Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

These threads always go the same way:

OP: Can childfree people tell me how they feel about not having children?
Childfree people: give honest responses
People with children: poke their noses in and get defensive. Trot out gems like childfree people are materialistic and will never know true love and don't really have a family. Oh and how dare childfree people say not having children is great - having children is the best!

If OP wanted opinions from people with children she would have asked for them.

I felt the same as you until my early 30’s when I met my partner. I was in two minds but thought he would make a good dad and might like them. He never mentioned it or pressurised me. But I saw how lovely he was playing with my friends DD so I brought it up saying I wasn’t sure. As he had been married before (no children) and we wanted to get married in church the vicar gave us homework to discuss certain subjects such as this. We got married when I was 35 and we decided to try for a baby and see what happened, but if it didn’t happen we wouldn’t be disappointed. However, I was disappointed each month it didn’t happen. We went for investigations and lost two babies. I had DS age 38 (still worrying whether or not I could do it and could be a good mum all the time I was pregnant). Then also had DD at 39. Once they were here I absolutely loved them to bits, I enjoyed them and loved being a mum. It was very hard work but doable. But now mid 50’s I have two teenagers. DS 17 is fine now and I am confident he is a lovely, thoughtful young man. I am sure he will go off to Uni have a fantastic career and a good life. But I doubt he will live near us or we will see or hear much of him. DD almost 16 is absolutely dreadful she has challenged us more than I thought was possible. I have made mistakes as a mum and I am really struggling with her. I think as soon as she can afford to she will move out and we will see or hear even less from her.
So I think biologically we should have had children sooner and I might have coped better with teenagers (but possibly not).
Friends who don’t have children have had quieter lives, nicer less messy homes, nicer holidays, a better lifestyle and are retiring much earlier than we will be able too. They also seem to have always kept in touch with friends (with and without kids). Whereas, we seemed to go off the radar having children later (parents were too old to help babysit to allow us a social life) and life was just too busy doing things with the kids and taking them to parties and activities etc.
Much as I love my kids and I know we would have had a very different life without them. Lonelier and less full in one sense but perhaps not in another sense. I couldn’t say hand on heart that if you were in two minds about having children that you would definitely regret it.

Yes rawlike sushi parents will have more time once their children are independent but

• that often takes 25-30 years depending on family spread (or longer given the age adult children stay at home until these days)
• is based on having DC without SNs who don’t require ongoing care or assisted living for life
• not having to look after grandchildren

Even without any of those complications you will naturally still always put your children first. It’s what parents do. Those of us who are child free can put partners/ parents/ siblings/ nieces and nephews first as we don’t have the same pull to always prioritise our own children even when they’re adults.

Time is only one aspect of why I’m child free but it’s an important one in my life.

@TreacleHart

I'm always a bit at the argument /pros for children, that you won't have anyone to look after you when you get old. Does everyone really think that their children will drop there own life / job/ children to look after them ? Do you really have that expectation of them ?

I don't think anyone has kids so that they'll look after them in their old age.

But since the thread title is quite specific, it will come up.

I don't want my kids providing any sort of personal care but I like to think they'll visit, check in if they haven't heard from me for awhile, rally round in a crisis, advocate for me if I'm incapacitated.

My mum has been in hospital for weeks, and is in a bed next to another elderly woman who doesn't appear to have any family. I go and wave through the window, drop off things she needs or to make her stay more comfortable, call her, ask staff for updates or clarification, chase things up that aren't happening as they should. My mum says that the other lady hasn't had any contact from anyone at all, in all that time. I think that's maybe what people mean when they talk about their kids looking after them when they're older.

SandyY2K

Surely you must realise that it's not just a conscious decision, it's also being financially independent.

Not everyone can easily keep their usual holidays and outings, AND pay for a babysitter and family holidays and outings 🤷

Plus I don't think that enjoying spending time with your own kids make you lose your individuality either, life with them is such a short time anyway.

Yes rawlike sushi parents will have more time once their children are independent but

that often takes 25-30 years depending on family spread

30 YEARS? that's a VERY spread family there 😂

@eaglejulesk

Children makes family. Family is everything.

Rubbish. You obviously don't spend much time on MN or you would see just how toxic some people's families are. Friends you choose, family you don't.

Incidentally, as an "only" child with no children I am perfectly happy. When my DF is no longer around I will have no close family, but I don't expect it to make any difference to my life at all.

