To think my dad is right to give more of grandmother's inheritance to me and my brother than his 2 older kids?

[sadirahunet]

My grandma, my last living grandparent died a few months ago, however due to everything going on etc they are only really now dealing with the financial side of things. My mum and dad have struggled greatly throughout our whole lives, but have done their very best for us. Parents live in a council house, brother lives with them. I'm a single mum barely scraping by in a shitty private rental. Older half sibling's are significantly older (late teens when I was born) but from what I know dad was always around for them during their childhood and they both say he's been a brilliant dad. We're all close-knit. His choice regarding grandma's money only comes from a financial perspective of who he thinks needs the money more and isn't favouritism or prioritsing his second family etc. I am absolutely certain of that.

When both of my maternal grandparent's died in the same year, my parent's only got a few thousand which was swallowed up by general life things. As for my half-siblings, their mother owns a house which is in a very well-off town near us, easily worth 400k if not more. Granted she has gone on to have 1 more child with her husband so there's 3 kids to consider there. I don't know much about her parent's as obviously her and her parents are nothing to do with me, but I do know they are divorced and both own a house each, again in a well-off area with ridiculous prices. They are in their late 80s.

Dad is likely going to get about 60k (DGM has 7 kids). He wants to split it into 4 quarters. The plan is to keep 15k, give me and my brother 15k each, and split the last quarter between my half-siblings. He would like me and my brother to put it towards house deposits which we both intend to do. I know my dad, he adores us all and would do anything for all 4 of us. I know for a fact that this isn't favouritism. It's just that my half-siblings are likely going to benefit from inheriting money from 3 different houses worth 400k+ in the future, 2 of which will probably happen in the next few years. Whereas me and Dbro, this money from our grandma is literally it for all we will ever inherit unless our parents come into a huge windfall, which DHalfSiblings would benefit from as well anyway.

DHalfSis is absolutely fine with the arrangement and agrees it's fair considering the circumstances. However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card. Dad is very hurt and before all of this, we all got on brilliantly and there was never any kind of bitterness. AIBU to think there arrangement is fair and DHalfBro isn't considering the wider picture? I know for a fact if it was the other way round he'd have given DHalfSibling's more and rightly so.

This idea that 'everything must be fair and equal regardless of circumstances' is unfathomable to me. Your father has split the funds as he sees the greatest need. That is 'fairest'.

My maternal grandfather (who outlived my Gran) wanted a not inconsiderable portion of his estate to go to my cousin who is his godchild. There was nothing written down in the Will to this effect whatsoever. But my cousin is struggling as a single mum whose son has recovered from a serious cancer; they live in a small house and she does her very best with the tight resources she has available. Sibling and I have established careers, are comfortably off, and her need is definitely greater than ours. My gran also gave this cousin all her jewellery before she died; very personal items, but they were hers to give to whom she wished.

My sibling and I honoured our grandfather's wishes and gave her the sum he desired. Cousin is deeply grateful (she passed her test and got a car) but has no need to be. We didn't do her some big favour; we honoured a dying man's wish and the lifelong bond he had with our cousin. It hasn't fostered any kind of resentment between us and her: we love her too.

I ask myself what kind of person would even have considered doing otherwise, then I see time and time again how people behave like vultures over their departed loved ones' estates. It's horrible.

Your father is being entirely reasonable, IMO.

Yabu. It should be split equally, I imagine you would feel very differently if you were getting a smaller share. It smacks very much of favouritism for the second family, all children should be treated equally

Perhaps look at it this way, you say you have a baby, if he/she gets half-siblings in the future would you think he/she deserved less?

It's not about the amount of money, it's the signaling unequal love and commitment.

I don't know if your df is splitting the inheritance for benefit reasons, but as pp said you better make sure what impact an inheritance will have on you ability to receive support.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks but you and your sibling were treated the same? To have a parent do this causes division and hurt.

Should be split equally

I think you shoud all tell your dad he needs to keep the money for himself. Instead of having it scrapped over in this unseemly way. Why do you even think you are entitled to anything. The money was left to your Dad. If he wishes to give any of you a gift of money it should be accepted gratefully and not be argued over who gets what share.

This idea that 'everything must be fair and equal regardless of circumstances' is unfathomable to me. Your father has split the funds as he sees the greatest need. That is 'fairest'.

