Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Families are different. Not everyone is as individualistic as MN posters.

Sometimes it's nieces and nephews who take care of an elderly aunt. And it's a good thing. Not every elderly person is seen as a burden.

And immigration queues too.....

It's also good to know no one will ever find me a burden the way my parents were/are to me.

You don't have to be a burden though. I have already set money aside for my future care needs and made the legal preparations. I'm in my 30s. No family member will need to make any decisions or provide any level of care at all.

@MagentaDoesNotExist

I have children.

What are the guaranteed benefits of children ?

They are guaranteed benefits of not having children.

@WatchWatch

It's also good to know no one will ever find me a burden the way my parents were/are to me.

You don't have to be a burden though. I have already set money aside for my future care needs and made the legal preparations. I'm in my 30s. No family member will need to make any decisions or provide any level of care at all.

You can sort those things.

But what about the calls from your father dying of cancer, saying "I'm frightened" and you are the only one who can help, you are the only hand he can hold and person to whom he tells the truth because how can he tell his wife, his childhood sweetheart, such terrible things?

And then your mother wants you because she is frightened because her man is dying?

And then he dies, and the only person in the world she wants for comfort is you?

And then years pass and her only reason to get out of bed is you?

I should have emigrated in my 20s. My youth is gone. I don't know how much of my middle age will be lost. What I describe is a fraction of the emotional journey I have suffered due to....having parents. People warn you about having children but no one warns you about this.

As well as the joy of not having children, it is good to know I am no one's burden.

I better go. I am interrupting the joy of no children. Enjoy it OP, it's grand!

What are the guaranteed benefits of children ?

how long is a piece of string?
It depends if you WANTED children or not in the first place. It works either way.

Haven't rtft but just because you have children it's not a guarantee that they will look after you in old age. Nothing is guaranteed, they might move to another country, they might be NC with you and so on.

AcornAutumn
you sound far too nice for your own good.

I sincerely hope you have the finance to employ some help for your parent, to at least free some of your own time and allow you to have a life.

The worst thing would be believe it's too late for you. It really isn't.

how long is a piece of string?
It depends if you WANTED children or not in the first place. It works either way.

Mmmnm no.

I’m not talking about wanting children or not.
I’m talking about the fact that all of the benefits of having children aren’t guaranteed. You can’t guarantee that you’ll have a good relationship with your child, that you won’t become estranged, that you’ll enjoy being a parent, that it won’t limit your life etc. By not having kids you guarantee you’ll have more money, you guarantee you won’t be limited in where you can go etc.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

AcornAutumn you sound far too nice for your own good.

I sincerely hope you have the finance to employ some help for your parent, to at least free some of your own time and allow you to have a life.

The worst thing would be believe it's too late for you. It really isn't.

You are missing the point

I have a life. I am not one of those "too nice" people.

But the emotional burden is huge.

I don't know what you mean by "too late". That isn't something I said. I said my youth was gone, but that's just a fact.

@CounsellorTroi

You often read threads on here from people who want another baby and their youngest child is a teen. So yes I can see circumstances where family spread would be 30 years.

But that's a choice. If you are someone who values your own time, and wants to minimise the years where you have dependent children, it is not difficult to plan your family accordingly.

Negatives - the guilt at having other peoples children care for you either in a care home, at home. Guilt if you need the nhs, police or any public service. If everyone remained child free by choice there would be nobody to do those things.
The guilt you will feel that other people’s children are supporting the economy and providing you with a state pension ( any money you paid in was not ring fenced but spent years previously)
Loneliness and regret especially if your parent dies.
Obviously those who were unable to have children would have no need to feel guilty as it was not their choice.
Positives you can be selfish with everything time , money etc. Not really something to aspire to.

Yoshinori

By not having kids you guarantee you’ll have more money, you guarantee you won’t be limited in where you can go etc.

not necessarily. You only speak about people who don't have children because they don't want to. You are generalising too much.

And you also assume that everybody would have the same life with or without children.

Some people only focus on their career because they couldn't have children.
Or push through because of their kids, but wouldn't have bothered if they didn't have a family to support.

You assume that no children is seen as a freedom for everybody. When it's not by choice, it can't be.

AcornAutumn

oh sorry, your post was all about burden and youth being gone. I misunderstood.
It didn't sound like a happy post, that's all. The emotional burden would be the same wherever you lived though.

I respect anyone’s choice to be child free. I think it’s a really positive step that women are questioning this idea we’re sold that marriage and family is the thing to do.

However, lots of the pro’s listed are things people with children can also do. I had both DC young and never had any more so I was “free” by 40. Most of the pros listed are things I’m also able to do.

