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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
QueenoftheAir · 30/01/2021 11:56

The guilt you will feel that other people’s children are supporting the economy and providing you with a state pension

ODFOD with this total rubbish. It's offensive.

I pay a huge amount of tax to support yours and other people's children. I also pay in by working masses of unpaid overtime educating them.

About a decade ago, there was a calculation floating around that just the healthcare of a child from conception to 18 years old cost the state around £100,000.

So are you paying that back?

Your reasoning is utterly offensive - we ALL pay for & support each other.

BashfulClam · 30/01/2021 12:00

@MyDcAreMarvel I don’t feel guilty since my taxes currently pay for your children to educated. My taxes paid for them to be brought into this world, for their medication, dentistry and to help
Keep you alive since childbirth is dangerous therefore it balances out.

Givethemback · 30/01/2021 12:00

@SecretSpAD

I don’t judge people for not wanting children, nor do I judge them for wanting them. I

I tell you who,I judge though - people who think that childfree or childless people should feel guilty for using public services that we have paid towards. And I would like to remind that person that my taxes have contributed to her being able to receive post and antenatal care on the NHS, give birth on the NHS, her child benefits, her children's education, their health and care since they were born.

This whole thread has basically been the low level reasons there are childfree groups where people need support because of what has happened to them because of being childfree. A lot of the reasons are more horrendous but this thread has covered most of the low level upset people talk about. I hope the people who have been horrible about childfree people don't have children who are childfree because I've supported the childfree people in that situation and it's horrible.

This thread is all about how childfree people don't know love and should feel guilty and will lead long, lonely, cold lives and die alone at the end with no one to care about them.

Meanwhile the rest of the Internet show a different story. Many forums, articles and blog/social media posts about regretting children. There's also many posts about children who know they were regretted, abused children now grown and seeking support, mums in the UK are mental at breaking point and it's driving them to drink and that's just what I've seen in the last half an hour.

If OP said they had a 10 week old baby and it was the hardest stage of parenting the thread would've been full of people warning her how much harder it gets and not to have more because 2,3,4 were much harder than 1 and how awful it is being a parent basically. But say you don't want kids and you're materialistic, missing out, will be lonely, not living a real life etc.

CounsellorTroi · 30/01/2021 12:03

@QueenoftheAir

This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die

This is the bullshit .... If you haven't experienced unconditional love for anyone unless & until you've had your own child, I suggest that you might have had a fairly unfeeling life.

Yes this the insulting thing. That having children gives you a unique wisdom, insight and capacity for love that you only have if you have children. And it is equally insulting whether or not one is childfree or childless not by choice.
Givethemback · 30/01/2021 12:09

@LastDuchessFerrara

I would call it a feral untamed love

Some mothers on MN fetishize their relationship with their children. Claiming they'd kill/die for them, throw their partners under a bus because they love their children so desperately

I find it bizarre.

I have one DD whom I love very much. Not more or less than my DH. I also love my sister and my mother. They all enrich my life.

It's at odd with the many threads on here where the dad is a bully, abusive etc and the mum doesn't want to leave. I feel sorry for the adults reading this who were those kids wondering what's wrong with them that their mum didn't feel that way.

Just a few days ago I read a thread from a woman seeking support as she had taken in her sisters children as her sister had decided to stay with her convicted pedophile boyfriend of a few months than stay with her children. That's not unheard of, I've read similar things before. So obviously the love childfree people won't ever feel and the kill/die for protectiveness childfree people won't understand isn't a guarantee for parents either.

leftovercoffeecake · 30/01/2021 12:12

I don’t agree that holidays are the same whether you have children or not. My last holiday before covid was to New York. We got up first thing in the morning, walked for hours, went to bed last thing at night, went to museums, went shopping all day etc. There’s no way you could do that with a toddler in tow.

Obviously people with children have holidays, but it’s different because you’re having to take a child’s needs into consideration.

Sure if you have kids you can still go out and do things as a couple like go to the cinema. But unless you’re seeing a children’s movie, you would have to arrange a baby sitter.

It also depends on personal circumstances. Some people have lots of relatives who are happy to look after the kids, so the couple can go on holiday alone for a week. But you only have to read mumsnet to see that there are some women whose husband won’t even watch his own kids so she can have a night with her friends.

It’s like the stereotype that all childfree people are loaded CEOs who drive Ferraris. That’s not what childfree people mean when they talk about having more money. The difference is, if you had two women on the same wage, one without children and one with a child. The childfree woman gets paid, pays her rent, bills, etc and then has the rest of the money to spend on herself. The mother will have the rent and the bills but will also have to buy nappies, extra food, potentially pay for child care etc.

I also disagree that everyone will feel this endless love for their child. Just a couple of days ago there was a thread on the mental health board from a dad who felt nothing towards his child, hated being around him and wanted to leave, but loved his wife.

