Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

But I think you need to make a bit more of an effort to keep up relationships if you don’t have kids. That’s all

Speaking as a childfree person I very much disagree because all of my spare time outside of work is devoted to relationships I have wheneverI want. I would say not having my own children meant I had much more choice in when I could go out or spend quality time with those I love.
I can usually see anybody at the drop of a hat if I want to or if they need me for something or childcare.

I really dont think I will ever need to try hard to keep relationships up as I have a lot of time for those I love. Dont we all?

@Notimeforaname

But I think you need to make a bit more of an effort to keep up relationships if you don’t have kids. That’s all

Speaking as a childfree person I very much disagree because all of my spare time outside of work is devoted to relationships I have wheneverI want. I would say not having my own children meant I had much more choice in when I could go out or spend quality time with those I love.
I can usually see anybody at the drop of a hat if I want to or if they need me for something or childcare.

I really dont think I will ever need to try hard to keep relationships up as I have a lot of time for those I love. Dont we all?

Of course. I probably should have phrase it more “keeping those relationships up into old age” maybe. It’s hard to put into words exactly.

I think in your younger years child free people do have more people around them in a way. Two of my sisters are child free and likely to remain that way. They have way better social lives than I do. But I wasn’t talking about the here and now.

There is though a big difference between an independent woman who’s adult sons don’t call often as they are living their lives and an elderly person with no next of kin. Not many people have kids with the idea that they will look after them in their old age

Some people will have children who move far away but still make the effort to check in with their parents. Others will have children who make no effort at all.

It's not about arse wiping. On this thread there's the idea that if you have children they'll still call and come to visit you when you're old. That's true for some but it's not a guarantee. So my point is, if your only reason for having a child would be because you're scared you won't be cared about when you're old, I wouldn't let it be a swaying factor.

Of course. I probably should have phrase it more “keeping those relationships up into old age” maybe. It’s hard to put into words exactly

I think, you seem to really believe that you know itll be more difficult for me or people like me in our old age to keep deep,close relationships.

If I told you that I imagine your old age to be difficult, longing after your kids who are likely to move away and dont come by to see you much like many elderly people Ive known...or that you may end up sick and alone,dying in a pandemic aching for your children...
...would you believe me and genuinely think I had a point and reconsider having the children if you could, to avoid those scenarios i described to you?

Would anything like that sway you ?

On occasion I've made flippant or blunt statements to shut down a discussion I don'twant to have. Comments along the lines of I have no desire to replicate my shit genes or I don't want to spend the next 18 years as a walking cash machine, don't reflect my thinking on the issue, ask said upthread my feelings about not having children are mixed and not without sadness. I wouldn't admit that to people in real-life, especially with the breeding evangelists, who will take that as a sign that 'i want them really' and 'i am missing out.'

Hear, hear! @KathleenTurnerOverdrive

Try also being a single childless woman. I'm what I call "socially infertile" - wrong man at the right time, no man at the right tie etc etc etc.

THe low-level pity and/or judgement one receives is just drip drip drip endless. It's little comments, assumptions, and so on.

Why do people so many people seem to think having children means you can't go on holidays without them.

Or that you'll have tons of money because you don't have kids?

There are many childfree, married and single people who are poor on low incomes and have never left the country.

There are people with children who want for nothing much in their lives.

People just need to make the choice that's right for them, without criticising and being so negative towards the opposite choice, that you have no personal experience of.

It's like a competition to see how awful childfree by choice people can show it is to have children. Ironically it all comes across as being rather childish and immature.

I chose to have my kids when I was in my early 20's. By time I was in 40's kids done uni and in careers. I worked hard at my job of teaching and progressed to HoD and examiner. We now have holiday home in France, can help out with dgc nursery fees, can afford to eat out twice a week, have 3 or 4 mini breaks and a month in summer holidays, and I could afford to retire at 56. I can choose to have my dgc for the day but hand them back to dd when they get tired and grumpy. I'm really glad I had them whilst still so young as now not too old to enjoy time with DH and friends.

No uni fees
Holidays
Holidays
Holidays

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]**@AllMyPrettyOnes* You sound so bitter. Hopefully your kids aren't like you.* no not bitter at all - I have children.[/quote]
Good for you - you’re so amazing!! We should all look up to you!!

having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good

Sounds like some shit from The Handmaids Tale

I'm 40 and have a better physique than most guys in their 20s as I have time to hit the gym 4x a week. I also have more disposable income then most of my mates with kids, and tbh I think their lives seem a bit boring and governed by routine.

having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good

Bullshit. 🤣 The world would be much better off with only 50% of the current population. Natural resources are becoming increasingly scarce and the road networks are far more congested than in previous decades.

Yes, we need younger people to care for the elderly who are now living much longer, but that's a solution to a problem we'd be better off not having had in the first place.

@Notimeforaname

Of course. I probably should have phrase it more “keeping those relationships up into old age” maybe. It’s hard to put into words exactly

I think, you seem to really believe that you know itll be more difficult for me or people like me in our old age to keep deep,close relationships.

