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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 02/02/2021 17:37

It’s all a bit ‘the lady doth protest too much’ if you ask me!

I'm not sure. I think it is a result of people feeling criticised about their life choices.

sammylady37 · 02/02/2021 18:32

@Ginfordinner

It’s all a bit ‘the lady doth protest too much’ if you ask me!

I'm not sure. I think it is a result of people feeling criticised about their life choices.

Maybe. I do think though that those who overly gush about their lives are generally trying to create the impression that things are wonderful when they’re actually not. It’s like the ott posts on Facebook about their relationships, they’re trying so hard to convince everyone else that things are just perfect, however it comes across to me as them insisting “WE’RE HAPPY I TELL YOU, HAPPY!!!” - you know then things are rocky - the modern equivalent of the curse of Hello!

I think it’s quite a taboo to admit you regret having children, or even that it’s not as great as you’d anticipated, and I do wonder if the most effusive people are actually deep down not all that happy with their lives.

And before I’m rounded on, I don’t mean everyone who says they love being a mother, I’m talking about those who gush about how transformative and almost magical it has been and cannot accept for one second that someone else may not think motherhood is all that great.

Inthewhiteroom95 · 02/02/2021 18:43

My older sister is 44 with no kids she looks younger than me and I'm 10 years younger! She sleeps 9 hours a night, makes love to her husband most nights before dinner. Is probably the happiest and most fufilled person I know.

You do really love your kids there is nothing like it but itsca very raw deal, they use up your life force and leave you with little for yourself or a partner. If its your dream to be a parent fair enough if not then don't do it!

Sorberret · 02/02/2021 19:29

The thing is parents know life without kids and life without kids whereas non parents only know life without kids. They have never experienced that overwhelming and all consuming love you have for your child. Nor experienced the feeling of their little arms hugging you and looking into your eyes with complete love and trust. Yes there are difficult times and changes your lifestyle but after 3 I have no regrets! I would never say "you'll regret it" to childless people because not only do I find it so patronising but because I also respect everyone is different and parenting is just not for some people. However I also hate it when people say urgh I don't have to deal with sleepless nights, pooey nappies, stroppy teens! I just find it such a stupid comment. The thing that I love as a parent is Christmas- their excitement the night before and the utter joy on the faces Christmas morning - you really can't beat it!

Sorberret · 02/02/2021 19:31

*oops that should read life WITH kids 🤦‍♀️

sammylady37 · 02/02/2021 19:57

The thing is parents know life without kids and life without kids whereas non parents only know life without kids

Sigh. As has been explained multiple times in this thread, parents only know life without kids up until they had them. Life in your 20s and early 30s without kids is very different to life in your late 40s/50s without kids, and knowing you’ll never have kids, and parents won’t know what the latter two are like.

sammylady37 · 02/02/2021 20:04

They have never experienced that overwhelming and all consuming love you have for your child

Is this much famed overwhelming and all consuming love exclusive to parents though? I posted earlier in the thread about the time I willingly threw myself in front of someone I loved as she was about to be knifed, so I ended up being the one knifed instead. I did that automatically, instinctively, without thinking, because of my love for her. That seems pretty unconditional to me.

I also hate it when people say urgh I don't have to deal with sleepless nights, pooey nappies, stroppy teens! I just find it such a stupid comment

What’s stupid about it? Sleepless nights are not pleasant, shitty nappies are not pleasant and stroppy teens are not pleasant. Sleepless nights and stroppy teens can be sources of very significant stress and worry. Shitty nappies seem to be the cause of much resentment in relationships when one person is deemed not to be doing their fair share of dealing with them, if the multitude of threads on the relationships board are anything to go by. So it’s not stupid to consider not having to deal with any of those things to be a positive.

Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 02/02/2021 20:13

@CounsellorTroi

I also think that if you wanted children and it didn't work out but you are ok with it and happy, some mothers find that almost threatening too. Disproves the narrative that you always regret it and can never get over it if you wanted children and didn't/couldn't have them.
I wanted children desperately and it never happened for various reasons.

I have the occasional pang about not having children but 99.99999% of the time it's great.

I'm a loving aunt and godmother - I love the bones of them all.

I don't think my mum friends are jealous of me. I think sometimes they'd like my uninterrupted sleep and being able to pee in privacy.

