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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Seaair2 · 01/02/2021 14:29

That’s a lovely thoughtful reply Magenta, a lovely way of looking at decisions.

OP posts:
Bluesheep8 · 01/02/2021 14:34

They're only cute until they are about 10. Then they become smelly and temperamental.
I love this post!
Grin

MagentaDoesNotExist · 01/02/2021 15:06

@Bluesheep8

They're only cute until they are about 10. Then they become smelly and temperamental. I love this post! Grin
Oh believe me, they are smelly long before that! Grin But yes, very cute also.
Notimeforaname · 01/02/2021 15:45

Im sorry you feel attacked by me Imapotato but I just asked questions and reflected your point back at you.
The question was for childfree women. I really dont know why you're here talking about how great it is to have kids... I'm delighted for you and your happiness no issue there. But you cannot tell me that there must be a con to childfree life for me. You absolutely dont know my mind better than me and if my life has cons so you can say ''there must be'' all you like but you won't ever know will you.

Notimeforaname · 01/02/2021 15:47

Very well said HitchFlix !

MagentaDoesNotExist · 01/02/2021 16:03

@Seaair2

That’s a lovely thoughtful reply Magenta, a lovely way of looking at decisions.
Thank you. I find it such a shame women often don't support each other in our decisions. I have friends who have children and friends who do not and it is interesting to share different experiences, and sometimes to live the vicariously! We never attack each other in the way I've seen here, or judge each other.
BootsieBarnes · 01/02/2021 16:27

Magenta this is a parallel universe and no way near representative of real life. Can you imagine some of the stuff you read on here actually being spoken outloud!

I think it comes down to knowing yourself. Some people have a deep maternal urge to have children and they are driven by that. Others have a deep internal instinct that they do not want to be a parent and that it is definitely not the right choice for them. As women I don't think we give each other the courtesy of respecting the fact that people make different choices based on their own sense of themselves. They project onto that person their choices or viewpoints and any rejection of that is almost taken as a personal slight. We need to accept we are all individuals, with different wants, desires and needs, not some homogeneous group. Problem is I think women have been subject to such misogyny throughout centuries that when we are starting to break free of those expectations we start doing it to ourselves!

Binkybix · 02/02/2021 03:33

But for me, the fact a child is joining me on the holiday would be enough to ruin it!

This really tickled me!

Bythemillpond · 02/02/2021 10:20

I don’t think I had a maternal bone in my body before giving birth. But as soon a I did it all seemed to make sense

OFAHmusical · 02/02/2021 12:10

Some people REALLY haven’t read the OP.

username4214 · 02/02/2021 12:14

I don't understand why someone without a maternal bone in their body would choose to have a child. I'm glad for your child that it worked out.

YouJustDoYou · 02/02/2021 12:26

I don't understand why someone without a maternal bone in their body would choose to have a child

Many reasons? Chiefly for me personally it was for the future - I've never been maternal, but I was desperate for a family of my own in the future more grown up sense - I'm not a baby person, had no drive for a baby, but I DID have a drive for a future family.

username4214 · 02/02/2021 12:30

There are plenty of children in care whose mother's had no maternal drive either. I see that as a huge gamble, that very luckily paid off for your children.

YouJustDoYou · 02/02/2021 12:37

There are plenty of children in care whose mother's had no maternal drive either. I see that as a huge gamble, that very luckily paid off for your children

You can also say precisely the same of parents who did have a drive , but then ended up hugely regretting it.

Best decision I ever made.

OFAHmusical · 02/02/2021 12:42

You STILL haven’t read it!

PrawnCorset · 02/02/2021 12:51

@username4214

I don't understand why someone without a maternal bone in their body would choose to have a child. I'm glad for your child that it worked out.
Because what most people mean by ‘having/not having a maternal bone’ is actually fairly meaningless, certainly as regards how good a parent they turn out to be. Cooing over prams or melting over passing toddlers or having chosen names for your four imaginary children aged ten has no bearing on how you’ll parent.

Sometimes women who would describe themselves as incredibly ‘maternal’ have children unthinkingly, because that’s ‘just what you do,’ without thinking much or at all about what kind of life they can give a child. A more ambivalent woman, one who doesn’t see herself as ‘maternal’ is likely to have thought long and hard about what she’s doing before having a child.

username4214 · 02/02/2021 13:00

If that were the case, and people thought long and hard about it, fewer would have children. Many who have children don't think about it. It's a very difficult job and I can't imagine why someone with no leanings towards it whatsoever, would choose to do it. There are a lot of crap parents in the world.

PrawnCorset · 02/02/2021 13:16

@username4214

If that were the case, and people thought long and hard about it, fewer would have children. Many who have children don't think about it. It's a very difficult job and I can't imagine why someone with no leanings towards it whatsoever, would choose to do it. There are a lot of crap parents in the world.
Well, fewer women are having children, particularly in wealthy first-world countries, whether you view that as a sign of better educational and career opportunities for women, and an increasing acceptance of choices to be childfree or as a failure of governments and employers to make parenthood and employment mesh well, or as a response to not tackling climate change.