If I told you that I imagine your old age to be difficult, longing after your kids who are likely to move away and dont come by to see you much like many elderly people Ive known...or that you may end up sick and alone,dying in a pandemic aching for your children...
...would you believe me and genuinely think I had a point and reconsider having the children if you could, to avoid those scenarios i described to you?

Would anything like that sway you ?

No, that isn’t the point I was making.

The OP asked for positives and negatives. From my work over many years I have observed that this could be a possible negative. Yes there are families that don’t bother much with their parents, but the ones who are completely absent are few and far between. At no point did I say that all child free elderly people are lonely, just that they might need to be more conscious of maintaining relationships into old age, that for some people could be viewed as a negative, the OP asked for negatives. There are also positives.

At no point did I mean it as a personal attack on anyone, unlike the personal attack you made on me @Notimeforaname . If you are secure in your choices you should be able to acknowledge the possible downsides, every choice we make in life will likely have a negative to it, but if you feel the positives of remaining child free out weigh those negatives, then it’s the right choice for you. At no point did I say that remaining child free isn’t a valid choice, or did I judge anyone for making that choice.

I acknowledge that a downside of having children is that I would be upset if they didn’t bother with me at all in the future, but weighing up the positives and negatives for me on balance the positives out weigh the negatives and I’m glad I made the choice to have children. It’s absolutely fine for others to feel differently. I actually don’t think that possibly being a bit more lonely in your last few years of life is a reason you should have children if you don’t want them, I don’t think it would be the deciding factor for many people. It’s just another thing of many to consider when weighing up what the right choice is for you. That’s all.

SandyY2k, it really isn't. The thread was started by someone asking a specific group of people (the older child free by choice) what their lives were like. 99% of those specific respondents answered the thread and advised lives very nice thank you, absolutely no regrets about choices made. Then along come people (women) who have children to tell us what we're missing out on, we'll be miserable in our dotage, we'll never know real love etc etc etc. It's like me going onto a thread on the pregnancy board and telling the op (who's thrilled she's pregnant and really looking forward to being a mum) that she's letting herself in for a lifetime of misery, angst, poverty. And of course, I wouldn't do that.

Child free women are not smug about their choices. Most of us have thought very, very hard about our choices because it kicks against societal expectations, and as can be seen from some poster's experiences above, that is hard for some people to understand - for some reason. As a previous poster said, child free people have generally given their decision far more thought, with all ramifications, than those who follow societal norms.

I would also point out that around 20% of women do not have children (obviously some of those not through choice) and the number is growing. That's not a terribly small minority.

@SandyY2K

Why do people so many people seem to think having children means you can't go on holidays without them.

Or that you'll have tons of money because you don't have kids?

There are many childfree, married and single people who are poor on low incomes and have never left the country.

There are people with children who want for nothing much in their lives.

People just need to make the choice that's right for them, without criticising and being so negative towards the opposite choice, that you have no personal experience of.

It's like a competition to see how awful childfree by choice people can show it is to have children. Ironically it all comes across as being rather childish and immature.

I addressed this earlier in the thread. Being childfree doesn’t mean you’re going to be rich. That’s not what anyone is saying. But, there are a lot of extra costs that come with kids. Lots of couples try and get savings together before they have children because they’re so expensive. Let’s say you have two women on the exact same wage, one with children, one without. When the childfree woman gets paid, she pays her rent and her bills and then the rest of the money is hers to spend on what she likes. The woman with children will have the rent and the bills, but she may also have childcare costs, extra food to buy, nappies, school supplies etc. So cost is a big factor for a lot of people.

As for holidays, obviously there’s nothing stopping you going on holiday every year without your kids (although I think that’s selfish if you never take them). But when you do go on holiday with kids, you have to take their needs into consideration, which changes things. If you love kids, I’m sure it’s a great time. For me, someone who is irritated by children and enjoys my freedom, this would be a drawback.

The OP asked childfree people for their pros and cons. Listing the pros isn’t criticising parents. Just like if you asked me the pros and cons of buying a house vs renting, I wouldn’t be shaming and criticising people who rent. I don’t need to have gone through pregnancy to know it takes a toll on your body. I don’t need to have a child to know it can be limiting to your freedom.

I don’t want a dog because the idea of having to walk it every day, even when it’s dark and rainy is a miserable thought to me. It doesn’t mean I look down on all dog owners and think their lives are shit.

The fact you can’t read about the pros of a childfree lifestyle without taking offence is immature. Even parents have agreed on this thread that children are tiring and limit what you can do.

It's like a competition to see how awful childfree by choice people can show it is to have children. Ironically it all comes across as being rather childish and immature.

This thread was started for child free people, which was then infiltrated by those with children.

Some of those with children are now guilting people, telling them they'll never know what unconditional love is, and implying they'll all be miserable pensioners with nobody to speak to, other than the carers that they don't even deserve to have because they didn't have children, and thus didn't populate society.

That's not immature, no?

