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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think inherited money is not family money

479 replies

Viviennemary · 26/01/2021 18:41

There have been a lot of threads about partners not sharing their earnings when the other person earns less or is a SAHP. And of course money needs to be dealt with in a fair way and shared with the other person having access.

But what about inherited money. I think that belongs totally to the person inheriting. Of course if it was a huge sum you would probably give something to your partner but I certainly wouldn't think it was half theirs.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 26/01/2021 19:36

My husband and I agree that the inheritor gets to decide how the inheritance is spent for the benefit of both - assuming we don't have an obvious thing to spend it on.

I.e. If I were to inherit enough to give myself a passive income of 35k a year (my current salary), then I could decide to give up work or go part time and then be a SAHM, or my husband might decide to invest in a property etc. (numbers made up!). So we both benefit, but the person is free to decide how.

Right balance to us between the benefit of the individual and the family.

Confusedandshaken · 26/01/2021 19:36

Like most people I disagree OP. Any money that comes in, earned, inheritance, PB win, whatever - it's our money. This has applied from the day we bought our first property together. 2 months later I sold my own home for a £25000 profit ( a small fortune back in the 80s). That 25K was ours. We were a team. I no longer earn anything and DH earns 6 figures but what comes in belongs to both of us.

NellyJames · 26/01/2021 19:36

All joint family money here.

@saraclara, so if your daughter got ill or became disabled and her income dropped dramatically, should her husband be wary of supporting her because they’ve only been married 1yr or should he support her less than if they’ve been married 10yrs? If those scenarios sound ridiculous to you then so must the idea that you should be more wary simply because their marriage is very new.

unmarkedbythat · 26/01/2021 19:37

I cannot imagine already being so rich that I would not need to spend any inheritance that came my way, or having an inheritance that generated sufficient interest to spend on anything more than a packet of crisps. How the other half live!

LizFlowers · 26/01/2021 19:37

@moonlight1705

Well if I inherited (not a given), I would use it to pay off the mortgage and do things on the house. I wouldn't 'give' half to my DH but he and the family pot would massively benefit.

However I would take a lump sum just for myself if funds allowed to do something just for me.

Me too.
CouldBeOuting · 26/01/2021 19:38

In our house ALL money is OUR money. We have inherited less than £10k between us but it was definitely family money.

Daisypaisy2 · 26/01/2021 19:38

I would share but it would not be 50/50.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 26/01/2021 19:38

Family money here too

AnneElliott · 26/01/2021 19:39

It would be our money but the one who inherited would get the final say. But we'd spend it on things that benefitted the family and our DS.

maddiemookins16mum · 26/01/2021 19:40

I inherited 55K, it went towards our joint mortgage.

flourandeggs · 26/01/2021 19:40

@cptartapp but maybe they are happy in the knowledge that they will pass on the maximum they can - that is how some people show love! We all have different views about money (world would be pretty dull otherwise) and I am sorry that your PIL’s choices wind you up. But beyond being comfortable, housed, having the odd adventure and making sure that our children are well educated we don’t really want much more and so are happy to save the pot to pass on - and any pot of money we make ourselves and own home of course. I just don’t feel the need to live beyond our earned means and I love thinking that this money has passed through generations and we will do the same. It’s not mega amounts but I don’t feel it is ours to spend it is ours to pass on, that is our responsibility.

riotlady · 26/01/2021 19:40

I think it should be joint. Fair enough to take a small amount to treat yourself but surely you’d use the rest for the family benefit?

Serin · 26/01/2021 19:43

Love shares.

hellywelly3 · 26/01/2021 19:45

All money is family money in our house.

saraclara · 26/01/2021 19:45

@NellyJames

All joint family money here.

@saraclara, so if your daughter got ill or became disabled and her income dropped dramatically, should her husband be wary of supporting her because they’ve only been married 1yr or should he support her less than if they’ve been married 10yrs? If those scenarios sound ridiculous to you then so must the idea that you should be more wary simply because their marriage is very new.

I think a relationship breaking up/a divorce is much more likely, don't you? I believe the stats on the latter are 40% or more. Thankfully becoming disabled isn't of that level of likelihood.

Likewise a decision to care for someone disabled is a day by day choice. The carer might stick around, but they also have the option at any point, to walk away. The decision isn't done and over.
Claiming half of an inheritance is a one-off decision. Once made the money is gone, and there's no going back.

I'm not saying that I don't want the money shared. But I would like my DD's to be protected from half the money disappearing overnight with their partner. But legally I don't think that's possible after marriage.

I saw that happen with one of my friends. She was left a house in an inheritance from her DGM. A month later her husband left her, and ultimately claimed half of the value. Funny that after 25 years of marriage he chose that moment to leave her, don't you think?

AnnaMagnani · 26/01/2021 19:47

Just to add from my previous comment, in my relationship I earn all the money but DH will be doing all the inheriting. A lot of inheriting.

When he recently had an inheritance MIL made a comment about making sure it didn't get spent on or by me - it really upset DH given he lives in a house bought by me, on income earned by me -not his fault, he became disabled - but the pettiness hurt him and it isn't how he intends to behave in his marriage.

We did spend a lot of it on stuff related to his disability but, we would have spent that anyway. It was just good that we got a funding boost.

MIL can go and boil her head.

Cherrysoup · 26/01/2021 19:48

I think the amount is key. My DH recently got £8K in an inheritance. He has spent the majority on himself as I pushed him to do. Had I been left the same, I’d have out buying a new horse, so fair enough. Were it the proceeds of a house sale, then it would probably just be shared.

Nancydrawn · 26/01/2021 19:50

Here inheritances, on each side, went into separate trusts. Yearly annuities from the trusts are family money (slightly uneven proportions but not by a huge amount), but the trusts are held in individual names.

The trusts weren't our choice but are useful. On an annual basis, we just treat the revenue as any other sort of income and it's shared.

shamalidacdak · 26/01/2021 19:50

Legally it belongs to both of you. Morally it's all mine because that's what my parents wanted.

thedancingbear · 26/01/2021 19:50

I think the technically correct approach is that, if a woman inherits it, it is her money, and if her DH inherits, then it is family money.

1940s · 26/01/2021 19:51

We are comfortable financially, if I inherited 10k or less it would feel like 'my' money as I wouldn't need to put it in a joint place. I'd probably choose to do a holiday for us all or put a chunk in kids bank accounts. Anything substantial over 10k would be treated as family money. We would decide the best place to invest / save or pay off mortgage. I'd never consider a large sun of money to be 'mine' in a marriage.

MrsSmith2021 · 26/01/2021 19:51

If you’re married, it’s family money. If you’re in a long term relationship living as if you’re married, I would hope it’s family money. If you have children, it’s family money. In short, it’s family money in my eyes. You’ve made a family with that person. How that money comes to you is irrelevant.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 26/01/2021 19:52

DH inherited 85k. It's his money.
He spent 10k on a holiday and bought new second hand cars for both of us.
He has saved the rest of it, around 45k. Which gives both of us peace of mind.
Mind you, we were within 2 years of a big push to pay off our mortgage.
If we had been younger it would have been used to buy a house/a bigger house etc.
I doubt I will inherit, but if I did it would mostly go to the dds.

Notcrackersyet · 26/01/2021 19:54

I’m not on the U.K. here inheritance is protected in divorce situations

Notcrackersyet · 26/01/2021 19:55

@thedancingbear

I think the technically correct approach is that, if a woman inherits it, it is her money, and if her DH inherits, then it is family money.
The mumsnet way!