And vague 'leanings' in advance of parenthood don't have any demonstrable correlation with whether that parent turns out to be crap/not crap.

username4214 · 02/02/2021 13:23

No they dont, but neither does having no inclination whatsoever help. I would say more women are choosing not to because there is less pressure and more choice. It's more culturally acceptable not to.

Bythemillpond · 02/02/2021 13:39

I don't understand why someone without a maternal bone in their body would choose to have a child. I'm glad for your child that it worked out

I really didn’t give it a thought before hand and got pregnant by accident.
I knew I would never have an abortion so just thought it was one of lives wonderful detours.
I have known a few women who would have called themselves maternal or mother hens and cooed over every baby they saw and were over the moon when they got pregnant. The idea of being an Earth mother, giving up work and being a hands on mother was their plan only for them to have their parents move in and being back behind their desk when the baby had just turned 2 weeks old.

I don’t think it is a case that you have to be maternal or have held a baby before you have a child. I loved every stage of my children’s lives and if I could turn the clock back to when they were babies and I could hold them in my arms again and I could relive it all again. I would do in a flash.

username4214 · 02/02/2021 13:44

And, while that is absolutely fantastic for you, that it worked out. Many choose not to have children, and that is fantastic too. I chose not to have children. I am good with children, I'm good with my nieces and nephews but chose not to have them as I didn't want the responsibility. I'm v happy with that choice. So, good for both of us.

Original poster
Seaair2 · 02/02/2021 13:54

It is some of the responses on here that makes women who have chosen to or are choosing to remain free doubt themselves, because it is presented like children are the best thing ever and not having them is a major mistake for everyone!

OP posts:
Flippyferloppy · 02/02/2021 14:21

When I was younger, I imagined myself with 2 kids (and a dog), but I've never actually wanted kids. DH would have gone along with the idea if I'd wanted a child (he has an adult son), but fully understands that I don't.

I really don't think that being a parent is all it's hyped up to be. It's exhausting (both mentaly and physically), loud, messy, expensive, relentless. Problems do not disappear when they turn 18 either (DH has bailed his 35 year-old son out several times recently - SS has mental health issues).

When I look around me I see a friend who basically entrapped a (rich) man by getting pregnant. She actively dislikes kids and farmed them out as much as she could. Another friend has completely destroyed her marriage in her quest to get pregant and her behaviour afterwards. She went through all the horrors of IVF and now she's had her child, her husband has basically been pushed out of the picture. A family member has 2 special needs kids (ASD), she is constantly stressed out, expecting things to go wrong, fighting for them to obtain support. Another family member has 3 kids, 1 with learning difficulties, 1 with ASD, 1 NT. She lives her whole life through them, in a "if you want to make me happy, make my kids happy" way. Another family member has the two worst-behaved kids I know (completely wild, swearing at teachers, etc.). My closest friends have one gifted child and one child with dyslexia, ADHD, ASD. Both kids are really demanding, for different reasons. None of these families are happy, as far as I can tell. They are, however, all stressed and exhausted.

Looking through everyone I know, I can only think of 2 truly happy families, where the kids are loved, nurtured and cared for and the parents seem to be enjoying life despite the occasional bump in the road.

People have listed numerous advantages, but it basically comes down to the fact that your time and money are yours (and your partner's, if you have one).

Having children so that they can care for you when you are older is 100% wrong and totally selfish. People who do this are probably setting themselves up for disappointment, in any case. Relationships break up, children move overseas, people sadly lose children...

I do like kids, I spend a lot of time with kids, but I'm happy that they're not mine and that I can give them back. I truly cannot see in what way having a child would improve my life. That, by definition, would be a bad thing for a child.

I'd say that anyone who isn't 100% behind wanting a child probably shouldn't have one.

sammylady37 · 02/02/2021 14:21

@Seaair2

It is some of the responses on here that makes women who have chosen to or are choosing to remain free doubt themselves, because it is presented like children are the best thing ever and not having them is a major mistake for everyone!
It’s all a bit ‘the lady doth protest too much’ if you ask me! I’ve seen it said on these threads before that happily childfree women are seen by some mothers as almost a threat, as they disprove the narrative that you have to have children and ultimately that’s what makes you happy. Now you have these happily childfree women proving that actually no, you don’t have to have children and can be very happy without them and having them should be a well thought out choice rather than an automatic path to mummy-martyrdom.
CounsellorTroi · 02/02/2021 14:33

I also think that if you wanted children and it didn't work out but you are ok with it and happy, some mothers find that almost threatening too. Disproves the narrative that you always regret it and can never get over it if you wanted children and didn't/couldn't have them.