Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

WhereamI88

Your putting all this on your mother. Your sister should beging for forgiveness for her fuck up, she should be calling and making amends, begging to be taken back. Your sister strikes me as someone who will expect her mother to do it all when it becomes too hard and your mum probably resents the fact that at 56 both her daughters turned their back on her and then when shit hits the fan, still expect her to pick up the pieces.

The mother wants to grow up

@MessAllOver no she hasn’t spoken to the school about taking time out because she is just being sent work to do at home anyway at the moment, she is planning to address that when she knows when her school will reopen according to what her situation is then.
@BlueSuffragette no she hasn’t asked DM to be her birth partner as their relationship hasn’t been in a good enough place throughout the pregnancy for her to feel that she can. She is having a home birth so I will of course be with her. She’s very nervous about the birth, mainly because she hasn’t really been able to talk to anyone who’s experienced labour to get a good idea of what to expect. She’s got a pretty big bump so she’s worried the baby will be huge as well. She’s worried about everything to do with the actual labour and birth really. I think once she’s got through that she’ll be in a better position mentally to get herself sorted.

@icecreamgirl94

The plan was for DSis to move back in with DM once the baby was here, this was made clear to everyone including DM when I asked DSis to move in with me. We also talked about her finding accommodation of her own which we would obviously help her organise once she’d had a few months to get used to being a parent. However, since she’s been with me her contact with DM is next to nothing. I had hoped DM would start to soften but this hasn’t happened so now we’re in this position of DSis about to give birth, my baby due in 6 weeks and no one sure of what’s going to happen. I know I’ve messed this up really badly, I just didn’t expect DM to completely abandon the situation, yes that was probably very stupid of me. Our dad offered to have her with him and he would sleep on the sofa when he first heard she was keeping the baby but it’s not practical. He’s offered again now DM doesn’t want to know, again it’s not practical. Very stupidly, we haven’t been proactive in sorting out a back up plan, it’s only in the last week or so that the situation has really started to stress me out and I felt I needed to talk to people they weren’t involved in the situation, hence posting here. On the phone earlier DM asked if DSis was ok and to keep her informed but didn’t ask to speak to her or anything. As far as I know DM doesn’t have a boyfriend or anything at the moment, but I wouldn’t necessarily know if she did.

If the plan was that your sister would move back in with your mum once the baby arrived then presumably, that's still happening?

The fact that your mum hasn't 'softened' doesn't mean that she won't accommodate her daughter does it? You haven't said so. You say that your mum has 'completely abandoned the situation' but what do you mean by that? There was a plan (of sorts)?

Perhaps your mum is expecting your sister to have the decency to have a conversation about the plan since your sister is hoping to move back home with your mum?

You have enough going on, the rights and wrongs of what you did are past really, it's done, you did what you thought was for the best.

Now though, are you going to encourage your sister to grow up and speak to your/her mum? That's what I would be doing. You don't need the stress with your own baby due shortly.

I think your first post dictated the thread really - the reality seems to be that your mum is happy for you - but is terrified and sad for her other daughter. It doesn't mean that she won't have any love for both grandchildren even if that's what some posters have leapt on and exaggerated. That is the bit that is a disservice to your mum actually and she hasn't really had a fair hearing on this thread.

Both your parents are stepping up but your dad's support is a 'castle in the air' at the moment, isn't it? Because it's not practical and that being the case, your sister will want to move back with your mum because that was always the plan anyway.

Good old mum! Backstop, shortstop, full stop. And ultimately taking her place 'in the wrong'.

If this were my sister OP, she'd be firmly guided to speak to mum and sort it out. Like a grown-up.

What a lovely sister you are, to help and to offer childcare.

To all those saying the 16 year old hasn't sorted anything- no, because she's 16! She won't have had the experience to organise a doctor's appointment before this no doubt, never mind find and pay for somewgere to live for her and a baby. Yes, she'll need to grow up quickly, but she's 16, she needs help to do that. Poor thing.

