Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Then the dad can house the daughter and do the night wakings etc. and the mum can visit and give support on her own terms.

In reality, I must admit this is not what I would do for my own daughter. I would suck it up and be there for her, day and night. But I would also be incredibly angry with anyone who had interfered in the discussion between me and my daughter about keeping the baby vs. having an abortion. Because ultimately, although it is her decision, the outcome of it would be me having to parent a child at a time of life when I would have hoped to be past that. I would expect to have a reasonable and honest conversation about the realities (both for her and for me) without other family members interfering.

OP what was your mums reaction? Does she not want to support her daughter, however disappointed she is that her 16 year old is pregnant? The transition to being a mum is fucking HUGE, I found it so so hard with my planned and wanted pregnancy with a supportive partner and my family. I can’t imagine being 16 and feeling so alone in all this.

Is your DM intending to support her DD?

Your Mum is being vile.

I'm have to be low to NC with my Mum if she was being like that and absolutely wouldn't allow any conversations in which she showed 'excitement' about my pregnancy while being awful about my sister's. I don't think I could allow her to see my baby if she wasn't prepared to see my sisters' either.

I really don't understand how she can be so angry with your sister for supposedly making this 'mistake' when she spilt her marriage up by having an affair! Hardly frickin' perfect, is she?!

Also everyone is assuming the 16 year old what’s her mum to do the parenting and night feeds and so on - I haven’t seen anything from the OP to suggest this?

I totally disagree with those saying if your sister was old enough to decide to have a child she is old enough to manage, and why should your mother have to take on any of the consequences. The fact is your sister has got into this situation at a very young age, not through an adult reasoned decision but as someone who was still a child herself. Still your mother’s child, for whom your mother has been responsibility. Still, your mother can’t be forced to be on board with supporting her, so I wouldn’t try and force that. I would be unimpressed to the point that if I were you I would be making it clear that if she doesn’t see one daughter and grandchild she won’t be seeing the other either. I also think it’s outrageous to suggest anyone should have had an abortion if that was not their choice.

In the meantime your sister staying with you for the first few weeks then moving to your dad’s sounds like the least worst option, once she is there it will be a squash but will give her some time to think about next steps.

If a 16 year-old gets pregnant then your mum needs to be reflecting on her own parenting - there are a lot of reasons why young women find themselves in these situations and many are due to having had a crap time themselves. I suspect a degree of your mum’s response is down to the fact she knows this on some level.

Also, even if your sister was completely well rounded and supported, contraception can and does fail. The only safe sex is abstinence and it seems a bit unrealistic to expect that of a 16 year-old.

If having a baby was a decision based on practicalities alone, plenty of your people twice your sister’s age (and more) should not be having babies. But they do, because there is an emotional and frankly evolutionary urge.

Understandable that your mum might be shocked and worried for your sister and her baby, but to leave her to it is unforgivable. I would be laying down the hard line to your mum at this point.

Practically, well worth seeking advice on how your own baby changes your sister’s residential status. Money will still be extraordinarily tight for her so do see if there are any special schemes at local colleges or schools that support young mums. May not exist outside but cities, but future earning potential will not only keep your sister out of poverty but also allow her more options for flexible working (‘professional’ roles often allow more flex than those paid less, sad as it is)

[quote icecreamgirl94]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes that’s correct, this is her first pregnancy.

I’ve just spoken on the phone to DM, told her DSis has been having some stomach pain and that it probably won’t be much longer until the baby arrives. I apologised to her for asking DSis to move in, that I can see now that that may have made their relationship more difficult, especially with covid restrictions, and that I would be talking to DSis about accommodation when the baby is here.

I know a few people have mentioned everyone in the family being pleased for DSis because they expected DM to house her and the baby. I didn’t say they were pleased, I said they were supporting her choice, no one felt it was their place to tell her what to do. My dad also said she could stay at his if DM wasn’t happy but as I said that didn’t seem a suitable idea because of space. I’m not defending anyone’s actions here I’m just trying to make the situation clearer if I didn’t earlier.[/quote]
I'm glad you've spoken with your mum, icecreamgirl94, I'm sure it's cleared the air.

It was never going to be easy and it's only that you've had the available space that your sister has moved into for now, that has allowed this to drift a bit.

Do you really think that your mum will not accept the baby and won't support your sister? Your sister is hoping to move back to your mum's so obviously the situation and relationship isn't that untenable? I hope it's viable because it would be the best thing ultimately albeit it's not a positive situation because most mothers wouldn't want their 16 year old daughter pregnant without the back-up of the father involved. It is what it is though.

