Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

it is totally possible for the negatives to outweigh the positives

Or for the negatives to equal the positives, in which case it just makes life different for some parents - neither better nor worse, just different.

For me a big factor was always having someone to look after me when im older but my views changed on this, its such a short window of time that in the grand scheme of things care will always be there children or not. It probably isnt worth the investment of having children and raising them to ensure someone is there for mw in old age!

I am envious of people who decide no children. I am envious of people whos children have grown who have time to read, relax, go on nights out.

We need social connection and meaningful relationships to live happy lives. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to have children to accomplish this. But if you were to be child free it would take some more intentional and proactive action from yourself to make those connections.

I used to want to be child free. For the main reasons of more time and travel. But now decided I would like them and likely stop at 2 kids. Mainly for the experience of building a family. I have positive influences from mine and DH’s family and I would like to amplify that for my children.

I would never want my children to look after me when I’m old. That is a piss poor excuse to have kids.

For me a big factor was always having someone to look after me when im older

My late MIL always hoped that this would be the case, but her alzheimers was so bad that she needed to be in residential care.

I think it's more of a case of having someone look OUT for you rather than look AFTER you. People who love you are important, surely?

I think it's more of a case of having someone look OUT for you rather than look AFTER you.

Yes, that's true. SIL did advocate for her mum.

@Teentitansonloop

I think it's more of a case of having someone look OUT for you rather than look AFTER you. People who love you are important, surely?

Maybe so but it’s difficult to look out for someone if you are on the other side of the world as might easily happen if you have children. There are no guarantees.

I have a colleague who is late 50s who never had kids. She is now semi retired, drawing a pension and working as an when she wants to (contractor). I’m a wee bit jealous

If we were childfree our mortgage would be paid off by now. And we could have invested more for an early retirement.

But, I wouldn’t change our son for anything.

What I would say is that children are hard work. If someone doesn’t want them, they really shouldn’t have them

@Ginfordinner very true. I changed my mind when my dad was dying. My mum and 4siblings were with him week leading up his death, held his hand. I had place so much importance on this being a big factor in me having a family of my own but reflexting on it, it really isnt important in the big scheme of life. The experiences my dad had with his children growing up whne he was a healthy man far outweighed the days were we were there to care for him. It completely changed my views on it.

Maternity leave is a positive though

And I also think that having children with the aim of them looking after you in old age is ridiculous. You have no idea what life or your relationship with them will turn out like!

I think this thread has been derailed but ironically I think it depends on the individual, your need for connection, your aspirations for life, your social network etc.

I realised that without a child I would be very unhappy, and the urge was overwhelming.

Another friend has a close relationship with her friends, husband and sister and to be honest I think a child would blow all that apart. For example, when a sister has a child and another doesn't, it can put distance between them. Whereas two siblings can be great support to each other. Same for frienda.

The dynamic is different for everyone and the child free and parents will probably have a few similarities once the children leave home as they may not see their children for months for years on end even.

@CounsellorTroi

One thing I would say though is that it's a bit pointless to only ask people who are childfree what the pros and cons are. You will get a bit of a skewed response.

I don’t agree. OP said she was pretty sure she wanted to remain childfree but wanted to know the pros and cons of being childfree when older. Who better to ask than older childfree people?

I'm not saying she shouldn't ask them. I'm saying it is pretty pointless to only ask them as they only know what it is like to not have children and not what it is like to have them i.e. a skewed response. For example, many only talk about the advantages of not having younger children such as increased freedom. That doesn't necessarily apply if you are older and your children are older, particularly if they have left home.

@Teentitansonloop

I think this thread has been derailed but ironically I think it depends on the individual, your need for connection, your aspirations for life, your social network etc.

I realised that without a child I would be very unhappy, and the urge was overwhelming.

Another friend has a close relationship with her friends, husband and sister and to be honest I think a child would blow all that apart. For example, when a sister has a child and another doesn't, it can put distance between them. Whereas two siblings can be great support to each other. Same for frienda.

The dynamic is different for everyone and the child free and parents will probably have a few similarities once the children leave home as they may not see their children for months for years on end even.

The dynamic is different for everyone and the child free and parents will probably have a few similarities once the children leave home as they may not see their children for months for years on end even.

I think that's a fair point, probably, and that the distinction between the childfree and parents may be less in later life than the distinction between (a) parents who are very involved with adult children who live locally and for whom they do childcare etc, and (b) those who have adult children living in a different country, to whom they may be very close, but around whom their day to day lives don't revolve.

I've lived mostly out of my home country since leaving university, have moved around a lot, and had my son while living abroad, and I fully anticipate that when he's an adult, he'll be off exploring the world like his parents did, and he'll have our full support to do so. I'd be horrified if he felt confined to the country we're living in by then.

I'm also very fond of, and close to, my parents, and to my three childfree siblings.

But if you were to be child free it would take some more intentional and proactive action from yourself to make those connections.

Hmmmmm, my experience of maintaining friendships is that my friends with children have far less time to do the usual friendship stuff. They're always apologising & bemoaning losing their relationships with friends because of the pressures of raising children.