QueenoftheAir · 30/01/2021 12:15

this thread has covered most of the low level upset people talk about

Indeed. I have to keep it low-level for my own mental/emotional well-being. I really shouldn't even read threads like these.

Except it reassures me that having children doesn't guarantee that people become caring compassionate human beings. Sometimes, it's quite the reverse.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 30/01/2021 12:20

If you don't love your children above anything else, there's something very wrong.

That explains women sticking up with abusers instead of putting their kids first, but it's still wrong.

And it's true you cannot know what it's like to love a child if you haven't have one. How would you? It doesn't mean either we have to believe in the ridiculous myth of love at first sight that shames struggling mothers.
Of course some people regret having children, but some people are also shocked that being a parent means actually looking after a child. Some people make mistakes, others are just stupid.

If you are sure of your own choices, no need to attack others to comfort yourself.

I have 4 kids, it was the right decision for me.

MyDcAreMarvel · 30/01/2021 12:20

@BashfulClam MyDcAreMarvel I don’t feel guilty since my taxes currently pay for your children to educated. really? I must have missed the cheques you shoved through my door.
Are you planning on employing a robot to meet your care , nhs and dentistry needs when you are elderly or will you rely on someone else’s child to do it?

lockedownloretta · 30/01/2021 12:23

These threads really pizzle and amuse me. There seem to have been lots of them lately.

It is like me going on piston heads to ponder about how i have never had any interest in motorised vehicles, that my life is infinitely richer without one and I don't understand why people bother with cars and bikes!

leftovercoffeecake · 30/01/2021 12:31

@lockedownloretta

These threads really pizzle and amuse me. There seem to have been lots of them lately. It is like me going on piston heads to ponder about how i have never had any interest in motorised vehicles, that my life is infinitely richer without one and I don't understand why people bother with cars and bikes!
Mumsnet isn’t just for parents if that’s what you’re implying. And before someone says ‘it’s in the name’, I didn’t realise I had to push a baby out in order to enjoy reading Aibu

And if we’re going off your example, it’s like you having zero interest in motorbikes, but everyone around you telling you that means you’re a materialistic, cold person who will die alone, lacks purpose and will never experience true love. So you reach out and ask people who also don’t like motorbikes what their experience is, only for the motorbike lovers to get involved and reiterate how miserable and lonely you’ll be.

QueenoftheAir · 30/01/2021 12:31

The difference might be @lockedownloretta that non-car owners don't pay for car-owners' cars ...

LastDuchessFerrara · 30/01/2021 12:33

If you don't love your children above anything else, there's something very wrong

Or it could mean that you have strong, loving relationships with others (some who are not your blood) and don't feel compelled to fetishize your love for your child.

That explains women sticking up with abusers instead of putting their kids first, but it's still wrong

I think women stick with abusers because they are either terrified to leave or because their self worth is so low they don't have the strength to leave.

If you have loving relationships with a number of people it strengthens your self esteem.

BaruFisher · 30/01/2021 12:33

MyDCareMarvel’s posts are a perfect illustration of how becoming a parent does not make you more compassionate and filled with love and understanding. I’m sure she had her children for the selfless reason of providing care to old crumbling heartless child free people. Or maybe just because you wanted DC?

We are all muddling our way through life as best we can trying to make the right decisions for us and our circumstances. None of us are in a position to judge others decisions.

HitchFlix · 30/01/2021 12:36

Families are supposed to look after each other Confused I don't know why people on here always act like that's the worst thing in the world to suggest. Perhaps it's a cultural thing but where I'm from everyone (unless they're complete arseholes) looks after their elderly/infirm parents unless the care requirements are so great they need to go into a nursing home. Even then, families remain hugely involved. It's very strange to me that people consider this a huge inconvenience to put on your DC. I will gladly do it for my mum should the need arrive. It's what loving families just do and I would consider it very much a pro of having DC.

However, my aunt is childfree - not by choice though. We are very close and I would do the same for her so not having children doesn't mean you'll be abandoned in old age (which I think is a legitimate fear) Fostering loving relationships with other family members/good friends should negate that. A pro of being child free is you will have more time to dedicate to other relationships. My aunt has so many friends all over the country and compared to most mothers her age her social life is great as a result.

Reearry · 30/01/2021 12:37

Resources or the lack of them and luck are two of the biggest factors into consideration when it comes to the impact ( positive and negative) of having children. I have close friends/ family who have kids and it hasn't stopped them for doing/ enjoying everything that childfree get to do. They have ample resources to hire nanny/ babysitter when required, go for holidays abroad at least twice a year, outsource housework, go on trips with friends while DP stays home with DC and stay at home while DP goes on golf trips, have enough time to spend on hobbies etc. It all comes down to resources and support. If you have a partner and support network and ample resources and the fortunate luck to have children that do not require special attention then your life will not be very different than being childfree in terms of lifestyle and hobbies and interests. Yes, you will spend time doing children's activities ( but it doesn't seem like much of a drudgery YMMV) and there seems to be a lot of joy and enjoyment. I still haven't made up my mind either way and I know I will have to next couple of years because I am in mid 30's but whatever I chose to do I know I will be happy either way. I don't understand why childfree people think ones with children do not have a life beyond their kids and family. Plenty of people with kids have friends, family, hobbies, interests and I am saying this as a childfree person ( thus far!)

nordica · 30/01/2021 12:40

I don't have kids and it's likely I now never will (late 30s and no partner currently) - never particularly felt drawn to the idea either.

