Page 19 | Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

Seaair2 · 2021-01-29T13:22:38+00:00

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Kitkat151 · 31/01/2021 19:11

@CounsellorTroi

I don't know how having a replacement at this stage is going to work. She might get voted out tonight in which case what was the point? But if she isn't voted out would that be fair on the person who does go out who has been in from the start?

😂😂😂

Aloethere · 31/01/2021 19:12

These threads are also so defensive. I don't get why people care. If childfree people want to believe they love their niece/parent/dog and feel the same sense of family and community as people who have children and grandchildren then leave them be.

If people with children want to believe they too can have holidays, saving and hire babysitter so they can have nights out for the few years the kids are small then leave them be.

Nobody can tell someone that they will love being a parent or love being childfree, we are all different at the end of the day no one knows you as you do. Have a bit of confidence in yourself and trust that you know best when it comes to such a life changing decision.

Dreamylemon · 31/01/2021 19:13

I work with a few people who are in their 50s/60s and are childfree. Looking in from the outside

Pros
Independence - they can put themselves first with jobs, holidays, hobbies, relationships
Money - most have paid off their mortgage and have been able to find a better work/life balance- e.g. take jobs thst are less stressful or part time
Their social lives are enviable!
They have been able to support their elderly parents easier

Comparing them to those of a similar age who are parents I know whose life looks better. I'm comparing with parents who had children later ( late 30s/ 40s). I don't know how it changes for those who had children earlier. I'm sure grandparent duties kick in!

Those who are parents are often still supporting teenagers, young adults, many of whom are struggling with poor mental health it seems. It doesn't look much fun.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/01/2021 19:14

I never wanted children, OP then at 39 found myself unexpectedly pregnant. I honestly felt like my word had ended.

I chose to continue with the pregnancy and DD is now 7. My life has changed immeasurably since having her (strangely brought me much closer with my own siblings and their families) but as much as I adore her, had I not got accidentally pregnant my life would have been just as rewarding and fun. In fact I’d have more freedom and not be tied to my current job (long story).

In a nutshell; stay child free and continue to build a lovely life. There’s no guarantees with anything so all we can do is follow what feels right for you.

Dreamylemon · 31/01/2021 19:16

Oh and I would say I work with children, find them cute, always knew I wanted children, yet still find my own children really irritating and feel smothered by motherhood at times. For anyone waxing lyrical about it being different with your own children.

CounsellorTroi · 31/01/2021 19:21

As I said upthread I wanted children but was not able to have them. When my DB became a dad, in his late 40s, it was a real eye opener seeing how tired they were all the time. Although I really love being an auntie I found a new appreciation for my own life and quiet home!

littlejalapeno · 31/01/2021 19:22

I guess it depends if you think the best version of life is individual Liberty or the risk and reward of being a parent. In all things there are no guarantees.

eaglejulesk · 31/01/2021 19:31

Yes I think I was hoping to hear more from childfree women in their 50s/60s to hear if they felt they’d made the right choices

I'm 61 and feel I made the right choice. I never really wanted children, nothing against them I just didn't feel motherhood was for me. As my DH and I separated after 12 years I'm pleased I made that choice (he didn't want children either btw). I'm an only child, so no children in my life at all. One thing I never experienced was any pressure from anyone to have children - even from my DF who loves kids.

Dumbo18 · 31/01/2021 19:46

Reading all these comments I’ve noticed a pattern... the people who decided not to have children are coming across very smug and I just don’t know why. Yes having kids is hard but I don’t believe all the ‘I can’t think of one con whatsoever not having children’ there are pros and cons to everything. I have a child and still go on lovely holidays and meet up with friends. Life doesn’t stop because you have children

NuniaBeeswax · 31/01/2021 19:48

"having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good"
😂

sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 19:56

having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good

Such selflessness!
Such heroism!
Such altruism!
Such bollocks.

KathleenTurnerOverdrive · 31/01/2021 19:56

Reading all these comments I’ve noticed a pattern... the people who decided not to have children are coming across very smug and I just don’t know why.