I'm not saying she shouldn't ask them. I'm saying it is pretty pointless to only ask them as they only know what it is like to not have children and not what it is like to have them i.e. a skewed response. For example, many only talk about the advantages of not having younger children such as increased freedom. That doesn't necessarily apply if you are older and your children are older, particularly if they have left home

But, the op specifically said she wanted to hear from people who had the experience of being older and childfree. She wasn’t asking for a general discussion of the pros and cons of having children or not to help her make up her mind, she asked for the specific pros and cons of being older and childfree. And only the older childfree posters will be able to answer that.

Someone used the analogy of dogs earlier. I’ll use one of cars.

Imagine the op came on and said that she had never learned to drive and didn’t really want to do so and become a car owner. This was because she had looked at it objectively, and decided that she didn’t want the expense of learning to drive, maintaining a car, running a car, fuel, insurance etc. She was also worried about the environmental aspect. She acknowledged that having a car could be quite handy at times, but overall felt happy with her decision and was able to manage perfectly well with public transport. But, thinking about it more, she wanted to hear from older people who didn’t drive as she was wondering what life as an older non-driving person was like. She had some concerns that life as an older non-driver would be more challenging. She might not be able for public transport and all the associated hassles, cancelled services, crowded trains with no seats etc etc. She may not want to be at the mercy of timetables and would like to be able to travel whenever she wanted. Bus routes may be cancelled or changed and because of her declining mobility it might be harder manage. Lots of reasonable concerns about how life as an older car free person might be difficult. So she wanted to hear from people in that exact situation.

Would the thread be full of car owners in their 20s, 30s and 40s extolling the virtues of car ownership?? Would they be telling her it was wonderful, gave such freedom, such independence that it was worth the cost and environmental damage and in fact is so bloody great that they had 2 or even 3 cars? Would people come on with horror stories of old people they know who had to stand all the way home on the bus or who pitying whisper had to ring a taxi if they wanted to go somewhere immediately?

I’ll answer my own questions- it absolutely would not and they would not. The thread would be answered by posters who had the specific life experience that the op asked about. Yet on every thread about being childfree, parents seem to desperately need to come on to it and give their opinions, and in many cases are downright rude and nasty. Why is that? If they’re so secure in their positions and decisions, why the hell do they need to derail threads to convince strangers of it?

I have put some time into thinking about this - I myself am a mother to two teenage DC.

To me, being child free means you can have a wonderful life with all the trappings the material world can bring you - holidays, time to yourself, freedom, money, the ability to concentrate on your career with no distractions. Nothing wrong with this - it's honest and most parents (myself included) have wistful twinges of envy at the life of child free adults.

However, having children brings a different life altogether, one of pregnancy and expectation, babies of whom you look at and hold with such love, toddlers who can be so entertaining and are developing into a little person, the teen years - yes, can be a bloody nightmare!!!

They enrich your lives in a completely different way. I love going out for a coffee/lunch with my DD (pre-COVID), I love how my DS makes me laugh and is growing into a young man. So I now have these young people in my life and making their way in their own. I have these people in the world that I love. Has it been easy - no! Would I change anything - also, no.

And the poster after me illustrates my point quite nicely

'But, the op specifically said she wanted to hear from people who had the experience of being older and childfree. She wasn’t asking for a general discussion of the pros and cons of having children or not to help her make up her mind, she asked for the specific pros and cons of being older and childfree. And only the older childfree posters will be able to answer that.'

@sammylady37 Sorry can't bold it from my app! Exactly as you say, it's not a general discussion on the pros/cons of having kids, the OP wanted the opinions from people who don't have kids! Why is that being lost?

*But, the op specifically said she wanted to hear from people who had the experience of being older and childfree. She wasn’t asking for a general discussion of the pros and cons of having children or not to help her make up her mind, she asked for the specific pros and cons of being older and childfree. And only the older childfree posters will be able to answer that.

Someone used the analogy of dogs earlier. I’ll use one of cars.

Imagine the op came on and said that she had never learned to drive and didn’t really want to do so and become a car owner. This was because she had looked at it objectively, and decided that she didn’t want the expense of learning to drive, maintaining a car, running a car, fuel, insurance etc. She was also worried about the environmental aspect. She acknowledged that having a car could be quite handy at times, but overall felt happy with her decision and was able to manage perfectly well with public transport. But, thinking about it more, she wanted to hear from older people who didn’t drive as she was wondering what life as an older non-driving person was like. She had some concerns that life as an older non-driver would be more challenging. She might not be able for public transport and all the associated hassles, cancelled services, crowded trains with no seats etc etc. She may not want to be at the mercy of timetables and would like to be able to travel whenever she wanted. Bus routes may be cancelled or changed and because of her declining mobility it might be harder manage. Lots of reasonable concerns about how life as an older car free person might be difficult. So she wanted to hear from people in that exact situation.

