Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

You are a lovely sister, OP.

I feel for your mum, who wasn’t expecting to take responsibility for a new baby at 56 (and with a 16-year-old mother, that baby will need a grown-up carer too). But your mum should let your sister move back home — she is still a child herself.

Good luck to you all.

Aw that's really sad for your sister OP and you are an amazing big sis. I know that no one wants their teenager to have a baby at 16 but I like to think I'd be 100% supportive of her choice if it was my DD.

I really do think once the baby is here everything will be different. No half decent person can be mad at a baby. And how lucky the timing is, your babies will grow up together and be close cousins - this is a real gift in itself!

I think this situation has been created by you and your sister, not your mother. Your mother didn't kick her out. Your mother has a right to be very very angry and disappointed. She spent 16 years taking care of her, giving her an education, a home, and a future and your sister fucked up. Massively. So she should be ready to take the heat. Instead both of you buried your head in the sand for so long that it would now be unbelievably cruel for you to kick her out! Are you actually thinking of throwing out a 16 year old on the street with a newborn? No? Then she stays or goes to your dad. Because your mum didn't kick her out, she left all by herself. She should be begging your mum to take her back, stay with you or to your dad's.

Fucking hilarious the people saying having a child is a huge responsibility in one breath, but supporting the mother in completely abandoning all responsibilities for the ops sister in the next.
Op you don’t sound like a pushover, you sound like a lovely caring sister, and a much better role model than your mother.
Social services likely isn’t appropriate given what you’ve said about your sister...early help or family nurse partnership could offer her the support she needs though. Good luck

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? She has had 9 months notice to sort something out. Surely she’s worked out she can’t sleep in your nursery forever?

Christ. She's 16 FFS and needs her mum.

I'm sorry if I've missed this but does your dm have a new partner now that she lives with?

Yes, you know what to do. Every new mum needs safe space and loads of money, support, food. etc . Perhaps you are on the list of the hospital for living with you and perhaps she knows you are going to take care of them. If this is not your plan, ask officially your mother is she going to take responsibility, if not check with the relevant authorities to have a flat, and financial benefits for the new mum. Wishing all the best to all of you. Don't worry. These things can be organised in the UK.

You, her elder sibling, have shown your sister better care, love and support than her own mother. Make no mistake: your mother is treating both of you abominably: your sister because maternal rejection at an impressionable age - especially when in a vulnerable state - will be devastating, and you because she's left you to pick up the pieces. She's allowed you to assume full responsibility for her daughter when you are pregnant yourself and already have more than enough on your plate. Her behaviour is abhorrent and I'm not sure I could forgive her.

Your sister is lucky to have you

Its unfair to expect your mum to be happy, if she had wanted more children she would have had them herself

I was 22 when I became pregnant with my DS (ancient in my borough) but my DM still felt I was too young. I had a full time job on the same salary she earned, lived in a houseshare and was in a secure relationship, so in an ok position. Yet she nagged me to get an abortion, got her boyfriend to nag me, they told me endlessly I’d end up single and struggling.

No one came to see me in the hospital when DS was born (apart from now-DH who was there throughout). No babysitting or support. It was like my mother really wanted me to sink, not swim. It was incredibly damaging and I was a lot more mature and secure than a teenager.

DS is now a 14 year old, who is academic and funny and she wants a piece of him now that she feels she’s ‘ready’ but life doesn’t work like that. They have no bond as she’s always kept him at arms length as a baby. She doesn’t even know how to chat to him. It’s quite sad for my DS but of course he doesn’t know any different.

It’s so difficult to fast forward and see these little babies as adults but it goes by in the blink of an eye, and your Addis’s little baby who is now on the way will need as good a start in life as possible. Your mum won’t be able to pick up in 10 years time and play grandmother as that ship would have sailed.

In your DM's position I'd be furious with your DSis. She had abortion appointments but backed out. She neglected to tell her mother, who she clearly expected to pick up the pieces, until it was too late.

DD (17) and I have discussed this eventuality. Better to terminate than have enforced contact with an arsehole for the rest of your life. And better to have a baby when you're in a position to raise a child. Not when you can't. Nowadays you can take a pill. You don't even have to have surgery.

Your Dsis has clearly decided that she can raise a child so in some ways she needs to take responsibility.

However as her DM I'd blame myself for having a DD who is so stupid and out of touch with the real world. I'd feel like I'd failed somehow.

I'd accept your Dsis coming home with the baby as I couldn't see DD homeless and she'd be fed and warm. But 100% the baby would be her responsibility. I wouldn't be babysitting so that she could have fun. She would need to do every night feed and nappy change herself.

And she would need to work to pay for the baby's things. - Unless she can persuade her feckless father to help with funds. I'd blame him equally. He knew about the pregnancy when there was time to do something about it but kept it secret. Idiot. He needs to step up too.

Could your dad not look now (probably would have been helpful to look earlier) for a larger flat? If he's supportive, then he's the parent your sister needs.

