Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

If you don’t particularly enjoy being around children (and I don’t) then it would be crazy to have them. They say it is different when it is your own; well, there are enough posts on Mumsnet from people who have had awful childhoods to prove that wrong. I never wanted them, and we are not short of people on this planet, so was always clear that I wasn’t having any. The cons are many, and the pros (apart from hopefully having some company and care in your old age) are only pros if you welcome them. What you hear about about unconditional love, snuggling with newborns, becoming a “better person” - I can understand that this has great meaning to those who have experienced this with their children, but it doesn’t move me at all. Many of my friends have children now and I’ve seen both their joy and their struggles. It’s not for me.

They say it is different when it is your own

They do definitely say that! But if you don't enjoy spending time with children and find them irritating and annoying and frustrating accomodating them in everyday plans them it's likely you'll feel similar regardless of their provenance and that's something I don't think is truly acknowledged.

Having children is not about being cared for when older, for me it's being part of a family unit and feeling the love that comes with that

So you think people who don't have children are not part of a family unit?

That's quite a narrow-minded view.

@QueenoftheAir

Having children is not about being cared for when older, for me it's being part of a family unit and feeling the love that comes with that

So you think people who don't have children are not part of a family unit?

That's quite a narrow-minded view.

Well, you won't live in a family unit in your household- presumably it'll just be you and your partner and possibly pets.

Sure you can still have family, but you know.

Also I think the fear for many people is when our parents die, friends may be occupied with their own families or drift apart. Some people do have other Close family ties besides children but I agree with whoever else said there are others who do end up by themselves after partner dies and you do feel a bit sorry for them

@SpotnDot

You can retire 15 years earlier and be £1m richer. But you'll have a long, empty 40 odd years to fill with the hobbies, travel and luxuries you can still do with children and would appreciate so much more when they're grown up.

Children makes family. Family is everything.

PROS

You'll be far less likely to have to hang out with people who say shit like this, as they'll be too busy with their children

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children.

Oh, don't feel sorry for us! We love not having kids

Whenever these threads happen - it always boils down to the same thing.

By far the biggest argument for having children is some variation of "you'll never feel love like it" - ie. It'll make you feel really good?

You know what else makes you feel good? Cocaine.
Yeah it's expensive, it ruins your body, makes you obsessive, interrupts your sleep, distances you from the friends who don't take cocaine, it makes you irritable, frequently irrational, it changes your perception on everything, it rewires your priorities... but hey, you won't feel love like it.

Why don't I take cocaine? Because the extremely long list of negatives outway the chance that I'll experience an emotion/love/high that is incomparable.
It does help that it's less socially acceptable than having children.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Negatives - the guilt at having other peoples children care for you either in a care home, at home. Guilt if you need the nhs, police or any public service. If everyone remained child free by choice there would be nobody to do those things. The guilt you will feel that other people’s children are supporting the economy and providing you with a state pension ( any money you paid in was not ring fenced but spent years previously) Loneliness and regret especially if your parent dies. Obviously those who were unable to have children would have no need to feel guilty as it was not their choice. Positives you can be selfish with everything time , money etc. Not really something to aspire to.

No guilt here!!

You sound so bitter. Hopefully your kids aren't like you.

You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky)

This way of thinking always bothers me. I did not have children to look after me in my golden years. They're supposed to have their own lives and careers and families, not cater to me.

To be honest, given the choice again, I would have chosen not to have them. I love them and will always put them first but The amount of energy and mental head space they take up is relentless. They cost a fortune, they can be incredibly hard work at times and even when grown up, they cause you endless worry.

For me after being a community Carer it would be the loneliness. I had a few clients who had no children, their spouse had passed years before and they were basically sat very lonely waiting to die and it was so sad for them. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me. The clients with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren tended to have far batter mental health and sense of belonging and purpose.

@ShutUpAlex

For me after being a community Carer it would be the loneliness. I had a few clients who had no children, their spouse had passed years before and they were basically sat very lonely waiting to die and it was so sad for them. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me. The clients with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren tended to have far batter mental health and sense of belonging and purpose.

This is what swung it for me in the end, to have children. Even though I'm not expecting my DD (and hopefully her sibling if we have another) to take care of me, there's the extended network that children give. Friends made along the parenting journey, their circles as they grow up... Life would just feel very "small" without it.

@TennisBunny

Whenever these threads happen - it always boils down to the same thing.

By far the biggest argument for having children is some variation of "you'll never feel love like it" - ie. It'll make you feel really good?

You know what else makes you feel good? Cocaine.
Yeah it's expensive, it ruins your body, makes you obsessive, interrupts your sleep, distances you from the friends who don't take cocaine, it makes you irritable, frequently irrational, it changes your perception on everything, it rewires your priorities... but hey, you won't feel love like it.

Why don't I take cocaine? Because the extremely long list of negatives outway the chance that I'll experience an emotion/love/high that is incomparable.
It does help that it's less socially acceptable than having children.

I'm sorry, but that is an idiotic comparison!

@QueenoftheAir

Having children is not about being cared for when older, for me it's being part of a family unit and feeling the love that comes with that

So you think people who don't have children are not part of a family unit?

That's quite a narrow-minded view.

I think it often boils down to how much being part of a family unit means to you, because the “unit” will change and possibly fragment when your parents pass away./siblings have their own children.

I have children, but have friends and family and family in their 50’s who’ve decided not to. Most are completely happy with their choice and they’re the ones for whom being part of a family isn’t a big priority. One couple who seem less happy seem to find it hard accepting that the family dynamics have changed now their parents are elderly/passed away and they’re on the periphery of their siblings’ families, IYSWIM. I think they thought they’d always be the adored auntie/uncle (without the hassle of actually raising the children 😂), but they’re not.

