Page 18 | Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2021 17:29

But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree?

Yea she was asking the childfree people for pros and cons. Not parents. I reckon shes heard their opinions on it enough in life...as many of us have.

Sometimes I felt like it was cult...people desperately trying to get me to join.
''Have a baby...you wont know real love. Have a baby so you wont be lonely or die alone. Have a baby to fulfill your life. Have a baby as it's what you were born for...Yeah..no thanks

4redSocks · 31/01/2021 17:31

@ChaToilLeam

If you don’t particularly enjoy being around children (and I don’t) then it would be crazy to have them. They say it is different when it is your own; well, there are enough posts on Mumsnet from people who have had awful childhoods to prove that wrong. I never wanted them, and we are not short of people on this planet, so was always clear that I wasn’t having any. The cons are many, and the pros (apart from hopefully having some company and care in your old age) are only pros if you welcome them. What you hear about about unconditional love, snuggling with newborns, becoming a “better person” - I can understand that this has great meaning to those who have experienced this with their children, but it doesn’t move me at all. Many of my friends have children now and I’ve seen both their joy and their struggles. It’s not for me.

If you don’t want children that’s fine. You see struggles like any relationship weather that be partner or child it’s not always plain sailing. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

Cameleongirl · 31/01/2021 17:34

People with children can have friends and relatives who are child free though, we’re not a different species! I responded because I’m close to some child free people in their 50’s and know what’s going on in their lives, what they’re happy about/upset about, etc.

They probably look at my life and observe things too.

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2021 17:37

It's not worth is for her,me and most of the childfree people on here. I know it maybe hurts or stings to hear that we enjoy a life without kids. But its true. We really dont need to be told over and over again about special love and never being lonely just put all that extra attention on your children and leave the childfree people here to relax with our drinks and talk about our lives

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2021 17:39

Just like the op asked.

CounsellorTroi · 31/01/2021 17:44

I thought the OP was asking older childfree women how they felt about being childfree at their stage in life. That didn't stop people with children barging in.

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2021 17:47

CounsellorTroi They cant help themselves every childfree thread.
I wonder what it is that makes some parents feel the need to so desperately try to make childfree people see life from their point of view... I've never in my life thought about doing that to anyone..about anything.

Kitkat151 · 31/01/2021 18:13

@reprehensibleme

I am starting to get a titchy bit annoyed with this thread now. The OP asked older childfree people what their lives are like. Pretty much all the childfree respondents have said their life is great, they love being childfree, love their lives etc etc. Then people with children come along and tell us how wrong we are, how lonely we will be, how narrow and meaningless out lives are, how we will never know real love and joy. TBH it boils my piss. It shouldn't matter to anyone if I have children or not. I can think of several people I know who definitely shouldn't have had children, but I wouldn't dream of telling them that.

I don't really like children - I find them boring, noisy, annoying. I don't think toddlers are cute. I'm sure if DH and I had ever found ourselves parents, we would have loved our children and tried to do our best for them, but we chose not to go down that route because we simply didn't want to, and luckily for us, we had the choice not to.

Having children doesn't stop at loving your own - you then have to have contact with (horrors) other people's children - it's often said on these boards that people love their own children but don't like other people's children. I don't want to go to mother and baby groups, toddler groups, softplay, hang around at sports clubs, ballet and music lessons, go to parent's evening, school plays etc. I don't want the angst of the teenage years of having grown children living at home because they can't afford to buy a house. Childhood seems to have changed beyond recognition since I was a child - children are hothoused, entertained etc etc, and I don't want any part of it. And that's totally allowed.

I have a beloved sister who has two lovely sons (now adults). PND nearly finished her off, her asshole husband swanned around doing exactly what he wanted to do when she was stuck at home with 2 tiny children - he eventually swanned right off with a much younger woman.

I have a very lovely SIL who virtually brought her daughter up by herself until DD was 10 because her husband 'worked late' - he never worked long hours until their daughter was born, but then divested himself of all responsibility for his daughter because he was 'working late'. DSIL has no respect for her husband - I reckon she's only waiting until DD is finished university and then she'll leave hime.

