To think my dad is right to give more of grandmother's inheritance to me and my brother than his 2 older kids?

[sadirahunet]

My grandma, my last living grandparent died a few months ago, however due to everything going on etc they are only really now dealing with the financial side of things. My mum and dad have struggled greatly throughout our whole lives, but have done their very best for us. Parents live in a council house, brother lives with them. I'm a single mum barely scraping by in a shitty private rental. Older half sibling's are significantly older (late teens when I was born) but from what I know dad was always around for them during their childhood and they both say he's been a brilliant dad. We're all close-knit. His choice regarding grandma's money only comes from a financial perspective of who he thinks needs the money more and isn't favouritism or prioritsing his second family etc. I am absolutely certain of that.

When both of my maternal grandparent's died in the same year, my parent's only got a few thousand which was swallowed up by general life things. As for my half-siblings, their mother owns a house which is in a very well-off town near us, easily worth 400k if not more. Granted she has gone on to have 1 more child with her husband so there's 3 kids to consider there. I don't know much about her parent's as obviously her and her parents are nothing to do with me, but I do know they are divorced and both own a house each, again in a well-off area with ridiculous prices. They are in their late 80s.

Dad is likely going to get about 60k (DGM has 7 kids). He wants to split it into 4 quarters. The plan is to keep 15k, give me and my brother 15k each, and split the last quarter between my half-siblings. He would like me and my brother to put it towards house deposits which we both intend to do. I know my dad, he adores us all and would do anything for all 4 of us. I know for a fact that this isn't favouritism. It's just that my half-siblings are likely going to benefit from inheriting money from 3 different houses worth 400k+ in the future, 2 of which will probably happen in the next few years. Whereas me and Dbro, this money from our grandma is literally it for all we will ever inherit unless our parents come into a huge windfall, which DHalfSiblings would benefit from as well anyway.

DHalfSis is absolutely fine with the arrangement and agrees it's fair considering the circumstances. However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card. Dad is very hurt and before all of this, we all got on brilliantly and there was never any kind of bitterness. AIBU to think there arrangement is fair and DHalfBro isn't considering the wider picture? I know for a fact if it was the other way round he'd have given DHalfSibling's more and rightly so.

I don't think it's awful. It's ok to give according to need.

Maybe your dad should keep half, just give you all £7k each, then gift you another £7k from his share for a deposit.

I have read about 4 pages of this thread and what comes across most to me is a response from many of resentment that you are getting an inheritance in the first place, though they may not realise it themselves. They seem very critical and annoyed with you and, secondly, your father, who seems to have good reasons for his carefully considered decision, from what you have said.

It is completely your father's decision about what to do with his own money and absolutely no-one else's. What he should not have done was tell anyone how he wanted to split it as, where finance is concerned, there is always resentment. He would have been better not to tell anyone how much he himself was going to inherit and asked you each (all 4 of you) to keep the amount of his gifts to you confidential too. That might have prevented this unpleasantness. It is odd that most of the people posting on here think he should be instructed by you on how he should have apportioned his money.

This is very common. Your dad should either give you all the same, or should not have told the older ones that you two are getting more. What did your dad and you expect them to react like?
It is not their fault that you are less well off and it is not their fault that they are more comfortable. Your grandmother also didn't actually leave the money to her grandchildren, it seems its been divided between her 7 children. So none of you 4 have any kind of claim or entitlement to it. Imo a good family relationship is worth more than money and it was foolish of your dad to do this as the dynamics probably won't be the same after this

My mum recently went in to a care home ...she had a house and a lot of money ..every penny is going to her care ..there will be none left for siblings or anyone else ..it’s the way it is ,you can’t think that you are going to get the money passed on to your half siblings from their mums side

Unless your parents have significant other funds, I would recommend he keeps the inheritance to pay for future care.

Your dad should of kept quiet about what he was doing ...

I've seen this situation happen before, and it always causes lasting bitterness. It's not worth it, it should always be split equally.

All children should be treated the same regardless of circumstances. Anything else is completely unfair.

This is why parents bend over backwards counting out cornflakes because "Johnny has one more".

Not everything has to be or should be completely equal.

If your younger child needed new clothes but the older one didn't, would you buy them both new clothes?

If you had one super academic child who could go to Oxbridge and another who wouldn't get into any uni, would you not let them go because it's not treating them "the same"?

Not saying that the siblings in the OP don't have an equal need for the money, we don't know enough really, but I really hate this whole idea of all siblings having to be treated exactly the same and bring given the same forever.

I’m of the opinion that you should treat all your children fairly, that doesn’t mean you have to treat them exactly the same though.
However all children should feel that they are treated fairly. It looks like in this case they do not. This will build up resentment between you all.
I would suggest that your dad thinks again.

YABU

@MrKlaw

I know technically its his money, but am I right in reading its your maternal grandmother’s inheritance? So it’d be going slightly more to her grandchildren and the half-siblings aren’t her grandchildren?

That would seem reasonable if seen as being from her than from your Dad.

