To think inherited money is not family money

[Viviennemary]

There have been a lot of threads about partners not sharing their earnings when the other person earns less or is a SAHP. And of course money needs to be dealt with in a fair way and shared with the other person having access.

But what about inherited money. I think that belongs totally to the person inheriting. Of course if it was a huge sum you would probably give something to your partner but I certainly wouldn't think it was half theirs.

Straight forward, first marriages...it’s straightforward for most to have shared money. If the relationship is stable, there is trust and no financial difficulties such as one person running up debts or spending very selfishly, shared money of all types feels right.....and it being shared builds the bonds of the relationship.

Other relationships...not so straightforward. Uncertainty about long term commitment, unstable relationships - might not be a good idea. or relationships where one person is very poor with money or runs up big debts or is selfish and likely to access money and spend it in themselves without discussion, then maybe not a good idea. Or second marriages or a relationship where there are children from a previous relationship...people might ring fence some money or assets away from the joint pot for those children.

Fortunately for them, lots of people are in pretty straightforward, long term trusting marriages. It is inconceivable to many of them to do anything but share all wealth and discuss and make joint decisions about big spends. Although they all know there is no 100% guarantee the relationship will last, they feel secure enough in it to trust their spouse financially and the legal system to look after them if it doesn’t. They co e to these issues from the point if view of this stable, straightforward marriage and find it hard to understand the baggage many people have which means they don’t feel trusting like this or that in circumstances of unstable or uncommitted relationships, or where there are blended relationships with children from other partners, or simply untrustworthy partners who they know may well not be around in a few months or years...keeping the finances separate is a wise choice.

Older widows and widowers have always remarried and faced the issues of pooling resources whilst also ensuring their children get their inheritances. There have always been feckless partners who can’t be trusted with money if spend it all in the out leaving no money for food for the family. Some of the other issues arise from societies where people move In together fairly quickly but without much level of commitment, and can be in a situation of drift for years - where neither knows if they are life partners or not, and the lack of a point where that choice is specifically made and is made legally, means there is uncertainty and concern about finances. And for those who are unmarried, it is good to be careful and not pool everything because you are more at risk of being left high and dry.

It's family money in our house. Dh has had all the inheritance he's likely to get, and he used it to pay a chunk off the mortgage and then a modest UK family holiday. When I get my inheritance (hopefully many years away yet, parents are only early 70s) it'll go on paying off the last of the mortgage or of we've finished paying that already it'll go towards helping our dds with house deposits or uni costs (depending on their situation when it happens). I couldn't dream of keeping it for myself while dh or dds were struggling.

Joint here, everything is family money

DH got a biggish inheritance and has more to come hopefully not very soon. He treats it as family money. But I don't, not really. If it's spent on the house or other family costs that's great but I wouldn't suggest how we spend it. I will get a tiny inheritance if anything and will probably give it straight to the kids one way or another. Or I might give some to my nephews who will get very little.

@unbotheredbutbewildered

I think the question you should have asked OP was 'How much would someone need to inherit before the inheritance was not considered not for sharing (50/50).'

I can't see many people being willing to split £600K equally with their husband/wife/partner. I definitely bloody wouldn't - £10K, yes. But £600K? You never know what life might throw at you - cheating partner etc. Always best to have some secure and tucked away IMO.

I would also be interested to know how many of the people who have said they would share are the same people who were angry in a Post the other week about a husband using his 'wife's money' in the joint account to pay for his mum to have surgery!

I think I'd be more liberal with the £600k! That's household-scale money, for buying property. That's a family thing. Even if we split, it's the children who will eventually get it. What am I going to do with £600k on my own? Especially when it just fell into my lap. And I can easily tuck away a bit into my own savings account without making much of a dent in it.

Whereas £10k, I could more easily see the rationale of "this is for a big treat and I'm going to decide what" - whether it be a special holiday, a master's degree... (But I still wouldn't decide on this without discussion).

Inherited money shared here. Dh inherited about 15k and we used it all to reduce the mortgage.

It’s a marriage. You share everything.

How would we split £600K?

Well I don't think there would be any arguments that we should be paying off the mortgage or I should be working less, or that the house should be repaired for starters.

I think one person sitting on £600K while the other slaved would be harder to swallow than not sharing a smaller amount.

I would argue it's much easier to see how a life-changing amount would be shared.

Exactly @WombatChocolate. Very well put.

As Sn0tnose says, we will all look at this from our own perspectives, and those of us saying 'of course it would be our joint money' obviously live with reasonable partners that we know would discuss things sensibly with and have largely similar proposals and be the sort of people willing to work out a compromise when we had different ideas. Unfortunately, not everyone's partner is like that. I suspect, if mine weren't, then I'd have answered differently too.