Inthewhiteroom95 · 02/02/2021 20:21

@Sorberret I have children and known life with them and without and while I do love my kids and know what you mean so much of those feeling at least for me are just biology making sure I take care of them, motherhood re-wired me into someone and something else. I'm not who I was but I loved who I was before kids, I would have loved to see who she would have become, what she would have done but I never will because I became a mother, sure its got its perks but its not the be all and end all its a lot of pain for some reward most of it biologically driven, motherhood isn't the most fufilling thing to do for many, many parents not by a long shot.

Once you have them you no longer have a choice, you need to love and care for them and you cling on to any good bits and hold them up because you need to to keep going. People always say it gets easier after the first few years and I think yes because you are totally broken by then and have stockholm syndrome!

Oileo · 02/02/2021 20:27

Might sound silly, I’m from a huge family, married into a huge family and began my own large family before 20. Everyone has 4/5 or more, some 8/9/ even 14.
Not in a negative way, I’m happy, I do sometimes wonder what I’d have done if I’d really thought about being child-free as an option. I just didn’t even consider it, it was just done. I love them loads- but I also can see I’d have made a happy child-free life too. I would have been ok, probably more career focused for a while- but I imagine travelling and feeling less root bound. I’d see the world and certainly take more risks.

Ginfordinner · 02/02/2021 20:34

I also hate it when people say urgh I don't have to deal with sleepless nights, pooey nappies, stroppy teens! I just find it such a stupid comment

I think you'll find that those of us who do have children, but are past those stages also think that Grin

14 children @Oileo Shock

Oileo · 02/02/2021 20:39

@Ginfordinner yep, my Dad’s mum

NuniaBeeswax · 02/02/2021 20:46

"The thing is parents know life without kids and life without kids whereas non parents only know life without kids"

What is the actual point of comments like these though? It's not as though you can become a parent and then decide later that "nah, this isn't for me", is it? I don't need to be a parent to know that I don't want to be a parent!

HitchFlix · 02/02/2021 20:57

They have never experienced that overwhelming and all consuming love you have for your child.

Plenty of parents haven't experienced this "overwhelming" love you speak of! I remember when my first DD was born waiting for this mad rush of insane emotion unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my entire life... well I was sorely disappointed 😂 I was so bloody exhausted after a three day horrendous labour I just wanted someone to take her away so I could sleep!

That gushy "all consuming" type of love never hit me. It was a slow burn as I got to know her. Love is so subjective anyway. No one knows how anyone else feels it, so trying to insist a certain "type" of love is something only parents feel is daft. I also think it partly comes down to personality. Some people fall in love at the drop of a hat and can be quite dramatic about it, so of course that extends to their off-spring.

Yes I look at my DC and feel a surge of love over something sweet and endearing but I can't say it's hugely different (in terms of emotional intensity) than how I used to feel about my husband in the early days of our relationship. I feel it more often for them and for small silly reasons, but I still wouldn't say I'm utterly consumed by it.

I sort of feel cheated by the whole thing to be honest Grin

TattyDevine · 02/02/2021 20:57

I haven't read the thread but will go back and do so.

Pros: There are some really obvious ones as parents tend to love their kids once they come along, and having more love in your life is generally not a bad thing. You can make a whole new set of friends and become really immersed in your local community in a way that you may not without deliberately going to the effort when you had kids. I think I didn't quite feel truly part of my community till I had had the kids, I slept here, enjoyed my house on the weekend and things like restaurants etc but I wasn't truly immersed as I was at work during the week. Many switch to more local or less hours of work in the early days after kids to facilitate the kids. Some don't, if both have full on careers you can avoid all that with a full time nanny.

I think it would be naive to think you'd definitely have someone to look after you in old age but if you live long your friends could all die on you. You'd at least have someone to vouch for you and have "kin", even if they lived in another country. Unless estranged I guess. You might get grandchildren and enjoy that as much or even more than raising your own kids.

There's a feeling of leaving a legacy of sorts but you can do that with other things you create or make better or achieve too. Or you could give birth to a murderer so who knows?!

Cons: I'm sure the really obvious stuff like expensive holidays and general expense has been covered.