About the family being pleased, my comment was more about a 'hands off' support. They're all supporting your sister's choice but what are they actually doing to support her other than paying lipservice? That's what I meant. It's easy to say anything... it's what they do to support that matters.

Your sister is lucky to have you but, as you're in loco parentis position at the moment - please give your sister a bit of a kick up the bum to get herself sorted - with your support and with your mum's too - she's going to have to grow up now. This baby could be the making of her and I hope all goes well, for all of you. :)

This isn't really any help, @icecreamgirl94, but some years ago, my young, then teenaged, daughter was afraid she was pregnant. Our circumstances were awkward, but I was ready to go with her to get an abortion if that was what she wanted. I was also willing to bring up her child as my own if that was what she wanted. Or be a supportive grandparent, if that was what she wanted. Writing this, I've just realised that I wouldn't have been as supportive if she had wanted to live with and/or marry the boy who would have been the father of the child, as he was a nasty controlling piece of work some years older than she was, who would have really messed up her life and that of their child. We were lucky that it was just a scare, but as her mother, I would have had no option but to have helped her in any way she wanted. So kudos to you, as her big sister, and I'm so sorry about your mother.

@SweetPetrichor

I agree, this is not your mum’s issue, it’s your sister’s. She chose to get pregnant - or was too stupid to avoid it - and she chose to keep it. With those decisions comes responsibility. Who does she think is going to do it! Does she think the problems are just going to magically be solved? How does she plan to afford any of it? She should have this all organised. If she thinks she’s ready to be a mum then she’d better get control of her own life before she finds herself responsible for a baby. She’s not fit to keep a baby if she can’t even manage herself.

Are you for real?

Contact social services. She needs accommodating, help with education, childcare, housing......

I write this as someone who’s sister fell pregnant at 16. She did an amazing job in spite of an abusive partner (whom my parents adored...) and my parents taking the position that ‘she need to stand in her own 2 feet’ because she was, in my dad’s words, ‘a slag’. (She was groomed and raped when she was barely out of primary school and ended up pregnant by a man double her age.)

I will never forget trying to help my sister get my niece to feed at 3am and we were all 3 crying and so worried. My parents were in the next room but had a strict policy on not assisting with any direct baby care. My niece turned out to have serious food allergies and ended up in intensive care with malnourishment. My parents then complained about having to drive my sister to the hospital to visit.

My sister is nearly 40 and still living with the financial and emotional impact of that start for her children, as are her children. Some basic support could have broken that cycle.

What did you Mom say in response to your sister being in imminent labour? I really think she needs to Mom up and ask if she can move home on the agreement that no one is expecting Mom to give up work to become a babysitter.

. What's the situation with school?

Realistically can she even get social housing before she's 18?

I had my son at 18 and my mum took it really badly when she found out. When she’d come home, she’d shut herself in a room, listening to sad songs (very loudly and obviously) it went on for days. If I attempted to speak to her she would just say she was hurt at what I’d done to her and didn’t want to look at me. I moved out within a week as I couldn’t take the atmosphere and found that it was all very dramatically about her feelings and not remotely about mine very irritating. We didn’t speak for the majority of my pregnancy .

Once my son was born she was quickly besotted with him and now is an excellent nan to my 9 year old and 1 year old, so your mum may well come round once the baby is here. I really thought mine and mums relationship was over but we are really close now. I think some mums just find it very difficult to come to terms with.

Council and social services would be my opinion of priority calls to make. The SS involvement would be to support her as a vulnerable mother... And I'd be surprised if the MW has not already done this... Not to take the baby away and this needs to be made clear to DSis as I suspect that will be her initial thoughts. Having the SS support will (rightly or wrongly) put her in a better position for social housing.

My grandad didn’t talk to my mum for 9 months when he found out she was having me. When I arrived and she brought be to see my Nan he was besotted. I feel she may one around. However my mum was 20 not 16. I personally can’t imagine not supporting my daughter if she was in the same situation, yeah I would be upset with her being young but being a young mum myself at 19 I know how much all the support meant and helped me. My mum was supportive from the start. It personally changed me for the better and now I have one of the funniest kid I have come across, I wouldn’t change him for the world and he has the best relationship with my mum, he probably gets on with her more than his dad. You’ll make it work and hopefully your mum will come around

@MessAllOver

Then the dad can house the daughter and do the night wakings etc. and the mum can visit and give support on her own terms.

