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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that people shouldn't have children if they can't afford them?

203 replies

ideamummy · 30/10/2007 14:44

I ask this as I'm dealing with a case at the moment of a woman who for various reasons is being charged for her health treatment. She is 21 and on her third pregnancy, she has no employment, no means of supporting these children and yet seemingly does not use contraception. It makes me so mad. We've waited three and a half years to have a second child because before that we just couldn't afford it. Why do some people think it's okay to have kids with no means to support them?

OP posts:
OozingSlashesFromTigerFeet · 30/10/2007 16:03

I will freely admit I claim Child Benefit and CTC. Does that make me a hypocrite

DH and I are doing the best we can to manage on the money we have coming in. Perhaps we should think "sod it, lets have another child", be unable to pay the mortgage, end up homeless and on benefits

Eddas · 30/10/2007 16:04

where's ideamummy gone

Think you've all scared her off

scorpio1 · 30/10/2007 16:05

i know when we pay for dss, the money gets taken out of DM payments, iyswim, plus an allowance of £10 or something? we wish it wasnt this way, so she could have the extra IYSWIM? so to onlookers it might appear dp doesnt support becuase there is little extra. IYSWIM?

TheQueenOfQuotes · 30/10/2007 16:05

excuse me......where did I say I was claiming benefits?? We didn't qualify for anything other than TC and CB.......which you don't claim - obviously............

OrmIrian · 30/10/2007 16:05

No. YANBU. They should be able to afford them. But once we've agreed on that, where do you go with the argument? If the children are there they have to be supported, be it the state or the family.

dee24 · 30/10/2007 16:06

I was unempployed and on benefits for a while, the discrimination when you apply for jobs in unbelieveable. I got turned down by many employers for no reason (one of them included morrisons how embarrassing!) Thankfully i am now working so have a bit of cash to enjoy myself, being on benefits ain't fun (well if you use the money to pay bills and treat your kids, as it should be!)
But due to my struggle to find a job, I can totally understand why those with children under 5 don't work. If kids are at school and they're still not working well that would pee me off.
My mum and dad had 6 of us and received benefits quite a lot, they were skint but my mum loved kids. But they saved every spare penny up as much as possible to treat us at xmas and to take us on a family holiday to butlins. I don't agree with not having kids of you have little money, most people who receive benefits spend them on their bills/children. Unfortunatly the ones who don't make a bad name for eveyone else.

AnAngelWithin · 30/10/2007 16:06

i will not post.....i will not post.....i will not post.....

OozingSlashesFromTigerFeet · 30/10/2007 16:06

Agree with expat. Both parents share the responsibility. Obv.

expatinscotland · 30/10/2007 16:07

yes, those ignorant Flora users should all be forced to do community service for their moral debauchery.

how dare they rely on benefits?

what's it to them that they will never be able to have a mortgage, because no matter what, they won't be able to make enough money to buy a place even if they worked all the hours God sends running on a wheel to generate electricity for da Master.

get real!

you don't know this woman's true situation, so why judge her just because you had different things happen to you in your life?

jenkel · 30/10/2007 16:08

Of course, there are deserving people who need the benefit system and nobody would wish to deprive them of that, but I just feel that we are too much of a nanny state and there are a few people who have the attitude that if we cant do it the state will do if for us.

We personally waited (a lot longer than I had bargained for) to have kids, I wanted to stay at home to look after them and there it took a while for dh to get a well paid job to enable me to stay home.

But when you see kids of 16 popping out babies like goodness knows what it just make me a tiny bit sick.

My cousin (same age as me) got his girlfriend pregnant when the were 16, by the time they were 24 they had 5 kids and a 4 bedroom council house, I was renting as we couldnt afford a deposit for a house and saving like mad to get on the housing ladder, he was unemployed, even though he done well at school and could have done well at uni if he had stuck at things. DH and I were working all hours to make ends meet. Now, we have a nice house and a nice life, he still isnt working. Got to admit at the time I was really jealous of him.

expatinscotland · 30/10/2007 16:09

but we don't KNOW this woman's full situation.

it's also so unprofessional to discuss specific cases from work on a public forum like that.

rahrahrahrahrah · 30/10/2007 16:09

Its all relative though isn't it? We couldn't really afford to have ds but everyone said if you wait until you can afford it you will never have children. Having said that we support ourselves and have a good income and lifestyle by some peoples standards but we now have debts hanging over us that we didn't have until we had children.