What I will say is now my DC are adults they are very good friends as well as my children. If I get into a random obscure foreign show on Netflix and enjoy it, I know I can recommend it to my DD and she will also enjoy it (no one else in my life would!). She likes exploring new places with me. DS is always up for board games or just random chats about anything and everything. We never argue and just have so much in common that I’ve never really found with friends. Whether it’s nature/nurture or a bit of both I don’t know. But I’m glad we have that.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Negatives - the guilt at having other peoples children care for you either in a care home, at home. Guilt if you need the nhs, police or any public service. If everyone remained child free by choice there would be nobody to do those things. The guilt you will feel that other people’s children are supporting the economy and providing you with a state pension ( any money you paid in was not ring fenced but spent years previously) Loneliness and regret especially if your parent dies. Obviously those who were unable to have children would have no need to feel guilty as it was not their choice. Positives you can be selfish with everything time , money etc. Not really something to aspire to.

What drivel. I couldn’t have children, but even had I chosen not to, I worked, paid and pay taxes towards things I don’t use or receive - schools, free child prescriptions and dental treatment, child benefit, tax credits, government subsidised child care. Why on earth should I then feel guilty about using public services?

@CounsellorTroi you shouldn’t feel guilt at all, you could not have children.
For those that that chose not to if everyone else made the same decision there would not be any young people alive to care for people and sustain the economy.

MyDcAreMarvel why on earth would people feel guilty about those things? Do people with children feel guilty about the impact on finite resources? Climate change? I don't. Do people who birth criminals feel guilty about the choices their children make?

For those that that chose not to if everyone else made the same decision there would not be any young people alive to care for people and sustain the economy.

And that would a issue for an extremely short period of time! And the earth would be better off in the not much longer term.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

AcornAutumn

oh sorry, your post was all about burden and youth being gone. I misunderstood.
It didn't sound like a happy post, that's all. The emotional burden would be the same wherever you lived though.

No, the emotional burden would be different. If i lived far, far across the globe, I wouldn't have been informed about most of the things that went on.

If I had done this when I was young, my parents would not have formed such an attachment to me as an adult as well. Which would have saved me a lot of horribleness.

That aside, I'm not child friendly and not a family person. Children are children for such a long time as well! When my friends' DC were little, it felt like phase went on forever.

I'm afraid I have told my younger friends - my days of dealing with children are over! There will be no more nappies in my bin, and no worrying about little toddler heads bumping into things in my flat.

Last time someone brought toddlers here, I had to lie down for an hour after they'd gone! 😂

I never had biological children but we inherited a niece and nephew a few years ago who are now teenagers.

I never wanted children, not because I'm materialistic or liked exotic holidays, or was too immature to cope with responsibility or too emotionally shallow to know true love. I just didn't want them and felt as strongly about that as my sister who really wanted them.

My life, my husbands life, has been good. We have both worked abroad, we have time for each other and we have a great group of friends. We've volunteered to build schools in Africa, have sponsored children and have both been school governors. Before our niece and nephew came to live with us full time we frequently looked after them, took them on days out and holidays and supported them.

I don't know if we would have done as much as we have to help support lots of children had we had our own - but somehow I doubt it because we would not have had the time or the headspace. It doesn't make us inherently superior to parents, but nor does being childfree make us a moral vacuum.

I'm not a great believer in unconditional love. I didn't love my mother and she didn't love me. I know I love my dad, my husband, my dog and the teenagers and that's good enough for me. I have no desire to give birth just to see if I can feel unconditional love.

As we got older we made choices about how we wanted to live in the next phase of our lives and so we moved to Cornwall from London and made choices about our careers. Neither of us have ever been wild party animals, but as we get older our lives naturally change. That's the case whether you're a parent or not.

My life is not, has not been, and will never be less fulfilling and less worthy than someone who has biological children. I've never been family oriented and frankly, apart from my dad, wouldn't care if I never saw another family member again. I don't believe that having children of my own would have changed my mind that my brother is a complete and utter twat and my mother a toxic waste dump of a human being.

Life is just different with children

Basically this ^^ in a nutshell. I had DD at 41 (infertility issues, plus I was ambivalent about having children anyway).

I had ticked the going out, foreign holidays, career achievements boxes, and when I unexpectedly found myself pregnant I was ready for the next stage of my life.

For me having DD meant that my life was different – not better, not worse, just different.

I would add that you never stop worrying about your children, no matter how old they are or how independent they are.

I don’t judge people for not wanting children, nor do I judge them for wanting them. I don’t understand people who want a large family though. The drudgery it brings is not for me.

I don’t judge people for not wanting children, nor do I judge them for wanting them. I

I tell you who,I judge though - people who think that childfree or childless people should feel guilty for using public services that we have paid towards. And I would like to remind that person that my taxes have contributed to her being able to receive post and antenatal care on the NHS, give birth on the NHS, her child benefits, her children's education, their health and care since they were born.

This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die

This is the bullshit .... If you haven't experienced unconditional love for anyone unless & until you've had your own child, I suggest that you might have had a fairly unfeeling life.

I would call it a feral untamed love

Some mothers on MN fetishize their relationship with their children. Claiming they'd kill/die for them, throw their partners under a bus because they love their children so desperately

I find it bizarre.

I have one DD whom I love very much. Not more or less than my DH. I also love my sister and my mother. They all enrich my life.