Those who say you won't really have a family if you don't have children are absolutely correct when it comes to my situation unfortunately. As an only child with no cousins, aunts or uncles and no grandparents alive, I do feel like I have no family. I feel more upset about not getting to be an aunt than not being a mother actually, but mostly this whole covid year has just highlighted how I'm missing out on a huge chunk of experience most people seem to share - having a large family, being surrounded by people who generally love you/care about you. It's not the same as having good friends in my opinion. Friendships are easy to end but your sister or your son or your mother is always related to you even if you don't get along all the time...

The positives do feel a bit materialistic I guess but undoubtedly I have the freedom to organise my life based on what I want and also what I can tolerate - I work part time and probably wouldn't be able to do this if I had to think about the cost of childcare or planning to pay university fees. I can live anywhere I want without worrying about schools. I can plan my financial future based on what I need, I'm not going to need anything to anyone to secure their future.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 30/01/2021 12:47

I don’t have any children but from working for years with elderly patients I can categorically tell you that the old “ you will have someone to look after you in old age” is total crap. I would say that over 70% of my patients have either minimal or no contact with their kids. This is either because they live far way or they have fallen out. There are very few who have kids near them looking out for them.

Updatemate · 30/01/2021 12:51

LastDuchessFerrara

Out of interest, gun to your head, you have to choose to save your child or your DH, which do you choose and why? For me it's no contest, I'd save my kids. Not because I know it's what DH would want but because in that situation I love my children more than DH.

I do agree with you that people fetishize the love for their children in a very weird way and whilst my love for my children is very different to the love I have for others I don't feel that no one would ever be able to experience it in other ways. It's like suggesting adoptive parents don't love their children as much as people love their biological children.

HitchFlix · 30/01/2021 12:53

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents

For me it doesn't differ too much but the pro is - having children replicates it. So if you have unconditional love for your mother that's a wonderful thing but it means you will take it particularly hard when she passes away (well I suspect I will as I adore my mother just as much as my DC). Having that love for a younger generation tempers the loss somewhat in the sense it keeps you going when you might otherwise be utterly consumed with grief.

I don't know if I've explained that well. My childfree aunt was very involved in the day to day care of my grandad. Out of all her siblings (who all have DC) she has taken his death last year the hardest. My mum was devastated too but she said she felt lucky she had us/our DC to keep her going and distract her in her darkest moments.

There's no guarantees of course but just a personal insight.

Updatemate · 30/01/2021 12:59

I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents

My love for my children reminds me of the love I had for my parents when I was a child. If you still have that love then I'd say it's very similar. My love for my parents has changed as I've got older and is no longer the same.

BadLad · 30/01/2021 13:03

MyDCareMarvel’s posts are a perfect illustration of how becoming a parent does not make you more compassionate and filled with love and understanding. I’m sure she had her children for the selfless reason of providing care to old crumbling heartless child free people. Or maybe just because you wanted DC?

I don't know about that. But clearly taking care of her kids has meant that she's too busy to learn anything about how the tax system works.

BashfulClam · 30/01/2021 13:13

@MyDcAreMarvel i can’t have children so I don’t use schools or any child services but my tax goes towards them so it balances out. Are you
Planning to make your kids care for you in your older years? What about their lives and what they want? I refuse to feel guilty as you stated up thread, why would I feel guilty?

ChasingRainbows19 · 30/01/2021 13:17

And comments like the one that us child free people will have their children paying for us? For fucks sake seriously??

I’ve worked solidly full time l for 26 years. I’m only 42 so have another 26 yet...I had 6 months off for an Australia trip. I’ve never claimed benefits or tax credits, maternity pay, no nhs hospital care for births then for children: education and health care til 18?

Surely the taxes, NI contributions I will have paid will be more than enough to cover my needs? Also I hope to be able to have enough money to fund my own care if needed the state will pay very little towards a nursing home.

I’ve never once begrudged the fact MY taxes go into the pot that benefits YOUR children to be honest never even gave it much thought. I’m part of society. So why they hell does it bother people that I won’t have kids and give that insane reason? Why are some parents taking it as a personal insult that others don’t feel that need to procreate like they do? We can all be different and exist together.

Yohoheaveho · 30/01/2021 13:25

There have been numerous threads on this theme on Mumsnet but this is the most insightful one that I can remember reading🤔