Possibly those of us without children are put on the spot, questioned about our decision, made to feel second rate or somehow unnatural (in real-life, not on the thread) I've experienced all of this as a man, but it is a fraction of the grilling childless women get. I am not surprised people are prickly.

On occasion I've made flippant or blunt statements to shut down a discussion I don'twant to have. Comments along the lines of I have no desire to replicate my shit genes or I don't want to spend the next 18 years as a walking cash machine, don't reflect my thinking on the issue, ask said upthread my feelings about not having children are mixed and not without sadness. I wouldn't admit that to people in real-life, especially with the breeding evangelists, who will take that as a sign that 'i want them really' and 'i am missing out.'

Meowchickameowmeow · 31/01/2021 19:59

having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good

In unison 'the greater good'!
That's the wankiest thing I've ever heard.

reprehensibleme · 31/01/2021 20:04

Dumbo18 we're not defensive, just sick to death of having to justify a decision which impacts no-one. And as you can see from this thread, people (usually women) seem to delight in telling us why we're wrong. I gave up trying to explain in rl my decisions. I would not dream of interrogating anyone as to why they have children - it's none of my business.

leftovercoffeecake · 31/01/2021 20:04

@Dumbo18

Reading all these comments I’ve noticed a pattern... the people who decided not to have children are coming across very smug and I just don’t know why. Yes having kids is hard but I don’t believe all the ‘I can’t think of one con whatsoever not having children’ there are pros and cons to everything. I have a child and still go on lovely holidays and meet up with friends. Life doesn’t stop because you have children

For me, there literally are no cons. I'm not going to lie and make some up for the sake of it. Many of the pros of having children don't seem like pros to me, but they obviously are to the people who want to have kids. We don't all think the same.

When it comes to holidays, no one here is desperate for a child but has decided not to have kids solely because they enjoy their yearly all-inclusive trip. No one is saying you can't have lovely holidays if you have kids. But for me, the fact a child is joining me on the holiday would be enough to ruin it!

Imapotato · 31/01/2021 20:05

I have children and I’m only in my 30s, so my opinion is fairly irrelevant. How we I would like to offer my outsider observations from working in home care for many years.

The main thing noted from child free much older people is that if you don’t want to be lonely in your old age it’s important to build really good friendship, or relationships with your wider family. Ideally with people younger than you. I have seen very well supported, looked after and much loved child free older people. On the flip side I’ve met those who are incredibly lonely, with no one they can really rely on, it’s not a good place to be in in your later years. I know you could say not all children will bother, but in reality most do, out of a sense of obligation if nothing else. It’s always very sad when someone’s next of kin is the solicitors, as they have no one else to look out for them.

There are positives though, better bladder control is one not to be ignored! Also, and this is only from my anecdotal experience, I have done no research, child free older people often seem to be healthier for longer. Maybe it’s the years of unbroken sleep, or not having to stress about your kids welfare, but older of the very elderly, but healthy people I have met have been child free.

Obviously I’m taking about people 80+ here. I’m sure there are lots of advantages and disadvantages no matter your age. You just have to do what feels right to you.

Sunsun21 · 31/01/2021 20:11

I’m sorry but having children isn’t setting yourself up for old age care!

Who knows if your children will want that role ? Perhaps like me your children might have additional needs and it might be you caring for them into adulthood.
This is definitely no reason to have children.

poppyzbrite4 · 31/01/2021 20:15

I have children and I’m only in my 30s, so my opinion is fairly irrelevant.

However, I will blather on about it anyway.

Reading all these comments I’ve noticed a pattern... the people who decided not to have children are coming across very smug and I just don’t know why.

I feel quite smug about it and no, I don't see any cons. Stop telling people what they think. People are allowed to have thoughts and feelings different to yours.

Imapotato · 31/01/2021 20:17

@Sunsun21

I’m sorry but having children isn’t setting yourself up for old age care!

Who knows if your children will want that role ? Perhaps like me your children might have additional needs and it might be you caring for them into adulthood.
This is definitely no reason to have children.

