Help prepare me for awkward conversation!

[MariaK91]

Hiiii
A while ago I posted about my SIL messaging me some quite mean things about how rubbish she thought our (me and DH) Christmas gifts to her family were despite us buying her everything she asked for and going way over budget than we normally do (£120+ spend on her, her husband and baby).

We have not spoken since, I was quite upset and didn't feel like reaching out. I received a message from her asking if I fancied going for a walk around the park with her and baby, and while I normally would love going for walks with people, I'm a bit apprehensive that she is going to bring up the presents again and say mean things about my DH (her own brother!!) which obviously will upset me. She might not, but she might!

Sometimes in situations where there's conflict I freeze up and don't stick up for myself and then later I think 'why didn't I say something' or I just panic and talk jibberish and make things worse. Basically I'm asking if anyone has any advice on what I can say if that situation comes up that will not involve me swearing!! or making things more awkward and in a way that I'm not a jerk about it. I don't want to argue but also don't want to be a doormat. What can I say to shut down the situation without causing more trouble and making things awkward?

It might not even come up, but I am getting anxious about it and I think being prepared for it might make me feel better.

I have found it helpful to say the second or third thing I wanted to say, and not the first. Lack of confrontation means you bottle up your feelings so the first thing that usually wants to come out of my mouth is a long scream. And some swear words. It’s not freezing it’s that my brain gets bottle necked with all the emotion it’s trying to process and I can’t think.

So deal with it like with a child - instead of the screaming go through the things you’ve listed above (bought everything/ went over budget) add some emotion, bu5 not too much, “ it was sad to hear what you think really of our efforts”
You will find as soon as you manage that first talking point your emotions will get better and you will be able to chat and respond. You will also feel better for having not let it go

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

I wouldn't spend the cost of a week's worth of groceries on a christmas present, or even between three as the OP did. In my mind (and my family) that is very generous. And we don't share lists of 'wants'. Christmas between adults in our family is about gifting something small and thoughtful.

Tbh honest if I spent that much on someone and they were bitching about it I'd say "no I dont fancy a walk this week or ever

Life is better without people like that.

@YoniAndGuy I see your point, I definitely don't want to have to deal with situations like this for the rest of my life. :/

@isitsafetocomeoutyet when i showed him the messages, his reaction was like 'what??? you're joking?? but SHE asked for xyz??' and a rant and a few swear words. He was really hurt by it and since then he hasnt said a word about SIL. I'm on his side completely and outraged that she would say horrible things about him but I'm also really frustrated with him for not handling the situation and I'm peeved that he's just left me in the middle and not said anything to her. IMO he should have told her to stop sending me horrible messages and take any problems up with him. I've done the same thing on his behalf when one of my family members were a jerk to him because I feel I should intervene if my family behave badly towards DH. Since then our relationship with my side has been great for years! DH is a wonderful guy, honestly he is so kind and sweet and intelligent and I adore him, but everyone has bad traits and his bad trait is the way he handles his family.

I'd go, & see if she bought it up.
if so, say, "well we know you weren't happy with the items you asked for, We won't be exchanging Xmas present for adults anymore.
Normally gifts are accepted graciously.
We can't afford it, you aren't grateful. so lets knock it on the head eh.
then Grey Rock the shit out of her.

or

I wouldn't go, I would say, "why don't you go for a walk with someone you actually like ?"

Message your SIL back and tell her about your upset at her unhappiness of the Christmas gift you bought her/her family at her request. Say DH and you have decided next year there will no exchanging Christmas gifts with them and you will just give their DC a token gift (that you choose).

Refuse to be drawn into anymore of the conversation. Say the decision has been made and that the whole Christmas gift giving is expensive and unnecessary when it causes her to ruin your Christmas.

Your SIL sounds unhinged and ungrateful OP and she would be better to buy her own Christmas gift with the money she will save.

I really wonder at posters on MN being so cowed down that they put up with this type of bullshit. Your SIL is a bully and if you don’t sort it out now you have a long row of future Christmases to put up with this nonsense. Speak up, the best outcome is she won’t ever speak to you again.

I also don’t like being on bad terms with people, or in the middle of fights, particularly with family. I don’t think it’ll help if I make it worse.

If you let people walk all over you, people like your sister-in-law will. If you aren't prepared to stand up for yourself then MN can't help.

I wouldnt go either and I'd tell her why. Cheeky cow.
You don't owe her anything OP. Let your partner deal with her if she's his sister.

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

If you can't work that out it's really not worth anyone's time to try and explain it to you.

I think it's outrageous to voice disappointment over a gift. It is such an entitled thing to do especially if the gift is a generous one.
If you aren't loaded then £120 is a lot of money- it certainly would be to me and I would be gutted if I had given generously to be told it wasn't enough.
She sounds like an absolute horror.

Hopefully she has had time to reflect on her outrageous behaviour over the Christmas presents and plans to apologize to you on this walk.

I wouldn’t go. There’s no need to confront her if you feel uncomfortable just decline with a neutral response.
Not this week
Can’t make it on x day
Doesn’t work for me sorry
Too cold/wet etc

And just don’t be drawn in.

She either wants to have round 2 of the Xmas presents or she wants something else either way you could be on your own with her somewhere away from your home so nowhere to escape with her child and be vulnerable to being pressurised or not able to respond/make a scene in front of dn.

It is hard to be in conflict situations, but I suppose there may be an outside chance she wants to apologize? If so, that may help. In any case, if you are likely to see her in future, then meeting now in a neutral place like the park could be a stepping stone to that. Rehearse your arguments in advance (maybe with a friend if that helps) take deep breaths and try to slow down when you are talking, that will help too. It is noticeable how passive you sound, like you are a victim of her. But you have power too. If she is mean you can tell her to stop, and if she is really bad, just walk away. In a park you can just go.

