Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

DM and DSis are both fully aware that her staying with me and DP is temporary. DSis has all the things she needs for the baby but hasn’t set anything up eg. cot, chest of drawers because she knows she isn’t staying. DP and I discussed the set up in detail before I asked DSis to move in, he is fine with the arrangement and gets on well with her but we are all of the understanding that she won’t be here when our baby arrives.

I’m 27, DP and I have been trying since I was 21, I have PCOS so we anticipated it taking a while.

The one bedroom flat has only been my dad’s home for the last 18 months, he had to down size after being made redundant. He has another job now but I don’t know if he’s in a position to get a bigger place.

DSis is under the care of a teen midwife, as I said, she’s told the midwife she hopes to be back with DM. I think the hope was that she would stay with me through the pregnancy to give DM time to cool off, then would move back in with the baby even if only in a temporary basis before looking add accommodation on her own.

@icecreamgirl94 you too seem to have floated along in la la baby land. You have got involved in a situation which you thought would what ? resolve itself ? Your mother would see the light ? You don't even know who the father is despite having supported your sister all this time ? Have the two of you even talked about what was going to happen seriously ? Where she was going to go ? How she was going to support herself ? I think you have done her a massive disservice if you have not encouraged her to think and talk and arrange all of this . You have left it far too late ! She did make the decision to have a baby so she does need to face up to this and think how is this going to happen ?

Well if your DSis wants to move back with your mum has she actually spoken to her?? Is she doing anything at all? Or you are expected to sort it for her?

Op you have done what you felt was best out of love. Please don’t beat yourself up.

OP, did it occur to you that giving your DS 'breathing space' and a means to leave home may also seem like a huge rejection to your mum?

What did you expect your mum to do in this situation, exactly? When you were pledging to be supportive, did you imagine your mum housing her? It's easy to be supportive when you're not really involved in the consequences in the day-to-day. Would you be willing to offer childcare while your DS is in education? Perhaps that would make the situation more sustainable for your mum. How does your DS plan to support herself and her baby? Have you supported her by looking into education that might offer childcare and financial support?

Like other posters, I would be gently making it clear to my mum how toxic it would be to welcome one grandchild and not another. She simply could not play the role of grandparent to my grandchild in these circumstances. It would cause such pain, shame and guilt for both children.

What options does a 16 year old have when she has a baby and nowhere to go. OP has just kicked the problem into the long grass by providing temporary accommodation until the baby is born. Now the mum is expected to step up at the age of 56 and take care of a 16 year old and a new born. Not on.

@icecreamgirl94

DM and DSis are both fully aware that her staying with me and DP is temporary. DSis has all the things she needs for the baby but hasn’t set anything up eg. cot, chest of drawers because she knows she isn’t staying. DP and I discussed the set up in detail before I asked DSis to move in, he is fine with the arrangement and gets on well with her but we are all of the understanding that she won’t be here when our baby arrives.

I’m 27, DP and I have been trying since I was 21, I have PCOS so we anticipated it taking a while.

The one bedroom flat has only been my dad’s home for the last 18 months, he had to down size after being made redundant. He has another job now but I don’t know if he’s in a position to get a bigger place.

DSis is under the care of a teen midwife, as I said, she’s told the midwife she hopes to be back with DM. I think the hope was that she would stay with me through the pregnancy to give DM time to cool off, then would move back in with the baby even if only in a temporary basis before looking add accommodation on her own.

DSis is under the care of a teen midwife, as I said, she’s told the midwife she hopes to be back with DM

Has she made any attempts in this direction ? Has she made any plans at all for accommodation ?

Have you addressed the practical issues? For example, I'm assuming your mother works. So if your DSis is in school, who will mind the baby? If childcare is needed, how will it be paid for?

Unfortunately to get her help you will have to make her homeless .

Then perhaps your mother might see what the alternative is and help out .

Sounds like A good chat is needed

I’ve just spoken on the phone to DM, told her DSis has been having some stomach pain and that it probably won’t be much longer until the baby arrives. I apologised to her for asking DSis to move in, that I can see now that that may have made their relationship more difficult, especially with covid restrictions, and that I would be talking to DSis about accommodation when the baby is here.

Ok - and she said what? If she has said your sister can't come back then all of you need to sort something out now rather than waiting until the baby is born before you even talk about it.

I have a 19 year old and 16 year old daughter, its not ideal to be expecting a baby in your teens but I would 100% support them and that doesn't mean for one mintue mean bringing the baby up but I would support them to bring their child up.

If your mum won't support her, you can't have her love with you, then your dad has to step up. Why hasn't he been looking for a bigger place already? Why is your mum expected to do everything? He's her parent, too, he should parent.

Otherwise, presumably, social services will need to step in. Someone needs to parent this child. (Your sister.)

The plan was for DSis to move back in with DM once the baby was here, this was made clear to everyone including DM when I asked DSis to move in with me. We also talked about her finding accommodation of her own which we would obviously help her organise once she’d had a few months to get used to being a parent. However, since she’s been with me her contact with DM is next to nothing. I had hoped DM would start to soften but this hasn’t happened so now we’re in this position of DSis about to give birth, my baby due in 6 weeks and no one sure of what’s going to happen. I know I’ve messed this up really badly, I just didn’t expect DM to completely abandon the situation, yes that was probably very stupid of me.
Our dad offered to have her with him and he would sleep on the sofa when he first heard she was keeping the baby but it’s not practical. He’s offered again now DM doesn’t want to know, again it’s not practical. Very stupidly, we haven’t been proactive in sorting out a back up plan, it’s only in the last week or so that the situation has really started to stress me out and I felt I needed to talk to people they weren’t involved in the situation, hence posting here.
On the phone earlier DM asked if DSis was ok and to keep her informed but didn’t ask to speak to her or anything.
As far as I know DM doesn’t have a boyfriend or anything at the moment, but I wouldn’t necessarily know if she did.

