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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 30/01/2021 20:01

@Notquitenorthern

The deep, unparralleled, mama bear love always comes up as a pro on these threads. I have no problem believing that Parent to Child love is unlike any other kind of love, that is basic biology (but your children dont reciprocate beyond a few brief dependent years!). But I really struggle to see how this is a pro! The intensity of that connection looks utterly anxiety inducing to me.

I know my own DM does not see me as more than an extension of herself, the intensity of love is suffocating. I know I cause her immense worry and sometime hurt just by living my life as I choose. I see this play out amongst my own friends now, their connection with their children is all consuming, they are never free of worry, every negative news story is inflated, the weight of responsibility is all consuming. They also load their children with expectations, their own happiness is utterly dependent on another being. I could not imagine handing away my emotional autonomy like that, it sounds terrifying.

Sounds like you have very odd friends 🤔
mrsmangal · 30/01/2021 20:06

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children. It’s impossible to explain to you if you can’t see it.

Ginfordinner · 30/01/2021 20:08

@mrsmangal

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children. It’s impossible to explain to you if you can’t see it.
How patronising
OFAHmusical · 30/01/2021 20:10

@mrsmangal

I feel so sorry for people who can’t understand the point of view of others. What a narrow way to live your life.

rawalpindithelabrador · 30/01/2021 20:13

@starsparkle08

I’ve got a disabled son aged 9 . He has autism adhd learning difficulties and challenging behaviours . Life hasn’t turned out as I had expected but I love him of course ( though I don’t like his behaviours ) It’s very sad as I now wish in the future he dies before me which sounds so awful . But I know he will always need me and he won’t be able to live independently so I will always want to be his advocate . You never know when you have children what the future holds . I assumed as I didn’t smoke or drink whilst pregnant and took my vitamins I was guaranteed a ‘normal’ baby . Life is hard for the both of us and is greatly upsetting on a daily basis . My heart breaks for my son it really does . I would wave a magic wand for him in a heartbeat
This. If you don't want kids, do NOT have them. Go with your gut. I have a great many friends who are childfree by choice and now in their 50s and none of them regrets it.
2littleguineas · 30/01/2021 20:14

Regardless of the commitment, work and money having children is a relationship like none other. They've given me a lot of joy, of course it's not always easy and you worry more than you could ever imagine but you love more than you could ever imagine too.

I can also see that those who don't want/can't have children can live very fulfilled happy lives too.
I think the key is whatever you decide not to look back with regrets. Remember the happy times whether that's snuggling up in bed with lots of extra bodies enjoying the hugs or on your own enjoying the space and having lots of the quilt to cover you!

rawalpindithelabrador · 30/01/2021 20:21

@mrsmangal

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children. It’s impossible to explain to you if you can’t see it.
How wrong and patronising.
SecretSpAD · 30/01/2021 20:26

@MagentaDoesNotExist I read it back and realised that I was assuming people on here were psychic! But thank you.

CounsellorTroi · 30/01/2021 20:41

@mrsmangal

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children. It’s impossible to explain to you if you can’t see it.
I feel so sorry for people who don't have the imagination to see that other people might be happy making choices they themselves wouldn't make.
KathleenTurnerOverdrive · 30/01/2021 21:00

Having a child to look after you in you old age is perhaps the worst reason to consider a child. Two members of my family have sons with autism. Both are non verbal and can be violent and physically attack their parents, neither of them can live independently. The parents are beset with worry about what happens to their adult children when they die and who will care for them. I worry that as the parents get older and more frail (they aren't at that stage yet) that the children could inflict serious damage on them.

Like a lot of people on here I guess they assumed they'd have healthy, NT children and a future in which they got their independence back in their 50s and whatnot.

It hasn't panned out like that, they'll be the carers til they die.

Mildredandmaud · 30/01/2021 21:24

Childfree at 35

Pros- loads! In summary: freedom, money, sleep, travel, fun!

Cons- feeling isolated when all your rriends have something in common ( the kids) and grow closer and see each other on kidsplaydates, and you end up feeling like an outsider.

