Help prepare me for awkward conversation!

[MariaK91]

Hiiii
A while ago I posted about my SIL messaging me some quite mean things about how rubbish she thought our (me and DH) Christmas gifts to her family were despite us buying her everything she asked for and going way over budget than we normally do (£120+ spend on her, her husband and baby).

We have not spoken since, I was quite upset and didn't feel like reaching out. I received a message from her asking if I fancied going for a walk around the park with her and baby, and while I normally would love going for walks with people, I'm a bit apprehensive that she is going to bring up the presents again and say mean things about my DH (her own brother!!) which obviously will upset me. She might not, but she might!

Sometimes in situations where there's conflict I freeze up and don't stick up for myself and then later I think 'why didn't I say something' or I just panic and talk jibberish and make things worse. Basically I'm asking if anyone has any advice on what I can say if that situation comes up that will not involve me swearing!! or making things more awkward and in a way that I'm not a jerk about it. I don't want to argue but also don't want to be a doormat. What can I say to shut down the situation without causing more trouble and making things awkward?

It might not even come up, but I am getting anxious about it and I think being prepared for it might make me feel better.

OMG do NOT meet up with her. If you ramble and get flustered in face to face situations like this then deal with it by texting her. You'll then have breathing space to formulate your responses to the almost inevitable bat-shittery she is likely to launch at you. Some excellent examples above and you could pre-prepare some for possible accusations she may throw at you:

Batshit SIL - the presents we bought you were better and more expensive!
You: We bought exactly what you had asked us to buy and regardless feel it's the thought counts the most.
Batshit SIL - I don't know why you can't make more effort, I hope next year will be better.
You: We don't appreciate how rude you have been so moving forwards will just stick to exchanging Christmas cards from now on

As she is the OP's sil, i dont think rejecting the meetup is a good idea.

The problem with that is it allows relatives to treat you like crap. You dont owe anyone your time if they are nasty to you, related or not

Exactly what Yoni said but added in - when you are first assertive and out in boundaries 99.99% of time they push back. My ex sil was a bitch to me when I pushed back assertively she went on the war path with her parents and my DH at the time and had a massive bitch about me but I found less was more. You were rude. So if that happens do not be drawn in or fan the flames. Grey rock - keep it simple and try not to mention or bring it up with others. Then just let it hang and I felt no need to fill the empty silence etc

@Stompythedinosaur

It cam be really helpful to "name the problem" e.g. respond with something like, "I'd usually jump at the chance to see you and the baby, but I was really upset about some of the things you said at Christmas and now I'm worried you're going to bring them up again. Is there a way we can resolve things?"

You'll soon find out whether she wants to maintain your relationship by resolving your differences or just wants to have another go.

If you do need to have a conversation about it, then try and focus on how you felt rather than throwing accusations e.g. "We spent what felt like a lot of money to us, so I was upset when it didn't feel appreciated." Also remember you can set boundaries e.g. "I don't want to continue if you are going to shout/swear at me."

This. Perfect

The idea of even thinking how much someone spent on a present for me is bizarre.

Anyone keeping track of that or using it to determine how important they are to the giver seems like a really sad person to me.

I don’t think you can fill a person like that up with any level of giving, no matter how much you spend.

Why on earth would you want to spend time with this rude ignorant person, just tell her no and the reason why not

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

If spending that money means your family goes without groceries for a week, that IS a lot of money. What a breathtakingly dense post.

OP, just decline to go walking with her. She was horrible rude to you and you are not obliged to her in any way.

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Is this a bad joke ?