I'm not sure I agree with this logic, I mean maybe in some circumstances like if one of the children is sick and can't work/needs care or something than yes I would get it in that situation but what if you have two kids, one has no house but has never worked hard, tried to better themselves whereas the other has worked their ass for everything they had including their own house, should the lazy child be rewarded? That doesn't seem fair

*I'm not saying OP is lazy, just saying I don't believe it's fair to penalise people for doing well for themselves

MY DS1's dad would use this excuse. My DS has two half siblings who live with their parents and they seem to think DP and I are wealthy. We are in comparison to them, because we both work FT and my DS2's stepmum chose not to work. Not my DS's fault at all but I am pretty sure he will take into account that DS will inherit from me and my parents. DS1 has two siblings who live with him too (my DD and DS2) but they won't take that into consideration - DS won't inherit that much when it is split 3 ways. It is the second family consideration, come on. I would never split it between my 3DC based on 'need' as that is a value judgement that can and does change tbh.

Why do you even think you are entitled to anything. The money was left to your Dad. If he wishes to give any of you a gift of money it should be accepted gratefully and not be argued over who gets what share.

Completely agree.

It's his money. He doesn't need to give any of it to any of you. If he chooses to, it's up to him how he does that.

At the absolute minimum - unless you badgered him to give you more, half siblings have no business giving you a hard time over it, it wasn't your decision.

If he walked away from the house and left it to your siblings and they mother, he may consider that they’ve already had a big cut from him and this is his was of evening the score a bit.

Ive always wanted to see the reverse of those threads where the OP is upset because their sibling is being favoured and bailed out because the OP is perceived as 'not needing any help'.

They are all his children. He needs to treat them fairly.

half siblings have no business giving you a hard time over it, it wasn't your decision.

But they do have the right to be upset at being treated as less important to their dad

@sadirahunet

My grandma, my last living grandparent died a few months ago, however due to everything going on etc they are only really now dealing with the financial side of things. My mum and dad have struggled greatly throughout our whole lives, but have done their very best for us. Parents live in a council house, brother lives with them. I'm a single mum barely scraping by in a shitty private rental. Older half sibling's are significantly older (late teens when I was born) but from what I know dad was always around for them during their childhood and they both say he's been a brilliant dad. We're all close-knit. His choice regarding grandma's money only comes from a financial perspective of who he thinks needs the money more and isn't favouritism or prioritsing his second family etc. I am absolutely certain of that.

When both of my maternal grandparent's died in the same year, my parent's only got a few thousand which was swallowed up by general life things. As for my half-siblings, their mother owns a house which is in a very well-off town near us, easily worth 400k if not more. Granted she has gone on to have 1 more child with her husband so there's 3 kids to consider there. I don't know much about her parent's as obviously her and her parents are nothing to do with me, but I do know they are divorced and both own a house each, again in a well-off area with ridiculous prices. They are in their late 80s.

Dad is likely going to get about 60k (DGM has 7 kids). He wants to split it into 4 quarters. The plan is to keep 15k, give me and my brother 15k each, and split the last quarter between my half-siblings. He would like me and my brother to put it towards house deposits which we both intend to do. I know my dad, he adores us all and would do anything for all 4 of us. I know for a fact that this isn't favouritism. It's just that my half-siblings are likely going to benefit from inheriting money from 3 different houses worth 400k+ in the future, 2 of which will probably happen in the next few years. Whereas me and Dbro, this money from our grandma is literally it for all we will ever inherit unless our parents come into a huge windfall, which DHalfSiblings would benefit from as well anyway.

DHalfSis is absolutely fine with the arrangement and agrees it's fair considering the circumstances. However DHalfbro and his long-term girlfriend who he has a child with are whinging and playing the 'second family' card. Dad is very hurt and before all of this, we all got on brilliantly and there was never any kind of bitterness. AIBU to think there arrangement is fair and DHalfBro isn't considering the wider picture? I know for a fact if it was the other way round he'd have given DHalfSibling's more and rightly so.

Stte. I am afraid that I think all of the grandchildren, ie you and your siblings, whether half or full, should be treated exactly the same. Your financial situations are irrelevant in my mind. As is the fact that you have 13 years between you. And things like this really can pull a family apart. I get you agree, you benefit. Imagine if it was the other way around and that your father said the half siblings have obviously been more "savvy" so deserve the greater share, how would you then feel?

