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Original poster

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
Wrongsideofhistorymyarse · 30/01/2021 13:47

@MyDcAreMarvel

Negatives - the guilt at having other peoples children care for you either in a care home, at home. Guilt if you need the nhs, police or any public service. If everyone remained child free by choice there would be nobody to do those things. The guilt you will feel that other people’s children are supporting the economy and providing you with a state pension ( any money you paid in was not ring fenced but spent years previously) Loneliness and regret especially if your parent dies. Obviously those who were unable to have children would have no need to feel guilty as it was not their choice. Positives you can be selfish with everything time , money etc. Not really something to aspire to.
ODFOD.
CeibaTree · 30/01/2021 13:48

I didn't have my first child until I was 38, and compared to my friends who had them younger, DH and I were able to spend most of our 30s living a rich (as in full not financial!) life as a couple - travelling the world, doing jobs that we loved instead of 'safe' career options (DH even took time out of their working life to do a PhD in a subject where the fieldwork element wouldn't have been compatible with family life) and we had an awesome social life. I think if you don't want children (we always knew we did eventually) there are lots of positive ways to have a fulfilling life. People who tell you otherwise are probably just lacking in imagination.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2021 14:01

The thing is that you often don't miss what you never had. If you don't have kids, you won't know for sure what your life would been if you did. You probably can't imagine life with DC and you adjust to how things are.

It's like children who have never had a father in their lives. They can't know if they would be happier or not with one.

They may see a friend who has a great relationship with their dad, or one who has an awful relationship....but they cannot know what their personal experience would have been with their own dad.

Meowchickameowmeow · 30/01/2021 14:01

@MyDcAreMarvel

Negatives - the guilt at having other peoples children care for you either in a care home, at home. Guilt if you need the nhs, police or any public service. If everyone remained child free by choice there would be nobody to do those things. The guilt you will feel that other people’s children are supporting the economy and providing you with a state pension ( any money you paid in was not ring fenced but spent years previously) Loneliness and regret especially if your parent dies. Obviously those who were unable to have children would have no need to feel guilty as it was not their choice. Positives you can be selfish with everything time , money etc. Not really something to aspire to.
WTAF are you talking about?
Yohoheaveho · 30/01/2021 14:03

I knew not to have children but by god, if someone had warned me about the burden of parents, I would have amended life accordingly
Acorn I'm sorry to hear that your parents have leaned on you in such intolerable ways, I hope you can find a way to get some rest and some peace🙏
I wonder if parents in these kinds of situations (consciously or unconsciously) feel it's ok to burden their children because their children don't have children of their own?
Like they see you as a resource that they can tap into precisely because you're not already being 'used up' by your own children?

Glera · 30/01/2021 14:04

I have a child BUT can completely see why people would happily decide not to.

Children change a lifestyle dramatically.

I miss a lot of my old life. Doesn't mean I don't love my son either.

If you don't want your lifestyle to change then don't have children. Be proud you made a choice for YOU and not what some people in society expect for you.

CounsellorTroi · 30/01/2021 14:06

The thing is that you often don't miss what you never had. If you don't have kids, you won't know for sure what your life would been if you did. You probably can't imagine life with DC and you adjust to how things are.

And vice versa. If you have children you may remember life before children but you can't know what it is like to live your whole life without children.

BaruFisher · 30/01/2021 14:09

An important point counsellor Troi. Being child free in my 40s is very different from my 20s and I’m sure that will remain the case as I get older.

reprehensibleme · 30/01/2021 14:15

Hmm if all the happily childless folks all decided they WOULD have children the world would be in a worse state than it already is. I have worked and paid tax for close to 35 years, not had to use maternity care, subsidised childcare places, schools, sports centres, subsidised prescriptions, subsidised transport etc etc etc, so I have saved to pay for care in my old age - I am not expecting anyone else's children to wipe my arse out of the kindness of their hearts.

There are many, many people in this world who should not have had children - what do posters like mydcaremarvel think of them? What do you think about people who put no thought into having children then neglect them, mistreat them, put new partners first - perhaps it's OK, because people who don't have children are selfish monsters who don't know what real love us, and who would want to go through life like that.

