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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think inherited money is not family money

479 replies

Viviennemary · 26/01/2021 18:41

There have been a lot of threads about partners not sharing their earnings when the other person earns less or is a SAHP. And of course money needs to be dealt with in a fair way and shared with the other person having access.

But what about inherited money. I think that belongs totally to the person inheriting. Of course if it was a huge sum you would probably give something to your partner but I certainly wouldn't think it was half theirs.

OP posts:
NellyJames · 26/01/2021 19:55

@saraclara, I just think that when you chose to get married, that’s what you’re signing up for. When we first married, DH was at law school and I fully supported all. Then my mother died and we used that money to pay off his student debts. But then we had children and I SAH for a good few years and he fully supported me financially. Not by giving me money but by me having full access to all he earned. None of these decisions needed to be debated nor discussed. We were married (just married when I was paying for everything) so it was a given. 🤷‍♀️

bigbird1969 · 26/01/2021 19:55

Sorry but I dont view inherited money as shared. My DP inherited money from his gran. I at no point considered it mine. Not sure why I would? We both worked full time, had decent wages and a joint mortgage and DC too. He did spend it on things for the family. however I would never have directed him on what he should do. I hope for those who happily paid for the family home and or paid large deposits for shared homes have kept records. As given the divorce rate you would be very foolish not to protect large assets.

Kottbullar · 26/01/2021 19:56

There are too many variables to give a definite answer.

I inherited £1000 20 odd years ago. We were very young, with a baby, in our first house and very skint, it went as family money and paid for our first (tiny) kitchen, a rare night out and we put a little away for DC.
I received the same from a family friend a couple of years ago we are no longer hard up there's nothing the family needed and so I bought something far more frivolous just for me.

I don't agree with flour about inheritance being always for the next generation either. If we have grandchildren we will leave them money of their own, what we leave for our children will be for them to use as they wish.
IME this kind of chain creates issues when there is a sibling without children.

cptartapp · 26/01/2021 19:58

flour it seems strange they don't spend it and show love whilst they're still alive to see the benefits. Share it around, enjoy it together.
I think some people are sadly mistaken if they think their life savings are going to sit in the bank of their DC for many more years before being moved on down again through the next generation. It very often doesn't happen. I think thats what PIL expect. DH is far more live for today, so they're badly mistaken.
So it is sad, when they could have done so much more with it.

Echobelly · 26/01/2021 19:58

I inherited quite a lot of money from my grandfather two years ago, DH made no assumptions about it - but I made clear early on I wanted to pay off mortgage and, if there was enough, pay for a loft conversion and roof repair (there is, just about), so basically it is paying for stuff for all the family. I have put some in longer-term investments, as I don't want to use it all up - I feel uneasy if I don't have a decent buffer of savings.

CokeAndPepsi · 26/01/2021 19:59

@AStudyinPink

In our house, inherited money is the same as other money: joint and shared. That’s what we said in our marriage vows so that’s what we do.
This is the same for us. There’s no distinction between his and mine so I couldn’t “give” him some even if I wanted to.
BendingSpoons · 26/01/2021 19:59

DH and I are both responsible with money so have completely joint finances with no issues. He got inheritance and we put it towards our house purchase. My inheritance bought us a new roof. We possibly need to live a little Grin We are lucky that we have enough money for our modest day to day wishes.

Jarstastic · 26/01/2021 19:59

My understanding* is that in a divorce situation, inheritance isn't automatically put in the joint matrimonial pot in the same way that earnings would be. However is complicated if the money had been put into the marriage e.g had paid off mortgage on family home.

Aside from that I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, it depends on the relationship just in the same way some people separate money and some people put everything into on pot. Also depends on circumstances e.g. the same person could see it differently if they had married young and stayed with same person or when they marry older, number of children their new spouse has compared to them etc.

(*I may well be wrong, not a lawyer! Just read up on a it a while back)

LetMeOut2021 · 26/01/2021 20:00

All our money is joint, no matter me then source.

BackforGood · 26/01/2021 20:00

Why would you not want to share an inhertance with your spouse and/or children? I can’t imagine getting a lot of money and keeping it to myself.

This ^
I can only talk about what I did, in my marriage, loving my dh and my dc as I do.

I realise people use the work "partner" differently from other people - if you are not in a long time, solid relationship, then you will presumably feel differently. For me, part of that commitment in our marriage ceremony was that sharing of all things, be that wealth or poverty, sickness or health etc. The good times and the bad.

This is, presuming you are talking about a sizeable amount of money.
If either of us received a gift in a will - £200 or something - then we would (at our stage of life, when we are no longer broke) leave that to the individual to choose to treat themself to something or buy something to remind them of that person.