If he walked away from the house and left it to your siblings and they mother, he may consider that they’ve already had a big cut from him and this is his was of evening the score a bit.

I would speak to your dad and tell him that he needs to treat you all equally or he will cause resentment. I know lots of people are saying to stay out of it but I would guess that if you and your brother told him you wanted him to split the money equally, he would consider it. I would suggest putting your relationship with your siblings over monetary gain - that relationship won’t withstand favouritism but if you stand up for your half siblings they will appreciate it forever. Love and family is more important than a few extra thousand pounds

Your half-siblings' mum could die before her 2nd husband leaving him all the money. He could then live a number of years and die passing his inheritance onto his child rather than your half-siblings. Or her husband could remarry, not make a will and his new wife get everything. I've seen this happen.

I've already posted but again YABVVU OP. Also, I doubt very much your half-siblings have been treated fairly. They mostly grew up without their dad whereas you have had the luxury of him all the time. You may tell yourself that you are all treated equally but you aren't, they are receiving less and this is a blatant example.

The other thing that gets me is your reasons for needing more money than them. You and your DB's lifestyle and living conditions can be improved by your own efforts rather than taking it off your half-siblings.

I can’t be arsed to open that can of worms of seeking validation from them when clearly they favour my half brothers.

I've been in a similar situation. Make a great life for yourself and your own little family and save your energy for a great relationship with your own mum. Don't waste your time on toxic people, no matter who they are.

Children should be treated as equally as possible

Also - I’ve just done the maths and if you split 45 thousand pounds into 4 it comes to £11,250 so it would be £3,750 less for you. Is it really worth losing your siblings over this amount of money?

If me and Dbro were due to inherit hundred’s of thousands from our maternal grandparents So you know that contents of your half-siblings grandparents will? Wow, that's amazing.

@sadirahunet It should be split equally and you know it or you wouldn't be posting.

I suppose ultimately the bit your dad is missing is that regardless of the second family thing, this made no difference to you being related to your grandmother and you were all her grandchildren in equal measure. I think if I was your dad, i'd keep £20k and split the remainder between 4 children. £10k is still a significant amount towards a deposit.

I do understand his thought process, if it was me I'd be supportive of less well off siblings having more. But ultimately your brother isn't wrong to feel the way he does. At the end of the day she was his grandmother as much as she was yours.

Can I just add that about 20 years ago when DH's nan died, the money was split 5 ways between all of her children. One of the children (DH's uncle) was extremely well off and said he didn't need the money. He gifted it 4 ways to the other 4 children. But that was HIS choice to make - his mother knew that he didn't need the money but wouldn't have dreamt of treating any of them differently, even though two of them were from her first marriage and were significantly older and financially better off that the others.

I can see your point of view and that you consider your biological brother and you to be more 'in need' than your two half siblings. If I was your half siblings and reasonably well-off I would be fine with it but I can also see your half brother's POV.

In these situations it's usually best to treat everyone equally - money always causes problems.

If I had been your Dad before doing anything I would have spoken to your half brother and sister separately and asked if they were okay with his proposal of giving you guys more but that in the event they weren't that I would divide the money equally.

Please stop dividing up your father's assets before he's even gone, it's incredibly entitled behaviour. Some of us would give anything to have our fathers back and couldn't give a shit about inheritances.

It's funny because when I posted and suggested that I wouldn't split inheritance with my Step Children and would instead leave my portion of it to my DC only, I was told I should split everything equally, the fact that they will inherit from their own mum is irrelevant etc... I've seen quite a few people here saying it's not your half siblings fault that their mum is rich and yours isn't... The same logic didn't seem to apply when I was talking about leaving money to my DC and not my DSC though 🤷

This is different as all of the children involved are your father's kids so I would expect the starting point to be equal split to be honest.

However, saying that. I would probably be like your DHSis in that if I saw my siblings were of a greater need than myself of the money, I wouldn't make a fuss about receiving less than them. Essentially everyone is saying it should be equal just for the sake of being equal, which I do understand but at the same time I think I'd understand if it were me and I saw there was a genuine need for my siblings to have a little more, isn't that also what being a family is about? Not just everything equal all the time.

I'm on the fence a bit tbh as I can see both sides but think in reality, I'd be like your DSis and not make a stink about it.