Help prepare me for awkward conversation!

[MariaK91]

Hiiii
A while ago I posted about my SIL messaging me some quite mean things about how rubbish she thought our (me and DH) Christmas gifts to her family were despite us buying her everything she asked for and going way over budget than we normally do (£120+ spend on her, her husband and baby).

We have not spoken since, I was quite upset and didn't feel like reaching out. I received a message from her asking if I fancied going for a walk around the park with her and baby, and while I normally would love going for walks with people, I'm a bit apprehensive that she is going to bring up the presents again and say mean things about my DH (her own brother!!) which obviously will upset me. She might not, but she might!

Sometimes in situations where there's conflict I freeze up and don't stick up for myself and then later I think 'why didn't I say something' or I just panic and talk jibberish and make things worse. Basically I'm asking if anyone has any advice on what I can say if that situation comes up that will not involve me swearing!! or making things more awkward and in a way that I'm not a jerk about it. I don't want to argue but also don't want to be a doormat. What can I say to shut down the situation without causing more trouble and making things awkward?

It might not even come up, but I am getting anxious about it and I think being prepared for it might make me feel better.

[3rdNamechange]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Is this a bad joke ?

[ChaToilLeam]

OP, just decline to go walking with her. She was horrible rude to you and you are not obliged to her in any way.

[ChaToilLeam]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

If spending that money means your family goes without groceries for a week, that IS a lot of money. What a breathtakingly dense post.

[isadoradancing123]

Why on earth would you want to spend time with this rude ignorant person, just tell her no and the reason why not

[ncLindsay]

The idea of even thinking how much someone spent on a present for me is bizarre.

Anyone keeping track of that or using it to determine how important they are to the giver seems like a really sad person to me.

I don’t think you can fill a person like that up with any level of giving, no matter how much you spend.

[Oneearringlost]

@Stompythedinosaur

It cam be really helpful to "name the problem" e.g. respond with something like, "I'd usually jump at the chance to see you and the baby, but I was really upset about some of the things you said at Christmas and now I'm worried you're going to bring them up again. Is there a way we can resolve things?"

You'll soon find out whether she wants to maintain your relationship by resolving your differences or just wants to have another go.

If you do need to have a conversation about it, then try and focus on how you felt rather than throwing accusations e.g. "We spent what felt like a lot of money to us, so I was upset when it didn't feel appreciated." Also remember you can set boundaries e.g. "I don't want to continue if you are going to shout/swear at me."

This. Perfect

[2021hastobebetter]

Exactly what Yoni said but added in - when you are first assertive and out in boundaries 99.99% of time they push back. My ex sil was a bitch to me when I pushed back assertively she went on the war path with her parents and my DH at the time and had a massive bitch about me but I found less was more. You were rude. So if that happens do not be drawn in or fan the flames. Grey rock - keep it simple and try not to mention or bring it up with others. Then just let it hang and I felt no need to fill the empty silence etc

[BonnieDundee]

As she is the OP's sil, i dont think rejecting the meetup is a good idea.

The problem with that is it allows relatives to treat you like crap. You dont owe anyone your time if they are nasty to you, related or not

[CheeseAndHackers]

OMG do NOT meet up with her. If you ramble and get flustered in face to face situations like this then deal with it by texting her. You'll then have breathing space to formulate your responses to the almost inevitable bat-shittery she is likely to launch at you. Some excellent examples above and you could pre-prepare some for possible accusations she may throw at you:

Batshit SIL - the presents we bought you were better and more expensive!
You: We bought exactly what you had asked us to buy and regardless feel it's the thought counts the most.
Batshit SIL - I don't know why you can't make more effort, I hope next year will be better.
You: We don't appreciate how rude you have been so moving forwards will just stick to exchanging Christmas cards from now on

[OwlLovesTea]

As she is the OP's sil, i dont think rejecting the meetup is a good idea. As phrased upthread, name the problem and say you hope she understands how upsetting her behavior was, no presents next year, and "can i count on you not to attack me again?"

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

Completely agree with yoni we teach people how to treat us.

If we allow people to be abusive, say mean things to us, belittle us and we don't say anything then they know they can still treat us this way.

The best thing I ever did was decide I was not going to take shit from people and cut them from my life. I don't worry any more about what they will say or what they said.

You are worrying about something that happened a month ago, you will worry she might bring it up again. You are worried she may say mean things about your Dh as she has history with that. The only way to stop this is to just respond "no thank you" to her asking you to walk.

Stop being nice to her. She was awful to you about the Christmas presents, she needs to be told to fuck off. Just because you are related to someone does not mean you have to be best friends with them.

[OwlLovesTea]

Good advice about "naming the problem" and doing it first.

My response to stress and conflict is also to freeze. It feels like i just wither.

[JoannaDory]

Something very wrong with people who have expectations that others will spend lots of money on presents for them surely?

I don't think I am particularly tight but I would not spend anything like £40 a head on anyone but my children. I don't understand the need to bankrupt yourself over Christmas especially as the presents are all forgotten two days later.

[apalledandshocked]

Two deep breaths before responding to something upsetting. This works for people who have issues with managing their temper/saying too much, but its also effective if you have the opposite problem because it gives the chance to think before blurting out something appeasing or changing the subject. Also, taking a slight pause before responding makes it look as though you have though about what you are saying (you have!) and lends it more gravitas. Its better to conciously pause than stand there looking upset and feeling flustered.

