To think a confidential issue should be kept confidential?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I'm dealing with an extremely emotional/sensitive issue at the moment which is very difficult for myself and my children.

Yesterday I contacted someone who I had been given as a helpful contact for people who find themselves in a similar situation.

I found him to be very blunt, which was OK in itself (although not very helpful when I'm so low), but he discussed the situation to a point and gave me his advice. I thanked him and ended the call.

Or so I thought. For whatever reason the call hadn't disconnected.

I then heard him saying to a woman: "Oh fuck. Do you think I shouldn't have said that?" He asked this question repeatedly. He then went on to discuss the details of the reason I had called.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

I agree with @OzziePopPop and @whitershadeofpale the abuse won't stop and will get aimed at dc and via that continue to be aimed at you. There are other strategies to mitigate the abuse towards you, if you said what had happened in the last 7 years. But no, it won't stop by you letting him have 100 pc residency.

On what basis is he asking for 100pc residency, or increasing his share of it?

How old are dc?

Would you say you are confused about things, or do you feel clear in your mind about what is happening and why and what your options are?

If he was a lawyer or counsellor, he prob usually discuses cases with colleagues for advice & another perspective. Counsellors have to have a supervisor who they talk to about how they're doing mentally & their cases as it can take a toll on their own MH. I'd assume he hasn't got that instant option WFH so his worry slipped out to whoever was there. He didn't name you tho so I wouldn't be upset. But we're all different. Try not to worry.

@whitershadeofpale Have you heard of something called Parental Alienation? Because my ex-husband is so angry at me for leaving he feeds the kids awful lies and they feel they have to give him what he wants. My 13 yo has suspected autism which makes it worse. He's being assessed. My other lad is nearly 11. I have a baby daughter with my fiancé and ex is furious about that too.

I've just written an article for a charity I'm supporting. Currently PA is not recognised by the Family Courts. Here it is...

Parental Alienation - A Mother's Story

One morning in March 2014, upon the advice of a solicitor, I left my now ex-husband with the hope (perhaps a little naively) that the abuse I had endured for many years - financial, physiological and emotional - would stop. Most importantly, I finally recognised that living in such a toxic environment was damaging to my two boys - just 3 and 6 at the time. Things would get better.

How wrong I was.

My ex-husband was awarded 50/50 care of the children despite my warnings that this would exacerbate the suffering of us all. I compiled a detailed 9-page document outlining in detail the abuse and control endured over many years. It was ignored. I was even told by a police officer to "show the bruises." They were not external.

My children are now 10 and 13 and both suffer with significant attachment and mental health issues. My ex-husband is now applying for yet more contact so he would become primary carer. Due to ongoing alienation to meet his own ends, this is likely to be awarded. The children have been so greatly manipulated over such a long period that the "master" has spoken through his "puppets". They live in fear of rejection so must utter his words and not theirs.

Asides from the most damaging effects of coercive control, financial abuse also continues. Due to my ex-husband taking me to court repeatedly, we remain in privately rented accommodation which has been the case since I left. This case alone will have cost in the region of £35,000, if not more. I am no longer in the position to be able to buy a suitable property for my family as the divorce settlement money has been drained.

To date "professionals" involved in our case have included - but not limited to - the police, counsellors, Early Help, General Practitioners, Health Visitors, Cafcass, Clinical Psychologists, a Child Guardian, solicitors and barristers.

Not one has recognised Parental Alienation. Many have fully minimised our experiences. The perpetual cycle of abuse continues. Some days it is almost too much to bear.

As a loving mother, who has endured enough, there will come the fateful day when yet again I am forced to witness my beautiful children slipping further away into the control of an abuser. I grieve as if my children have passed away but with the pain of knowing they are still alive.

Change will come too late for us but I write this with the hope that it is made in time for others.

I am so sorry to hear all that. Parental alienation is rare apparently, though the courts and professionals are more than aware of it - I have heard anecdotally that many abusive men use it falsely to try to get more contact as part of ongoing abuse. Every abusive person I have known would play games like this. A parent who is abusing the other parent and using the children as pawns will be capable of both using charm and also inducing fear and placation in the child, there is very little chance a child is going to challenge someone they are afraid of. Psychologists recognise this, abusive people using their children as pawns, have seen articles about it. Is there anything else, is he saying anything about you to support his case and that is why you weren't believed?

If you get this moved to or start a thread in Relationships there will be a lot of people who have experienced this sort of thing who would be able to provide support and possibly advice you haven't thought of. There are women who stayed with abusive ex for exactly and only this reason, because they knew that this was the sort of thing which would happen.

I think you need to not give in though. Because you are right, this is all about you, and even if you give in to this, there will be more and different things to come, until the dc are fully grown. It depends a bit on what the boys are saying about you/where they want to live to the professionals, but I think you need to fight to keep your role as joint carer, and when you are with the boys focus just on them and forget the legal battle. Your boys will benefit from you fighting to keep them. There is a lot of therapeutic one on one work you could do with them to help them with attachment and trauma, there are clinical psychologists who specialise in this area.

I think you might have been let down by your chosen professionals too, but it is impossible to say for sure.

Can you get this moved to Relationships? Anyone who has been through this will recognise it all straightaway.