Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

@Russellbrandshair

How was I nasty or offensive? You do realise that calling someone out or disagreeing with an opinion isn't either of those things?

Hey OP. Hope all's going well. I am so happy for your sister that she has you. The trauma of what your mother has done (and it is a trauma) would impact her 100% more if she didn't have you.

I hope too that you and DH are ok. You've waited so long to have your own baby and DSis16 is there "before" you. And in your space. It may be totally fine, and something that you've not even thought about, but if it's a bit hard too, I think that's understandable. You're an amazing sister though. Truly. Wish you were my sister!

Adoption should be the first and default choice in teen pregnancy when teens do not wish to terminate. Letterbox communication is far more suitable than direct contacts between birth mothers and their child’s new family. Direct contact leans to lack of closure, unclear boundaries, and trouble.
Allowing teens to parent is very expensive on society. Placing these children in adoptive homes means better parenting by more responsible folk.

Good luck, I hope your with your sister now

You sounds such a lovely women

@Beefcurtains79

How come your dad is there? Are you not in the UK/lockdown?

I don't think now is the time for the Covid police. As soon as the baby is here he can bubble.

@Feedingthebirds1 wow, what a depressing nasty attitude. Is that how you would act then?

Imagine a parent still resentful 5 MONTHS later for not being told off their daughter's pregnancy first, despite there being a really valid reason why.

Imagine a parent effectively tricking one of their children, at a vulnerable time in their life, into taking their school age sibling in and abdicating any responsibility yourself.

Imagine having two daughters, both pregnant, under the same roof, and buying gifts for one baby but nothing for the other.

It's fucked up. No excuses.

@Ericaequites

Adoption should be the first and default choice in teen pregnancy when teens do not wish to terminate. Letterbox communication is far more suitable than direct contacts between birth mothers and their child’s new family. Direct contact leans to lack of closure, unclear boundaries, and trouble. Allowing teens to parent is very expensive on society. Placing these children in adoptive homes means better parenting by more responsible folk.

Wow!

It should be the mother's choice.

We have long left behind the times when babies were removed from their mothers at birth.

And many teenage mums go on to be excellent parents and contribute to society,

The 1950s is

@yetmorenamechanging

Hey OP. Hope all's going well. I am so happy for your sister that she has you. The trauma of what your mother has done (and it is a trauma) would impact her 100% more if she didn't have you.

I hope too that you and DH are ok. You've waited so long to have your own baby and DSis16 is there "before" you. And in your space. It may be totally fine, and something that you've not even thought about, but if it's a bit hard too, I think that's understandable. You're an amazing sister though. Truly. Wish you were my sister!

Lovely post

[quote Shmithecat2]@Russellbrandshair

How was I nasty or offensive? You do realise that calling someone out or disagreeing with an opinion isn't either of those things?[/quote]
You laid into someone simply for not noticing a tiny part of the thread!

This was after lecturing others about their attitude.

@Ericaequites

Adoption should be the first and default choice in teen pregnancy when teens do not wish to terminate. Letterbox communication is far more suitable than direct contacts between birth mothers and their child’s new family. Direct contact leans to lack of closure, unclear boundaries, and trouble. Allowing teens to parent is very expensive on society. Placing these children in adoptive homes means better parenting by more responsible folk.

You are obviously not an adopted child.

However I think you are only posting to be controversial; I find it difficult to believe anyone thinks like that in this day and age.

Read 'The Primal Wound'.

@Russellbrandshair

Please, show me where I laid into anyone?

It wasn't a tiny part of the thread, Russellbrandshair it was a fairly fundamental point. Shmithecat2 was right on the money there. The poster concerned was themselves happily trying to score points and was pulled up on that. Hoist by their own petard. I've done it often enough myself but I don't make excuses for myself.

It's a highly dramatic thread, lots of opinions, frequent updates - and only one side of the story as it always is.