You could have kids and end up mentally worse off, you'll be financially.worse off, your relationship could suffer/end, they may never visit you when you're older...etc. or, it may end up the best thing you've ever done. No one ever knows for sure how having or not having will turn out. I saw so many lonely elderly in the nursing homes I used to visit - but of both elderly who were childless AND those with children who just never visited. Who knows.

@AllMyPrettyOnes

It's like a competition to see how awful childfree by choice people can show it is to have children. Ironically it all comes across as being rather childish and immature.

This thread was started for child free people, which was then infiltrated by those with children.

Some of those with children are now guilting people, telling them they'll never know what unconditional love is, and implying they'll all be miserable pensioners with nobody to speak to, other than the carers that they don't even deserve to have because they didn't have children, and thus didn't populate society.

That's not immature, no?

That’s true, but there’s also a fair bit of ‘OMG, everything about your harassed, drool-covered, pleasure-free existences is so unappealing’.

As someone who was child free by choice until 40 — so happily childfree for far more of my adult life for far longer than I’ve been a parent — I’m perfectly well aware my life would have continued to be equally fulfilling if I’d remained child free into my 50s, and. I don’t need other people to make the same major life decisions I do to validate mine.

That’s true, but there’s also a fair bit of ‘OMG, everything about your harassed, drool-covered, pleasure-free existences is so unappealing’.

Yes, I agree there are some posts that are a bit like this, but I think it's boiling down to the stand-off that's happening on this thread now.

People just get defensive 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've just reached the age of 43 and never felt the urge to have children. It's not really been a conscious decision one way or another. I didn't meet the right man until I was well into my thirties (it wasn't for the want of trying!) If I'd met him when I was younger perhaps things would have been different. I have friends who also don't have children and we're not living desperately lonely, unfulfilled lives because of it. I have friends whose children are still little and friends with teenagers who are almost grown up. None of them have had their lives wrecked by the responsibility of parenthood!
I think, part of it for me, is that I'm a primary school teacher so spend (in normal none covid times!) every day of my working life with children and maybe don't feel the lack of having my own so much.

I think it's a deeply personal decision and nobody should be made to feel as though there's a right and a wrong answer to it.

I think it's a very valid point that someone made earlier about not taking Mumsnet threads as a view of what life with children is really like. People are obviously much more likely to post when they're having problems.

If you visit the Relationships board you would think every husband in the world is controlling, on live cam sites every minute you turn your back, and visiting escorts after work. It's not a true representation of life, as the ones having it good have no need to post.

For me personally, there are no cons, as I do not want children. The pros for me are endless, but a few examples: my time can be spent on my nieces and nephews and treat them to days out as I have more of a disposable income, I can give more time to older relations as I have more free time of an evening and weekend, I can commit to overtime and additional hours/flexible with work and put my career first should I choose to do so, holiday whenever I want during the year as I am not tied to half terms etc

I think it's a deeply personal decision and nobody should be made to feel as though there's a right and a wrong answer to it.

Absolutely spot on.

If you visit the Relationships board you would think every husband in the world is controlling, on live cam sites every minute you turn your back, and visiting escorts after work. It's not a true representation of life, as the ones having it good have no need to post.

I totally agree....and when a few posters have started threads about having a good relationship and a supportive DH, they are labelled smug and insensitive to all the women in abusive relationships.

It's sad to see that this discussion has become rather adversarial, rather than an opportunity for everybody to reflect on their lives which I think is always both healthy and interesting, no matter what road you have taken.

The nature of making any kind of decision is that is closes off some doors, some experiences, and opens up others. All may be positive or negative, depending on corcumstance or what we make of them or our personal preferences and personalities.

Humans are essentially storytelling creatures. We write our own stories and narratives to make sense of our lives and derive our own meanings from them. This is what makes us conscious and intentional, unlike other animals. But that process is very individual and shouldn't involve judgement of other people choosing differently or defensiveness when they speak about experiences that we haven't had personally. If you're happy with your life then why should it matter that someone else has had a positive experience that you have not? You should be happy for them finding meaning in their life in their own way. There are many ways to live and the value of each is quite subjective to that individual.

If you're not a huge lover of children to begin with, it's really not that different when it's your own. So I don't buy that argument. My children are my greatest source of irritation! I just set them up with paints at the kitchen table thinking I'd be able to read through this thread in peace for five minutes and they're annoying the shite out of me droning on and on and asking for more of this paint and extra paper and aghhh just be bloody quiet already!!! I'm outwardly patient and obviously I love them but god they can be annoying.

Sorry I know I'm another parent hijacking the thread but I always admire people who gave this decision such consideration and stuck to their convictions. For me having children was just something you do. I got pregnant on a whim and really should have thought about it harder! I don't know if I'd necessarily change it as they do bring me huge joy (sometimes!) but I definitely could have had a happy fulfilling life if I had remained childfree and can see the obvious benefits - I'm agog other women struggle to accept that.

From what I can see it's patronizing, sexist claptrap for the most part.