Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Can't you start a new thread for that question? All the sanctimummies will be back in full force.

Can I ask a question to the parents on this thread who have replied and talked about the transformative love, wonder and magic that comes with having children. Is this strongest when the children are small? Does the wonder level off
No.

Well, of course. I mean, clearly childfree women are utterly aimless and drift through life just buying handbags and shoes for themselves. They never, ever help anyone else. Nope. Selfish Prets, every last one of them. And materialistic too.

Yep, we're fuckwits. I never:

• looked after my niece or coached her through her Maths GCSE

• chat to the homeless people in my locality – I know them all by name – and buy them food/drop them a few quid

• make any regular donations to charity

• help my parents with absolutely anything. I leave that to my sister who is, after all, a MOTHER

• support my friends in their time of need; I just bloody ignore 'em

• support my colleagues at work and turn them all into the accountants of the future (actually, not sure if that's a good thing but I'm not skilled in lion taming)

I have no children and am no use to society whatsoever!

". And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else."

You were doing so well before that smug comment.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

They don't and it isn't. Not for all of us anyway.

To me there aren't any cons. Infact I relish my freedom increasingly as I get older. And I actually give back to society in many, many small and large ways because I'm not directing all my energy into a smaller version of myself - so there's nothing selfish about that. I don't need a child to feel love and empathy. And if the scientists who believe the human race will die out in two hundred years are right, then that's just another reason not to bring another life into our scrambled and over populated world.

And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

Unfortunately, you're so busy with your own life that you're unaware that it's perfectly possible to help other people without becoming a parent.

And last time I checked, parents spent money on themselves and went on holidays. Holidays which involve Junior Clubs and tantrums over collapsed sand castles sound like hard work to me, but each to their own.

My Positives,

Only responsible for myself
Do things in my own time
Be spontaneous
Be lazy
Focus more on those already in my life
Further my career as much as i'd like
Full nights sleep/well rested
Sleeping in on weekends
Sleeping in on week days
Not having to cook/clean if I don't want
Go out at any time/sense of freedom(pre C19
More time for my hobbies
Quality time with my partner on tap.
No interruptions when having down time
More disposable income
No hassle travelling just me and my bag
No worry of having a sick child
No worry of having a troubled child
No worry of being a bad mother
No worry of possibly being a single mother
Being able to run and help those I love at the drop of a hat
More energy
The fun of not knowing what's next

My Negatives,

Having people judge me because of the positives.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

Well I haven't got children, yet I've got a family. Does that mean family can't possibly be everything for me?

Children makes family. Family is everything

Except of course when they go NC because of an inheritance dispute, or their spouse thinks you favour another sibling’s DC over theirs, or they think you’re too interfering, or you don’t want to provide free childcare for them or a multitude of other reasons people on mumsnet advocate going NC with parents.

There was a poster way back in the thread who commented on an elderly childfree couple she knows and said that they had loads of money but nobody to leave it to.
Another poster said that inheritance would be the incentive for extended family such as nieces/nephews to have anything to do with an elderly childfree relative.

The first comment is ridiculous and demonstrably untrue. They may have no offspring to leave their money to, but they clearly have friends (they were friends of the poster’s parents) and presumably they have extended families, and favourite charitable causes. I’ve made my will and I’ve bequeathed a large portion of my estate to a charity close to my heart, some to my close friends and the rest to family to whom I’m close. I wasn’t sitting there casting around for someone to leave it to!

The second point above is utterly abhorrent and demonstrates that poster’s avaricious mindset. Clearly parenthood hadn’t made them selfless and wonderful. They also clearly haven’t read the abundance of inheritance threads on mumsnet where people go NC with parents when a proposed inheritance isn’t fair. So, it’s not just extended family who may stay involved because of an expected inheritance, it can be the supposedly unconditionally loving children too.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

Hollow laugh

What if your children go no contact with you? Move halfway across the world and never see you? Never text or ring you ever? Cause you so much grief that you have no option to cut ties?

The latter happened to my grandparents regarding my uncle.

What happens then? You deem yourself as having no family? Sad.

@supercee

Does anyone else feel like actually answering the OP's question i.e wants to hear from older childless people, or do people with children just want to keep piling on?

To echo a PP, if someone started a thread 'tell me what you love about having kids in later life', I'm not going to rock up listing all the reasons (buying handbags, going on holidays and not helping anyone else ) I never had them!

In fairness I think many of us have been quite balanced, but the OP did ask the question on Mumsnet so could expect that most people responding would likely be mums!

@Brunaaa

Can I ask a question to the parents on this thread who have replied and talked about the transformative love, wonder and magic that comes with having children. Is this strongest when the children are small? Does the wonder level off?

I've definitely seen the posting endless pictures on SM and WhatsApp, talking about the children endlessly etc from my siblings and friends with young children.

When my first nephew was born I even felt the magic and love a little bit myself - the wonder at his new achievements and even pride, which was a complete suprise to me. As he's got older, and now he's past the age of doing new things every week, I really don't feel this anymore though. I do wonder if it was possibly because I'd had absolutely no exposure to babies and toddlers before he was born so it was all new to me.

I wonder if parents feel this a bit too?

