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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reusing sons name for new baby

145 replies

Cheator · 28/01/2021 12:51

My ExP is having a baby with his partner. All is well, we get along great and I am really happy for them and excited for DS that he will soon have a baby brother.

We were chatting about names this morning and he mentioned some that he is thinking of for the new baby, but he is reusing DS middle name as a middle name for the new baby. So say our son is Daniel Jack, the new baby will be called Thomas Jack (not the actual names).

AIBU to think it's slightly weird? Doesn't affect my life in any way shape or form, it's not an issue, just wondered if people agree with me or wether it's a normal thing to do.

Yes I am bored and nope I am lucky enough to not have much else to worry about right now.

OP posts:
helpIhateclothesshopping · 29/01/2021 21:25

I don't think reusing a middle name is that odd.

AndcalloffChristmas · 29/01/2021 21:35

Middle name I think is fine. And yes, a nice link and maybe new tradition?

First name would be weird!

Celestine70 · 29/01/2021 23:32

If you don't like it just tell him.

NalaJayne · 29/01/2021 23:33

@Cheator

Seems it's a fairly common occurrence then, I just thought he had no imagination!

I wouldn't dream of commenting, it's none of my business after all.

Maybe it was her choice, not his?

Either way, not that weird 🤷‍♀️

Onwednesdayswewearblack · 29/01/2021 23:42

How boring, can't they think of another name between them. I went to school with a girl called Lauren Michelle, her sister was called Michelle Lauren. At 10 years old I felt that lacked imagination.

Harmonypuss · 30/01/2021 00:24

WINKINGatyourage ... It’s a middle name. It will never be used. Dont give it a second thought.

Actually, a great many people are actually known by their middle names rather than their first. Across my extended family and friends I know no less than 7 people who have grown up being called by their middle names, including my ex-BIL and my partner.

Going back to the OP's question, I would be mortified and was when I gave my younger son the middle name 'James' to pay homage to my dad's adoptive parents because they didn't have any other children and my parents had 2 girls so their/our surname wouldn't be carried on after my sister and I. I told my sister my reason for naming my son as I had,
then a few years later when she gave birth, she 'stole' the name and gave it a a first name to her son and proceeded to tell everyone that it was to pay homage to our grandparents - cheeky cow!

IwishIwasBrave · 30/01/2021 03:04

I think it s weird to an extent. Got the same issue. My partner has 3 sons with his ex and all have the same middle name. Now he wants to do the same with our unborn baby, even if she is a girl. I keep on saying no, he can't accept it. I will have to give in, its such a hassle tbh.

CandyflossKid · 30/01/2021 04:35

My son has the same middle name as his half-brother. I've never really thought about it as it's not an issue. It's now a 'family' name I suppose

Monkeypeas · 30/01/2021 08:13

@IwishIwasBrave

I think it s weird to an extent. Got the same issue. My partner has 3 sons with his ex and all have the same middle name. Now he wants to do the same with our unborn baby, even if she is a girl. I keep on saying no, he can't accept it. I will have to give in, its such a hassle tbh.
You don’t have to give in if you don’t like it.

Also let guess. The assumption is that baby will have your partners surname?
How about just keeping it to the surname baby will be born with and identified on its hospital records as?

I.e. your surname, babys door and wrist bands will say Baby Boy / Girl Brave

So baby will be FirstName FamilyMiddleName Brave

Oysterbabe · 30/01/2021 08:18

I have the same middlename as my sister and my brothers have the same middlename as eachother, which is also my dad's middlename and my oldest brother has given it to his 2 sons aswell.
I think it's a pretty common thing to do.

TVDFan · 30/01/2021 08:24

My brother, sister and I all have a shared middle name. I've also give it to my DC. I hope one day that they'll pass it down to their own children. It would be lovely.

micc · 30/01/2021 08:31

My OHs cousins both have the same middle name. They are both girls and it's their grandads name! Haha, I thought it was odd when I first heard it but it is a nice way to connect them both. The more I thought about there more I thought there is nothing wrong with it

Imworthit · 30/01/2021 08:34

I think it’s sweet

SarahBellam · 30/01/2021 08:39

Both my kids have the same middle name. They got my ex DH surname but I wanted them to have my family name without double barrelling.

bemusedmoose · 30/01/2021 11:16

It's pretty common, like a family tradition. Most people I know either have fathers name as their middle name, a family middle name they all have or that the dad's middle name is the 1st sons name, the 1st son's middle name is the 2nd son's first name... It's a very traditional family link. Plus I think it's a nice way of tying families together.

