Page 23 | Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

Seaair2 · 2021-01-29T13:22:38+00:00

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Eekay · 03/02/2021 00:00

I'm a grandmother now. I love my kids deeply.
If I could've looked into a crystal ball and seen the tattered life motherhood would cause, I would have remained childless.
You do take a risk when you choose motherhood.
For some it's mostly wonderful and that's so great.
I was dealt a bad hand. I have had to move heaven and earth for my children, ruining my health in the process. And I live with heartbreak every day.
Anyone who is childfree by choice should be respected and left alone IMO

Corcory · 03/02/2021 00:14

I have a slightly different perspective from others in that I am a step parent and the parent of two adopted teens.
I became a step parent in my early 30s and really enjoyed most of it in that I helped with their education and advised re careers, uni. etc. none of which their parents had done or had any interest in, I even went to parents nights on my own. In my 40s we adopted two children. They both have ADHD and one has Autism as well. I love them to bits, they are my life. They haven't come without their trials and tribulations but the rewards of seeing them flourish far outweigh any of these. Because they have additional needs, even the smallest step is a great positive. I feel that if I have impacted on their life and helped them and made a difference then my life is worth while. And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

username44416 · 03/02/2021 00:24

not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

IdblowJonSnow · 03/02/2021 00:31

I adore my kids and would never be without them, however, if you're on the fence or just not wanting to then I would say don't!

SO many cons. My body, mind and finances are buggared and I'm still sleep deprived years after having them.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 03/02/2021 01:57

@Corcory

I have a slightly different perspective from others in that I am a step parent and the parent of two adopted teens. I became a step parent in my early 30s and really enjoyed most of it in that I helped with their education and advised re careers, uni. etc. none of which their parents had done or had any interest in, I even went to parents nights on my own. In my 40s we adopted two children. They both have ADHD and one has Autism as well. I love them to bits, they are my life. They haven't come without their trials and tribulations but the rewards of seeing them flourish far outweigh any of these. Because they have additional needs, even the smallest step is a great positive. I feel that if I have impacted on their life and helped them and made a difference then my life is worth while. And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

What a wonderful and kind thing to do. It's great that it has given you so much filfulment.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 03/02/2021 02:02

@IdblowJonSnow

I adore my kids and would never be without them, however, if you're on the fence or just not wanting to then I would say don't!

SO many cons. My body, mind and finances are buggared and I'm still sleep deprived years after having them.

Yep. Same here.

It is the best thing I have ever done, and the most meaningful and wonderful experience of my life. Absolutely no regrets (even though I'm doing it as a single parent and have been sonce they were small babies). But my goodness, it is exhausting and draining and expensive. And how I wish for the days of a week on a beach on my own. So I can see why people who've never done it do not feel sad or "miss it" - like other have said how can you miss something you have not done? Impossible. But would I change my decisions even if I knew at the time I'd be left with two young babies alone? Hell, no.

There are an infinite number if ways to live a life. Not all women are the same and nor do we have to be, to celebrate however each other find happiness.

sammylady37 · 03/02/2021 04:50

@Corcory

And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else

Well, of course. I mean, clearly childfree women are utterly aimless and drift through life just buying handbags and shoes for themselves. They never, ever help anyone else. Nope. Selfish Prets, every last one of them. And materialistic too.

sammylady37 · 03/02/2021 04:50

*prats

AllMyPrettyOnes · 03/02/2021 04:57

@Corcory

I have a slightly different perspective from others in that I am a step parent and the parent of two adopted teens. I became a step parent in my early 30s and really enjoyed most of it in that I helped with their education and advised re careers, uni. etc. none of which their parents had done or had any interest in, I even went to parents nights on my own. In my 40s we adopted two children. They both have ADHD and one has Autism as well. I love them to bits, they are my life. They haven't come without their trials and tribulations but the rewards of seeing them flourish far outweigh any of these. Because they have additional needs, even the smallest step is a great positive. I feel that if I have impacted on their life and helped them and made a difference then my life is worth while. And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

Personally, I'd rather the have the holidays and money.

But you do you

AllMyPrettyOnes · 03/02/2021 04:58

[quote sammylady37]@Corcory

And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else

Well, of course. I mean, clearly childfree women are utterly aimless and drift through life just buying handbags and shoes for themselves. They never, ever help anyone else. Nope. Selfish Prets, every last one of them. And materialistic too.[/quote]
Hahaha.

supercee · 03/02/2021 07:49

Does anyone else feel like actually answering the OP's question i.e wants to hear from older childless people, or do people with children just want to keep piling on?

To echo a PP, if someone started a thread 'tell me what you love about having kids in later life', I'm not going to rock up listing all the reasons (buying handbags, going on holidays and not helping anyone else ) I never had them!

SweatyBetty20 · 03/02/2021 08:04

For me, not having kids gives me freedom, and spontaneity. I did want children when I was younger, but was single for years, and didn’t want to settle.