But that’s only one couple out of several who perhaps made the wrong choice for them.

‘Well, you won't live in a family unit in your household- presumably it'll just be you and your partner and possibly pets.

Sure you can still have family, but you know.

Also I think the fear for many people is when our parents die, friends may be occupied with their own families or drift apart. Some people do have other Close family ties besides children but I agree with whoever else said there are others who do end up by themselves after partner dies and you do feel a bit sorry for them‘

This doesn’t make any sense - unless your children are willing to have you come live with them when you’re older, when your partner dies it will still just be you and your pets.

I'm sorry, but that is an idiotic comparison!

How so @Sheleg?

Families are spread so far apart now because of work that if you rely on your kids for company in old age you're still likely to find yourself quite lonely day to day.

I have children because I wanted them, but I see absolutely no cons in choosing not to have any. I would make good use of the time, money and freedom. Some posters acting like being childless is a subpar existence is ridiculous.

I am starting to get a titchy bit annoyed with this thread now. The OP asked older childfree people what their lives are like. Pretty much all the childfree respondents have said their life is great, they love being childfree, love their lives etc etc. Then people with children come along and tell us how wrong we are, how lonely we will be, how narrow and meaningless out lives are, how we will never know real love and joy. TBH it boils my piss. It shouldn't matter to anyone if I have children or not. I can think of several people I know who definitely shouldn't have had children, but I wouldn't dream of telling them that.

I don't really like children - I find them boring, noisy, annoying. I don't think toddlers are cute. I'm sure if DH and I had ever found ourselves parents, we would have loved our children and tried to do our best for them, but we chose not to go down that route because we simply didn't want to, and luckily for us, we had the choice not to.

Having children doesn't stop at loving your own - you then have to have contact with (horrors) other people's children - it's often said on these boards that people love their own children but don't like other people's children. I don't want to go to mother and baby groups, toddler groups, softplay, hang around at sports clubs, ballet and music lessons, go to parent's evening, school plays etc. I don't want the angst of the teenage years of having grown children living at home because they can't afford to buy a house. Childhood seems to have changed beyond recognition since I was a child - children are hothoused, entertained etc etc, and I don't want any part of it. And that's totally allowed.

I have a beloved sister who has two lovely sons (now adults). PND nearly finished her off, her asshole husband swanned around doing exactly what he wanted to do when she was stuck at home with 2 tiny children - he eventually swanned right off with a much younger woman.

I have a very lovely SIL who virtually brought her daughter up by herself until DD was 10 because her husband 'worked late' - he never worked long hours until their daughter was born, but then divested himself of all responsibility for his daughter because he was 'working late'. DSIL has no respect for her husband - I reckon she's only waiting until DD is finished university and then she'll leave hime.

I have 2 very close friends who have children with severe disabilities - their children will never be able to live independently. I have seen my friends broken by having to advocate for their children, terrified about what will happen to their children when they are no longer around to advocate for them, protect them.

I have BIL and their wives who see their grown children 2 or 3 times a year for a couple of days each time - they have good relationships with their children but just live a long way away, so they don't really know their grandchildren.

I also have several good friends who have children who have a great close and loving relationship with their children, but none of them have come through parenthood unscathed - some think it was totally worth it, others are not so sure.

I have family I'm close to, many good friends (some who also don't have children), many and varied interests, a smashing husband, a good job etc - I really don't think I'm missing out on anything.

I don’t think most parents expect day-to-day company from their adult children, I certainly don’t! Just keeping in touch and knowing they’re out there living their best lives is what most parents want ( with some exceptions that we hear about on MN, of course). The emotional “unit” can still be there even if you’re far away.

You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky)

I hate this, Who actually wants this for their children, being carers. No I dont want my son to ever reel like he needs to look after us, we should ensure we have that taken care of ourselves. I want him doing what ever makes him happy, not looking after me.

Sorry ok so @Seaair2 my brother knew he didn't want kids or marriage, he has been upfront with his partner from the beginning.

They live their lives exactly how they want, they Holiday lots, they go off on breaks at the drop of a hat, have duvet days as and when they choose to.
They have chosen to do what is right for them.

My cons would be, they will never experience the happiness and unconditional love from being a parent. But that's only MY con as that's how I feel, not everyone has that experience of parenting.
I don't think our person could give another cons or pros on it, as no one experience of either situation would be the same.

This thread is mental. Certain posters with kids clamouring to say how child free people can't possibly ever be fulfilled or happy.
How bizarre. Maybe you can't be happy without breeding but that's just you. Stop projecting your frankly weird issues onto other people.

Also please spare a thought for women who wanted nothing more than to have a baby but weren't able to. How do you think that you bleating about how life isn't complete without a child makes them feel?

Absolutely astonished at how pig headed some people can be.

@MrDarcysMa

This thread is mental. Certain posters with kids clamouring to say how child free people can't possibly ever be fulfilled or happy. How bizarre. Maybe you can't be happy without breeding but that's just you. Stop projecting your frankly weird issues onto other people.

Also please spare a thought for women who wanted nothing more than to have a baby but weren't able to. How do you think that you bleating about how life isn't complete without a child makes them feel?

Absolutely astonished at how pig headed some people can be.

Well since op is asking for honest answers, and trying to make a pretty big decision, posters are trying to, as requested, impress up on her the cons of deciding to remain child free.

@AllMyPrettyOnes You sound so bitter. Hopefully your kids aren't like you. no not bitter at all - I have children.

But most of the cons are coming from people with children who don't know what it's like being child free long term and as you get older.