To think my dad is right to give more of grandmother's inheritance to me and my brother than his 2 older kids?

[sadirahunet]

My grandma, my last living grandparent died a few months ago, however due to everything going on etc they are only really now dealing with the financial side of things. My mum and dad have struggled greatly throughout our whole lives, but have done their very best for us. Parents live in a council house, brother lives with them. I'm a single mum barely scraping by in a shitty private rental. Older half sibling's are significantly older (late teens when I was born) but from what I know dad was always around for them during their childhood and they both say he's been a brilliant dad. We're all close-knit. His choice regarding grandma's money only comes from a financial perspective of who he thinks needs the money more and isn't favouritism or prioritsing his second family etc. I am absolutely certain of that.

When both of my maternal grandparent's died in the same year, my parent's only got a few thousand which was swallowed up by general life things. As for my half-siblings, their mother owns a house which is in a very well-off town near us, easily worth 400k if not more. Granted she has gone on to have 1 more child with her husband so there's 3 kids to consider there. I don't know much about her parent's as obviously her and her parents are nothing to do with me, but I do know they are divorced and both own a house each, again in a well-off area with ridiculous prices. They are in their late 80s.

Dad is likely going to get about 60k (DGM has 7 kids). He wants to split it into 4 quarters. The plan is to keep 15k, give me and my brother 15k each, and split the last quarter between my half-siblings. He would like me and my brother to put it towards house deposits which we both intend to do. I know my dad, he adores us all and would do anything for all 4 of us. I know for a fact that this isn't favouritism. It's just that my half-siblings are likely going to benefit from inheriting money from 3 different houses worth 400k+ in the future, 2 of which will probably happen in the next few years. Whereas me and Dbro, this money from our grandma is literally it for all we will ever inherit unless our parents come into a huge windfall, which DHalfSiblings would benefit from as well anyway.

DHalfSis is absolutely fine with the arrangement and agrees it's fair considering the circumstances. However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card. Dad is very hurt and before all of this, we all got on brilliantly and there was never any kind of bitterness. AIBU to think there arrangement is fair and DHalfBro isn't considering the wider picture? I know for a fact if it was the other way round he'd have given DHalfSibling's more and rightly so.

Unfortunate that he told everyone. Inheritances inevitably cause ructions.

I agree with some PPs that fair doesn't always mean equal. However, emotions come into play.

Though personally I think given circumstances your father should keep the money to shore up his own finances. Or at least the majority of it, with the minority distributed equally amongst his children.

This is a really difficult one.

Part of me believes that this inheritance is your Dad's money therefore he can do whatever he wants with it, but the other half of me knows that if my Dad gave significantly more to my younger half siblings than me I would be a bit perturbed.

Your Dad is Not Unreasonable to choose to give you and your brother more money.

It is Unreasonable that the siblings know they are getting a fair bit less.

@AtLeastPretendToCare

You clearly believe that what the father is doing is fair. And I can see how you feel that and how your dad rationally feels that.

The bottom line though in these situations is that it taps into long term emotions and so you get an emotion based reaction. The emotional message that the money split has given to your stepbrother is that he is worth less in the eyes of his father than his younger half siblings. That message won’t have been received by the adult, rational man who can sit back and say “well ok I guess there are other points to consider so ok I can live with that, fine”.

Instead the message plays straight to the child inside whose father left the family home and
is now playing happy families with new children. And the child’s inner voice saying we always knew dad prefers his new kids to us, I’m not good enough for him. So having this crystallised in front of his eyes in terms of being worth half of the younger kids, well that will feel like a giant fuck you from his dad. Do you not see that?

Also this. This perfectly describes how I would feel if I was made aware that my younger siblings got more. This is why the amount should have stayed private

I think any inheritance money is an absolute bonus, and people should be happy to get anything.

It sounds fair to me.
It's best to give everyone equally but this will make a massive difference to your and your bros life and this is it for you.

Your dad I assume could keep the money for himself?

As a matter of interest OP, how did your half siblings find out your dad was giving you and your brother more money? It's shitty enough that he's doing that to them but if he's set on it why tell them as well?

Unequal division only works if everyone is happy with the arrangement. Otherwise, to avoid permanent family conflict, it ought to be an equal split.

I work in probate.

I think that unequal distribution is only fair if there's some sort of unusual circumstance like one child needing care indefinitely.

If I was your Dad, my children would be getting equal amounts because I love them equally. It's not the older children's fault that they are older so might earn more and inheritance from their grandparents is neither here nor there. Inheritance is never guaranteed especially when house costs could be swallowed up by care fees.

I think YABU.

Out of my siblings I earn and have the least but I would never expect to receive more inheritance because of that - that's just how the cookie crumbles. Why should I begrudge them their hard work, success and luck?

