercee

The freedom of being older and not having the children is not the same freedom as being older and having children who have flown the nest.
In what way is it different?
supercee · 05/02/2021 18:40

I know she only asked for those who are childfree for the pros and cons. My point is that she would have got a better view if she had ask both childfree and those with children.

@Belladonna12 you are spectacularly missing the point.

Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 18:43

@supercee

I know she only asked for those who are childfree for the pros and cons. My point is that she would have got a better view if she had ask both childfree and those with children.

@Belladonna12 you are spectacularly missing the point.

I don't think I've missed the point at all.
supercee · 05/02/2021 18:48

She wants to know what life is fucking like for older people who don't have kids! She's not interested in those who do, it's nothing to do with 'a better viewpoint', it's not relevant to parents at all. Parents can't give the same views because THEY ARE PARENTS. How is that so difficult to understand.

Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 18:53

@supercee

She wants to know what life is fucking like for older people who don't have kids! She's not interested in those who do, it's nothing to do with 'a better viewpoint', it's not relevant to parents at all. Parents can't give the same views because THEY ARE PARENTS. How is that so difficult to understand.
That would be fine if people without children were able to understand that older people with children who have left home are doing pretty much the same thing but it seems that they don't.
supercee · 05/02/2021 18:55

No it's not. They are still parents, whether they have caring responsibilities for them or not.

Meowchickameowmeow · 05/02/2021 19:03

Head > wall > boop > boop > boop.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/02/2021 19:10

Of course it’s different if your children have grown up and left home, completely bloody different

You probably won’t be in the same financial position of child free older people for a start, never mind the worry of them getting jobs, housing in this present climate, then there’s grandchildren and the demands they may or may not make on you

Still completely different

Kitkat151 · 05/02/2021 19:23

@supercee

She wants to know what life is fucking like for older people who don't have kids! She's not interested in those who do, it's nothing to do with 'a better viewpoint', it's not relevant to parents at all. Parents can't give the same views because THEY ARE PARENTS. How is that so difficult to understand.
You need to calm down
supercee · 05/02/2021 19:24

@Kitkat151 Perfectly calm thanks. Don't need to do anything.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority · 05/02/2021 19:39

www.thechildfreelife.net/forum/viewforum.php?f=2

you are more likely to get the conversation you want on here

sammylady37 · 05/02/2021 19:51

I know she only asked for those who are childfree for the pros and cons. My point is that she would have got a better view if she had ask both childfree and those with children

A better view? No. A view she didn’t ask for? Yes. It would be like if I said I was thinking about getting a dog and asked people who had dogs to tell me the pros and cons of having dogs. Note, I didn’t ask for the pros and cons of not having dogs, or the pros and cons of having guinea pigs, just the pros and cons of having dogs, but loads of guinea pig owners arrived on thread to extol the virtues of guinea pig ownership. It’s not ‘a better view’, it’s an irrelevant one because it’s not an answer to the question I asked.

I don't agree that it is a pro of being childfree if older people who have children at the same freedom. I can think of pros of being childfree if older but freedom isn't one of them

This is a very simple point but you’re missing it spectacularly and repeatedly. She asked for the pros and cons of something specific. The good things about it and the bad things about it. She didn’t ask what the good and bad things about it are compared to anything else, just the good and bad things about one particular thing. So, just because Good Thing X applies to more than one situation, it doesn’t mean that Good Thing X is therefore not a good thing about each of those situations individually. (In any event, the freedom of being childfree vs the freedom of having now-adult children are quite different things).

You seem to be very worked up and arguing for the sake of it . I said nothing about an oh so wonderful life

I’m not arguing for the sake of it. And while you may not specifically have mentioned a wonderful life, it’s undeniable that many posters on this thread have pontificated about how utterly fantastic and transformative and quite magical parenthood is. I’m making the point that this is a thread in which the op sought opinions of childfree people yet parents have waded in repeatedly, rudely, to give what they perceive to be their valuable opinions. Except nobody asked for them. And this is a pattern here on every single thread in which people ask for opinions from childfree people. It doesn’t happen on other topics and it dies by happen (as much) in real life, but here it seems parents just can’t stop themselves making a conversation all about the wonderful life they have. Makes me wonder who they’re trying to convince, tbh.

sammylady37 · 05/02/2021 19:52

dies by is supposed to be doesn’t

sammylady37 · 05/02/2021 19:54

That would be fine if people without children were able to understand that older people with children who have left home are doing pretty much the same thing but it seems that they don't

But what about this much-vaunted all-consuming love? And the worry and fear for your children that never leaves you? And the worry about the state of the world cos of course you only want the best for these people that you love unconditionally? Won’t they eat into any sense of freedom and ease that parents have?

