Help prepare me for awkward conversation!

[MariaK91]

Hiiii
A while ago I posted about my SIL messaging me some quite mean things about how rubbish she thought our (me and DH) Christmas gifts to her family were despite us buying her everything she asked for and going way over budget than we normally do (£120+ spend on her, her husband and baby).

We have not spoken since, I was quite upset and didn't feel like reaching out. I received a message from her asking if I fancied going for a walk around the park with her and baby, and while I normally would love going for walks with people, I'm a bit apprehensive that she is going to bring up the presents again and say mean things about my DH (her own brother!!) which obviously will upset me. She might not, but she might!

Sometimes in situations where there's conflict I freeze up and don't stick up for myself and then later I think 'why didn't I say something' or I just panic and talk jibberish and make things worse. Basically I'm asking if anyone has any advice on what I can say if that situation comes up that will not involve me swearing!! or making things more awkward and in a way that I'm not a jerk about it. I don't want to argue but also don't want to be a doormat. What can I say to shut down the situation without causing more trouble and making things awkward?

It might not even come up, but I am getting anxious about it and I think being prepared for it might make me feel better.

[YoniAndGuy]

Wow - honestly, I really think you need to draw a boundary here. She clearly has zero respect for you - please don't go belly-crawling with a 'oooh how can we make it better' message. You make it better, in the long run, by being absolutely clear that it is not fucking ok to be so hideously rude. You turn down the invitation to go for a walk. If pushed, you reply 'Surely you know why I'm not in the mood to go walking with you? You were breathtakingly rude over the Christmas presents. Nothing you said was even vaguely ok. I don't want to argue. But if you ever speak to me like that again we are done, and right now I think a break is a good idea.'

[CeibaTree]

Agree with the two first posters - take control of the situation. And you can do this via text if you would find saying these things out loud too uncomfortable. What was your relationship with her like before the Christmas stuff? If it was good, then worth trying to clear the air - but if not I'd be wary and wonder what she really was up to in asking to see you!

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

She doesn't like you. She wants to meet up because she wants something not because she enjoys your company. Decline the offer.

Yup.

I had someone like this in my family. She became very toxic & rejected me unless I met her demands to do excessive things, so I edged out of the relationship & she didn't contact me for several years. Then, out of the blue I got a birthday card for the first time in over 10 years: the measliest, most grudging card imaginable & with no letter or explanation.

I couldn't understand it until I did the math as they say, & realised her daughter had a major birthday coming up a month after mine. I was meant to jump to it & send back a card & expensive present for her daughter.

I didn't.

The sad bit is, I really loved her daughter & we got on fantastically. I would've loved to keep in touch with her & help celebrate her big day. But once I'd gone NC with my older relative, I lost her entire family.

[OhGingleBells]

Do you think she is feeling guilty about what happened and is offering this walk as an olive branch? Maybe she is planning to apologise to you? It would be sad for baby to be stuck in the middle of this so hopefully she has realised that. I agree with other posters - just give a dismissive “I’m sorry you feel that way, perhaps you should discuss it with DH.” and then change the subject.”

[rubabayaga]

I went back and read your other thread. It seems she's been very rude to you and your husband - rude to demand specific presents for her and her baby, and then rude to state she's disappointed in them (I can't really get my head around that part, given the gifts were what she requested tbh). Although you've stated you find it hard to stick up for yourself, I would really try and do that in this instance in order to set some boundaries with your SIL. If not her behaviour will continue and your resentment will grow. It's very hard to sweep things like this under the carpet - think of it as choosing to tackle this for the overall good of the relationship. To do this, I agree with the posters saying to be the one that brings it up, and ask all the relevant questions. If she gets angry, speaks badly about your husband, or changes the subject, just return to the question and repeat it back to her.
If you don't feel like you can do this as it feels too confrontational, perhaps just a text saying "No thanks" to the walk will make the point, although I'd be very tempted to go with Meowchickameowmeows slightly longer response
Out of interest, what did she get for you and your Husband for Christmas?

[DowntonCrabby]

It would be a ‘no thanks” to the walk from me too.

Cow.

[WhateverJudy]

@YoniAndGuy

Wow - honestly, I really think you need to draw a boundary here. She clearly has zero respect for you - please don't go belly-crawling with a 'oooh how can we make it better' message. You make it better, in the long run, by being absolutely clear that it is not fucking ok to be so hideously rude. You turn down the invitation to go for a walk. If pushed, you reply 'Surely you know why I'm not in the mood to go walking with you? You were breathtakingly rude over the Christmas presents. Nothing you said was even vaguely ok. I don't want to argue. But if you ever speak to me like that again we are done, and right now I think a break is a good idea.'