Also friends have too many commitments / too little time and money and energy to go out and do things with you, go on holiday or socialise.

Maybe this is better when living in a city, but living rurally as I do, it can be isolating and rather sad, like the people in my life are all drifting away from me. There just aren’t many childfree people in their 30s where I live.

I still prefer this life to having children though.

I expect my social life will take off again when my kids’ friends are grown and half of them are divorced.

It’s just a while to wait. Hey ho.

WatchWatch · 30/01/2021 21:27

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children. It’s impossible to explain to you if you can’t see it.

I've genuinely no idea what you are on about.

Kitkat151 · 30/01/2021 21:34

@KathleenTurnerOverdrive

Having a child to look after you in you old age is perhaps the worst reason to consider a child. Two members of my family have sons with autism. Both are non verbal and can be violent and physically attack their parents, neither of them can live independently. The parents are beset with worry about what happens to their adult children when they die and who will care for them. I worry that as the parents get older and more frail (they aren't at that stage yet) that the children could inflict serious damage on them.

Like a lot of people on here I guess they assumed they'd have healthy, NT children and a future in which they got their independence back in their 50s and whatnot.

It hasn't panned out like that, they'll be the carers til they die.

An estimated 1 in 160 children has an ASD ...... most people would take that risk. Life often doesn’t pan out for childless people either ..... they may end up caring for their partners for years and years..... or caring for their own parents. I don’t think anyone has said they have considered having a child to care for them in their old age ......some people have said it can be an advantage ..... anyway you don’t have to be old to care for your parents ..... my 3 adult children look out for me all the time ( I’m 55) they do it because they want to not because I ask them to ..... I’m sure Most childless people have family that look out for them too .....
SandyY2K · 30/01/2021 22:54

I don’t think anyone has said they have considered having a child to care for them in their old age ......some people have said it can be an advantage ...

Exactly. It can be an advantage, but it's absolutely not a reason to have children.

It would be an absolutely ridiculous reason.

MrDarcysMa · 30/01/2021 23:47

DP and I love being child free (late 30s). Lie ins, holidays, alone time.... we have a great life. I can't think of any negatives.

Seeing my friends become parents and the challenges that come with it (and the strain on their relationships) made me think you should REALLY want kids before having them. and I never REALLY wanted them.

MrDarcysMa · 30/01/2021 23:53

@mrsmangal

I feel so sorry for people who can’t see what they’re missing by not having children. It’s impossible to explain to you if you can’t see it.
Surprised you've got any time to feel sorry for us, surely you're busy living your best life simply just by existing as a parent? Wink
Ponoka7 · 30/01/2021 23:54

My Sister never regretted not having children. She's hijacked mine, now she's in her 60's. She's been a good Godmother to other children over the years.

My eldest DD (36) doesn't want them. She likes having her Niece, occasionally but it confirms her and her DP's decision.

I agree that you should really want them. So many women are left to pick up the load. You've got to make sure what 'wanting children' means to any man who says it. Very few fully co-parent.

Fearandsurprise · 31/01/2021 02:31

Today’s thread on here about a teenager running away is enough to make me not want children. My heart goes out to the parents coping in those situations.

MagentaDoesNotExist · 31/01/2021 02:54

@User594022452

This is more of an abstract answer but there's a sort of existential comfort in never being alone after having a child. In my 20s I was at uni in London and walked around a lot by myself, and also lived alone. I had good friends and relationships but everything just felt so temporary in that phase of life. Wandering around a big city alone often gave me a sense of deep loneliness. I wasn't depressed or unhappy but it was a feeling of melancholy. I felt adrift like everyone's lives were unfolding and passing me by. No matter how lovely my friends, experiences or memories were, there was nothing left once that event is over.

I often replay those memories, but in my head I put DD in there like a small invisible person from the future (angel sounds a bit too corny since I'm an atheist). It gives me huge comfort knowing that all the times I was wandering around the streets by myself, or waiting in rain for a bus that was taking ages to come, there was my child from the future next to me and I never knew it. Even though I was lonely at the time, I didn't know how important I would be to another person someday.