1. that is a lot of money to spend.

Sod the people who think £40? What can you buy for that! I have 2 siblings and so does dh, so that is 8 adults (including spouses). We have decided not to buy presents for adults as it is too much! Instead we buy for the kids. That is still 10 children to buy for. I spend about £15 - £20 per child. (harder as they older) If you have £40 per person to spend, lovely, go ahead, but hardly hard to understand that many don't?

1. You do need to address it. Personally I would say

Sorry, I am reluctant to go walking with you tomorrow after your unkind comments at Christmas. I found them really hurtful. I found it hard to say something at the time, as I was so surprised, but afterwards I was upset.

I would leave it there. She will possibly come back and say - nonsense I was fine. In which case, game over. Or she might say - what did I say? In which case you could give her a simple summary (cost, things on list, time spent choosing and anyway, surely basic manners say that you say Thank You??) Or she might say - Oh no, I didn't realise, I'm so sorry, in which case you have a space to resolve.

As you get tongue tied in person, I would text her, and gte the main points over and done with.
Decide what you want - apology? promise to let it go and not talk about it? want her to admit she was wrong?
What is it that would make you feel better?

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of telling her you were upset but rather appalled at the ingratitude and lack of manners.
Just get a gift for the dc and definitely do not go for a walk with her.

"I'd usually jump at the chance to see you and the baby, but I was really upset about some of the things you said at Christmas and now I'm worried you're going to bring them up again. Is there a way we can resolve things?"

I like this, but doubt it'll work for OP if SIL's idea of a resolution is that she "just makes more effort" - and the update suggests she might

Personally if someone as rude as this raised it, I'd just say "I'm glad you brought this up; it's clear nothing's going to please so I feel we should move to just token gifts in future"

@thefamegame

Imagine you were so broke that you didn't even have a pound. Just because you don't have a pound, does that suddenly make a pound 'a lot of money'? I dont think so.

If you needed to feed your kids and didn't even have a pound for bread, in that circumstance a pound would be a lot of money.

You say you don't think it's healthy to be in conflict with people so you would rather avoid it. But can't you see that what you have here is just unresolved conflict, which will never go away if you don't face it, and which will cause you untold stress in the long run because every interaction with her you will be on edge. You will never be able to let the present thing go, i instead you'll just internalise it, because you've never discussed it for her to realise how ungrateful and hurtful and rude she was being and to then reflect and ultimately apologise.

It's obviously better to say something at the time in situations like this, otherwise it festers and becomes a "big deal". But if you go for this walk and it's not mentioned at all then it will just be the start of future episodes of rudeness from her, no doubt, that she now knows you will just sit back and take. In the end it will all just grind you down and you just won't want to spend time with her anyway as your opinion of her will be permanently damaged.

I've seen this before. Proper family divides, with the mother not speaking to the adult daughter, for example, or vice versa. For YEARS. It's toxic. The other one claims not to have done anything wrong or know what the matter is for the other one not talking to them because the person with the issue didn't like confrontation and resolution of issues at the time, and so just slowly pulled back, ending in not seeing each other at all. You often see it on here. MILS saying "I don't know what I've done wrong but DIL won't speak to me or see me." They genuinely don't seem to have any clue.

It's entirely possible that your SIL just doesn't have any clue at the hurt she has caused. Give her a chance to apologise once you've explained in a text why you are a reluctant to come for a walk with her, and then you are the bigger person. If she then won't apologise for her arsehole behaviour then you will know that she's the kind of person who doesn't share the same values as you and so why, then, would you choose to spend time with her separate from the rest of the family? Family gatherings where you can be polite to each other and enquire how each other are is one thing, wasting time going for walks with someone who is a rude, grabby, unapologetic git is another.

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Only on MN could someone be told that £40 isnt a lot of money to spend on a Christmas present.

You do know we're not all 6 figure earners?

As an aside, I find it amazing that people actually complain about gifts they receive, especially about the amount of money spent, I've never come across that before. We might have commented in private but never top the person giving the present!
As for the OP's question I would go on the walk and if it's brought up say Well it won't be a problem next Christmas, amd leave it there.

Two deep breaths before responding to something upsetting. This works for people who have issues with managing their temper/saying too much, but its also effective if you have the opposite problem because it gives the chance to think before blurting out something appeasing or changing the subject. Also, taking a slight pause before responding makes it look as though you have though about what you are saying (you have!) and lends it more gravitas. Its better to conciously pause than stand there looking upset and feeling flustered.

Something very wrong with people who have expectations that others will spend lots of money on presents for them surely?

I don't think I am particularly tight but I would not spend anything like £40 a head on anyone but my children. I don't understand the need to bankrupt yourself over Christmas especially as the presents are all forgotten two days later.

Good advice about "naming the problem" and doing it first.

My response to stress and conflict is also to freeze. It feels like i just wither.

Completely agree with yoni we teach people how to treat us.

If we allow people to be abusive, say mean things to us, belittle us and we don't say anything then they know they can still treat us this way.

The best thing I ever did was decide I was not going to take shit from people and cut them from my life. I don't worry any more about what they will say or what they said.

You are worrying about something that happened a month ago, you will worry she might bring it up again. You are worried she may say mean things about your Dh as she has history with that. The only way to stop this is to just respond "no thank you" to her asking you to walk.

Stop being nice to her. She was awful to you about the Christmas presents, she needs to be told to fuck off. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have to be best friends with them.

As she is the OP's sil, i dont think rejecting the meetup is a good idea. As phrased upthread, name the problem and say you hope she understands how upsetting her behavior was, no presents next year, and "can i count on you not to attack me again?"