Of course it’s not just about old age care! I didn’t say that. It’s more about knowing there’s someone out there, not that many children are willing physically care for their parents, but most care enough to be there in an emergency, or to be on the end of the phone if needed.

As I said, lots of people who don’t have kids still have that support from friends or the wider family, but I think it’s something to perhaps need to be more conscious of if you don’t have your own children. It’s not something you’d really think of when you’re younger if you haven’t seen it first hand. I was just giving another perspective.

Imapotato · 31/01/2021 20:20

@poppyzbrite4

I have children and I’m only in my 30s, so my opinion is fairly irrelevant.

However, I will blather on about it anyway.

Reading all these comments I’ve noticed a pattern... the people who decided not to have children are coming across very smug and I just don’t know why.

I feel quite smug about it and no, I don't see any cons. Stop telling people what they think. People are allowed to have thoughts and feelings different to yours.

Hey, now I wasn’t rude to you. I have some first hand experience which I thought I’d share. Sorry if offended you in some way.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s choices, it’s no skin off my nose whether you choose to have kids or not. But I do know many very elderly people both with and without kids and thought I’d share my observations, as it’s not a perspective loads of people on here would have.

poppyzbrite4 · 31/01/2021 20:30

@Imapotato I apologise if I offended you.

Goldence · 31/01/2021 20:36

My sister suffered when her two sons left home. They both went to university and never came back. They don't make an effort with her. If she didn't call them, I don't think she'd hear from them for years.
She split from her husband because he never pulled his weight with the kids. When she needs someone she can depend on, she calls me.

Having children doesn't guarantee anything and it won't make you immune from loneliness.

Ginfordinner · 31/01/2021 20:44

@Goldence

My sister suffered when her two sons left home. They both went to university and never came back. They don't make an effort with her. If she didn't call them, I don't think she'd hear from them for years. She split from her husband because he never pulled his weight with the kids. When she needs someone she can depend on, she calls me.

Having children doesn't guarantee anything and it won't make you immune from loneliness.

There is a Facebook page for parents of students and students. In summer it is full of mothers who sob all summer at the idea of their grown up child leaving home to go to university.

DD is a student in her second year. I was so happy for her to start her next stage in life. I don't understand clingy parents. They just drive their children away. I don't expect DD to come back and live here after she graduates as there aren't many job opportunities where we live.

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2021 20:46

Dumbo18

Reading all these comments I’ve noticed a pattern... the people who decided not to have children are coming across very smug and I just don’t know why. Yes having kids is hard but I don’t believe all the ‘I can’t think of one con whatsoever not having children’ there are pros and cons to everything. I have a child and still go on lovely holidays and meet up with friends. Life doesn’t stop because you have children

If you have children..and you say there are no cons to having them in your life..I will believe you. I have no reason not to. You would know best in that situation quite rightly.

Surely you can see its the very same for people with no kids?!
You dont know a strangers life and feelings..amd be able to tell them they're lying..just because you have a child,that's a very big stretch.

I dont convince myself that people with kids have a horrible life. Not unless they tell me so anyway.

Imapotato · 31/01/2021 21:00

@Goldence

My sister suffered when her two sons left home. They both went to university and never came back. They don't make an effort with her. If she didn't call them, I don't think she'd hear from them for years. She split from her husband because he never pulled his weight with the kids. When she needs someone she can depend on, she calls me.

Having children doesn't guarantee anything and it won't make you immune from loneliness.

This is not really what I meant. Most people don’t expect their adult children to be in their pockets. I want mine to be off enjoying their lives!

There is though a big difference between an independent woman who’s adult sons don’t call often as they are living their lives and an elderly person with no next of kin.

Not many people have kids with the idea that they will look after them in their old age, tagt wasn’t my point. There are also lots of child free elderly people who aren’t lonely. But I think you need to make a bit more of an effort to keep up relationships if you don’t have kids. That’s all. I’m not saying it’s a bad choice not to have them!