When they are your own child, it does not wear off, no. A blessing and a curse. You love them so deeply forever, but gradually have to let go. It's not all about "milestones". If anything as they grow up and you see the people they become, the bond and pride is much more about who they are, not being "cute" and small. Being a parent is watching a person grow, from a baby to an adult. And sacrificing every day to try to make that goes well for them.

Other family members might lose interest as they get older but a parent doesn't. That's the transformative love. It really is all-consuming. That they come first above any husband or partner or anyone else, with no question. No matter how old they get. That's what people mean by that I think. It's scary and exhausting and terrible at times but also a very beautiful experience that it's hard to imagine you could have in any other way.

@MagentaDoesNotExist Ah that old chestnut. There are plenty of boards on here that have nothing to do with being a parent and there are plenty of people here who don't have children.

The OP asked 'I'm just interested for those of you who are older and child free'. Parents don't need to give a 'balanced view', they weren't required to give a view at all!

That they come first above any husband or partner or anyone else, with no question. No matter how old they get

Spend any time on the relationships board here and that’s demonstrably untrue. From women putting abusive husbands ahead of their children, to people putting new partbers first, to people giving out because they feel their parent/s or ILs favour another sibling over them etc.

People bang on about loneliness because most people fear loneliness. But for those of us who embrace solitude, having children is a horrifying prospect because it connects you to the world in a very tangible way.

OP, I'm in my late 50s and childless by choice and conviction.

There are no cons - how could there be? I never wanted children and am lucky enough to live in an age when I didn't have to have them.

I'm not frightened of being alone. I'm not even frightened of dying alone. When people speak darkly of having no next of kin save the solicitor, I think it sounds very restful. I have a partner I love, but who will almost certainly die before me. I have one older sibling, also childfree by choice. I'll probably end up a solitary eccentric for a couple of decades.

I can't fucking wait.

It's a bit of an impossible question as the perceived pros and cons are going to be very subjective and dependent on so many things.

In a crude way I would liken it to people listing the pros and cons of getting a dog. Personally I don't want a dog, have never wanted a dog and can only really see the work and hassle of owning one. For others the practical elements and other negatives are completely outweighed by the relationship and joy that a dog brings to their lives. The problem is, the pros are generally much harder to quantify and less tangible. I can easily reel off information on vets bills, booking kennels for holidays or how many walks a dog needs, but a dog lover can't really explain just how much they love their dog and the bond they have.

Unsurprisingly I will stay dog free and will probably remain a bit mystified about why people choose to have dogs. What I won't assume though is that I'm not losing out in anyway by not having a dog or that all dog owners are envious of my dog free lifestyle (as they almost certainly aren't, even if certain elements appeal to them). I won't harp on about the dogs that turned out to be difficult pets or caused their owners lots of trouble and grief and then neglect to mention the much loved dogs that brought companionship and joy.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that the decision to be child free is as valid as the decision to have children. There is no definitive list of pros and cons and it's fine to recognise that people want different things. Even if some elements are appealing, it is totally possible for the negatives to outweigh the positives. Just don't forget to remain non judgemental and appreciate people see the world and children (and dogs) differently.

@Bumpitybumper round of applause for your post.
Absolutely brilliant.

Excellent post @Bumpitybumper

@Bumpitybumper suppose that through some unforeseen circumstances you did end up with a dog, and you quite liked the experience of having a dog, despite what you had previously perceived to be negatives about it, would you ‘harp on’ to those dog-free people you know about the virtues of dog ownership, about how suddenly all the hardship and sacrifice is somehow just worth it when they’re you’re own, like nothing you can actually describe, and infer that their lives must be empty and meaningless without a dog?
Would you chime in with your opinions even when you by virtue of owning a dog were expressly someone whose opinion hadn’t been sought?

Bumpity - Even if some elements are appealing, it is totally possible for the negatives to outweigh the positives.

That line of your response really stood out to me. Thank you. Makes me feel ok that even if I like children for example or can see some appealing points of being a mum it is ok if for me the negatives are stronger than the positives I see.

[quote sammylady37]@Bumpitybumper suppose that through some unforeseen circumstances you did end up with a dog, and you quite liked the experience of having a dog, despite what you had previously perceived to be negatives about it, would you ‘harp on’ to those dog-free people you know about the virtues of dog ownership, about how suddenly all the hardship and sacrifice is somehow just worth it when they’re you’re own, like nothing you can actually describe, and infer that their lives must be empty and meaningless without a dog?
Would you chime in with your opinions even when you by virtue of owning a dog were expressly someone whose opinion hadn’t been sought?[/quote]
Brilliantly put.

I'm sure there are lots of pros and cons but they will be very individual so I think you have to go on your gut feeling. If you don't want children you will probably be happier without them.
One thing I would say though is that it's a bit pointless to only ask people who are childfree what the pros and cons are. You will get a bit of a skewed response.

One thing I would say though is that it's a bit pointless to only ask people who are childfree what the pros and cons are. You will get a bit of a skewed response.

I don’t agree. OP said she was pretty sure she wanted to remain childfree but wanted to know the pros and cons of being childfree when older. Who better to ask than older childfree people?