This attitude is so unusual. Some families can be a nightmare obviously but for most people family brings you security, support and happiness. I think not having children is a valid choice and maybe a sensible one but of course there are things that you will miss out on. That's not judgment on your choice...it's just a fact. Personally I think the childfree posters on here are coming across as very defensive. I'm a mum but can see the positives of not being so why not vice versa?

There’s no way you can go on holiday and claim it’s the same as when you did not have kids 🤣🤣🤣 it can be enjoyable yes in a different way. It’s certainly not like a girls holiday or anything of the sort!

"If OP wanted opinions from people with children she would have asked for them."

Apologies. I didn't realise op only wanted opinions from child free people.

I agree that children or not EVERYONE needs to make plans for their old age and get the legal paperwork done. It can be done anytime up until you lose capacity but the earlier the better really and it only comes in to force when you lose capacity.

It's heartbreaking at work (social worker with older adults) when children have a really clear idea what their mum or dad wants but we can't carry it out due to the legal framework by which we are bound. If they had power of attorney we could do.

You often read threads on here from people who want another baby and their youngest child is a teen. So yes I can see circumstances where family spread would be 30 years.

@BaruFisher

Yes rawlike sushi parents will have more time once their children are independent but

• that often takes 25-30 years depending on family spread (or longer given the age adult children stay at home until these days)
• is based on having DC without SNs who don’t require ongoing care or assisted living for life
• not having to look after grandchildren

Even without any of those complications you will naturally still always put your children first. It’s what parents do. Those of us who are child free can put partners/ parents/ siblings/ nieces and nephews first as we don’t have the same pull to always prioritise our own children even when they’re adults.

Time is only one aspect of why I’m child free but it’s an important one in my life.

🤔 of course parents prioritise their children.....very odd remark🙄 Everyone has the same amount of ‘time’ , there are 24 hours in everyone’s day...it’s how we choose to spend it...... today I am choosing to look after my 2 little grandaughters while my daughter is at work....it will not be a ‘complication’ as you choose to put it.....it will be an absolute joy...a fun filled day......goodbye

@4redSocks

There’s no way you can go on holiday and claim it’s the same as when you did not have kids 🤣🤣🤣 it can be enjoyable yes in a different way. It’s certainly not like a girls holiday or anything of the sort!

Flying or long car journeys with small children don’t look like huge fun to me, though I’m sure the holiday itself is. Whereas if you don’t have kids it’s all part of the holiday.

A misunderstanding perhaps kitkat151- that was my point- parents will naturally prioritise their children, I can’t imagine it would be any other way.
This means child free people can often prioritise others who wouldn’t be top of anyone else’s list at times- e g I (child free) and my sister (who had not had any children at that stage) were able to support my mother through the death of my father much more than my other siblings who had children to care for.
That was not my siblings fault but it was good for my mum to have people who could put her first. And good for my sister and I to help us through our grief.

For me not having children allows me time more than anything. Time to pursue other interests. Time to spend with DH on our relationship, time to spend with my aging parents, time to spend with friends, siblings, nieces and nephews.

I have children and I have time to do all the things you said here and more. My children mean the world to me, but I also have my own life.

Having children does not mean your life revolves around them 24/7 and you lose your identity as a human being.

If that is some people's perception, I can understand why they would opt for a childfree life.

@peanutbuthead

I would have thought ifs unlikely anyone looks back on their life and wishes they'd never had their kids

Apart from those that I described above copies below.

For those who have children that have brought stress to them, made poor life choices, have health conditions that unfortunately impact on the family, are uncaring, ungrateful, unappreciative, rude, get into trouble and criminal activity, then of course they may well see the negatives and regret having children.

But they will have their own lives. They may be living on the other side of the world by the time you are older.

It really depends on the children. I had a colleague who talked about emigrating to Oz, but her DH said with his ageing parents in the UK, so he didn't want to move. She fully understood his POV and they didn't go.

I reiterate....
Having child or choosing to be childfree is a choice. Make your choice and be happy with it.

You don't need to justify your choice by being negative towards the opposite choice.

Childfree by choice people don't need to make out having children is a life of hell, misery and poverty....implying that having kids is a senseless, idiotic thing to do.

People who have children should not say or imply that not having children makes you miserable, incomplete and with no sense of enjoyment in life, just because you chose not to reproduce.