If shit hits the fan, if you have kids they would intensify the worry. Global pandemic - oh shit the kids education. Global warming - my kids will boil in their own juices. Gone bankrupt? Sorry kids, no you can't have those trainers. Got cancer? Shit I might die, my poor kids! Etc. There must be a sort of serenity from not having to constantly feel like you have something vulnerable to protect whist still trying not to raise an entitled snowflake.

And you open yourself up to the possibility of the most incredible, indescribable and debilitating psychological pain if something happens to your kid.

Anothermother3 · 02/02/2021 20:59

I am not childfree but I think it’s a very healthy thing to remain childfree and think it should never be seen as anything but a valid choice. I have a childfree colleague and she gets to sleep and do hobbies and do exactly what she wants in all of her free time. It’s amazing! She paints she games she laughs at the chaos in my house and delights in the lack of chaos in her house.
I have always wanted children. I love them to pieces and I find the relentlessness of parenting hard at times. The lack of sleep the triggering of my own issues at times the constant reflection on how I could/should/must do better. The constantly being touched (and I’m a tactile person!) and asked for things the never ending expense. Honestly if I didn’t want to be a parent or wasn’t sure it would be awful.

Longer term there are no guarantees. I hope my kids stay close to me and I will try and do what I can to facilitate this but I’d not force anything r guilt them into anything I hope. I also don’t want them having to physically care for me in any way and hope that never happens.

CounsellorTroi · 02/02/2021 21:08

The thing is parents know life without kids and life without kids whereas non parents only know life without kids.

How many times does it need to be said that parents know life before kids, but they don't know a life without kids?

BadLad · 02/02/2021 22:25

@CounsellorTroi

The thing is parents know life without kids and life without kids whereas non parents only know life without kids.

How many times does it need to be said that parents know life before kids, but they don't know a life without kids?

It makes about as much senses as saying "I was unemployed for a couple of years, so I know what being retired is like".
SteelyMindedLiberal · 02/02/2021 22:34

I used to avidly scour threads like these before I had kids. I didn't want to make the wrong decision, because from the outside being a parent looks like actual Hades. I now realise that to be largely true. I have two dc, age 2 & 5, I am knackered, our once-amazing sex life is fucked, I will never again feel fully carefree, I nag and worry and occasionally long for them to disappear so I can have me some sweet, sweet peace.

But. It turns out, I really, really wanted them. Once I'd switched off all the noise inside my head, and stopped thinking about things from the perspective of other people... once I'd tuned out those niggling fears, and society's narrative (whatever it is these days: not sure I think motherhood is lauded - more seen as a slog) ...then the answer was there all along.

Some of us are unfortunate enough to be slaves to our biology. For me, that means my squirming, squalling, puce-faced little life-wreckers filled some basic need in the inner reaches of my core.

But if that need isn't there, why put yourself through it? The cons are obvious and well documented. I concur with them all.

On the pro side: for me, the love is so transformative, so enormous, it magnifies tiny, innocuous moments, so they become shot through with a sort of magic. That's why so many parents lose their heads and post endless pictures of their darlings on social media (I swore I wouldn't do it! I do it all the time). Someone mentioned small hands in theirs - yes! - making them laugh, watching them interact, the first notes they write (my DD, apparently, loves me and daddy so much she 'cud bursd').

Speaking only for myself, this technicolour shower of halo-rimmed sparks that explode when your kid chuckles at you, when they first say 'I love you', when you happen across the big one 'reading' to the little one... collectively, it's one whopper of an experience I'd have hated to miss.

I suppose my conclusion is this: push practicalities aside, because none of them really matter (all this is discussed ad infinitum upthread). Switch off the noise, listen to your gut, then step forward with confidence. This is a deep old decision, and if you are one of the lucky ones who is able to sidestep that primal urge to procreate, spare yourself years of snotty nose wiping and midnight wailing and do it!

Oh, and living the best years of your life as insurance for your twilight years sounds no fun. It's super simple: if you really, really, deep-down want them, have kids. They will meet that deep need and you will love it.

Conversely, I'd guess that if you only have them for practical / societal / cerebral reasons, you're likely looking at wall-to-wall Hades.

IcedPurple · 02/02/2021 22:46

@Thingsdogetbetter

Childfree at 52. I can list many pros, and not single con.

