Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Yes it does seem the moment you become a parent you never know a moment's true peace of mind ever again.

Do people honestly feel everyone who is a parent never has peace of mind again?

Because if that was the case, either peace of mind isn't important to them, or they would have stopped at 1 child and we'd have just 1 child families.

There seems to be a defensiveness and need to justify the decision not to have children and speak of perceived negatives of having children. You really don’t need to this.

It's nobody's business. Children or not is a personal choice. It's not a right vs wrong or good vs bad.

I don't want children, is the best reason not to have them. If your friends question why, then you need to get sensible friends....because it's not strangers who would talk to you or question you on your decision.

Anybody pressuring you is not respecting your boundaries and you should consider going NC with them if it becomes an issue.

The only person you need to discuss your decision to remain childfree with is a potential partner/spouse.

You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky)

many children don't look after their elderly parents for all sorts of reasons anyways.

And I have a child with complex needs that will need lifelong 24/7 care. My child certainly won't look after me - I will leave a child behind that utterly depends on me.

Having children to have someone look after you in old age it's an idiotic reason to have kids, sorry.

@PillowSandwich That's really interesting to hear, and reassuring to know that it is possible. I'm still not 100% decided, but for me the concept that you can only ever be as happy as your children are is very off putting and I rarely see or read an alternative view. I think the phrase often used is "Having children is like having an internal organ walking around outside your body". Do you think you benefited from having your DC in your 30s rather your 20s? Having already established yourself as an adult and being emotionally resilient when DC came along?

I think that's a very fair post, @SandyY2K. There's as little need for someone childfree to elaborate on the perceived negatives of having children as there is for a parent to bang on about the negatives of remaining childfree. In both cases, they're speculative ideas, and can only be speculative.

I think one thing that can be overlooked is the joy you get from spending time with your children after they reach adulthood. Whether they live near or far, spending time with another person you love and who has so much shared history with you is special. Of course not everyone likes their parents/adult children but I’d say it is the majority. I know my mums friends who didn’t have children (in their 60s now) say this is one element they really didn’t consider.

There seems to be a defensiveness and need to justify the decision not to have children and speak of perceived negatives of having children. You really don’t need to this.

I think most people are just answering OP's question which was what are the positives and negatives for childfree people in not having children. In answering most would then give their perceived negatives of having children.

Like if you ask someone the pros and cons of not having a dog they might say because dogs are a lot of responsibility/dogs smell/dogs bark. It's hard to answer that question without any negatives really.

@Squirrelblanket ermmm did you read my post?? They were my friends word said to me who is childfree not my own so jog on!

This is more of an abstract answer but there's a sort of existential comfort in never being alone after having a child. In my 20s I was at uni in London and walked around a lot by myself, and also lived alone. I had good friends and relationships but everything just felt so temporary in that phase of life. Wandering around a big city alone often gave me a sense of deep loneliness. I wasn't depressed or unhappy but it was a feeling of melancholy. I felt adrift like everyone's lives were unfolding and passing me by. No matter how lovely my friends, experiences or memories were, there was nothing left once that event is over.

I often replay those memories, but in my head I put DD in there like a small invisible person from the future (angel sounds a bit too corny since I'm an atheist). It gives me huge comfort knowing that all the times I was wandering around the streets by myself, or waiting in rain for a bus that was taking ages to come, there was my child from the future next to me and I never knew it. Even though I was lonely at the time, I didn't know how important I would be to another person someday.

I'm scared by the thought of growing very old, and eventually my parents and husband won't be around either, and walking the streets alone just like I did before. Except this time it won't be the melancholy longing of a young person who hasn't found their niche in life yet. It's basically staring into the void, knowing you are alone, your body is failing and there is nobody else around. I can't imagine much comfort derived from spending the last phase of your life alone, tired and confused in a nursing home with lovely people, but who are effectively total strangers. Every day would feel like lockdown does right now, except with visits from children or grandchildren to break up the weeks and months. There would be nobody who genuinely cares about your health should anything happen, and you are left going to medical appointments alone as well.

Obviously, this is a personal thing and I imagine this scenario doesn't bother plenty of people at all in exchange for the freedom of a childfree life. Big advantage of not having kids is being able to spend time on yourself, and knowing you can truly do anything you want for yourself. The faff of taking care of kids is stressful, it only hit me recently how much extra work is involved shopping, cooking and feeding a family compared to one person. There is no break unless you get ill, and even leaving for a few days requires massive preparation beforehand.

[quote Notquitenorthern]@PillowSandwich That's really interesting to hear, and reassuring to know that it is possible. I'm still not 100% decided, but for me the concept that you can only ever be as happy as your children are is very off putting and I rarely see or read an alternative view. I think the phrase often used is "Having children is like having an internal organ walking around outside your body". Do you think you benefited from having your DC in your 30s rather your 20s? Having already established yourself as an adult and being emotionally resilient when DC came along?[/quote]
Well, I had my son, who is eight, just before turning 40, having not planned to have children at all, and been completely at ease with that (DH the same). So bear in mind that what I'm saying relates to someone financially-OK, with one child by choice, and that child is well, able-bodied, neurotypical, and has coped well with what challenges life has thrown at him so far-- I'm well aware that I can't predict the future.