If Shmithecat2 was lecturing, then you're now doing the same. Disagreement with a point is fine but saying that a poster is 'laying into' another is ridiculous.

@Ericaequites

Adoption should be the first and default choice in teen pregnancy when teens do not wish to terminate. Letterbox communication is far more suitable than direct contacts between birth mothers and their child’s new family. Direct contact leans to lack of closure, unclear boundaries, and trouble. Allowing teens to parent is very expensive on society. Placing these children in adoptive homes means better parenting by more responsible folk.

Wow. I'm guessing you know nothing about adoption.

The 1950s called, they want their ignorance back...

Thank you for the lovely messages
She doesn’t want the baby adopted which is her choice, so that’s a moot point really.
I guess we’ll form a bubble with our dad as he hasn’t been out at all during this lockdown and neither has my household so I didn’t see him being here as posing too much risk.
Things are moving fairly slowly unfortunately, but I guess she knew that was a possibility. We’ve been sent home from the hospital as she was only a few centimetres dilated so it’s just a waiting game at the moment although she’s in agony. I’m certainly not looking forward to my own labour after this!

Good luck to your sister!

Must be both exciting and scary for her- at least your dad sounds very lovely and supportive in this scenario.

First labour is a real experience!
Can’t even imagine going through it at 16 poor girl. I was 27 in a fully planned pregnancy with DH and DM supporting throughout and It was still the scariest, longest and least pleasant experience of my life.

Very fond of the outcome though

My body recovered super fast at 16 though. Good luck zx

Aww, you're a lovely sister

I feel so sorry for your sister, being made to feel like a second-class citizen, having a baby is less favourable circumstances than yours. She must be feeling so alone.
I really, really hope your mum thaws when the baby arrives. She can't keep this up forever. Forgive me, I haven't read the full thread, but where is your father in all of this? Is he likely to be a stable influence on your mum?
Wishing you and your sister all the very best with your new babies.

@Icecreamgirl94, I had a long labour and I actually found the early phase the hardest to deal with. Once I was admitted to hospital and had access to pain relief, I coped so much better.

It took me a while to realise that my contractions hurt more when I was lying down. Pacing around the house helped somewhat. The hospital have probably told your sister she can take two paracetamol, but if she’s really struggling, they might write her a prescription for codeine - that’s what a nice midwife eventually offered me. Luckily, when I came to hospital to collect it, I was finally ready to be admitted.

I wasn’t really expecting a long labour as my mum’s were both really short, but labours vary so much. Good luck!

@Nimue21

Well, bully for you and your perfect daughter
There but for the grace of God, and all that.

You sound like an amazing sister.

Your mum sounds extremely unpleasant btw. Cant imagine treating my own daughter so coldly.

Mum may come round when the baby is born, let's hope so.

Hope your sister is doing ok and that the birth isn't hard for you to support on. Remember each labour is different. What a wonderful wonderful sister you are. Also your husband for being on board with your wishes to help her. I hope she and her little one are ok

She will find her feet im sure. I went back to my mums at 16 when I came out of hospital with my baby and spent a full day crying...after that I started to feel better and had a little routine going. Xx

@scotlandg

Hope your sister is doing ok and that the birth isn't hard for you to support on. Remember each labour is different. What a wonderful wonderful sister you are. Also your husband for being on board with your wishes to help her. I hope she and her little one are ok

Same from me. You're great, op.

Ericaequites, I don't have a daughter and my son is 31. Of course I wouldn't have been happy, if I had had a daughter, for her to be pregnant at 16, nor pleased with my son if he, at sixteen, had a pregnant girlfriend. However, if she decided after much thought that she could not terminate her pregnancy, I would respect that and give all the support I could, without continuing to be cross about it. I'd love my grandchild.

There's no point in shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. These things happen and we have to make the best of them. A baby is a blessing and as long as it is loved and cared for, little else matters. My husband would have felt the same.

(I'd want to make as sure as possible that it didn't happen again!)