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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
Pinotwoman82 · 27/01/2021 10:52

I know you don’t want to move away but is there any way you could move maybe 5 miles away so still in good contact with your family? We live in a largish town and I moved about 5 miles away from where I grew up. The difference is amazing, It’s not far but just far enough to be out of the way. I work with someone I didn’t know at school but she knew everyone and she still says they all talk about back in the day Hmm constantly even though their children are now all at high school. I’m glad I’m no where near all that now, it will never leave I’m afraid if it’s 10,20,30 years time

whoamongstus · 27/01/2021 11:00

I still wouldn't like you either, OP, to be honest. I wouldn't go to the effort of talking about you to people but if I bumped into you you'd probably get a look off me (and by extension my friends, who would also probably think you were a dick).

The difference is that if you've forgiven yourself and you're past it, you need to let the fact that she still dislikes you go too. Fuck it if she doesn't like you - she has good reason and you're never going to win her round now, are you? So ignore it. The outcome you want is to stop her giving you dirty looks and disliking you, which after a decade she isn't going to. So give up that idea and just work on not caring what she thinks any more because that's all you can do.

whoamongstus · 27/01/2021 11:03

@Biscoffaddict

There are some horridly judgemental posts on here. Mumsnet is all about celebrating women and sticking up for women, until affairs are involved and then it’s always the women’s fault. Not the mans for shagging her. Presumably the OP was single at the time? He was the one who cheated, not her.
Yeah, he did cheat, but OP still slept with her friend's boyfriend and father of her child - it's not a free pass if you're not in a relationship.

I don't think it's 'horribly judgemental' to think that's a shitty thing to do - he was also an arsehole, but that doesn't detract from the fact that OP (whose behaviour is the topic of the thread) was also an arsehole.

It would be weirder and more sexist to absolve OP of all responsibility in the name of 'sticking up for and celebrating women'.

contrmary · 27/01/2021 11:10

This reply has been deleted

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growinggreyer · 27/01/2021 11:14

Imagine you got raped when you were 19

Why? That situation has nothing to do with the Op. She did not rape this man, he was a willing participant and HE was the cheater. Stop putting ridiculous pressure on the Op.

growinggreyer · 27/01/2021 11:15

Oh, I have seen the user name of the person I quoted. Ignore her, Op,she is a wind-up merchant.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 11:22

@contrmary sorry but are you honestly telling me I must move away in order for my ex friend to feel better over a mistake I made when I was 19? I didn't kill anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 11:25

@contrmary and that if I don't move away I'm not truly sorry? I think that's very unfair. I am truly sorry, more than anyone will ever know. Of course I have thought about how she feels and the impact it has had on her life.

OP posts:
Biscoffaddict · 27/01/2021 11:25

whoamonsgstus the OP admits she shouldn’t have done it and that she feels bad. What else can she do? Eighteen is really young. Legally an adult, but still very immature. Should she still be made to feel shitty about something that happened over a decade ago?

I think the friend needs to get a grip.

Biscoffaddict · 27/01/2021 11:26

And also, why the hell should the OP move?!

Indecisive12 · 27/01/2021 11:29

@whoamongstus got it spot on.

Both you and her boyfriend were equally responsible. She can cut you out her life but she has the constant reminder of what you both did with her child. I would absolutely not want to see you in the school playground or on a regular basis. I wouldn’t be telling everyone what happened but equally if someone asked why I didn’t like you I would be telling. Mud sticks unfortunately. And whilst you may have changed there was no excuse for your (and his) behaviour. It is not normal teen stuff as one poster said, absolutely not/

DaisyHeadMaisy · 27/01/2021 11:30

Being really honest here, I would struggle to trust or build any kind of meaningful relationship with someone who is capable of that level of betrayal.

Thinking back to when I had my babies and how vulnerable I was in that postnatal period, I don't think I would ever forgive a friend for doing what you did or ever have anything good to say about them. You're a mother now, would you forgive?

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 11:35

@DaisyHeadMaisy I'm not sure if I would forgive, I'd like to think so for myself but I could never have anything to do with the person again. I'm not looking for her forgiveness though, just to stop glaring and speaking about me after a decade.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 27/01/2021 11:40

The fact that time has passed and you feel you have changed as a person has nothing to do with it. You add you have apologised but it is not up to you or anyone else to decide how hurt she should be and how long she should be angry at you.
You (and her XDH) have destroyed a moment in her life that she will never get back and the ramifications of this may still haunt her in her relationship and insecurities.
I would say she does need therapy to help her, but that's is for her future and not for your benefit.

mummytolittledragons · 27/01/2021 11:44

I think it all depends on the mistake made by the teenager as to whether or not the after effects should travel into adulthood with them.

