To think my dad is right to give more of grandmother's inheritance to me and my brother than his 2 older kids?

[sadirahunet]

My grandma, my last living grandparent died a few months ago, however due to everything going on etc they are only really now dealing with the financial side of things. My mum and dad have struggled greatly throughout our whole lives, but have done their very best for us. Parents live in a council house, brother lives with them. I'm a single mum barely scraping by in a shitty private rental. Older half sibling's are significantly older (late teens when I was born) but from what I know dad was always around for them during their childhood and they both say he's been a brilliant dad. We're all close-knit. His choice regarding grandma's money only comes from a financial perspective of who he thinks needs the money more and isn't favouritism or prioritsing his second family etc. I am absolutely certain of that.

When both of my maternal grandparent's died in the same year, my parent's only got a few thousand which was swallowed up by general life things. As for my half-siblings, their mother owns a house which is in a very well-off town near us, easily worth 400k if not more. Granted she has gone on to have 1 more child with her husband so there's 3 kids to consider there. I don't know much about her parent's as obviously her and her parents are nothing to do with me, but I do know they are divorced and both own a house each, again in a well-off area with ridiculous prices. They are in their late 80s.

Dad is likely going to get about 60k (DGM has 7 kids). He wants to split it into 4 quarters. The plan is to keep 15k, give me and my brother 15k each, and split the last quarter between my half-siblings. He would like me and my brother to put it towards house deposits which we both intend to do. I know my dad, he adores us all and would do anything for all 4 of us. I know for a fact that this isn't favouritism. It's just that my half-siblings are likely going to benefit from inheriting money from 3 different houses worth 400k+ in the future, 2 of which will probably happen in the next few years. Whereas me and Dbro, this money from our grandma is literally it for all we will ever inherit unless our parents come into a huge windfall, which DHalfSiblings would benefit from as well anyway.

DHalfSis is absolutely fine with the arrangement and agrees it's fair considering the circumstances. However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card. Dad is very hurt and before all of this, we all got on brilliantly and there was never any kind of bitterness. AIBU to think there arrangement is fair and DHalfBro isn't considering the wider picture? I know for a fact if it was the other way round he'd have given DHalfSibling's more and rightly so.

Yabu anything being split up should be split equally.

Inheritance isnt there to equal out different life choices.

How would you feel if (say) you had another sibling who was homeless with mental health & other issues, and your dad decided to give them more than you? Everyone "needs" the money in different ways. You wouldn't have it at all but for this lucky windfall so see it just as that.

I have 3 siblings and we would all be horrified if our parents were not equal in distributing help.

Of course you think it’s the right thing - you are the one getting more!

Your dad is playing a dangerous game here and this will affect his relationship with his children permanently now, and probably yours with your other siblings too.

@sadirahunet

Oh FFS. When I say my dad is insisting, I mean he is insisting. I’ve said many, many times keep it and enjoy it with mum but he isn’t having it. He is a grown man with all of his marbles and has made his bloody decision.

Then why are you on here looking for opinions if your Dad has decided and you agree with him? The fact that pretty much everyone thinks you're being unfair and agrees with your brother and still you're not listening?! Why post?

It should be split equally OP

If you actually thought this was actually fine you wouldn't have started a thread - no one starts threads about stuff they are completely secure with, we start threads about the stuff that doesn't sit right for some reason.
I'm not sure what you can do about it, though, as it isn't your decision. Aside from turning the money down - I'd do that now, but as in your shoes (you say barely scraping by) I'm not sure how noble I'd be!

Think how you'd feel down the line if your child's (children's) father financially disadvantages them in favour of the children he has with the wife he loves.

I'd suggest to dad that he split the 45k equally between the four of you (I wouldn't expect him to increase the "pot" available) but I'm not sure I'd honestly turn down the money.

It's the dads inheritance, not the grandkids so its up to him what he does with it.

Your dad has created a problem. Should be equal. For the sake of £3k difference he has made his older children feel less loved. It doesn’t matter if you know for a fact that isn’t his motivation. It’s how they feel. Feelings aren’t rational.

The damage is done. He should apologise to his older children and put it right.

There is logic in it but from a moral point of view no, it’s not fair. Children should be treated the same regardless. My son is going through the ‘second family’ thing. His dad has a new partner and children and his dad barely sees him.

I think your Dad should just keep his inheritance. When he dies he can then leave what is left. My vote would always be for sharing equally unless there has been a significant loan etc to one child.

Should always split evenly between dc. My db is on a 6 figure salary living a great life. If my grandmother died the money would be split evenly because saying I’m poorer so I get more is totally unfair and due to stage in life and life choices. Why should db lose out on inheritance? You dad is playing favourite kids and it’ll ruin his relationship forever.

It should be divided equally. Treating your children unfairly almost always leads to resentments and damages their relationships too.