Are social services not involved? What are they offering? They may be able to offer a mother and baby placement, however, I wouldn't want that for my children of avoidable, as it means both being in the "care system", and social work involvement. Is she not under a teen pregnancy team?

Our dad is lovely but lives in a 1 bedroom flat. He’s offered to have her and the baby and he will sleep on the sofa but we don’t think they solves anything in the long term

While not ideal this may be a starting point for your sister, any chance your dad can move to a two bed and support his child and grandchild, I find it interesting that when your parents divorced your dad got a one bedroom flat when he still had a minor child at home, did he never have her overnight for visits? Maybe your mum can see that she is going to be the sole parent all over again while others offer empty words of support without action.

Someone you haven't mentioned is your own partner, how do they feel about this setup? You say your sister hopes to move back to your mum's, but hope is not a strategy and I fear you will end up raising your baby, your niece/nephew and your sister.

There are many things in life worse than a baby.

You sound so lovely. I hope your mum comes round when the baby us here and their relationship isnt damaged beyond repair. Can your sister apply for council housing? Not ideal at 16 with a baby.

I feel like OPs DM didn't have a problem taking care of her own child. It's the child's child that's the stumbling block. However, DM didn't kick anyone out and between her and OP, hopefully things will work out!

I honestly cannot believe some of the responses! I’m quite appalled by the attitude of some who are likely mums themselves!

Op you are not a pushover and I can tell you I would 100% would have done the same thing and allowed my sister stay with me, I very almost did and was prepared to with my sister (who was 18). A 16 yo is still a child, people saying she needs to sort out her accommodation, you’d condemn your 16 y/o dd to live in a grubby council flat or hostel with a baby, trying to finish education (since the rules are to stay in education until 18), no real means to support herself. All while we still have covid around so the support normally available is even less! There are very few jobs a 16 yo can do especially now!

Your baby will be in your room for the first few months so don’t worry too much about the nursery, start getting your sisters room baby ready, show her your love and support, she’ll remember everything you did for her, she’ll support you too when your baby arrives. Hopefully your mum will soon see sense and she’ll be back with her soon.

I can’t believe some of the comments on here. The girl is a child, shes 16. Wether her mother likes it or not, a baby is on the way.

I feel sorry for your mother. Babies, toddlers and kids are hard work. There was a large age gap between you and your sister, your DM is just getting to the stage of getting her own life back again now that your sister is 16 and started to become independent, but instead your mother knows she’s going to be landed with a LOT of responsibility for a baby and young child for the next 10 years. Your mother has had your sisters choice foisted on her.

Your sister has no clue about what a change this will bring to her life from the time she has this child over the next 15 years. Your mother knows fully well how it will impact in her life.

YABU to expect that your mother should happily take on her new role. Think of it in the way of would you be happy to have your sister stay with you for the next 5 years or so? Would you be happy for you and your DP to have this responsibility? How do you think it would impact on your life and your relationship?

A 16 year old is not ready to independently look after a baby full time. Your mother knows this.

Cant believe the comments on here about a child in a terrible dilemma. I did think given the awful things happening on the planet we might show a little compassion to our fellow man. Oh well! As for the poster who consulted her 16 year old daughter to what she would do and they said wouldnt be that stupid - its possible that hearing her mother publicly mock a childs misfortune might have motivated her answer and reading about something and living it are ever so slightly different

I imagine part of the reason why the OP's mum was so keen for her daughter not to keep the baby was because she didn't want her condemned to the sort of existence which involves living in a grubby council flat, not having the means to support herself and struggling to finish her education.

In any case, she's near giving birth. This should all have been discussed by now. Things need to be sorted out quickly.

This thread...it’s shows the best in people and the worst.

I think as you have been doing OP you need to guide the situation. You’ve given your DM and DS room to breathe but now you need to guide them back together.

Your mother has made her stand perfectly clear but now she needs to accept that another grandchild is coming. Regardless of if DS can go back home they need to have a relationship again so that your DM can be a mother and gmother after the birth.

I’d really start seriously talking to your dad if he upsize to a 2 bedroom so that he can properly support your DS.

You are a lovely sister. Good luck to both of you.

Firstly the pregnancy was unplanned. How did it happen? To me there's a difference between a contraception fail, and just not using it.

How does this make a difference except to the judge, jury and executioner in the corner? It is dreadful to think of a response to this situation being determined on that when the baby had nothing to do with it and has exactly the same needs. Judge the mother, you penalise the child.

This is absurd and appalling.

But what is your sister actually saying OP?? Whay is HER plan??

Wow, I’m shocked and really quite sad about many of the comments on here.

I cannot possibly imagine not supporting our dd in this situation. Supporting doesn’t necessarily mean parenting the baby, but showing her how to do it and giving her the skills she needs and some strength and resilience so that she can go on to become independent. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other!

If your mum can support her like this for the first couple of years then at 18 she could quite plausibly move out and be confident in bringing up her child independently. It doesn’t need to mean that your mum is raising the baby at all, never mind for its entire childhood.