Oh wait, sometimes I have nothing to contribute when my parents friends are complaining about lack of sleep, teenage hormones, paying for kids' university fees etc etc Grin

51 and feel exactly the same way! So many pros, few if any cons. Just don't see the appeal myself.
MyDcAreMarvel · 02/02/2021 22:53

@CounsellorTroi How many times does it need to be said that parents know life before kids, but they don't know a life without kids?
What a stupid comment. Before parents had children had children they knew a life without kids.
Take two women one 35 one 37 , the 35 year old decided to be child free, the 37 year old had a child at 36. Are you trying to suggest that age 35 they did not both know a life without kids?

TattyDevine · 02/02/2021 22:56

To be fair I have kids and by 51 I won't have any of those things to complain about either (lack of sleep, teenagers, uni fees etc). But I suppose that's a sure thing if you don't have kids.

username44416 · 02/02/2021 22:56

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@CounsellorTroi* How many times does it need to be said that parents know life before kids, but they don't know a life without kids?*
What a stupid comment. Before parents had children had children they knew a life without kids.
Take two women one 35 one 37 , the 35 year old decided to be child free, the 37 year old had a child at 36. Are you trying to suggest that age 35 they did not both know a life without kids?[/quote]
It's not a stupid comment at all - it's the thread. The thread is asking women in their 50/60s who have never had children, what are the pros and cons of their choice.

How has someone who is 37 with children, experienced life in their 50s and onwards without children?

How can someone who has children pontificate on a lifetime without? I don't jump into threads asking women who have children about their experiences and tell them all about mine childfree.

CounsellorTroi · 02/02/2021 23:13

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@CounsellorTroi* How many times does it need to be said that parents know life before kids, but they don't know a life without kids?*
What a stupid comment. Before parents had children had children they knew a life without kids.
Take two women one 35 one 37 , the 35 year old decided to be child free, the 37 year old had a child at 36. Are you trying to suggest that age 35 they did not both know a life without kids?[/quote]
They did not know a whole life without kids no. If you have children, now can you know what it's like to be childless at 60. This what the OP was asking. Not "what is it like to have children?" but "what it is like to be childfree in later life?"

MagentaDoesNotExist · 02/02/2021 23:35

@SteelyMindedLiberal

I used to avidly scour threads like these before I had kids. I didn't want to make the wrong decision, because from the outside being a parent looks like actual Hades. I now realise that to be largely true. I have two dc, age 2 & 5, I am knackered, our once-amazing sex life is fucked, I will never again feel fully carefree, I nag and worry and occasionally long for them to disappear so I can have me some sweet, sweet peace.

But. It turns out, I really, really wanted them. Once I'd switched off all the noise inside my head, and stopped thinking about things from the perspective of other people... once I'd tuned out those niggling fears, and society's narrative (whatever it is these days: not sure I think motherhood is lauded - more seen as a slog) ...then the answer was there all along.

Some of us are unfortunate enough to be slaves to our biology. For me, that means my squirming, squalling, puce-faced little life-wreckers filled some basic need in the inner reaches of my core.

But if that need isn't there, why put yourself through it? The cons are obvious and well documented. I concur with them all.

On the pro side: for me, the love is so transformative, so enormous, it magnifies tiny, innocuous moments, so they become shot through with a sort of magic. That's why so many parents lose their heads and post endless pictures of their darlings on social media (I swore I wouldn't do it! I do it all the time). Someone mentioned small hands in theirs - yes! - making them laugh, watching them interact, the first notes they write (my DD, apparently, loves me and daddy so much she 'cud bursd').

Speaking only for myself, this technicolour shower of halo-rimmed sparks that explode when your kid chuckles at you, when they first say 'I love you', when you happen across the big one 'reading' to the little one... collectively, it's one whopper of an experience I'd have hated to miss.

I suppose my conclusion is this: push practicalities aside, because none of them really matter (all this is discussed ad infinitum upthread). Switch off the noise, listen to your gut, then step forward with confidence. This is a deep old decision, and if you are one of the lucky ones who is able to sidestep that primal urge to procreate, spare yourself years of snotty nose wiping and midnight wailing and do it!

Oh, and living the best years of your life as insurance for your twilight years sounds no fun. It's super simple: if you really, really, deep-down want them, have kids. They will meet that deep need and you will love it.

Conversely, I'd guess that if you only have them for practical / societal / cerebral reasons, you're likely looking at wall-to-wall Hades.

This is the best post on this thread and I agree with you completely. Smile