Obviously, I won't know what it would have been like if I'd had him younger, but yes, I think I was a comparatively emotionally-resilient adult and had also been for a long time in a happy, mutually-sustaining relationship by the time I had DS. I still loathed the newborn stage, and found maternity leave miserable, and was immediately happier once I'd gone back to work, as my work is tremendously meaningful to me. I've actually found parenthood and work combine well, as having specific limits (paid childcare etc) on working hours has made me more efficient and productive, and DH and I are both senior enough to be fairly flexible in a way that means we can both be hands-on parents.

But while I've found having a child enormously interesting that's been the revelation for me, that it's way more interesting than it looks, because what's most visible from the outside is the 'chore' element of parenthood I'm still pretty much the person I was. No, I don't feel I have an internal organ outside my body.

Obviously, I'm only speaking on my own behalf. That's the other thing -- each person is a different parent, and each child is a different child. There's no generic way of doing either.

I think most people are just answering OP's question which was what are the positives and negatives for childfree people in not having children. In answering most would then give their perceived negatives of having children

I think it's easy enough to answer the question without making out that people who have or chose to have kids are living a chaotic, miserable impoverished lifestyle and can no longer do hobbies or have a moment's peace until their kids till they leave home which some have done here.

I can't imagine much comfort derived from spending the last phase of your life alone, tired and confused in a nursing home with lovely people, but who are effectively total strangers. Every day would feel like lockdown does right now, except with visits from children or grandchildren to break up the weeks and months. There would be nobody who genuinely cares about your health should anything happen, and you are left going to medical appointments alone as well.

See my previous post about everyone parenting differently! I don't recognise this at all. I don't have any expectation that DS will be living on the same continent as I am when I'm old, far less than he'll have children to occupy my time, or be accompanying me to medical appointments. If he's around at times, I'll be happy, but there's a big world out there, and I want him to explore it.

@User594022452 -- this seems like a lot to put on your daughter.

"I can't imagine much comfort derived from spending the last phase of your life alone, tired and confused in a nursing home with lovely people, but who are effectively total strangers."

My grandmother had Alzheimer's and dementia when she died. She didn't know who any of us where, didn't even recognise my mother and aunt, her own daughters. We might as well have been strangers.

I think it's very hard to say because it really depends on the individual. And the argument about having children to look after you in old age doesn't wash. Some people have half a dozen children but no relationship with any of them in old age, others can have no children but a circle of good friends. Having children does not guarantee you a carer in your elderly years.

As for old age, no one can predict the future. My childless aunt only went to hospital 10 days before she died, until then she had lived independently in her own flat. My grandmother (mother's mum) lived in a care home for years but she had Alzheimers and didn't really know if any of us visited or not. My mum is not going to see me much in her old age as I live in a different country...

Having kids to have care in old age seems like quite an old fashioned view and at odds with the way society is like these days.

One of my friends is childfree at 44. She travels (pre-covid) has an amazing home, very good job and lots of money. She doesn't like kids particulary and has never regretted not having them. Good luck to her and I am often envious of her. However I would never swap. It is hard to have kids. It is also incredibly rewarding and I believe there is nothing to beat holding your newborn child in your arms. Everyone is different - this wouldn't appeal to her at all and that's fine! We will always be friends regardless but she will never be on hand to babysit!!

@eaglejulesk

Yeah, thanks for that. I was one such child so I am well aware of that, thanks for your insight on the "big picture". Nobody suggested at any point that people should have unwanted children and abuse them unless I missed part of the thread?

I'm sorry for your misfortune, but I was merely responding to your post which insinuated that people don't have children simply because they want a cruisy life. Some people don't think they would be a great parent and I feel it somewhat of a risk to have children on the offchance that you might be a good parent. I imagine some people look forward to children then find the reality somewhat different. I doubt anyone gives birth to a child for the sole purpose of abusing them!!!

I wasn't implying that you were saying that at all. And I understand completely the worry about not being a good parent, that was (pre-children) and remains now, my greatest fear. I think my point was that that worry actually often shows people who will be good parents - if someone doesn't worry about this, that in itself is worrying! But that is very, very different to suggesting people should have unwanted children. That's totally different. It is the biggest commitment a person can ever make so should never be done unless the person is absolutely sure, I totally agree with you on that and was never suggesting otherwise. Or that people have children with the intention of abusing them, I expect that is vanishingly rare.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

Flying or long car journeys with small children don’t look like huge fun to me, though I’m sure the holiday itself is. Whereas if you don’t have kids it’s all part of the holiday.

it's all in the planning. It's not the hardship some people would make you think it is. It's part of the holiday for us too 🤷

Exactly. I took a 6 month old baby on a 2500 mile road trip and it was brilliant!

[quote Yoshinori]@MagentaDoesNotExist

I have children.

What are the guaranteed benefits of children ?