There really are some absolutely vile people on here, sitting smug that their child/ they wouldn't be so 'stupid' and how 'easy' it is to abort that pregnancy or place a child for adoption.
There is never an easy option.
OP I'm not going to say anything about your DM as that is her choice and should be respected.
What I will say is DSis has 2 allies in this, you and your Dad, I would very much encourage her to go to Dad's and social services, hopefully they can manage until they can look for somewhere bigger or she can move out independently.
I work with all age of people who have unplanned pregnancies and it is so hard for many, many of them to have an abortion, that option just feels so much worse rightly or wrongly, no contraception is 100% and for some abortion is 100% not ok.

Your putting all this on your mother. Your sister should beging for forgiveness for her fuck up, she should be calling and making amends, begging to be taken back

@WhereamI88 did I miss a part where the 16yo committed a criminal act against her mother? Because I'm confused as to why a child would need forgiveness

@WhatKatyDidNxt

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? She has had 9 months notice to sort something out. Surely she’s worked out she can’t sleep in your nursery forever?

Totally agree^ She may not have planned the pregnancy, but if she can decide not to have an abortion and decide to keep the baby, then she had better decide about where she will live and what she will live on. (Or who she will live off of.) Will she get a council house? Will she get a housing allowance? Will she finish school? Will she get a job? What place does the baby's father have in her life? I completely understand your mother's fury. She is not a toddler with a messy playroom. She is a 16-year-old messing up her life and expecting her mother and sister to pick up the pieces.

I too am horrified with the people on here, so many of you sound like shit parents who think loving and supporting a child is conditional based on a set of behaviours you deem worthy.

No doubt you'll be on here in 20 years time wondering why your children don't bother with you

Your poor sister, I hope she is ok. It must be hard for your mum too. Did your mum say she can’t move back in?

You sound like a lovely sister.

Can you say she needs to move out by your due date? And hopefully she can be housed by then? Either if it’s with your mum, dad or worst case a hostel?

Your mum needs to stop being a dickhead......a couple of years of being supportive will make all the difference to your sisters future outcomes. These things happen, your mother stropping over it will change nothing.

Personally I'd be telling her she either accepts both of you and your babies or none of you and would have nothing more to do with the woman until she decides to sort her head out.

Your DSis seems very passive. If the baby is arriving imminently, there are a number of things which need to be sorted as a matter of urgency, including:

• Finances - check available benefits and apply for them. I may be wrong, but I thought there was a grant available for low-income mothers. Even if you're happy to pay for stuff for the baby, your DSis needs to claim every penny available and save it. She'll need it later.
• School - if you're hoping for her to stay in education, that's a conversation that needs to be had ASAP. How can the school best support her? Is she planning to take time out to care for baby and organise childcare? Would it be best to repeat a year?
• Accommodation - short-term options are either you or your mum. Long-term, you might want to get her on the relevant waiting- lists for anything going? Is there any supported accommodation for young mothers in your area?

I'm assuming you've already made a start on dealing with some of these issues?

@Morgan12

Your mum is being totally out of order. Tell her to grow up and be there for her child. How can she be so selfish? I'd be disgusted with her.

Their mother isn't responsible for her younger daughter's stupidity, she's made her bed she needs to grow up.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Being blunt but if your sister thinks she is old enough to have a baby then she is old enough to sort out where she lives? That's a bit unfair. I doubt whether she thought "Hey, I'm 16, I'm grown-up, I'm going to get pregnant".

No, but once she got pregnant, she made the choice to keep it. That choice comes with responsibility.

@icecreamgirl94 just read through your posts and no advise but wanted to say what a kind and loving sister you're being.
Although not planned, it will be lovely having babies similar ages who can grow up playing with their cousin.

You sound like a wonderful, supportive sister. Inviting your sister to stay was done with the best of intentions and you can't take responsibility for the relationship between your mum and sister. Hopefully the instinct for your mum to care and support your sister will kick in when the baby arrives.