[quote sadirahunet]@RedMarauder

That’s why I’ve asked if people would be so horrified if my mum’s parents were alive and me and Dbro were promised huge interitances off them and half-siblings were due to get nothing in future except from this £60k, would dad be so unreasonable to give them a bit more? I would see absolutely no issue there.[/quote]

Because that's not the point. It's about your Dad being seen to favour you and your full sibling over your half sibling.

If your half sister doesn't agree, she could choose to give her share to you and your sibling once your Dad has shared it out. But the point is your Dad needs to treat his children equally.

Oh and your half siblings could easily get nothing.i assumed DH parents would get several hundred thousand when his grandmother passed away (million pound house). In reality she spent her last years in an expensive care home, the house was sold and most of the capital gone. It emerged that her will contained some charitable bequests etc, after those, probate costs and funeral expenses, there was barely a fifth of what had been expected.

It's such a shame your DGM was clearly very comfortably off and yet she allowed your DF to struggle so much all his life.

Perhaps that's why your Dad wants to spread the good fortune around now. He can of course do what he wants with the money but you need to all accept that an unequal split is going to cause upheaval in the family - you can't just say your half brother is "wrong".

Anything other than equal splits will cause an emotional response and fallout. Doesn’t matter if you have a hundred reasons why it makes sense. Doesn’t matter that your dad can do what he likes. Share of money = perceived share of love.

What's all this "due inheritance" and "been promised inheritance" from somewhere else??

You sound like you don't have a lot of life experience OP. People are living longer and longer and its likely the grandparents money will be eaten up with care fees. The grandparents might have taken equity release. You can't possibly know their financial position. You're just speculating.

Inheritance certainly isn't guaranteed. Many many things can happen

I think I would split my assets equally amongst my children regardless of what situations my children are in.

As will my parents even though one sibling is far wealthier than the rest.

I would hate to fall out with a sibling over inheritance and would hate my children to fall out over inheritance as well.

Equal is fair

So, your dad has decided that his ex wife 'must' leave inheritance to their shared children? Who the hell does he think he is involving himself in her finances? And you're definitely a chip off the old block.

Oh and its mad to compare how well off your half siblings are if they are much older than you. Its inevitable that most people get better off as they age - childcare costs drop, people tend to move into better paid work at a more senior level. Were your half siblings well off at your age?

Inheritance can cause such a rift. It doesn't matter the amount. Fairness - or lack of - can cause a lot of bitterness. Would it be better if he gave you each an equal share and then if he wants you to have more he gives it out of "his" share? That way everyone is treated equally by the grandparent even if the result is the same.

The sheer fact that your dad has even come to this decision, rather than treating his children equally, means it’s second family.

My maternal grandparents, my grandad isn’t my mum’s biological dad, still they said they would split the inheritance 50/50 between my mum and her sister. It didn’t matter that my mum had a better job or that my aunt had a large windfall. My grandparents didn’t change the will every time was in a better position than the other. It’s swings and roundabouts and they’d have been changing it all the time.

Stop saying your half siblings will inherit from their grandparents and mother. They only inherit that if there is something left to inherit. Any of those could need care, which has already been pointed out to you costs a thousand pounds a week. Many people have to seek their houses to provide care. Their mother could die first and their step-father disinherit them. Someone could run up massive secret debts that need to be paid on death of that person. There are so many variables and an inheritance is never guaranteed. That’s what you need to understand. If they do inherit from their maternal side, well then, thems the breaks.

I would also bet your half sister isn’t actually Ok with it but just can’t be bothered to bring it up, she’s probably used to being the second, lesser family. My step mum told me I’ll inherit less from my dad because I’ll inherit from my mum and there’s only me, obviously she has her sons to worry about. I said fine, it’s not as my dad and step mum earn a lot, lot more than my mum, but I can’t be arsed to argue. I can’t be arsed to open that can of worms of seeking validation from them when clearly they favour my half brothers.

You've asked people whether they think this arrangement is fair and the response is a massive no.

Of course it's your dad's choice, but he, and now you, must surely see this is hugely divisive. And all so you and your DB can get an extra £3k. For your DHB it's not all about the money it's symbolic of his father prioritising his second family.

And unfortunately, the money he will probably inherit from his grandparents has nothing to do with you. You don't deserve more simply because people who aren't related to you will one day die.

This isn’t about your mother’s money, this is about all four of you having a granny who died - your granny loved you equally and you are all her grandchildren, so the money should be split equal ways between people in the same generation. No-one can know what money might be needed for or available in the future.

If your Dad wants to help his younger two children above this it needs to be a private gift from his own share of the money, and be aware that it might cause resentment and perceptions of favouritism - because it is favouritism, even coming from a good place.

Another one here for equal split. It’s not worth the upset otherwise. If your Dad kept £15k and split the rest you get £11.5k each, is it worth £3.5k to make your brother feel this way?

My eldest cousin was 57 when my grandma died, good job he wasn't waiting on an inheritance!