To think a confidential issue should be kept confidential?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I'm dealing with an extremely emotional/sensitive issue at the moment which is very difficult for myself and my children.

Yesterday I contacted someone who I had been given as a helpful contact for people who find themselves in a similar situation.

I found him to be very blunt, which was OK in itself (although not very helpful when I'm so low), but he discussed the situation to a point and gave me his advice. I thanked him and ended the call.

Or so I thought. For whatever reason the call hadn't disconnected.

I then heard him saying to a woman: "Oh fuck. Do you think I shouldn't have said that?" He asked this question repeatedly. He then went on to discuss the details of the reason I had called.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

@Fucket

And this is why I don’t think people who work in sectors requiring their patients/or persons requiring their help should be allowed to work from home. I would not be happy and satisfied that they can 100% achieve the required privacy and confidentiality. There is no way for the patient/person receiving advice to check. There is no way for the employer to check. They should be key workers still going to their place of work and not WFH. It’s an astounding lack of professionalism and I would make a serious complaint.

I agree with you that this is unprofessional, but I don't see that it's specifically due to working from home. What's to stop anyone entrusted with confidential information who works in an office going home and sharing details with their partner, or anyone else?

@wheretonow123 She believes it is a wife's duty to look after her husband. She does literally everything for my dad.

Being able to maintain confidentiality is a trait some people seem very good at, others just cannot do it seems. Good job you found out that the person was one of the latter and will not trust them again.

The irony of complaining about confidentiality whilst eavesdropping.....

Not really, he did not hang up the phone, it would be different if OP had purposefully sought to eavesdrop.

Of course it's not professional, this is one of the major downsides of home working. If he had been in the office it is less likely he would have called whoever he lives with, or recounted it with such detail when home; it's hugely unprofessional. I would have called back and said hello it sounded like you had some uncertainty in what you had told me, can you please confirm you are content it was accurate, and I would also like some reasurrance of how you ensuring my information is kept confidential.

Well your ex sounds like a particularly nasty breed of twat. Well done you for leaving. Just to say about the confidentiality thing, it could be that if it was his partner or wife, they work in the same place or same field so she could've genuinely been able to advise him on whether or not what he said was appropriate. Good luck with everything!

@MaMaD1990 Leaving was a mistake I have to live with but again, hoping my counselling will help with that

Pretty surprised about the lack of expectation around confidentiality people have. It is one of the big issues about the wfh situation. Obviously if two people share a space you are going to hear some things but no way should they be actively discussing anything, even if it is advice/letting of steam.

I work in finance not social work/lawyer as discussed here but we are constantly getting reminders about confidentiality at home - try and work in separate rooms where possible and definitely don’t discuss cases/clients with people who don’t work for the company. We have even been told to switch off Alexa’s while we are working. One of many reasons why wfh is not productive but that’s for another thread

YANBU OP and I would be pissed off if I was you.

Good luck, nickname. What a tough time for you. I really hope the future is way, way better - and that it hurried along quickly. You deserve happiness and peace. 💐

OP some women stay just to protect the dc from things getting worse for the dc - do you regret not staying as if you had stayed you would have been around to protect your dc - is that what you mean? I can see that, but I don't agree with what your dm is saying - you have no duty to ex/partner, just to dc, imo.

Have you had legal advice about the risk your ex might pose to dc? Is this your main worry, that he will be emotionally abusive to them?

Why do you think a life time of it? Do you not think the coercive controlling behaviour via your dc is going to affect you only while they are young, as you try to protect them or minimise the problems? Why do you think you will never get away from it? Sorry if I missed that in one of your posts.

There are other women on here going through similar things, by the way, have you sought support via Relationships?

@conunundrum Coercive control isn't recognised in Family Court as you can't evidence. I've spent £35k so far....

@Familylawsolicitor I'm heartened to see things are changing. It will be too late for me, however. I now have to decide if it's in best interests to relinquish all contact for the sake of everyone involved. It's devastating.

When we say things are kept confidential we mean within our organisation. We discuss cases amongst each other. He was probably speaking to a coworker.

And we are still in the office with each other despite lockdown.

Sorry I voted YABU because I thought he was talking to a colleague. But if he was talking to a family member because he was WFH then YANBU. Confidentiality means you don’t discuss work issues with anyone outside of work. You don’t have to check in advance that confidentiality will be kept. If he was a professional he should be working to a professional code of conduct which automatically includes confidentiality. However to reassure you whoever he spoke to presumably wouldn’t have known your identity so in effect if he was discussing you as an anonymous case then your confidentiality would hopefully still be preserved to some extent. If however your identity could be recognised from what he said about you, for example if it is an unusual case and if the person could have worked out who you are, then he has definitely broken confidentiality. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong.

OP I absolutely understand the problem you have with the Family Courts, but that wasn't what I was asking. Firstly, if he has behaved like this to you, then he is likely to also be abusive to the DC - because abusive people are abusive - I asked if this was your worry - but you are now saying that you are thinking about cutting all contact (I assume you mean with the DC) for the good of all - how will this help your DC?

Is he wanting the court to agree for them to live with him f/t if so why, and what is his evidence, what makes you think he will succeed?

I also asked why you thought you had a lifetime of this? Do you mean it will affect you your whole life, or do you mean he will abuse you your whole life?

You don't have to answer any of that, obviously.

If you contacted him in a personal capacity, asking as a favour for instance, then it is something of a grey area. You could be seen to be contacting him informally, though as a professional he should respect confidentiality. If you had contacted him at his workplace/in his formal capacity then confidentiality is guaranteed (though professionals are allowed to seek advice from other professionals without it being a breach).

@conunundrum Because if he had them ft the weaponising of the children to hurt me would stop and I would stand a chance that the perpetual cycle of abuse towards me (I left him seven years ago) will finally stop.

So you'd be prepared for your children to be subject to abuse instead?- nice.

Op it won’t stop, it’ll just get redirected to the children. Abusive people don’t just stop cos they got their own way!

@whitershadeofpale What do you suggest I do? This case alone has cost me £35k with a likely outcome more custody will be awarded to dad.

@OzziePopPop I know that. The "professionals"don't recognise it.

I have no say in this.

Why would residency be given to the dad? There’s clearly some big gaps in this story and I can’t advice you properly without them, but I can say that I’d never suggest leaving your children to be abused.