I have 2 very close friends who have children with severe disabilities - their children will never be able to live independently. I have seen my friends broken by having to advocate for their children, terrified about what will happen to their children when they are no longer around to advocate for them, protect them.

I have BIL and their wives who see their grown children 2 or 3 times a year for a couple of days each time - they have good relationships with their children but just live a long way away, so they don't really know their grandchildren.

I also have several good friends who have children who have a great close and loving relationship with their children, but none of them have come through parenthood unscathed - some think it was totally worth it, others are not so sure.

I have family I'm close to, many good friends (some who also don't have children), many and varied interests, a smashing husband, a good job etc - I really don't think I'm missing out on anything.

Good for you

Original poster

Seaair2 · 31/01/2021 18:13

Yes I think I was hoping to hear more from childfree women in their 50s/60s to hear if they felt they’d made the right choices rather than hearing from women with children saying basically there is no choice but to have children! I completely understand how being a mother is such a big and no doubt amazing thing but there are other options for women too. Thank you to everyone for their replies though.

OP posts:

Tigger001 · 31/01/2021 18:14

I wonder what it is that makes some parents feel the need to so desperately try to make childfree people see life from their point of view

I think some people in life simply can't see another's point of view and are so naive as to think their way is the only way and best for everyone, believe me, on this forum, sadly its not exclusive to parenthood.

Others can give an opinion though even if they are not the one in that position, that's the beauty of an open forum the OP can disregard any views she feels are irrelevant.

Yohoheaveho · 31/01/2021 18:26

but none of them have come through parenthood unscathed
I doubt anyone does, having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good
but it's not the only way to be a good pro-social member of society, we should all try to play to our strengths...imo

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2021 18:35

I think some people in life simply can't see another's point of view and are so naive as to think their way is the only way and best for everyone, believe me, on this forum, sadly its not exclusive to parenthood
Yes I think you summed that up perfectly.

Others can give an opinion though even if they are not the one in that position, that's the beauty of an open forum the OP can disregard any views she feels are irrelevant

I do also agree with this.

It's just feels like its always being pushed on childfree people, wherever you go, so I guess it's just a tab bit annoying to see people weighing in here when it was the opposite lifestyle to theirs the op was interested in.

I certainly wouldn't start commenting about the benefits of a childfree life and how kids can ruin your life and relationship...on a thread where let's say, the op is wanting to have children and asking mothers what it's like
I would be met wit lots of I would be of no use to the op and just trying to steer the topic.

sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 18:35

i wonder what it is that makes some parents feel the need to so desperately try to make childfree people see life from their point of view

It’s a most peculiar mix of arrogance, ignorance and small-mindedness, made all the more peculiar these days with all the access to information and people from different backgrounds, with different lifestyles etc. But still, some people can’t understand that not everyone in the world wants the same things from life as they do. Personally, I’d be embarrassed to display such ignorance, but hey, others clearly aren’t.

ChaToilLeam · 31/01/2021 18:36

@4redSocks It’s not worth it if you don’t want it, and never have. I would have thought that was perfectly obvious.

lockedownloretta · 31/01/2021 18:38

perhaps this forum would be more helpful to you?

www.thechildfreelife.net/forum/viewforum.php?f=2

sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 18:41

In relation to the ‘unconditional love, I’d die for them’ argument, it doesn’t ring true for me. Firstly, were that the case there wouldn’t be neglected and abused kids, kids who never see a parent, parents who walk away and don’t financially support their kids etc. But also, a number of years ago I was with a loved one of mine when someone was about to physically attack them. Instinctively, I dived (dove?) in front of them and took the impact from the knife. She bears some psychological scars, I bear both physical and psychological ones. I can’t say I rationally thought it through, it was just my instinct. That to me is a reflection of the fact that I love this person unconditionally. I literally risked my life for her. She’s not my child, or my partner, but someone hugely important in my life. So I don’t agree at all that unconditional love is a) guaranteed and b) only experienced by parents for their children.