AllMyPrettyOnes · 05/02/2021 20:06

That would be fine if people without children were able to understand that older people with children who have left home are doing pretty much the same thing but it seems that they don't.

But you still have children ... which is not what OP was interested in hearing.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 05/02/2021 21:16

@sammylady37

That they come first above any husband or partner or anyone else, with no question. No matter how old they get

Spend any time on the relationships board here and that’s demonstrably untrue. From women putting abusive husbands ahead of their children, to people putting new partbers first, to people giving out because they feel their parent/s or ILs favour another sibling over them etc.

There are crappy people in all walks of life. Cheats, liars, lazy people, selfish people, rude people.

Presumably the question I was answering was about how normal parents feel about their children, not how shit ones treat them.

gratitutesmynewgratitute · 05/02/2021 23:02

Cons you have nothing in common with a lot of other people. My neighbour doesn't have kids, she says she never wanted them. But she is a very proud Aunty and I hear all her stories about her nephew instead, as if she asks after the kids then it's common ground to talk about her nephew.

I have quite a few childfree friends, a couple have chosen it, a couple due to same sex marriages and a couple due to infertility. Mostly they have dogs who they adore or work a lot. Children do take up so much time, and you never have anytime for anything else.

I adore my children, I have never been maternal, I'm not gushy on social media and I will openly admit they are incredibly hard work. I worry about them so much too, but it's a stage of life for me. I did uni, I did travelling, I did well paid career and now I'm doing this.

Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 23:17

@AllMyPrettyOnes

That would be fine if people without children were able to understand that older people with children who have left home are doing pretty much the same thing but it seems that they don't.

But you still have children ... which is not what OP was interested in hearing.

I didn't actually give my opinion to OP though. I just made the point that people with children may also have a useful perspective.
Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 23:19

@sammylady37

That would be fine if people without children were able to understand that older people with children who have left home are doing pretty much the same thing but it seems that they don't

But what about this much-vaunted all-consuming love? And the worry and fear for your children that never leaves you? And the worry about the state of the world cos of course you only want the best for these people that you love unconditionally? Won’t they eat into any sense of freedom and ease that parents have?

I don't think many parents of adult children spend all their time worrying about them so no I don't think it has a big impact on any sense of freedom.
Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 23:30

This is a very simple point but you’re missing it spectacularly and repeatedly. She asked for the pros and cons of something specific. The good things about it and the bad things about it. She didn’t ask what the good and bad things about it are compared to anything else, just the good and bad things about one particular thing. So, just because Good Thing X applies to more than one situation, it doesn’t mean that Good Thing X is therefore not a good thing about each of those situations individually. (In any event, the freedom of being childfree vs the freedom of having now-adult children are quite different things).

OP probably did expect people to compare and that is what happened. If you talk about freedom or homeschooling, as many posters were it's pretty clear that you are comparing being childfree with having children and very disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

Belladonna12 · 05/02/2021 23:30

This is a very simple point but you’re missing it spectacularly and repeatedly. She asked for the pros and cons of something specific. The good things about it and the bad things about it. She didn’t ask what the good and bad things about it are compared to anything else, just the good and bad things about one particular thing. So, just because Good Thing X applies to more than one situation, it doesn’t mean that Good Thing X is therefore not a good thing about each of those situations individually. (In any event, the freedom of being childfree vs the freedom of having now-adult children are quite different things).

OP probably did expect people to compare and that is what happened. If you talk about freedom or homeschooling, as many posters were it's pretty clear that you are comparing being childfree with having children and very disingenuous to suggest otherwise.