DaisyHeadMaisy · 27/01/2021 11:45

You can't police what she tells her friends and knowing what they know you simply arent going to get a smile and a cheery hello out of them. If you want to continue living in the same town as them then it's just going to have to be something you put up with. What do you do when you see her? If you are looking at her long enough to notice that she is glaring maybe she thinks you are glaring at her. Keep your head down and ignore.

She probably hates that she keeps bumping into you too, I doubt she is going out of her way to see you.

redsquirrelfan · 27/01/2021 12:20

I can understand her giving you the death stare - but why on earth would all her friends turn round and give you one too? Why would they give a toss whether you slept with her now-ex a decade ago?

Very very odd. I think she has the problems, not you.

But to answer your question, I don't think mistakes made as a teenager should follow you round for life (eg making silly posts on social media or shagging your friend's boyfriend) unless you murdered or raped someone.

As for "girl code" I don't owe another woman anything. If I sleep with a married man, he's the one with the responsibility towards his wife, not me. No such thing as "girl code", you only have to read a few MN threads to see that women hate other women.

Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 12:20

Honestly she sounds like the typical spiteful girls I grew up with
A bit stupid. Never leaves the small town or the small town mentality- bitter - gossips like a trouper because they’ve got fuck all going on in their life.
Up the duff as a teenager with some feckless dickhead who fucks everything that moves and then blames all the women he fucked for him being such a arsehole.
These are always seaside towns too.
Amazing really
(Obviously there are exceptions to the rule) but in general in life I have met a lot of women like this

Susie477 · 27/01/2021 12:37

I also grew up in a small town and I made a similar mistake when I was the same age. Except it wasn’t a single shag, it was an 18 month affair with a married man. When the shit finally hit the fan, things got very seriously nasty for me. I was told in no uncertain terms that the wife’s family never wanted to see me again, and I had no choice but to move away for my own safety.

OP, you have to accept that she will never forgive you for what you did to her, she will never forget and there is nothing you can say or do to change that. The only thing you can do is decide whether you want to stay in your home town and live with the consequences of what you did, or move away and draw a line under the situation.

babbi · 27/01/2021 13:23

@iwishiwasapunk

I definitely believe that my actions changed the path of her life and having had a child myself, I can't imagine going through that heartbreak with a newborn baby. I really am regretful. I didn't do it because I was jealous of her, I did it because I was drunk and I was selfish and the opportunity presented itself and I didn't think about the damage I was doing. I am still ashamed.
Remember his actions and the impact they had on her . This is not all on you and you need to give yourself a break .
Emeraldshamrock · 27/01/2021 13:29

definitely believe that my actions changed the path of her life and having had a child myself, I can't imagine going through that heartbreak with a newborn baby. I really am regretful. I didn't do it because I was jealous of her, I did it because I was drunk and I was selfish and the opportunity presented itself and I didn't think about the damage I was doing. I am still ashamed

Let it go now, you done wrong but you've learned a lesson, you don't deserve to punish yourself anymore. There is no way I'd move hold your head high is there anyone who hasn't made a mistake in life, the only difference is yours is public knowledge.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/01/2021 14:12

I think you are dismissive of their relationship and how you potentionally damaged it.

However, she took back her boyfriend within a week. - as if what you did had no impact and she somehow should take you back too.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby. - as if them breaking up afterwards makes a difference to how you behaved or changes anything. They weren't going to work longterm and they cheated too so what I did shouldn't matter as much?

Also replying to a previous poster - they split up about 2 years after me and him and in the end up there was a lot of cheating on both sides, her and him. - so their cheating negates yours? you believe the relationship wasn't going to work anyway so it doesn't matter what you did?

I also think there will be many people viewing you badly for behaviour in your youth - not just her and her friends and family. Many people that cheat are not brazen enough to stick around - they move to a new area and have a fresh start. They don't want to keep facing the judgmental attitudes of others.It won't end even it she eventually forgives you. Other's will still view you badly.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 14:55

OP if you still feel regretful, she still feels betrayed. If however many years later this still upsets you that you did it, imagine how much pain she still feels when she thinks about it. Anyone who's been betrayed like that would understand how much hurt it causes. This will stay with her for life and she's likely bitter that life has turned out alright for you despite you being a bad person who made a bad mistake. You're not innocent, whether you regret it or not you caused her unimaginable pain. Too right she still smears your name.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 14:59

@Lucieintheskye I'm not a bad person. But I did do a bad thing.

OP posts:
PandemicAtTheDisco · 27/01/2021 15:03

My best friend from school went off the rails and got a bad reputation. In small towns any scandals are peak conversational topics and don't quickly fade away. Her actions weren't that bad but her attitude was confrontational and unrepentent. Far worse crimes have been forgiven with the right presentation.

The person with the worst reputation is now a nurse, had several well publicised misscarriages, lost a parent in tragic circumstances and is now respected as a model citizen of the town (despite being exactly the same person and just as horrible now as she was then - she is just more discrete).