CounsellorTroi · 31/01/2021 18:43

I don't know how having a replacement at this stage is going to work. She might get voted out tonight in which case what was the point? But if she isn't voted out would that be fair on the person who does go out who has been in from the start?

CounsellorTroi · 31/01/2021 18:45

Sorry wrong thread!

username44416 · 31/01/2021 18:47

@Yohoheaveho

but none of them have come through parenthood unscathed I doubt anyone does, having children is a sacrifice that we make for the greater good but it's not the only way to be a good pro-social member of society, we should all try to play to our strengths...imo

What on earth are you talking about?

People have children for all sorts of reasons, most of them thoroughly selfish. If they had children for the greater good, they wouldn't have more than or or two at the most because the planet is fucked with too many people.

MirandaMarple · 31/01/2021 18:50

I am 40, DH 53. We met 16 years ago. Early on we decided or we evolved to not have children.

My friends have children, my twin sister has a son - who we dote on. However, there has never been a time that I have thought 'I want what they have'

We have a very fulfilling life, and I'm not referring to anything material. We are very happily married, we have two beautiful dogs, we are lucky to enjoy lots of travel (well, not now!) we have lots in common and plenty not.

I've tried for years to articulate how we came to the choice that we wouldn't have children. It wasn't a 'we are never having children' declaration. We became who we were together, and are happy with how we turned out.

Yohoheaveho · 31/01/2021 18:50

What on earth are you talking about?
defensive or what!

username44416 · 31/01/2021 18:52

@Yohoheaveho

What on earth are you talking about? defensive or what!

You're babbling nonsense about people having children for the greater good and being a 'pro social member of society' Word salad.

reprehensibleme · 31/01/2021 18:53

Kitkat151 you keep coming back to this thread even though you don't have the experience the op is after, and basically implying the child free posters don't know what they're talking about. Bit rude - as was your comment on my post above.

springwedding · 31/01/2021 19:05

I'm a step parent so I tend to feel like I have best of both worlds.

I get to see my partner being an amazing parent and the love/ closeness he has with his dc. I enjoy our time with his child so much and I take very seriously the responsibilities that comes with being heavily involved in their life. I love playing with them/ giving them good experiences/ being kind and generous to them. I love seeing them learning new skills and coming out with new and funny sayings/ ideas/ thoughts. I love how good our relationship is and how much they feel happy and safe with me.

BUT I'm secretly relieved when they leave to go spend time with their mum. I like getting my house back to "normal". I like the quiet. I like being able to lie in my bed watching the news and drinking coffee until 8/9am on a Saturday morning. I don't miss the constant questions and mess and ooooh the tantrums

QueenoftheAir · 31/01/2021 19:10

Yes I think I was hoping to hear more from childfree women in their 50s/60s to hear if they felt they’d made the right choices

I'm in this position OP but given some of the smug ignorance exhibited in this thread by those who've reproduced (it's not really a particularly amazing thing in the scale of the world) I'm not sure I want to reveal what the joys & difficulties are on this thread.

Some of the posts on this thread demonstrate why women can still feel extremely ambivalent about childfree/childless status. I went through some very difficult times in my 40s because of the general social pressure. The statements such as I read upthread: "You don't know unconditional love until you have a child." or "I care more about the starving children in Africa now I'm a mother." And so on ...

So, thinking more generally: you have to have a fairly tough mental outlook I think to deal with all this stuff. The things that people don't say to you, or the half-asked questions.

There are very few positive stories in our culture of women who didn't have children, living as fully human in your 50s & 60s. But I'm here to tell you - it's fine!

I have a very loving family - I holiday with various nieces & nephews as adults (without my siblings, their parents often). Unlike the PP upthread, I am part of a family unit, for example!

The main thing that makes it difficult are the kinds of smug or patronising or hostile views expressed by some posters on this thread.

And if you're single, you'll also hit the huge discrimination against single women in matters financial etc. So you have to plan for that.