Would the thread be full of car owners in their 20s, 30s and 40s extolling the virtues of car ownership?? Would they be telling her it was wonderful, gave such freedom, such independence that it was worth the cost and environmental damage and in fact is so bloody great that they had 2 or even 3 cars? Would people come on with horror stories of old people they know who had to stand all the way home on the bus or who pitying whisper had to ring a taxi if they wanted to go somewhere immediately?

I’ll answer my own questions- it absolutely would not and they would not. The thread would be answered by posters who had the specific life experience that the op asked about. Yet on every thread about being childfree, parents seem to desperately need to come on to it and give their opinions, and in many cases are downright rude and nasty. Why is that? If they’re so secure in their positions and decisions, why the hell do they need to derail threads to convince strangers of it?*

but if she went on to piston heads and asked this question, that is exactly what she would get!
If you don't want answers from people with children, then don't post on bloody MUMSNET!!

But, the op specifically said she wanted to hear from people who had the experience of being older and childfree. She wasn’t asking for a general discussion of the pros and cons of having children or not to help her make up her mind, she asked for the specific pros and cons of being older and childfree. And only the older childfree posters will be able to answer that.

Someone used the analogy of dogs earlier. I’ll use one of cars.
Imagine the op came on and said that she had never learned to drive and didn’t really want to do so and become a car owner. This was because she had looked at it objectively, and decided that she didn’t want the expense of learning to drive, maintaining a car, running a car, fuel, insurance etc. She was also worried about the environmental aspect. She acknowledged that having a car could be quite handy at times, but overall felt happy with her decision and was able to manage perfectly well with public transport. But, thinking about it more, she wanted to hear from older people who didn’t drive as she was wondering what life as an older non-driving person was like. She had some concerns that life as an older non-driver would be more challenging. She might not be able for public transport and all the associated hassles, cancelled services, crowded trains with no seats etc etc. She may not want to be at the mercy of timetables and would like to be able to travel whenever she wanted. Bus routes may be cancelled or changed and because of her declining mobility it might be harder manage. Lots of reasonable concerns about how life as an older car free person might be difficult. So she wanted to hear from people in that exact situation.

Would the thread be full of car owners in their 20s, 30s and 40s extolling the virtues of car ownership?? Would they be telling her it was wonderful, gave such freedom, such independence that it was worth the cost and environmental damage and in fact is so bloody great that they had 2 or even 3 cars? Would people come on with horror stories of old people they know who had to stand all the way home on the bus or who pitying whisper had to ring a taxi if they wanted to go somewhere immediately?

I’ll answer my own questions- it absolutely would not and they would not. The thread would be answered by posters who had the specific life experience that the op asked about. Yet on every thread about being childfree, parents seem to desperately need to come on to it and give their opinions, and in many cases are downright rude and nasty. Why is that? If they’re so secure in their positions and decisions, why the hell do they need to derail threads to convince strangers of it?

@sammylady37
I get where you are coming from, but equally I think that you're being a bit prescriptive about who should and shouldn't respond to OP's question. Yes she did specifically ask for the opinions of older child free women, but that doesn't mean that those with children mustn't respond or that they definitely have nothing of value to contribute. It is pretty clear from most posts whether the poster has children or not, so the OP can filter accordingly and disregard those that she isn't interested in. Some of her responses have indicated she has found some of the input from those with children to be useful so why are you so keen to police the thread? Rude and insensitive comments are of course totally unacceptable but I don't think your anger is directly solely at these posters.

But, the op specifically said she wanted to hear from people who had the experience of being older and childfree. She wasn’t asking for a general discussion of the pros and cons of having children or not to help her make up her mind, she asked for the specific pros and cons of being older and childfree. And only the older childfree posters will be able to answer that.

The OP actually asked for the positives and negatives of being older and childfree. Some posters have come on to say that a positive is that you have more freedom, don't have to worry about things such as homeschooling etc but that is true of older people who have had children too so it isn't really a positive. If she had asked older people who have had children for the positives and negatives as well she would have got a more balanced view.

but if she went on to piston heads and asked this question, that is exactly what she would get!
If you don't want answers from people with children, then don't post on bloody MUMSNET!!

Ah the famous ‘bingo’ post! Mumsnet has long been known to be a discussion site about many many topics other than parenthood and the name is clearly a misnomer at this stage. How many topics relate directly and solely to parenthood? How many threads? Are only parents in relationships allowed post on the relationships board? Is AIBU only for parents? The vast majority of this site has sweet fuck all to do with parenthood. It’s a predominantly (but not exclusively) female space on the internet which is a mine of information and source of endless entertainment, most of which is nothing to do with children. It’s not like there’s one ‘off-topic’ thread and every single other one is about children/parenting.

equally I think that you're being a bit prescriptive about who should and shouldn't respond to OP's question. Yes she did specifically ask for the opinions of older child free women, but that doesn't mean that those with children mustn't respond or that they definitely have nothing of value to contribute

Would you apply this approach in real life? If there was a meeting set up for older childfree women to discuss the pros and cons of their lifestyle, would you think it’s ok for parents to attend and offer what they perceive to be their valuable views?