And, I am currently caring for my elderly father, because my siblings evidently can't, because they have [teenage] children to look after Hmm, while me, bring child free, obviously don't have any responsibilities and just doooooon't understaaaaaand. Again Hmm, such a useful emoji because my own eyes will not roll far enough.

poppyzbrite4 · 30/01/2021 14:23

@MyDcAreMarvel judging other people isn't exactly something to aspire to either, yet here you are.

Why should people who have chosen not to have children feel guilty? Really strange.

NuniaBeeswax · 30/01/2021 14:25

Why is it not enough to just not want to have children? I have never felt the slightest twinge of a maternal instinct and have the self awareness to know I'd be a pretty crap mother so why inflict that on someone who didn't ask for it on the off chance I might regret it in 30 years time? There are a lot of things I'll probably regret on my death bed but it'll be too late to do anything about it then so why worry?

I don't have some well paying career or go on lavish holidays. Some people just shouldn't be parents and I'm not ashamed to admit I'm one of them.

Maybe I am selfish, or immature, or emotionally stunted, or whatever stereotype we're going for today. But I can guarantee that I've put more thought and effort into NOT having children than a lot of people have into having them, and that no one will be posting on the MN of the future about me that they had a shit mum who fuck their life up.

(and before anyone suggests it, this is not some hangover from a terrible childhood of my own that I just need to work through. Just because my own mother did a good job doesn't mean that I will.)

SandyY2K · 30/01/2021 14:27

@CounsellorTroi

And vice versa. If you have children you may remember life before children but you can't know what it is like to live your whole life without children.

Absolutely.

But my comment was going on the OP's actusl question below.

I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree?

It was specifically asking about those who are older and childfree.

reprehensibleme · 30/01/2021 14:32

NuniaBeeswax, you comment about putting more thought into not having children is absolutely spot on.

CounsellorTroi · 30/01/2021 14:38

Why is it not enough to just not want to have children?

Because there is social expectation to have them, and because people have them for other reasons than just because they want them - because they feel they ought to, because of FOMO, because of religious/parental expectation etc.

Butterfly1066 · 30/01/2021 14:48

I would ignore whatever @MyDcAreMarvel says I have yet to see a reasonable or rational post that they have written however this one does excel in its unpleasant nature

Ginfordinner · 30/01/2021 14:51

@CounsellorTroi

Why is it not enough to just not want to have children?

Because there is social expectation to have them, and because people have them for other reasons than just because they want them - because they feel they ought to, because of FOMO, because of religious/parental expectation etc.

I don't buy any of that. I never felt any kind of obligation to have children, ever.
Notquitenorthern · 30/01/2021 14:54

The deep, unparralleled, mama bear love always comes up as a pro on these threads. I have no problem believing that Parent to Child love is unlike any other kind of love, that is basic biology (but your children dont reciprocate beyond a few brief dependent years!). But I really struggle to see how this is a pro! The intensity of that connection looks utterly anxiety inducing to me.

I know my own DM does not see me as more than an extension of herself, the intensity of love is suffocating. I know I cause her immense worry and sometime hurt just by living my life as I choose. I see this play out amongst my own friends now, their connection with their children is all consuming, they are never free of worry, every negative news story is inflated, the weight of responsibility is all consuming. They also load their children with expectations, their own happiness is utterly dependent on another being. I could not imagine handing away my emotional autonomy like that, it sounds terrifying.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/01/2021 14:55

I have 6 childfree friends in their fifties. I am in my forties and married with dc 7 and 9.

Positives of being childfree
Basically, freedom - how to spend your money, time, where to live - everything
Money

Compared to me (married with 2 young dc), my friends...

  • have more interesting social lives / hobbies
  • travel more
  • have less stress
  • take more diverse job / study opportunities
  • plan to retire earlier
  • have more time for friendships
  • have fewer money worries generally

Negatives
I think they can feel left out of conversations about children and bored by them!
Having to explain why they don't have children- this is annoying

In the case of my friends, they have nieces or nephews that they are close to, and this means a lot to them.

I am happy with my choice to have children - it was right for me. I don't feel sorry for my friends though - they live rich and interesting lives. I did think long and hard about having dc and don't assume everyone wants them.

CounsellorTroi · 30/01/2021 14:56

Yes it does seem the moment you become a parent you never know a moment's true peace of mind ever again. I'm not sure I could have coped with that.