Also the context you provide about the house etc are IMO important overall, but they may not see that - thats an indirect benefit when they were kids that they’ll likely dismiss even though its probably worth more than the difference they’re arguing about now

Eh? Why would someone leave money to their son in law rather than their own daughter.

No, you've not read it correctly.

@mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork

I have read about 4 pages of this thread and what comes across most to me is a response from many of resentment that you are getting an inheritance in the first place, though they may not realise it themselves. They seem very critical and annoyed with you and, secondly, your father, who seems to have good reasons for his carefully considered decision, from what you have said.

It is completely your father's decision about what to do with his own money and absolutely no-one else's. What he should not have done was tell anyone how he wanted to split it as, where finance is concerned, there is always resentment. He would have been better not to tell anyone how much he himself was going to inherit and asked you each (all 4 of you) to keep the amount of his gifts to you confidential too. That might have prevented this unpleasantness. It is odd that most of the people posting on here think he should be instructed by you on how he should have apportioned his money.

What thread are you reading?

I've mostly seen people commenting it's grossly unfair to treat his own children differently

Of course it's up to her dad what to do with his money. But it is unfair, it's already upset his son and likely the family rift will never heal.

The op seems to think this is all ok. She calls him 'whiny' and that if the roles were reversed she would be fine with it as it's 'right'.

That's why she's getting short shrift. She's posted for affirmation she's in the right to accept more money and is pissed she's not got that.

nanbread cornflakes and new clothes are not quite the same as large amounts of money! Especially when the father has told his children, which he didn't need to do.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with pps who say it should be an equal split if your DF insists on giving money to his children. No-one can know what is around the corner, and the older children might not get a big inheritance in the future, for all the reasons previously mentioned. They also could suffer misfortunate themselves. Your DF has four children, he should treat them equally in this case.

@Clawdy

nanbread cornflakes and new clothes are not quite the same as large amounts of money! Especially when the father has told his children, which he didn't need to do.

Yes I appreciate that Clawdy, but I still think it's ok to give by need, even with money.

Maybe being so open about it was a mistake, but it sounds like the sister is ok with it. It's probably more about the brother's feelings of abandonment and unfairness when he was young rising to the surface.

what comes across most to me is a response from many of resentment that you are getting an inheritance in the first place, though they may not realise it themselves.

"There's no evidence whatsoever for what I'm saying, the people I'm accusing would deny it, but I know what they're thinking better than they do!"

The argument is equity over equality and really it's down to your conscience which you think applied in this case. Personally I don't think there is a right or wrong morally, but if someone feels they have been sorry changed then it should be sorted out he is saying the feelings don't matter.
To be fair even if he changed his mind now he will still have to resolve this as his original intention has still (rightly or wrongly) caused upset.
Brother and father need a good chat.

He should give the children and equal share each or not at all. If my father gave my siblings more id be a bit gutted to be honest. It’s not even about the money. Regardless of whether you think it’s favouritism or not, that’s what it will look and feel like to the other siblings, because that’s what it is. He’s giving two siblings preferential treatment at the expense of the other two. Your direct gain is their direct loss.

Equal shares is the only fair way.

He has 4 children, you should all be treated the same!

I think it’s horrible favouring some children over others! I’m sure you wouldn’t be impressed if your dad gave more to his first 2 children.

Your grandparents would be horrified knowing their grandchildren weren’t all treated equally.

@Pringlemonster

My mum recently went in to a care home ...she had a house and a lot of money ..every penny is going to her care ..there will be none left for siblings or anyone else ..it’s the way it is ,you can’t think that you are going to get the money passed on to your half siblings from their mums side

Exactly. Your father is 'banking' on his ex giving his older 2 children plenty of money. These days, it doesn't always work out like that.

Your father cannot give and your brother you more on the assumption that your half siblings will get anything from their mother. That makes no sense at all to make such a far-fetched assumption and it is very, very unfair. You and your need to get together and tell your father you are both going to give the older 2 their share from your money. Believe me, this is blood money. It will tear your entire family apart, and all for what? And 10 grand? For that, you'll never meet nieces or nephews, you will lose your older siblings.

Is it honestly worth it? I would say NO and run a hundred miles from it. Family is worth everything. You will regret it if you let that blood money tear your family apart. A few grand only goes so far. Losing your family is forever. Money is the root of all evil and I suspect greed will get the better of you and your brother but I hope common sense will prevail and you will choose family over a few grand that will last less than your split family will last.

You came on here to ask and pretty much everyone has said it's wrong to divide it up with different amounts. Yet you still stick by your Dads decision.

It's not guaranteed the older siblings will get anything from their side of the family. And it's not relevant.

It's not their fault you have ended up living in a flat with little money and a baby. That was your choice to have a baby.

I also think your Dad should invest the money and keep it as a safety net and perhaps upgrade his own property.

YABU.

All kids should get the same because they are all his children, they are your half siblings but all his children. The fact their mother got the house when he left means nothing. You sound a bit entitled thinking that you deserve more because you are a single parent and have less money than they do and because your the youngest.

“However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card.”

Just listen to yourself!

I think your dad should say as it is causing upset he is keeping all the money.

He can then give you and your brother a nice birthday/Christmas present but definitely not discuss that with anyone.