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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:

Daisysflowers · 27/01/2021 08:01

Her gossiping with her mates is unfortunately not going to stop, if she was doing more like harassing you etc and still spreading it round the whole of your town then that would be a police matter.

As it stands I would continue with your life, she obviously hasn’t got over it but you have and have changed your life around. I would hold your head up high when you see her, don’t look directly at her just continue with what you are doing. If anyone else mentions it just laugh it off with ‘oh we were kids then, thankfully I have grown up and realised my mistakes my life is very different now’ then end it and move the conversation on to something else.

Yesmate · 27/01/2021 08:01

Move?! Fuck that. You made a horrible decision 10 years ago. You caused hurt and pain to levels that you probably cannot even comprehend. Moving is a hysterical over reaction.

Pundemmic · 27/01/2021 09:06

You are right- mistakes shouldn’t follow you. However, you have done everything possible to fix the problem, time to move on. If you go out and she stares, do it back. She is living in the past. Don’t let anyone else dictate how you live your life.

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 09:07

Thanks everyone for opinions. I think counselling is a really good idea and I could benefit from it tremendously so will look into that. I do need to rid myself of this shame.

OP posts:

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 09:08

And please make no mistake, I am absolutely aware of the heartbreak I caused this woman, I will reiterate, my actions were horrendous and I wholly regret it. I just wish her to live a healthy and happy life.

OP posts:

Aelfrid · 27/01/2021 09:17

I would move. If only to save my DD from growing up in a community where one stupid adolescent mistake defines your entire personality.

hotdog74 · 27/01/2021 09:17

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of who did what etc. I don't think I would be able to send my daughter to the same school as her son where I am sure that it will eventually come out and she would feel duty bound to defend me.
For her sake, I would seriously consider moving before she gets to an age where this could hurt her and her friendships. As you are well aware, teenagers can be truly horrid at times.
I've not lived in a small town for a long time, but it does sound from your posts that you believe this will follow you around for ever and it is affecting you a lot still. I'm not sure how you can ever live a carefree life in your current location sadly.

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 09:23

I know the general consensus is that I move but I can't ever see that happening, I have a home here, I have a lot of support from friends and family here which I rely on, also her dad is here as well. I think if I were to pick up and move people would scratch their head not understanding why.

Of course I don't want my daughter to get any hassle for a mistake I made but as said, moving isn't viable. I hope and pray that she won't say anything to her son about it and so it won't fall onto my daughter, that is my hope.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 27/01/2021 09:25

@iwishiwasapunk

What's your plan for if she does?

WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly · 27/01/2021 09:27

You don't have to move to Australia, you can just move a couple of towns over. Your daughter will get a new school where nobody will tell her that her mum is a druggie slag and you can pop back any time to visit your friends and family. You can't control your ex friend, you can only control your own life, and this is a concrete action you can take that will stop you feeling dread or worrying about running into her.

Plus, do you really want to live for the entirety of your one precious life in the same place? You're not even happy there!

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 09:28

@Ohalrightthen I would just have to be honest with my daughter really, what choice do I have? I hope this doesn't happen, I think it would take a very disturbed person to share such details with their child. I didn't even know my dad had cheated on my mum until I was a grown adult and received a message from a woman claiming to be my sister. I had no idea my mum and dad split because of his cheating as the details weren't shared with me, so I would hope this would be the same.

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 27/01/2021 09:30

[quote iwishiwasapunk]@Ohalrightthen I would just have to be honest with my daughter really, what choice do I have? I hope this doesn't happen, I think it would take a very disturbed person to share such details with their child. I didn't even know my dad had cheated on my mum until I was a grown adult and received a message from a woman claiming to be my sister. I had no idea my mum and dad split because of his cheating as the details weren't shared with me, so I would hope this would be the same. [/quote]
I meant more, how will you mitigate the impact on her socially etc?

I really think if this poor woman is upset as you say, still, that sending your child to the same school as hers is a big mistake. Your daughter does not deserve to suffer for what you did, and if it comes out, no amount of you explaining yourself to her will help her deal with the fallout at school.