My daughter has the middle name chosen for my son if he had been a girl. (huge gap between my kids as I remarried) they always ask about how their names were chosen and they love that their names are linked.

Hyperborean · 30/01/2021 12:09

I'm with those who think it a rather nice link between them, especially since both families seem to be on good terms.
I am old and cynical enough, however, to wonder if this happy situation will remain that way once the new baby arrives and a whole new dynamic, maybe including jealousy — either direction — is set up. On the other hand I'm also old and soppy enough to believe it entirely possible — maybe even likely — that they will find ways together to surmount any such problems and create a brrat big nurturing and suppprtuve wider family.
So, on balance, I'm with the 'think it's cute' crowd.
When I first saw the headline, though, I thought it might be about naming a child after a loss of a child and re-using the name/s for a subsequent one. While I can (I think) understand the urge to do this, including, perhaps, having a long-cherished plan for using a favourite name and understandably not being willing to lose that as well as the child it was planned for, I can't advise strongly enough against this, from personal experience.
A family I knew well did this, right down to using the planned middle name too. (For example, say, Albert Frederick Brown) This had the result for the second Albert Frederick Brown of growing up acutely aware of a family gravestone, one that he saw often, showing precisely that shared name, only with a death date just ten months before his own birth.
Some people might be able simply to shrug this off, but the person concerned never quite could, feeling themselves always to be merely a replacement for the first, much longed-for, baby. Perhaps it's not unusual for any subsequent sibling after loss of a child to have some of this fear, but using identical names can hardly have helped such a tough adjustment.
It had very serious consequences for this child and his psychological development. As a result he fought hard not just for the usual parental approval but to exceed any imagined expectations his parents might have had for the first Albert, and became an extreme exemplar of the belief that it is not enough to succeed: others must fail.
This intense inherent competitiveness, mixed with the weak self-worth underscored by his reaction to his name, sadly (if paradoxically) resulted in cruel egotist who despised almost everyone else, on some pretext or another, a massive snob who habitually delighted in using his high level of verbal acuity to sneer at anyone and everyone who failed to meet his own excessively high standards of achievement including, as a sort of in-house vehicle for his scorn, his marginally less academically brilliant younger brother. As a result he succeeded in passing on to another child a version of his own damage, in a mirror-image of a child who was made to believe he would always fail to succeed as much as his older brother, a weak egotist who developed, in turn, his own version of snobbery and habitual scorn, taking pleasure and finding excuses for sneering at others and bilittling their achievements, a habit that eventually played a large part in the breakdown of our marriage. (I knew he was damaged when we married; my own youthful egotism lay in imagining I could love him enough to make him whole.)
One apparently small decision; such a long trail of destruction
So while I'm not suggesting that any other family might contain the toxic mix of this already dysfunctional and emotionally fraught family, I’d still, nevertheless. strongly but respectfully suggest that anyone finding themselves in such an intense period of sadness and joy as the birth of a child after the loss of another should try to find a way, somehow, to say goodbye not just to the lost child but to the once-cherished names and instead use choose completely new names with which to celebrate in their new child the arrival of an entirely new identity with a future entirely their own. Anything else may put too high a burden on a child with a 'borrowed' name, risking a damaged ego and low sense of self-worth, even in the most nurturing family.
But I still think sharing middle names in a wider family can be a way of cementing the bonds within it. Or, as others have put it, cute!

4everhopeful · 30/01/2021 23:48

Me and my mum have the same middle name which I never gave much thought, but do quite like. Literally as I'm writing this, and my mum has end stage alzheimers, I wish I'd thought of passing it down to my daughter! (Except her middle names are quite perfect). I did however give my son my late Dad's name as a middle name.

Stirling2701 · 10/02/2021 08:11

I knew a family who were very strict Catholics. They had six children. One was called Mary. All the other five children whether male or female had their middle name as Mary.

BigPaperBag · 10/02/2021 09:32

My ex did exactly did and I didn’t really care but though it was so weird. Our DS (had he been a girl) would have had the middle name Poppy and he used that as the first name for his daughter with another woman. The first name he was pushing for (which I thought was awful) he then used as the middle name for his DS with yet another woman.

Hope that makes sense.

NameChangeTooo · 10/02/2021 11:17

@BigPaperBag You make sense. Not sure the ex does.

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