Unfortunately to get her help you will have to make her homeless

With the hideous risk that if the LA have no mother and baby placements, they are temporarily separated in foster care.

OP, it's clear you love your sister. But her parents have to parent her. If her mum doesn't want to, her dad will have to. Or care.

@icecreamgirl94 you sound lovely. Sorry you are getting so many harsh responses. Obviously it would be better if the housing situation had been addressed earlier. But I can also see that it has been a difficult one to address and you seem to be trying to manage everyone's sensitivities. Sort of thing that happens to me...

Your plan about talking to DSis about accommodation in time sounds like the best possible plan in the circumstances. Your DM might feel different when the baby arrives. Sorry not to offer any more practical advice!

Neither of your babies will need a separate nursery until they're about six months old, so there's no particular reason you need your spare room back now [different if you want it back / want to just be living with your partner].

What I'd do in your position would be to look at moving somewhere big enough for your sister and her child to stay with you in the medium to long term - one extra bedroom and the babies could share for at least a few years. Check with the Child Poverty Action Group or a specialist welfare benefits adviser re your sister's entitlement to eg. universal credit / the housing allowance element of it. [may be financially better for you to claim child benefit for her so you need someone who knows what they're doing to look at the various options]

I wouldn't expect your sister to move back in with your mum. Too much has happened for her to revert back to being a teenager living with her mum; particularly one who has treated her so poorly. Either she stays with you or she moves somewhere by herself with her child.

New parenthood is hard. A ratio of two grown ups to two babies (for the times when your partner is at work) is much easier than being on your own with one baby. So unless you don't really get on, I'd plan on inviting her to stay in the longer term and getting all the benefits of the cousins growing up together / sharing the childcare load.

Originally I said I would provide childcare while DSis is at school as I will be on maternity leave for the best part of a year, but obviously with schools closed at the moment DSis can do all childcare herself in the immediate future.

Have you asked your mum straight out whether she'll have your DSis back or not?

Who is going to pay for the baby's things? Clothes, milk, bottles, nappies etc. Have you looked into available grants?

Your putting all this on your mother. Your sister should beging for forgiveness for her fuck up, she should be calling and making amends, begging to be taken back. Your sister strikes me as someone who will expect her mother to do it all when it becomes too hard and your mum probably resents the fact that at 56 both her daughters turned their back on her and then when shit hits the fan, still expect her to pick up the pieces.

Your DSis can't care for a child 27/4, including night wakings, and be expected to concentrate on her education as well. Have you spoken to school about her taking time out?

OP are you planning to be with your sister when she gives birth to give her support? Do you know what your mum would say if DS asked her to be her birth partner? Your DS must be frightened as the birth gets closer.

It is incredibly hypocritical for so many posters to be bleating about how irresponsible the 16yo is and how her mother is quite right to refuse any responsibility for housing or supporting her. Do those people not understand that there are a multitude of issues and poor choices that can affect teenagers such as pregnancy, substance misuse, getting involved with bad company, issues in education etc. We all know this when we make the choice, as adults, to become a parent. We know that when our children become teenagers there is a chance that they could make bad choices (because they are children and the are immature) and that we won't necessarily have control over what they do. What absolutely IS utterly irresponsible, is to have a child knowing that these sadly all too common issues could affect them, and then washing your hands of the child (CHILD) and pretending that they are no longer your concern.
OP's mother has a 16 year old child for whom she remains responsible. Yes it's a shame that she is facing some sleepless nights, but unfortunately she's been one of the unlucky few that this happens to every year and she will have realised going into motherhood (as an adult) that there was always a risk of something like this happening. You sign up for the whole deal - you don't get to just opt out when they don't turn out to be perfect.
All those who think that OP's mother is behaving reasonably in all but abandoning her daughter...why? Think hard. Is it because you think a baby would ruin the daughter's life? It can't be that, can it? Because punishing a 9 month pregnant 16 year old by withdrawing all support and affection is not the action of a mother who wants to spare her child suffering. So it's either a very shortsighted decision based on not wanting 18 months of disturbed sleep and a few years of hard work (for which she is prepared to throw away a lifetime's worth of a relationship with her daughter and grandchild), or it's because she's just fucking judgemental and prudish and worried about how her daughter's "shameful" engagement in sexual activity reflects on her. Same reasons all those poor girls and young women were thrown into mother and baby homes. And I wonder how many on this thread with their vile comments were giving it sad faces all over Facebook on the recent media coverage of Bessborough...

I think you've been given lots of practical advice about how to help your sister get sorted out.
On my part I would be massively disappointed in my mum and I would have to tell her - that I can't stand by and watch the hypocrisy of cooing and supporting your pregnancy and baby when at the same time she is freezing out your sister who is both a child and in the same situation and arguably needs her mum more than you do.
I would make it clear that her actions have diminished her position in your eyes and you see her as an arms length relative rather than a close and loving granny, when she can't be a loving mother to her own child.

She's not reasonable to abandon her daughter. But it wasn't reasonable of other family members to interfere between them and yet still expect her to do the heavy lifting.