With no nursing care and a fair wind I will inherit anything between £150 -£200k

I will splurge a small amount on some expensive shoes, and boots (she would totally approve) an all you spend lunch (doesn't take much these days at the Ivy or the equivalent and the rest goes into the joint pot.

Always find it odd when married couples have separate money.

Legally, whats his is hers and what’s hers is his anyway and if they split up tomorrow it would be 50:50 anyway...

Different if you’re not married of course because legally it’s not recognised

Depends on what sort of relationship you have, I guess. I, for one, would consider any inheritance as 'family money' & it would be a joint decision with my husband as to what we did with it.

My husband has always earned more than me - it's never been an issue & he's always used his bonuses for house things or towards holidays or stuff for the kids, etc. I've had a couple of PPI payouts & a small inheritance from my gran - all of which have been used on the house or for things which benefited the whole family- it never even entered my head to consider the inheritance money 'just mine'.

The only time he's ever 'kept' money to spend purely on himself (other than birthdays etc - obviously!) was a few hundred quid's worth of vouchers given to him by his company as a long service award & I insisted that he treat himself for once!

All shared here.

Totally shared, like all other money.

I think it can be three different ways.

1. Kept for sole use by the person inheriting, Not a good option in my view and would make me think my marriage wasn't solid.
2. Put in to the family pot to be used by the family on agreed upon purchases or investments. A much better alternative but, for me, perhaps swinging more in the beneficiary's favour where compromise can't be reached.

Or, put in to a shared pot where the husband or wife who did not inherit, decides how to spend his/her half and just takes it. This I don't like. I'd be pretty sad if my DH did this with my late dad's money.

And as others have said, I don't think inheritance should be taken into account in the event of a divorce in case the partner was simply holding out, waiting on the windfall to take half and split.

off topic but for those with the big sums how are you all avoiding tax?

It’s absolutely shared here. I would probably decide what we do with it as I do our finances. If it were dh inheriting I’d put more effort than usual in sounding out what he wanted to do with it.
Furniture is different- if we inherited sentimental furniture and split up I’d expect Each of us to get our furniture.
But any inheritance would come from our parents so I hope this doesn’t come up for decades yet.

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health and forsaking all others"

This is what we promised and what we do.

It’s an interesting question. I’d like to say it’s family money. However in my case, I will inherit money soon. My husband will likely not inherit any money for potentially another 15 or so years. I would use my inheritance to pay off our mortgage, but then, say we divorce (not on the cards but you never know) he would get half the house, so half my inheritance. Then he would inherit his money years down the line and I wouldn’t get any of that

Course it's 'family money'. I'll never understand these marriages/families where your money is yours and mine is mine and we will each pay this and that and ill lend a tenner off you. You must really not trust or even perhaps plan on being in your relationship until death do us part huh

@bluebeach

It’s an interesting question. I’d like to say it’s family money. However in my case, I will inherit money soon. My husband will likely not inherit any money for potentially another 15 or so years. I would use my inheritance to pay off our mortgage, but then, say we divorce (not on the cards but you never know) he would get half the house, so half my inheritance. Then he would inherit his money years down the line and I wouldn’t get any of that

My friend had a situation like this, she held out for a future inherited wealth divorce settlement.

I inherited and will use some of it for the kids savings and family holidays etc. Hoping we can all go to Oz one day! But I have had low paid part time jobs as I've brought the kids up, while DH has built a great career and a big pension. I have no pension so I have invested a big chunk into a pension and other assets for my old age. I think it's wise that I have some financial security for the future as my earnings will never be high, unlike DH.

@donutscoff

off topic but for those with the big sums how are you all avoiding tax?

I pay tax on the income from my investments. If I sold a tranch of them, I might have to pay Capital Gains Tax.

DF gave me a fairly large advance on my inheritance (which, as he lived more than 7 years after, was not subject to Inheritance Tax when he died. Ex inherited from his DM. I put my advance in both our names, he put his legacy into the family pot.

Here's the catch. He was a cocklodger, never earned more than 9K a year. Hobby businesses, and a stint as a trainer once a month at weekends. I had various jobs, but stopped working after experiencing serious mental health issues (yes, I do think he was partly to blame).

But the other thing was, he didn't seem to want to buy things, such as clothes for himself - about once every 2 years I dragged him to Marks to get some. He seemed to think this was a good thing.

In the end I divorced him, and our joint assets got divided by 2. So when DF died, my inheritance was all mine.

Phew! I needed to write that...

All our money is family money. What would you do with inheritance as personal money? Mine went on our house, paid debts, saving for kids university, holidays and rainy day fund.

I think the fact that I met dh when we were young and broke probably helps. If I was entering a relationship later in life I might feel differently?

What could you buy with it that wouldn't be shared with your spouse anyway? Carpets they couldn't walk on, house renovations they couldn't use, a car they couldn't get in, holidays they couldn't accompany you on?