Both extremes are ridiculous.

It's an individual choice and should be respected. My only comment here is people having children, when they clearly don't have the finances, support and ability to give the child a good life...but that's also their choice.

I didn’t set out to be a parent but am one now. It shocked me in those early years that your world could contract so much. At the same time your emotions expand beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Love for a child is like nothing in the world.

But...

If you don’t have one, you won’t know and so won’t miss it. If my life had gone differently and I hadn’t had children I don’t think I would have regretted it, there is literally a world of possibilities - and often as a parent it is constraining not being free to make ‘selfish‘ choices (such a loaded word - I mean choices right for you alone).

Unless you ache for them (or think you will) don’t have them, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about their choices - it’s your life to live.

@CounsellorTroi on a serious note nothing can prepare you for motherhood to some extent. I do feel if people were told the brutal reality perhaps they would think twice before going on to have more kids.

I’ve done long haul with DS at 19 months it was HORRENDOUS on the plane going he wouldn’t settle but flying back home was a lot better. It does get easier but still I can’t read a book on the beach and keep watch of DS at the same time!

Flying or long car journeys with small children don’t look like huge fun to me, though I’m sure the holiday itself is. Whereas if you don’t have kids it’s all part of the holiday.

it's all in the planning. It's not the hardship some people would make you think it is. It's part of the holiday for us too 🤷

I am a childless man. I have regrets. I have to confess that since my niece and nephew came along I find myself wondering what might have been, wondering what they'd have been like if they'd been mine. Seeing them can be bittersweet. Meeting up with friends with children always leaves my sad after they've gone.

Why didn't I have children? My partner didn't want them, my career didn't offer any stability and I've struggled with depression. It wouldn't have been fair to bring a child into that. Overall I've sort of made peace with being childless, but I do feel I've missed out on some respects.

I’ve got four children. I always wanted children growing up so that I could have my own bustling family one day when I’m old. My nan always loved having her children, their partners, and the mix of grandchildren over and as a child I loved being in a house full of cousins and aunts and uncles. I guess I wanted to replicate that experience. Families tend to gradually split as younger members have their own family units. I didn’t want to be alone as my parents and grandparents started to pass away.

I can see plenty of daily life pros in not having children though, especially right now! I think if you have plenty of money, a rewarding career and solid life partner being childless is probably a lovely thing.

I have kids. I also have friends.

I am more puzzled by the large amount of MN posters who dislike friendships and people, take wedding invitations as a personal attack and the worst chore of the century, who resent inviting friends for diner, feel bitterly taken for a ride if someone asks to spend a night or 2 and have vapours at the idea of spending a night in somebody else's house.

It's a choice, I just really cannot understand it.

These people seem a lot more lonely than anyone with or without children to me.

The thing is neither choice is perfect...despite what some posters try to say. Either way, you're missing out on something, like all decisions in life.

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace

The benefits are way too numerous for me to list.

The negatives? Can't think of any.

This

It's also good to know no one will ever find me a burden the way my parents were/are to me.

Some posters have mentioned having someone to care for you later and indeed my mum has said it to me. But it is a terrible, terrible burden no matter how it is handled and could take up years of your life.

I knew not to have children but by god, if someone had warned me about the burden of parents, I would have amended life accordingly.

Sorry, that became a rant. But it is perhaps a benefit no one mentions, that you will never be a burden.

it's all in the planning. It's not the hardship some people would make you think it is. It's part of the holiday for us too 🤷

I think it depends. You can plan all you like but sometimes young children just don't feel like traveling, or the pressure hurts their ears, or just want to run around when they need to be sat- no matter how many fun activities you've prepped.

And being delayed on a flight is considerably easier if there's just you. A friend was sat on a plane for 4 hours on the runway before they eventually took off- she had her 4month with her and didn't have enough nappies or formula and couldn't get off the plane to buy any, there was no chemists in the airport either. She'd packed more than enough for the journey, plus extra just in case but a 3 hour delay in the airport and 4 hours on the plane before take off, I can't imagine how she must have felt!

I don't have kids and neither does a close friend of mine. I once told her that I worried I would have no one to look after me when I got old. My friend is an occupational therapist and has worked with lots of older people being discharged from hospital. She says it's remarkable how many people's children don't take much interest in their parent's care.