AuntieStella · 27/01/2021 09:32

I think if I were to pick up and move people would scratch their head not understanding why

I doubt very much anyone would give it a second thought. It's such an ordinary thing to to do.

Haggisfish · 27/01/2021 09:43

Ime this is also a very common attitude in small towns-the idea of leaving. When I ask some people if they are from where I used to live they would say ‘oh no! I’m from ...’ which was about three miles away! Same place in my opinion. You only need to move to a nearby town with a different catchment. You can still have support from friends and family if you’re only a few miles away!

Emeraldshamrock · 27/01/2021 09:49

It happened it was in the past if your friend didn't take him back she wouldn't be so bitter.
It was an awful thing to do it is in the past plus my group of friends stole each others boyfriends as teenagers it wasn't unusual.
Yanbu.

Daisysflowers · 27/01/2021 09:52

Sorry may have missed it @iwishiwasapunk but what’s the age difference between your children? Are thy likely to be in the school the same time?

JKW36 · 27/01/2021 09:53

I'm sorry that things are so uncomfortable for you but I don't blame her. She is reminding every day about what you and her bf did when she looks at her child. If there wasn't a child involved her reaction probably wouldn't have been as long lasting but there is a child who is now growing up in a broken home because her bf slept with you. Also, I know you were a teenager and we've all done stupid stuff but sleeping with someone's partner when they have only just had a baby is probably one of the worst things you could do and I do judge you for it I'm afraid. If you live in close proximity to them I think this will probably follow you for the rest of your lives.

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 09:57

@Daisysflowers her son was born in may 2012, my daughter was born October 2013 so will be at same school but not same year.

OP posts:

CherryValanc · 27/01/2021 10:21

How does she behave towards the father of the child now?

It would have had a deverstating effect on her life. Not sure why you think she should move one if all things are exactly the same. You and her are still living the same lives - same town surrounded by the same people with the same attitude, that and her child ties her to the event.

Her forgive you would make life easier for her having to live with still seeing you. But you can't force that change I'm afraid. You would probably have to forgive yourself rather than excuse your behaviour too.

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 10:25

Her and the father of her child get on fine as far as I am aware but obviously I don't have details on that but just from what I have heard they seem amicable.

Also replying to a previous poster - they split up about 2 years after me and him and in the end up there was a lot of cheating on both sides, her and him.

I am not excusing my behaviour whatsoever to another PP.

OP posts:

Daisysflowers · 27/01/2021 10:29

Some of these replies are mad there was 2 people that slept together the other girls boyfriend is just to blame if not more so seeming as he had just had a baby with her! Also seeming as he cheated it seems the relationship wasn’t great to begin with otherwise why would he have cheated, if it hadn’t been op then it would probably would have been someone else. There relationship not working out is nothing to do with the op.

Live your life and forget the past @iwishiwasapunk you have moved on she should have too.

And for what it’s worth I have been cheated on and I blame my then boyfriend! He was the one who slept with someone else while in a relationship!

Marinaloves · 27/01/2021 10:33

I think you’re over thinking this now.
Your child will likely not be brought into this

I can tell you she is feeding off your shame and guilt. She knows you still carry it around.
The dickhead ex doesn’t. Which is probably why she doesn’t do much to him

You literally need to stop giving a shit what her or anyone else thinks.

Bad things happen in life, no one comes out unscathed. You did something a bit shit but actually quite common. And YOU are still hanging onto it.

If anyone further says anything you just say, “what?! I had totally forgotten about that, hasn’t crossed my mind in years so I don’t know what you’re going on about”

Original poster

iwishiwasapunk · 27/01/2021 10:38

I really appreciate the supportive comments. Makes me feel like less of a horrendous person. Thank you.

OP posts:

Biscoffaddict · 27/01/2021 10:40

There are some horridly judgemental posts on here. Mumsnet is all about celebrating women and sticking up for women, until affairs are involved and then it’s always the women’s fault. Not the mans for shagging her. Presumably the OP was single at the time? He was the one who cheated, not her.

GlowingOrb · 27/01/2021 10:45

Move to the next town over. Different school, market, daily walk. Same access to family and friends.

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