To think my dad is right to give more of grandmother's inheritance to me and my brother than his 2 older kids?

[sadirahunet]

My grandma, my last living grandparent died a few months ago, however due to everything going on etc they are only really now dealing with the financial side of things. My mum and dad have struggled greatly throughout our whole lives, but have done their very best for us. Parents live in a council house, brother lives with them. I'm a single mum barely scraping by in a shitty private rental. Older half sibling's are significantly older (late teens when I was born) but from what I know dad was always around for them during their childhood and they both say he's been a brilliant dad. We're all close-knit. His choice regarding grandma's money only comes from a financial perspective of who he thinks needs the money more and isn't favouritism or prioritsing his second family etc. I am absolutely certain of that.

When both of my maternal grandparent's died in the same year, my parent's only got a few thousand which was swallowed up by general life things. As for my half-siblings, their mother owns a house which is in a very well-off town near us, easily worth 400k if not more. Granted she has gone on to have 1 more child with her husband so there's 3 kids to consider there. I don't know much about her parent's as obviously her and her parents are nothing to do with me, but I do know they are divorced and both own a house each, again in a well-off area with ridiculous prices. They are in their late 80s.

Dad is likely going to get about 60k (DGM has 7 kids). He wants to split it into 4 quarters. The plan is to keep 15k, give me and my brother 15k each, and split the last quarter between my half-siblings. He would like me and my brother to put it towards house deposits which we both intend to do. I know my dad, he adores us all and would do anything for all 4 of us. I know for a fact that this isn't favouritism. It's just that my half-siblings are likely going to benefit from inheriting money from 3 different houses worth 400k+ in the future, 2 of which will probably happen in the next few years. Whereas me and Dbro, this money from our grandma is literally it for all we will ever inherit unless our parents come into a huge windfall, which DHalfSiblings would benefit from as well anyway.

DHalfSis is absolutely fine with the arrangement and agrees it's fair considering the circumstances. However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card. Dad is very hurt and before all of this, we all got on brilliantly and there was never any kind of bitterness. AIBU to think there arrangement is fair and DHalfBro isn't considering the wider picture? I know for a fact if it was the other way round he'd have given DHalfSibling's more and rightly so.

If my dad did this to me I wouldn't speak to him again. It is not the money, it is the principle of it. That money could be used to make your 1/2 DB's daughter's life easier.

It is not worth losing his son over.

My older two children stand to inherit more from their dads side of the family than my younger two. That wouldn’t make me decide to share money in an unequal manner as that money is from me. And I would treat them all
Fairly.
Your dad is not treated fairly and that hurts your brother. I don’t use the term half sibling as I dislike it so much. Your older brother and sister lost out on having their dad 100% of the time. Now they’re losing out on money too. I can’t see why you don’t get that. Or why your dad thinks that okay.
If I was in your shoes I would say to your dad that you would prefer £12000 each and if he won’t do that you don’t want the money. This is splitting your family up. It needs addressed and your dad needs to think only about his relationship with all four of his children and ignore anything about their mum or her side of the family- and your mum and her side too.

Equal splits is the only fair way to go. If one of the siblings wants to give some to you, that’s their choice. As others have said your half siblings have no guarantee they will get an inheritance.

He can do what he wants with it.

A member of my family chose not to give his son anything because he had been horribly abusive to him and his wife for years.

No skin off my nose.

Wondering if the Dad needs to keep only £15,000 due to any benefit issues - think some have a threshold of £16,000 - but you can do certain reasonable things with the cash, if that is a concern, and why he is sharing it now.
I’m an only child, of only children, and my parents would have a reasonable estate of around £200,000 and they discussed me being the residual legatee previously. Roll on many years and I have lost my Dad and am currently trying to make financial forecasts to ensure my mum has the best care for as long as she needs it - it’s a big worry as the cash, whilst seemingly a lot, is unlikely to stretch over her lifetime for the care she would like. My parents had no idea of care costs, though I guessed this would probably happen in some form, so what I’m saying is your half siblings may well be promised in good faith - ie the g/parents do not plan world cruises - but it all goes wrong.
I have 4 children and they have very different lives and finances - I would only split anything (bills?!) equally as I recognise it’s not the amount of cash that’s seen, but the amount of love.
It’s totally your dad’s decision but you are allowed to suggest otherwise to him or share your extra £3k with the half siblings saying I think he got it wrong, but with good intentions.
It’s so sad when inheritances, or gifts even, cause rifts but it is quite common.