This! She has been outrageously obnoxious and rude and without a genuine and heartfelt apology, no way would I be interested in meeting her and I wouldn't dream of sending a soft message about 'how can we resolve this'?! It implies it's some kind of two way argument where you were both in the wrong and gives her the perfect get out for actually apologising to you.

I would reply with:

'Before Christmas I would have said yes of course I would love to meet up but I'm still shocked and very upset about your breathtaking rudeness over the expensive Christmas presents we bought you. That sort of thing isn't forgotten instantly and certainly not without an apology. So right now, no I don't want to meet up'.

[Beautiful3]

Agree with stompydinosaurs response. Just send it, allow her to apologise then move on. It would be nice to go for a walk with her.

[1forAll74]

Why do you think that your SIL want's to go for a walk with you. Surely it's not to perpetuate the issues regarding her complaints about your gifts to her before. If this would be the case,then she is not worth bothering with, as being ungrateful about gifts,is nasty and mean.

Maybe a walk in the park,is her way, of kind of wanting to gloss over this issue,and a silent way of being sorry, But either way,she was the one being ungrateful,and you have nothing to worry about at all.

[thefamegame]

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

[AliceMcK]

My response would be thanks but no thanks, after your messages about our rubbish presents I find you very ungrateful and rude. Now you want us to be friends. I have no desire to go for a walk with someone who criticising me and MY DH the way you have done. If you want to apologise and move on that’s fine but until then I don’t think we have much to say.

If she has a history of criticising your DH I would also say that I also have no desire to spend time with someone who regularly criticises my DH to my face, even if you are his sister.

I’d never let my SIL criticise my DH even if she is his sister. If they have issues between them, then it stays between them, put if she slagged him off to me I would 100% defend him even if he was in the wrong.

What has your DH said about her messages?

Also I’d stop buying for them, fine by the baby something but not the parents.

[SanFranBear]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Really? Great for you that £120 is so little money you can't possibly understand why someone else may have struggled to find it.

WTF is wrong with some people?

[Dozycuntlaters]

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

thefame £120 IS a lot of money, you do realise that some people don't have that much spare every month, let alone for presents? Goodness me, your ignorance just on that is breath taking!

[picklemewalnuts]

@thefamegame it depends how much is usually spent. We don't spend £40 a head, more like £20. The people we buy for don't need things and don't go without. Presents are little extras, big things people prefer to choose themselves. We'll club together if there are bigger things that need buying.

[sarahC40]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Ridiculous! How offensive.

[diddl]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Doesn't matter if you think it's a lot of money or pocket change.

Op's SIL was bought what she wanted & was rude about it!

[thefamegame]

Imagine you were so broke that you didn't even have a pound. Just because you don't have a pound, does that suddenly make a pound 'a lot of money'? I dont think so.

[picklemewalnuts]

"I'm surprised you want to meet up after what you said at Christmas."

[TibetanTerrier]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

If £120 is just small change to you, you're very lucky. It's a lot of money to normal people.

[SummerBlondey]

"SIL, No not up for meeting for a walk. After your rude comments about your Christmas gifts, I have no desire to meet with you ever again, so I suggest that you fuck off and lose my number"

[SanFranBear]

@thefamegame

Imagine you were so broke that you didn't even have a pound. Just because you don't have a pound, does that suddenly make a pound 'a lot of money'? I dont think so.

I'd stop, if I was you - you're not coming across well here! FFS - there are some twats on MN these days!

[MatildaStoker]

@thefamegame

£120 is about a weeks worth of groceries for a family of four. I wouldn't consider it to be a lot of money especially shared between 3 for presents. That's £40/person, what can that buy? Can someone tell me how it's a lot of money?

Depends how much disposable income you have, doesn’t it? Some people have a lot less money than others.

And also depends on how much is usually spent.
If the usual spend on Christmas presents per person was around £10 per person, then going up to £40 per person would be a lot of money in comparison.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

If you spent £120 and they spent £20, would that make it a lot of money? It’s all relative, as OP knows her finances, something of in-laws finances and the culture of their family and gift giving, can’t we just accept that £120 was a lot?

My family could spend more on Christmas, but we usually set a £10-20 limit per head, even with secret Santa.

I would cool it with her, she was so rude.

[CareBear50]

I think fame game is a selfish unsympathetic troll

[silverbubbles]

I think it would be better to just go. It's going to be stressful worrying what she might or might not say and how you are going to respond.
Why bother with this?

She is not going to agree with your opinion that she is rude and she is not going to change. You will just end up wishing you had not gone.