I have family members that have chosen to get pregnant even though they cannot financially support themselves. I think they have chosen to have more children because they want to and because we live in a welfare state they are able to do so. I don't really have a opinion on the issue tbh. Sometimes it makes me cross that there are families with 8 children living on benefits and being housed by the council whereas we know that we can't afford to have more than two children unless we want to sleep top to toe and yet on the other hand we could all choose to live their way if we wanted to but thankfully I am a little more ambitious than that and want more for my family.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 30/10/2007 16:10

(pssst Expat - you do know I was joking don't you) worried

NoNameToday · 30/10/2007 16:10

I apologise TheQueenOfQuotes, I misinterpreted your post.

scorpio1 · 30/10/2007 16:10

so if teenage parents are earners its not so bad? i was pg at school, had db when i was just 17. now have 4 a-levels and a (near-finish soon) degree, and am now pg with db3 at 22.

we were never on benefits, although do have CB and CTC. So are we let off, even though we were teenagers??

expatinscotland · 30/10/2007 16:10

of course i do, QoQ .

i'm never gonna live that Flora biz down

Lorayn · 30/10/2007 16:13

I used to know a girl who slept with most of the lads on our estate, had 4 children by the age of 19 and still wouldnt use contraception, after giving up one of her children for adoption, she fell pregnant again, I think she is on child number 6 now from yet another one night stand.

Now that I think is bang out of order, but I know other people who fell pregnant accidentally (its amazing how hard the pill is to use properly without the right caution) and find it bloody hard to find work that fit in with school hours, especially as they dont drive. There are only so many jobs that are 10-2 in the afternoon that really make it worthwhile working for people on benefits.

FWIW, When I split with my childrens father I was claiming benefits, but I got a job at my local bakery, the only job nearby, I used to have to walk (dont drive and there are no buses that g that route) for twenty minutes to take dd to school, then a further ten minutes to take DS to nursery, then a further ten minutes to my work, when I finished work I would walk to the school (10mins), back to the nursery (10mins) and back home (anotehr 20 mins) I recieved about an extra £20 per week, so I can totally understand why some people would not put all that effort into a job that wasnt making much difference to them financially.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 30/10/2007 16:13

phew - thought perhaps the hormones were already kicking in hard and fast .

Now I must get back to sorting my DS's all of which were conceived while we were skint.........

OozingSlashesFromTigerFeet · 30/10/2007 16:13

you know what? I know I am lucky to be able to afford a house. We live in an area where houses were still affordable 7 yrs ago when we bought ours.

However, being in a position to be able to get a mortgage 7 years ago has left us now in a position where we can't afford another child.

Is that really so bad?

To look on multiple child families (whether on benefits or not) and be sad and envious because what you want MORE THAN ANYTHING is another child, but you can't afford one?

Elizabetth · 30/10/2007 16:13

What is it with these posts in AIBU broadcasting people's private circumstances for everybody to judge?

Ideamummy, you are a professional and these cases are private - you may have your own private opinions about them, but you have no right to use them as topics on a talkboard. This woman and her family have a right to privacy the same as everybody else.

Blandmum · 30/10/2007 16:15

Has this woman been named? or identified in some way?

If not, then she still does have her privacy

TheQueenOfQuotes · 30/10/2007 16:15

but oozing - we "couldn't afford" DS2 or DS3......but I can't say that our financial position has worsened significantly because we had them (although our debts have increased a lot since DS2 was born - but that wasn't due to having children it was due to a failed business venture - so we'd be in the same position without the DS's factored in).

scorpio1 · 30/10/2007 16:16

my hormones QoQ? yeah i know.... must rein them in!

Bectheneck · 30/10/2007 16:17

Quote By OozingSlashesFromTigerFeet on Tue 30-Oct-07 16:03:51
'I will freely admit I claim Child Benefit and CTC. Does that make me a hypocrite?

DH and I are doing the best we can to manage on the money we have coming in. Perhaps we should think "sod it, lets have another child", be unable to pay the mortgage, end up homeless and on benefits'

Why don't you? You seem to hold the view that it's such a wonderful lifestyle? And if I'm not mistaken CTC are benefits but just given out by the tax office rather than the DSS. Nothing to be ashamed of by receiving it though.

TheQueenOfQuotes · 30/10/2007 16:18

not you, you plonker (ooo haven't used that word in a while LOL) - miss expatinfloraland up there