Your dad can of course do what he wants but he’s going to cause a lifetime rift for the sake of £7,500 and you’re complicit.

If my parent decided to unequally share or disinherit a sibling I would, without doubt, ensure that they were “topped up” by my own inheritance.

Is your relationship with your sibling really worth so little to you?!

I would say the same whichever way round it was. Inheritance is never guaranteed as so many things can happen, your half siblings could end up with nothing from their mother's side.

It should be split evenly if it's being split at all. What your dad should have done is kept quiet about the amount then discretely give you and your youngest brother some house deposit money later on and gift your older siblings some money too - why on earth your father thought it was a good idea to announce the dynamics of the split are beyond me. It's a shame your dad has thrown a spanner into perfectly good family relationships over a few thousand pounds.

Also you are being unreasonable taking your older siblings mother's house into account here. The money could be taken up by care home fees in future or anything. Also you say you don't want the money but your dad is insisting - if you really didn't want it no-one can force you to take it.

We have a similar-ish set up in my family. I am the second wife, DH has 2 DC from his first marriage. Those DC are in a very different financial position to my DC, but that’s because of their time of life.

When DH’s mum dies (the situation you are talking about), it would be very inappropriate IMO to split any gifts from that inheritance unequally between his DC - are all his Mum’s GC.

My inheritance from my parents has nothing to do with the SC. Equally any inheritance from my SC’s mother has nothing to do with my DC.

Your DH is whining it's unfair because it is unfair - though why your dad is giving away most of his money when he's so hard up is mystery .

If my mum’s parents were alive and me and Dbro were promised huge interitances off them and half-siblings were due to get nothing in future except from this £60k, would dad be so unreasonable to give them a bit more?
Yes. Your father seems to have no idea of the problems he would be storing up by unfair distribution of his money to his children. This could create a serious rift in the family.

Naturally, your half siblings would not expect to inherit from your maternal grandparents as they are totally unrelated to them. In the same way, you would not expect to inherit from their maternal grandparents who are not related to you.

It doesn't matter how much the amounts involved are, what matters is that your dad treats his children equally.

Assume your half siblings maternal grandparents have just died. They have inherited hundreds of thousands of pounds from them. Would you think it okay for your dad not to give them any of his £60k?

Naturally, they could then feel your dad cares more about his second family. The money might not mean so much to them if they had already inherited loads but it is the emotional impact you are overlooking.

You should all get the same. The circumstances of the other parent is irrelevant. I think your brother is right to feel second fiddle

Also if you are just scraping by, are you sure you'll even be able to get a mortgage? The house deposit angle seems to be something you are telling yourself to make yourself feel better about the shoddy way your father is treating his older children.

If your Dad wants to help his younger two children above this it needs to be a private gift from his own share of the money, and be aware that it might cause resentment and perceptions of favouritism - because it is favouritism, even coming from a good place.

The above would be the same. If dad kept 20 and split 40 equally between his kids then made a further gift of 5 each to his second family - his first family still wouldn’t have been treated equally. That is the issue here.

OP you cannot assume your older siblings will get a big inheritance one day as there could be a divorce or care home fees to pay for.

Bottom line is that your dad is dad to all of you and should treat you equally, not make adjustments for your ages/life choices/lack of other relatives.

On the subject of a deposit for a house, are you in a position to be able to get a mortgage even with a £10-15k deposit? Do you work?

@Thehop

Why on earth did he tell them you were getting more? Surely that’s rubbing their nose in it a bit?

Couldn't agree more.

Imo the better thing to do would have been to split the inheritance equally 5 ways between you, your siblings and dad. That would have given you £12k each. If your dad wanted to top yours and your brother’s up to £15k then he should have separately give you a gift of £3k out of his £12k. Essentially he’s gifted it to you out of your siblings’ shares without their input.