There was a couple of periods I was miserable about it; in my 30s all my friends had kids and I lost a lot of mates who understandably now had other priorities. And just as I hit 40 the biological clock and perimenopause kicked in, which I found very hard to ignore despite my head knowing it was the right decision.

Now I’m 48 and those pangs have largely subsided. What got me through it was interests and a lifestyle that I may have not been able to sustain had I had children, and female friends (single and married) of all ages but especially older who didn’t have children for a variety of reasons. They made me realise that there is more than one path to take to be happy, and the one without kids at the end is just as good as the one with.

Newkitchen123 · 03/02/2021 08:13

I would have liked kids in my late 20s. It was not meant to be. Two rounds of IVF that didn't work. As much as I'd have been over the moon if it happened I didn't allow it to rule my life and as I got a bit older I think I probably became a bit selfish if that's the right word because I quite enjoyed not having anyone else to think about while my friends who were parents didn't seem to get a minute to themselves. Leaving the house with kids seemed to be a military operation.
I was widowed young and I'm now married again, he doesn't have kids either. The circumstances of our relationship, work, where we both lived at the time mean that realistically if either of us had kids then this particular relationship, I'm not saying any relationship, would not have worked.
Life is what you make it. If you really want kids then go for it. But my time and money is my own and as much as I was disappointed, devastated in fact, when I found out it wasn't going to happen, it really isn't the end of the world and being child free is actually quite nice.
I'm pushing 50 now

Indoctro · 03/02/2021 08:18

My friend who is childless says the main down side is the worry of loneliness in older age, if partner died before her she won't really have anyone. So could live many many years alone with not much family.

sammylady37 · 03/02/2021 08:41

@Indoctro

My friend who is childless says the main down side is the worry of loneliness in older age, if partner died before her she won't really have anyone. So could live many many years alone with not much family.

Wow. That’s a new insight that’s never been mentioned - and firmly rebutted- on this thread before

OFAHmusical · 03/02/2021 08:45

@sammylady37 I guess mothers don’t have time to read the whole thread. That’s for us child free people, who have all the time in the world to lie around drinking wine and eating bon-bons and actually answering the question someone has asked.

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 03/02/2021 08:45

@username44416

not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

This thread brings all the sanctimommies to the yard.

Indoctro · 03/02/2021 09:31

@sammylady37

I haven't read the whole thread just posted a comment, why are you so unpleasant in your reply.? I was not talking to you I was talking to the OP.

You sound extremely touchy on the subject.

sammylady37 · 03/02/2021 09:36

[quote Indoctro]@sammylady37

I haven't read the whole thread just posted a comment, why are you so unpleasant in your reply.? I was not talking to you I was talking to the OP.

You sound extremely touchy on the subject. [/quote]
Wading into a discussion without any idea of what’s already been discussed to insert your oh-so-important opinion, with clear disregard for the fact that it’s already been very thoroughly discussed, is actually very very rude.

sammylady37 · 03/02/2021 09:36

[quote OFAHmusical]@sammylady37 I guess mothers don’t have time to read the whole thread. That’s for us child free people, who have all the time in the world to lie around drinking wine and eating bon-bons and actually answering the question someone has asked.[/quote]
Ah, I always forget the bonbons. Must buy some!

CounsellorTroi · 03/02/2021 09:47

sanctimommies

What a wonderful word.

QueenoftheAir · 03/02/2021 10:02

And that's the whole point I have an aim in life, not just enjoying holidays and spending money on myself but helping someone else.

Because of course @Corcory women without never help anyone else, nor have aims in life, nor do anything worthwhile. I don't know about your life, but mine is rich, worthwhile, and sustained by service to others through my profession and my personal relationships.

I often wonder about people's lives and characters, that having children makes such a change in their characters.

QueenoftheAir · 03/02/2021 10:04

They did not know a whole life without kids no. If you have children, now can you know what it's like to be childless at 60. This what the OP was asking. Not "what is it like to have children?" but "what it is like to be childfree in later life?"

@CounsellorTroi you put it so well. Some people with children think they know both worlds, but actually they don't. And quite a few really don't understand the point you make. It's a kind of protective arrogance, I think.

sammylady37 · 03/02/2021 10:11

@CounsellorTroi

sanctimommies

What a wonderful word.

Oh I missed that on first reading. That’s wonderful! It beats my ‘mummy martyrs’!

Brunaaa · 03/02/2021 14:23

Can I ask a question to the parents on this thread who have replied and talked about the transformative love, wonder and magic that comes with having children. Is this strongest when the children are small? Does the wonder level off?

I've definitely seen the posting endless pictures on SM and WhatsApp, talking about the children endlessly etc from my siblings and friends with young children.

When my first nephew was born I even felt the magic and love a little bit myself - the wonder at his new achievements and even pride, which was a complete suprise to me. As he's got older, and now he's past the age of doing new things every week, I really don't feel this anymore though. I do wonder if it was possibly because I'd had absolutely no exposure to babies and toddlers before he was born so it was all new to me.

I wonder if parents feel this a bit too?