They are guaranteed benefits of not having children.[/quote]
What a ridiculous question. Nothing in life is guaranteed except birth and death.

It's such a personal choice. I wanted children since I was young but waited until I was 30.. it was always in my plan because it was what I visioned my life to be, unconditional love and the joy I knew they would bring my life. I can't really explain it but my best friend has always said she doesn't want children, she may be considering it now but it all comes down to circumstances. We change as people all the time and I don't think you have to make a final decision, just do what makes you happy!! Honestly, it may sound like philosophical BS but life is so short, fill it with whatever YOU want. Being cared for when I'm older has never crossed my mind, I'll probably tell them to ship me off to a home so they can live without the burden (as long as they pluck my beard for me 😂)

@SecretSpAD

I never had biological children but we inherited a niece and nephew a few years ago who are now teenagers.

I never wanted children, not because I'm materialistic or liked exotic holidays, or was too immature to cope with responsibility or too emotionally shallow to know true love. I just didn't want them and felt as strongly about that as my sister who really wanted them.

My life, my husbands life, has been good. We have both worked abroad, we have time for each other and we have a great group of friends. We've volunteered to build schools in Africa, have sponsored children and have both been school governors. Before our niece and nephew came to live with us full time we frequently looked after them, took them on days out and holidays and supported them.

I don't know if we would have done as much as we have to help support lots of children had we had our own - but somehow I doubt it because we would not have had the time or the headspace. It doesn't make us inherently superior to parents, but nor does being childfree make us a moral vacuum.

I'm not a great believer in unconditional love. I didn't love my mother and she didn't love me. I know I love my dad, my husband, my dog and the teenagers and that's good enough for me. I have no desire to give birth just to see if I can feel unconditional love.

As we got older we made choices about how we wanted to live in the next phase of our lives and so we moved to Cornwall from London and made choices about our careers. Neither of us have ever been wild party animals, but as we get older our lives naturally change. That's the case whether you're a parent or not.

My life is not, has not been, and will never be less fulfilling and less worthy than someone who has biological children. I've never been family oriented and frankly, apart from my dad, wouldn't care if I never saw another family member again. I don't believe that having children of my own would have changed my mind that my brother is a complete and utter twat and my mother a toxic waste dump of a human being.

I am confused by your post. You sound very kind qnd empathetic and you care for these two teenagers now and say you love them, then say other than your Dad you wouldn't care if you never saw another family member again? Would you not miss the teenagers whom you spent lots of time with as babies and small children, who now live with you, and you say you love, if you never saw them?

Threads like this interest me because I am currently on the fence about whether to have children. Happily married in my mid-thirties and used to want them, but now I'm not so sure.

Re children looking after you when you are old, someone on another similar thread said "why would you spend the best years of your life making sacrifices for your children in return for a chance that they will look after you when you're old?" I agree it doesn't make sense. The reason to have children is because you want them, not so that someone will care for you when you're old. Plenty of people move too far away to care for parents, or are just not interested. Or they have disabilities etc. which means that they can't care for their parents.

Also, a lot of people who extol the virtues of having children on here are people who have very small children. To put it bluntly, there's still a lot of time for things to not turn out the way you expected. I see lots of assumptions that people's children will have children themselves, want to care for their parents, remain nearby etc. There's no guarantee that any of that will happen.

On the other hand, I can see lots of good things about children. People are always saying they don't like other people's children. Well, I do. For the most part, I find them cute and entertaining. I like the idea of creating someone who is half me and half my husband. But I can't stop seeing the risks too.

@Notquitenorthern

The deep, unparralleled, mama bear love always comes up as a pro on these threads. I have no problem believing that Parent to Child love is unlike any other kind of love, that is basic biology (but your children dont reciprocate beyond a few brief dependent years!). But I really struggle to see how this is a pro! The intensity of that connection looks utterly anxiety inducing to me.

I know my own DM does not see me as more than an extension of herself, the intensity of love is suffocating. I know I cause her immense worry and sometime hurt just by living my life as I choose. I see this play out amongst my own friends now, their connection with their children is all consuming, they are never free of worry, every negative news story is inflated, the weight of responsibility is all consuming. They also load their children with expectations, their own happiness is utterly dependent on another being. I could not imagine handing away my emotional autonomy like that, it sounds terrifying.

This is very accurate! I remember my friend saying when she had her first the worry of something happening to him was almost unbearable that she missed the simpler times of only worrying about herself. I totally get that now. It is all consuming, not sure if it ever goes away as they get older

@MagentaDoesNotExist sorry I do sound a bit confusing don't I! I was talking about my brother and sister and their families, cousins and so on. Not the kids, never the kids. They are stuck with us forever.

[quote SecretSpAD]@MagentaDoesNotExist sorry I do sound a bit confusing don't I! I was talking about my brother and sister and their families, cousins and so on. Not the kids, never the kids. They are stuck with us forever. [/quote]
Ah that makes sense. You sound like a very wonderful person and they are lucky to have you.

Sorry that I misunderstood @SecretSpAD