You do seem to brush aside everything as rosy and rich in your half siblings’ lives. Inheritance “due” is no way to assess things - my dh will likely inherit nothing from his parents - mil has died and fil has long term care needs. The value of his bungalow is being used for care at a cost of more than 1k per week. This could easily happen to the people you say your half siblings are “due” money from.

If your half db's dm has remarried, she may leave her share to her husband, or her second family too. Your half db may see nothing of it.

Your df should split it 5 ways as others said.

He really should split it equally.

If my dad did this to me I wouldn't speak to him again. It is not the money, it is the principle of it.

Precisely this. I don’t normally care about my dad giving money away unequally - I’ve received nothing from him and my siblings have. That doesn’t bother me because he’s helped them when they needed it and I’ve never needed help. However, if it were inheritance from a shared grandparent that he was splitting unequally it would feel like a kick in the stomach and I’m not sure I’d be able to get over it.

I am thoroughly in the camp that you should all receive the same amount.

The potential inheritance that you half siblings may receive is not guaranteed. That could all be lost in care home costs etc and they may inherit nothing else!

If your Dad wants to help his younger two children above this it needs to be a private gift from his own share of the money, and be aware that it might cause resentment and perceptions of favouritism - because it is favouritism, even coming from a good place.

It is the dad's money and he is generously giving his children some of it, how much is his business. He has no obligation to share it

YABU and so is your dad. Fact is you cannot bank on what your half siblings mother has or will give them, you are jumping ahead. There may be illness, she may use the money she has/sell the house to pay for health costs, she may decide, as many adults do these days, to spend all her money she has saved up, and leave half-siblings with nothing. What half-siblings mother has or hasn't got (and you really have no idea) is not your business and it is not your dad's business. For all you know, their mother could be broke, you are assuming she has money.

What if she doesn't? What if she has gifted the house to a charity in her will? What if she has spent most of her savings? Then what? You don't....know what their mother has or hasn't, or has done or hasn't done. You and your father cannot make decisions affecting 2 siblings based on what his ex MAY or may not have or do. You have absolutely no idea, none whatsoever. Neither does he.

Your father is being an absolute heartless bastard, and you are being selfish and splitting your family apart. Don't give us all this 'oh but he is insisting!!!' bs. Don't piss on our feet and tell us it's raining. I don't buy that he is 'insisting' to such a vehement degree that he wouldn't listen to you if you told him flat out you absolutely refuse to take it, full stop. You can choose not to accept the money. You can choose to post the cheque back to him and put the money back in his letterbox. You can choose to say to him that you will split that money with your siblings, so he may as well not bother because you will give it to them anyway.

If you don't want to take it, nothing in this world can or will make you take it, so just stop with the insisting. I don't think any of us here buy it, pardon the pun. You can insist he gives it to them. He is not the only one who can 'insist' things. You can too. You have choices. You are simply looking for confirmation that you are right, I don't think you will get it here, because you are not right. And I think, deep down, you know this. INSIST your father give the other siblings their share, or you will no longer talk to him. INSIST, yourself, that he gives them it. Because there is no guarantees they will inherit a single cent from their mother. There is NO guarantees and you or your father know absolutely nothing about what she intends to do, or if she even genuinely has anything. So your siblings may end up dudded not just by their father, but by their mother. How is that fair?

Bottom line is, you need to understand that you may personally be responsible for splitting the family apart. Losing siblings, never speaking to nieces/nephews. Is that what you want? Think of the repercussions of that, and that extra money you receive will seem like dirty money, like blood money. It could ruin your life and your family for good, no money is worth that. The price is far too high. So do the right thing, and INSIST your siblings get their due, for your own peace of mind, if for no other reason.

@sadirahunet

I am not grabby in the least ffs. I haven’t made the bloody decision. I feel bad taking any money off my dad but he insists.

You can't feel that bad about it if you feel this strongly that you should get more of it than his other children.

Not only is he treating his other children like second class citizens, he's told them he is doing it. It's not about money, their father is telling them he sees them as lesser. Wow, father of the year.

All children should be treated the same regardless of circumstances. Anything else is completely unfair.