In reality, I must admit this is not what I would do for my own daughter. I would suck it up and be there for her, day and night. But I would also be incredibly angry with anyone who had interfered in the discussion between me and my daughter about keeping the baby vs. having an abortion. Because ultimately, although it is her decision, the outcome of it would be me having to parent a child at a time of life when I would have hoped to be past that. I would expect to have a reasonable and honest conversation about the realities (both for her and for me) without other family members interfering.

I agree with this. The hyperbole on this thread sadly isn't shocking, it's par for the course.

OP did what she thought was best, tried to help, but it wasn't actually the long-term best and it rode roughshod over their mum who hasn't 'kicked out her child', just is not pleased. I wouldn't be either. Hopefully now that OP has spoken with their mum a plan can be made for practical support for sister.

Cooing over babies is later, much later. Practical first.

@Ltdannygreen - how lovely to read. Congratulations!

OP, I'm trying to think of a way to put this gently. When you invited your sister to live with you and effectively became her guardian, did give her any advice or talk through her plans for the future, how she's going to pay/care for the baby, house them both etc?

And does your sister know that you're going to tell her to leave when your baby arrives? Does your mum?

I am your Mum’s age and my eldest dd is also 16. I would be so disappointed and worried if she was pregnant, but as a pp said, it is far from the worst thing that could happen to a family, and while far from ideal while she is still school age, it isn’t a disaster.
Can you call a family meeting ? What is your Mum thinking, is she thinking that your sister will live with you now ?

@monkeymonkey2010 you sound absolutely nuts

I have been one of the most vocal posters on this thread in favour of a) not coercing young girls to have abortions if they don't want them, and b) mothers supporting and housing their pregnant/new mother daughters rather than abandoning them to social care, so presumably I am one of those your last post was aimed at

I have children I both planned and can afford to support.

What the actual fuck are you talking about?!

Totally get your mums disappointed but she should be over it now and support your dsis! So unfair I don't know what to say to help op
But my dss got told the week the girl was due to give birth that he could be a dad- he had no idea he was 16 at the time. We was angry with him but at the end of the day it is what it is. We just made it clear that it was not our responsibility and he had to step up but we did support him and picked the baby up etc x

Congratulations OP!

I'm presuming you're quite a lot older than your sister if you've been TTC for 6 years? Can you and your DP sit down with your Mum, and talk to her calmly about how you will as a family support your sister and the new baby going forward. It sounds like your Mum is behaving very badly, but perhaps if she can rant a bit to you about why she is so upset, she can move forward to some practical plans.

Obviously your sister can't stay with you. Could your mum agree to have her for 3 months while she sorts out somewhere to live - hopefully someone will come along who knows how this system works - but failing all else I'd start with citizens's advice, they should know how to get her in the system.

Your sister does sound passive - but she's still a child so that's not surprising. I'm guessing apart from being disappointed your mum is fearful she'll end up raising the baby? If you can start laying plans together to get your sister housing perhaps this view will change. Is your sister hoping to continue her education? In which case also to look into creche places for Sept. I'm assuming your sister does not want to consider adoption, but if part of her passivity is actually her changing her mind about the baby, it's obviously also there as an option.

I can honestly understand your mother’s point of view. She’s expected to now house and fund her daughter’s chosen lifestyle. But what about the father and his parents? They just get off scot-free?! Does his parents even know?!! It all seems rather unfair that the burden falls to your mum who quite rightly showed her disappointment right from the very start. I can’t believe you’re saying that she’s ready to pop and nothing is sorted out. Does your sister just think people will run round after her? 16 or not she is about to become a mother, her own damn choice.

@icecreamgirl94 I was so nearly in this situation... I feel for you

Are your mum and your sister both aware that you’re expecting your sister to leave when she’s had her baby? Do they know it was a temporary move to give them some space? Obviously if she’s due imminently it may not be possible, but it might be good to have that conversation now... it’s likely to be better for her to be settled somewhere than worrying about this when she’s got a newborn.

Joining the council list is an idea but unless you’re somewhere with a lot of spare housing, it might be quite a wait, and you might have to ask her to leave before she’s a priority even with a newborn. It was years ago now, but I was told I had to leave my friends sofa and go to the Salvation Army if I needed help, or the council wouldn’t consider me urgent. The Salvation Army were lovely, to be fair, and the staff helped the people with young babies... but if you weren’t sleeping there or spending time there; they classed you as having somewhere to go. I hope that’s changed now...

You’ve done a lovely thing but like you said, it’s at risk of backfiring if the next step isn’t carefully managed. It might be worth talking to the council to see what the status quo is, and then talking to your mum to see if she offers to have your sister back. Don’t let this drag on, it’ll cause resentment if you expect your sister gone before your baby arrives, and she doesn’t realise that or can’t do it.