I hope amongst all this you have time to look forward to your much longed for baby. It sounds like you've been selfless in letting your sister use your spare room and put on hold your plans to prepare for your baby. Although the situation is far from ideal, I'm sure your sister will always remember your kindness and in the long term your babies will hopefully be really close cousins. I hope it all works out for your sister, but make sure to take care of yourself as well xx

You sound like a wonderful big sister, she is so lucky to have you. I have a big age gap between me and my older siblings, and I had a baby young and unplanned too, and one silver lining was my baby had cousins close in age, I think my sister really influenced my parenting positively too, I was able to follow her lead with breastfeeding, using good quality slings etc and she loaned me a lot of good quality baby equipment and books I couldn't have afforded otherwise.

It's great you will get first hand experience of a newborn during your pregnancy too, so you will be able to practice and know exactly what to expect. If things go well once her baby is here, what about having your sister go to your dad's for a month when you have yours, so you and your husband have that time to bond and rest, and then reassess the situation? You might decide you don't mind her coming back. Babies don't need their own room for at least a year.

It sounds to me like the best course of action is tell your sister she has a month once baby arrives. Hopefully your dad can change to a two bedroom place. I'd also contact the father's family, that should be paying maintenance on his behalf which could help towards rent to your dad.

The plan was for DSis to move back in with DM once the baby was here, this was made clear to everyone including DM when I asked DSis to move in with me.

How nice of you to 'make it clear to everyone including DM'! I feel that your mother is being bullied and your sister is happy to sit back and let everyone else sort out her mess.

Have you approached the council and applied for social housing or a supported living for teens with babies?

I'm also appalled that your mum won't support your sister but agree with posters that if at 16 she chooses to go through with pregnancy she has to start to take responsibility now.

You sound like a lovely sister though.

@icecreamgirl94 you are so lovely supporting your DS and being with her for the home birth. You obviously love her very much. Best wishes to you both.

Meanwhile, on another thread, there’s a bunfight going on about another 16 year old wanting to be a bit more flexible with her EOW and dinner in the week contact schedule with her dad and there are posters adamant that she’s a child and not old enough to make these sorts of decisions
I feel a little bit sickened reading some of these hard hearted comments to be honest. “Stupid girl, should have got rid, should just place for adoption, should give the last push then walk in to a well paid career and suitable flat just like that” in the midst of a pandemic when she’s probably feeling the mental strain of lockdown and remote schooling as much as the the next teenager.
Be proud - it’s people like you that kept those Irish mother and baby homes going well into the last century.

Id be devastated if this was my dd. Because it would mean id have to fund and look after a baby again!

Another thing is, if she is at yours then she might not get anywhere with housing until the babies turn 2 years old. If she is at your dad's, she will be priority on the housing list as they will be classed as overcrowded.

@icecreamgirl94 your mum sounds so cold whats done is done, yes your sister should take responsibility for her and baby..but nothing should make your own mother not support you. Yes its not ideal and no-one wants their 16 yo to become a mum until settled housed good job married maybe. But its happened. She's lucky she's got you I think she's acting more childish than a 16 year old hope it all works out.

There's a difference between advocating locking unmarried mothers in mother and baby homes (which happened in the context of widespread poverty and abortion being illegal) and thinking it's best if 16 year olds aren't encouraged to have children .

I cannot believe those posters who would disown a pregnant child.
Being a mother doesn't stop when your children hit puberty- it's just the next stage.
Obviously no one would choose a teenage pregnancy for their child- but teens have sex - and how many of us sensible adults on here were virgins until we married/ settled down with a long term partner? I know I wasn't- and had I fell pregnant should my mum have put me in a mother and baby home or kicked me out?
Yes according to some of you!

When your child needs help, you deal with it. You don't stop loving them because they have been stupid!

And finally: as a Nana, can I just say Grandchildren are wonderful- OP your mum is in danger of really missing out, and you sound like a fantastic big sister.