I think your dad should treat you all equally.

YABU. The only fair way is to split it equally.

Though personally I think given circumstances your father should keep the money to shore up his own finances.

I strongly suspect he is giving it away, and only keeping himself £15k, so he is under the threshold for housing benefit.

Your dad is being really unreasonable. He should be treating his DC the same, not coming up with reasons to treat two of them better than the other two. If you're older siblings want to pass their share to you, that's their choice.

@PeachesAndCreamy

I'm interested to know where in the country somewhere could be brought with a 15k deposit? Presumably some of that would be needed for legal costs too if money is tight?

Do I live in an alternate universe? There are plenty of places you can buy houses for less than £150,000.00

yes the MN south-east alternative universe where nobody earns less than £50k and houses cost half a million....

OP I agree with the vast majority - you are commenting about your half siblings family living in areas with 'ridiculous house prices,' but your gran must have an estate of nearly/more than half a million herself to be able to given £60k to each of her seven kids after inheritance tax, solicitors fees etc. I could almost see (although still wouldn't agree with) your dad's reasoning if it was larger amounts, e.g. £30,000 to put towards a deposit, but it seems such a pity to cause such ill feeling for the sake of 'only' £3k difference. If that's really going to make or break your ability to buy a house you probably need to save up a bit more yourself first to add to it to have a bit more financial security.

I wouldn't be happy if I were your half sibling.

@smoothchange

Though personally I think given circumstances your father should keep the money to shore up his own finances.

I strongly suspect he is giving it away, and only keeping himself £15k, so he is under the threshold for housing benefit.

If he's on Housing Benefit (or any other means-tested benefits) he can't just give it away to keep his benefits; that's deprivation of assets. He has to declare the inheritance and they will base their calculations on him having it even if he's given it away. When you come into money you can spend it but it has to be on reasonable things (like paying off debts, paying for essentials and reasonable living and work expenses etc).

All siblings should get the same. I would think a lot less of my brother if he accepted more than me in an inheritance settlement, I would expect him to act decently and share equally, as I would with him.

I have been in a similar situation as the older half sibling. It creates such hurt and is likely to create bad feeling between siblings. For me it suggested DF feelings for his children (in my situation) was no equal despite his protests. Always equal shares in my opinion

What happens if you meet a wealthy partner? Will you give it back?

This is crazy. He should split it equally. You all made your decisions and life changes. Fairness is important.

Inheritance should be shared equally. If one is inheriting from elsewhere or has more money than their sibling, it’s irrelevant! Everything should still be divided in equal parts.

@smoothchange

Though personally I think given circumstances your father should keep the money to shore up his own finances.

I strongly suspect he is giving it away, and only keeping himself £15k, so he is under the threshold for housing benefit.

Good point

Agree should be split equally. If I was the half siblings I'd be hurt and I'd assume my dad's new wife had convinced your dad to do it.

As pp have pointed out to all have had 12k each would have not made a huge difference to you but would have made it fairer.

Clearly when you have a child £7.5k makes a big difference, unless you're very very wealthy.

There is no way of knowing if your half-siblings will receive money from their relatives. I know someone who was due to inherit hundreds of thousands of pounds from a close relative. Relative got dementia, was 'befriended' by a group of religious zealots, one of whom was a solicitor, a new will was drawn up and all the estate went to these people instead. Things like this happen all the time.

I’m in the situation of being my dad’s second family.

Everything is split equally. It’s the only way to do it.

My half siblings are older, sure, and have more accumulated wealth. But I was born when Dad was better off and enjoyed the benefits of that. You can’t really compare.

Inheritance is not about analysing the kids' lives and making judgements based on future projections that may or may not come to pass, or who has more now because they happen to have been born first, as if the youngest won't get through that working time too. It's about looking at what you have to give and how you want to share it out. It is your last and largely unquestionable act of provision and giving to your kids, what you do for them when you're gone. There is a reason people get so upset even when they don't need the money and the amounts involved are relatively small.

Of course you have the right to favour someone, but you shouldn't come over all wounded and woebegone when people see that's what you've done.

There might be some very specific situations where it's justified (eg if a child or grandchild has long term care needs) but that is not the case here.

My DH is an older brother to 2 half siblings - his father walked out on his Mum when he was 2. He is definitely more of a Dad to his second family. He recently told DH he was glad he has 'sorted his life out' & wouldn't need to be considered in his will - unlike his younger children. My DH is only 'sorted' because he is 15 years older - it is yet another way in which DH feels sidelined & uncared for, it isn't about money at all.

The OP isn’t coming back to the thread, because it hasn’t gone the way she thought it would at all.