[hansgrueber]

As an aside, I find it amazing that people actually complain about gifts they receive, especially about the amount of money spent, I've never come across that before. We might have commented in private but never top the person giving the present!
As for the OP's question I would go on the walk and if it's brought up say Well it won't be a problem next Christmas, amd leave it there.

[BonnieDundee]

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Only on MN could someone be told that £40 isnt a lot of money to spend on a Christmas present.

You do know we're not all 6 figure earners?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

You say you don't think it's healthy to be in conflict with people so you would rather avoid it. But can't you see that what you have here is just unresolved conflict, which will never go away if you don't face it, and which will cause you untold stress in the long run because every interaction with her you will be on edge. You will never be able to let the present thing go, i instead you'll just internalise it, because you've never discussed it for her to realise how ungrateful and hurtful and rude she was being and to then reflect and ultimately apologise.

It's obviously better to say something at the time in situations like this, otherwise it festers and becomes a "big deal". But if you go for this walk and it's not mentioned at all then it will just be the start of future episodes of rudeness from her, no doubt, that she now knows you will just sit back and take. In the end it will all just grind you down and you just won't want to spend time with her anyway as your opinion of her will be permanently damaged.

I've seen this before. Proper family divides, with the mother not speaking to the adult daughter, for example, or vice versa. For YEARS. It's toxic. The other one claims not to have done anything wrong or know what the matter is for the other one not talking to them because the person with the issue didn't like confrontation and resolution of issues at the time, and so just slowly pulled back, ending in not seeing each other at all. You often see it on here. MILS saying "I don't know what I've done wrong but DIL won't speak to me or see me." They genuinely don't seem to have any clue.

It's entirely possible that your SIL just doesn't have any clue at the hurt she has caused. Give her a chance to apologise once you've explained in a text why you are a reluctant to come for a walk with her, and then you are the bigger person. If she then won't apologise for her arsehole behaviour then you will know that she's the kind of person who doesn't share the same values as you and so why, then, would you choose to spend time with her separate from the rest of the family? Family gatherings where you can be polite to each other and enquire how each other are is one thing, wasting time going for walks with someone who is a rude, grabby, unapologetic git is another.

[lazyarse123]

@thefamegame

Imagine you were so broke that you didn't even have a pound. Just because you don't have a pound, does that suddenly make a pound 'a lot of money'? I dont think so.

If you needed to feed your kids and didn't even have a pound for bread, in that circumstance a pound would be a lot of money.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

"I'd usually jump at the chance to see you and the baby, but I was really upset about some of the things you said at Christmas and now I'm worried you're going to bring them up again. Is there a way we can resolve things?"

I like this, but doubt it'll work for OP if SIL's idea of a resolution is that she "just makes more effort" - and the update suggests she might

Personally if someone as rude as this raised it, I'd just say "I'm glad you brought this up; it's clear nothing's going to please so I feel we should move to just token gifts in future"

[lazyarse123]

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of telling her you were upset but rather appalled at the ingratitude and lack of manners.
Just get a gift for the dc and definitely do not go for a walk with her.

[steppemum]

1. that is a lot of money to spend.
   

Sod the people who think £40? What can you buy for that!
I have 2 siblings and so does dh, so that is 8 adults (including spouses). We have decided not to buy presents for adults as it is too much! Instead we buy for the kids. That is still 10 children to buy for. I spend about £15 - £20 per child. (harder as they older) If you have £40 per person to spend, lovely, go ahead, but hardly hard to understand that many don't?

1. You do need to address it. Personally I would say
   

Sorry, I am reluctant to go walking with you tomorrow after your unkind comments at Christmas. I found them really hurtful. I found it hard to say something at the time, as I was so surprised, but afterwards I was upset.

I would leave it there. She will possibly come back and say - nonsense I was fine. In which case, game over. Or she might say - what did I say? In which case you could give her a simple summary (cost, things on list, time spent choosing and anyway, surely basic manners say that you say Thank You??) Or she might say - Oh no, I didn't realise, I'm so sorry, in which case you have a space to resolve.

As you get tongue tied in person, I would text her, and gte the main points over and done with.
Decide what you want - apology? promise to let it go and not talk about it? want her to admit she was wrong?
What is it that would make you feel better?

[SunsetSenora]

It is hard to be in conflict situations, but I suppose there may be an outside chance she wants to apologize? If so, that may help. In any case, if you are likely to see her in future, then meeting now in a neutral place like the park could be a stepping stone to that. Rehearse your arguments in advance (maybe with a friend if that helps) take deep breaths and try to slow down when you are talking, that will help too. It is noticeable how passive you sound, like you are a victim of her. But you have power too. If she is mean you can tell her to stop, and if she is really bad, just walk away. In a park you can just go.

[Berthatydfil]

I wouldn’t go. There’s no need to confront her if you feel uncomfortable just decline with a neutral response.
Not this week
Can’t make it on x day
Doesn’t work for me sorry
Too cold/wet etc

And just don’t be drawn in.

She either wants to have round 2 of the Xmas presents or she wants something else either way you could be on your own with her somewhere away from your home so nowhere to escape with her child and be vulnerable to being pressurised or not able to respond/make a scene in front of dn.

[sage46]

Hopefully she has had time to reflect on her outrageous behaviour over the Christmas presents and plans to apologize to you on this walk.

[BigButtons]

I think it's outrageous to voice disappointment over a gift. It is such an entitled thing to do especially if the gift is a generous one.
If you aren't loaded then £120 is a lot of money- it certainly would be to me and I would be gutted if I had given generously to be told it wasn't enough.
She sounds like an absolute horror.