PlanDeRaccordement · 26/01/2021 20:00

I don’t think either approach is unreasonable. The important thing is that whoever your partner is has the same approach you do.

For us, it’s joint money. But it’s not unreasonable of other couples feel it is separate money.

Milkshake7489 · 26/01/2021 20:01

It depends on the couples circumstances surely? Do they have children, are they married, is one a SAHP?

For me all money is shared, full stop. When I got married we made a promise to share our lives entirely and I take that really seriously.

If I was in a new relationship maybe I'd feel differently 🤷‍♀️

Pugliandreamer · 26/01/2021 20:01

All our money is shared money. The only thing we said when my DH inherited a small amount was that he could buy himself a luxury item he had been covering but we couldn't really justify. The rest then went in the family pot.

GintyMcGinty · 26/01/2021 20:02

you are either a family or not.

our money, not his and hers

SpeckledyHen · 26/01/2021 20:03

Family money if married . Otherwise not .

Weirdlynormal · 26/01/2021 20:03

I can’t see how larger amounts are anything other than family money. My DH inherited £1.2M. I suppose he could have switched job or gone off on his travels, but surely he wants the people he loves as part of his life. We are both still working, we have a bigger house, we have money in both our names for tax efficiency. How could he have ‘kept’ it all?

Lurcherloves · 26/01/2021 20:03

It really depends on your relationship. My DH has been so good to me I would think it would be fair to share inheritance and benefit our family unit with financial security.

flourandeggs · 26/01/2021 20:03

@cptartapp but if it makes them happy to save their money then why does it matter to you? and if you choose to do it differently when they pass the money on to you then that will be up to you but you might be quite glad they weren’t big spenders when the money gets passed on. We are all so different and can be respectful of others choices I hope. I think that spending inheritance on house or mortgage is one thing as that then gets passed on anyway, but frittering it away on eg clothes then not passing it on to the next generation is different. But that is my opinion and I am not judging you on yours.

HolaChicos · 26/01/2021 20:04

Definitely shared here. There won't be anything from DHs family but my DM has already given us an inheritance chunk which has gone towards a house in both our names and she will be leaving her house to Dsis and me in her will, DH and I will decide together what to do with it.

funksoulmother · 26/01/2021 20:05

A large portion of inheritance I receive will be put into my pension to make up for the lack of contributions in SAHM years. If we are together, the income will benefit both of us.
His will be significantly higher (no siblings), I imagine we would put it towards a property abroad (also for retirement), although this hasn’t been discussed so he doesn’t know yet Grin

FanciedanewnameAnne · 26/01/2021 20:07

A partnership is equal in my eyes otherwise it isn't a partnership. That works both ways too.
YABU and greedy.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/01/2021 20:07

Unmarried couple, absolutely not. I would consider any inheritance to be the sole property of the inheritor.

Married couple, it depends on the amount, the 'state' of the marriage, and how financially responsible the non-inheritor is. But the bottom line is that I'd see it as the decision of the inheritor.

Witchend · 26/01/2021 20:07

I think it depends. I think it would be perfectly reasonable for the person who inherited to spend some of it on something they could remember the person by. It would not be reasonable for the one who didn't inherit to expect it to go on their debt or their hobby.

I would expect to discuss it if it was a reasonable amount, and the person who inherited to have the deciding vote.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/01/2021 20:08

Was joint here too. I've inherited a fair amount and him nothing but I see it as family and joint money.

AtseneGatnalp · 26/01/2021 20:08

@Mummyoflittledragon

I inherited a house. It is in my name and I rent it out. But the income goes into our joint account. Dh will inherit the house if I die with instructions to give it to dd once received. It wouldn’t make sense to make it joint for tax reasons. I will probably change this when dd is older. But she’s still a minor.
This stood out to me. Why haven't you left the house to your DD in trust, until she's 18/21/35/whatever age you choose? Your husband could be the trustee, but wouldn't inherit the house himself.

I don't mean this in a challenging way - genuinely interested, as I've done it the way I mention, and it never crossed my mind to do it any other way.

Someone further up the thread asked If my parents died and left me their house and I used it to pay off my mortgage, what would happen if I got divorced? My parents would want me to have the house and not my ex husband!

In my experience, absolutely everything goes into the divorce pot, regardless of who has paid for what, or how.

If I ever re-married, I would get a pre-nup as I wouldn't want any man to be able to inherit anything that is rightfully my children's (and I would expect my imaginary future huband to protect his children's interests in the same way).