I'm scared by the thought of growing very old, and eventually my parents and husband won't be around either, and walking the streets alone just like I did before. Except this time it won't be the melancholy longing of a young person who hasn't found their niche in life yet. It's basically staring into the void, knowing you are alone, your body is failing and there is nobody else around. I can't imagine much comfort derived from spending the last phase of your life alone, tired and confused in a nursing home with lovely people, but who are effectively total strangers. Every day would feel like lockdown does right now, except with visits from children or grandchildren to break up the weeks and months. There would be nobody who genuinely cares about your health should anything happen, and you are left going to medical appointments alone as well.

Obviously, this is a personal thing and I imagine this scenario doesn't bother plenty of people at all in exchange for the freedom of a childfree life. Big advantage of not having kids is being able to spend time on yourself, and knowing you can truly do anything you want for yourself. The faff of taking care of kids is stressful, it only hit me recently how much extra work is involved shopping, cooking and feeding a family compared to one person. There is no break unless you get ill, and even leaving for a few days requires massive preparation beforehand.

This really moved me and you are absolutely right.
MagentaDoesNotExist · 31/01/2021 03:02

[quote SecretSpAD]@MagentaDoesNotExist I read it back and realised that I was assuming people on here were psychic! But thank you. [/quote]
No not at all, I am autistic so I can sometimes take things too literally! I meant no offence and it sounds like you have a wonderful family. Smile

rawlikesushi · 31/01/2021 09:08

@Fearandsurprise

Today’s thread on here about a teenager running away is enough to make me not want children. My heart goes out to the parents coping in those situations.
To be fair, the only threads about kids on mn are likely to be from struggling parents. Nobody starts a thread called 'had a great day with the kids today.'

You can't base every decision in life on the premise 'it might go wrong.'

And with kids, even if you're experiencing a tough time, you still love every fibre of them and know that it's (usually) only temporary.

towers14 · 31/01/2021 09:36

Having children is not about being cared for when older, for me it's being part of a family unit and feeling the love that comes with that. My dad is on his own (80s) and has me to help him and invite him round for a meal. Who knows where my teenagers will be when I'm older but I'm positive I will be loved and still be part of a family unit in some way. I know a few child free couples & singles, both older and my age, and my first though is to feel sorry for them, especially the old man that doesn't have anyone to even phone him.

Child free people always say they can travel, well I did all that before kids and will do so again once Unis are done with. It's the baby/toddler/child years that are looked on by child free not the whole picture. I have loved every minute of raising my children and would go back and do it all again.

BenoneBeauty · 31/01/2021 10:48

@towers14

Having children is not about being cared for when older, for me it's being part of a family unit and feeling the love that comes with that. My dad is on his own (80s) and has me to help him and invite him round for a meal. Who knows where my teenagers will be when I'm older but I'm positive I will be loved and still be part of a family unit in some way. I know a few child free couples & singles, both older and my age, and my first though is to feel sorry for them, especially the old man that doesn't have anyone to even phone him.

Child free people always say they can travel, well I did all that before kids and will do so again once Unis are done with. It's the baby/toddler/child years that are looked on by child free not the whole picture. I have loved every minute of raising my children and would go back and do it all again.

Couldn't agree more @towers14
leftovercoffeecake · 31/01/2021 11:20

The biggest benefit for me of being childfree is that I don’t have children. Going on nice holidays isn’t the only thing stopping me from having a baby. And even if you said I could have kids and still go on holidays etc, I wouldn’t want any!

The baby, toddler, children years may not last forever, but it’s a hell of a long time if it’s something you wouldn’t enjoy.

Onlyherefortheconspiracies · 31/01/2021 12:06

@leftovercoffeecake That's exactly what I think.

Look I understand that most mother's must see pros to having kids or else they wouldn't do it but for me personally the bits that are supposed to be nice wouldn't be enough to make up for the other stuff so I don't do it. Surely that's easy enough to understand?

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