Shmithecat2 · 30/01/2021 15:03

OP, if you don't want them, don't have them. There's no need to justify that to anyone.

That being said, I'm a little bemused at some comments - pros of being childless to include travel/living on different continents, flying club and having work breaks. I have a child, and we've done all those, they're not mutually exclusive Confused

PillowSandwich · 30/01/2021 15:06

I know my own DM does not see me as more than an extension of herself, the intensity of love is suffocating. I know I cause her immense worry and sometime hurt just by living my life as I choose. I see this play out amongst my own friends now, their connection with their children is all consuming, they are never free of worry, every negative news story is inflated, the weight of responsibility is all consuming. They also load their children with expectations, their own happiness is utterly dependent on another being. I could not imagine handing away my emotional autonomy like that, it sounds terrifying.

I have a not-dissimilar relationship with my mother, @Notquitenorthern, but I can honestly say this isn't my experience of life with a child -- I think that being my mother's child taught me a lot about my child not in fact being an extension of me, and that my own happiness, or psychological autonomy, cannot and should not be bound up in someone else's.

I generally don't recognise the descriptions of motherhood I see on Mn as involving a complete reinvention of the self, and a life of considerably more vulnerability and trudgework. I'm genuinely much the same person (a mother aged 48) as the woman who was happily childfree at 39. DS is a delight, and watching him grow up is really interesting, but he's been a lovely addition to a life that was already satisfying.

Updatemate · 30/01/2021 15:06

Ginfordinner

You may not have felt obligation, but others have.

Givethemback · 30/01/2021 15:12

@Shmithecat2

OP, if you don't want them, don't have them. There's no need to justify that to anyone.

That being said, I'm a little bemused at some comments - pros of being childless to include travel/living on different continents, flying club and having work breaks. I have a child, and we've done all those, they're not mutually exclusive Confused

Alternatively I'm childfree and have done none of that 😆

Life is what you make it. If you have kids and love it or have no kid and love it great. Unfortunately there are people who have kids and hate it or don't have kids and hate it and that's sad but hopefully they find a way to live a life they're as happy with as they can be.

@xmasbaby11 that's a great post, again you can have a rich and interesting and fulfilled life having kids or not having them, it just depends what you want. There are people jetting off everywhere doing amazing interesting things and then at the other end of the spectrum people eating Nutella out of the jar watching Netflix every day. People from both groups and throughout the spectrum may have kids or may not. As long as you're happy, enjoy your life, like yourself and respect yourself it doesn't matter whether that is because of children, pets, a partner, studying, charity work, an enjoyment of your life, family, friends, being alone, feeling content, travelling, and on and on.

At the end of the day there are billions of combinations you can choose your life from, you have to choose and live with those choices, there will be billions of things you're not doing while you're living the things you did choose but as long as you're happy, you're doing the right thing.

fungster · 30/01/2021 15:13

@possumgoddess

As someone who has children and would never want to be without them......

Pros -
you don't have to look after the children
You don't have to pay for things for the children
you don't have to deal with the noise of the children
You don't have to cook clean clear up after the children
You don't have to be responsible for the children or their behaviour
You won't ever have to look after grandchildren
Your time is your own
Your money is your own
And lots more!!!!!

Cons -
You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky),
You won't have a reason for being fat and wearing maternity clothes
This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die.

I didn't choose to have children and would have been very happy without them, but now I do have them I am thankful for them every day.

I completely agree. I never wanted children until the day I suddenly did, and I adore them with every part of me.

They also drive me bloody mental most of the time and I crave solitude.

And the money!! On more than one occasion I've said to DH, "Just think how much money we'd have if we didn't have kids!"

poppyzbrite4 · 30/01/2021 15:14

I totally get that feeling of obligation and expectation. I never had that as my parents weren't really fussed about it. My parents have never spoken to me about having children. I had friends however, who saw it as the next stage of life after graduation. It was just expected and they assumed that was how you lived life.

I suppose that's why there's something called 'alternative lifestyles' as that's still the norm for many. The reason I haven't had children is because a. I never wanted to and b. I do something creative for a career and it involves a lot of intense work. The idea of children has never really come up. I also have a lot of freedom and I love having freedom. I just didn't want the responsibility.