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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

818 replies

icecreamgirl94 · 26/01/2021 17:08

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 28/01/2021 12:51

I may have been blunt in earlier posts, but you'll manage this - your sister has your and your DP's support, your DF's support and your DM will come round if you keep her involved and don't shut her out.

You've got this. Just look after your own health and wellbeing as well.

diddl · 28/01/2021 12:52

"I’ve phoned both my parents this morning to tell them DSis is in labour, dad is here now, DM said to keep her updated."

Hope all goes well for her.

Are you with her?

Peeteea · 28/01/2021 12:53

@icecreamgirl94 good luck to you all. I hope your sister is ok- birth is scary at 30, never mind at 16 so I’m glad to hear she has some hands to hold. Keep us posted when you can and well done for taking care of her so well. X

Clarich007 · 28/01/2021 12:55

Good luck to all of you.Hope it works out Your Dad sounds lovely

THATbasicSNOWFLAKE · 28/01/2021 12:58

Fingers crossed for a nce straight forward birth for your sister op Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2021 12:58

Nice that he was afforded the choice to ‘offer’, rather than it be expected it him, isn’t it?

With op’s dad living in a one bed flat, the most probable scenario is that he moved out of the family home and took a financial hit so that the girls could at least be housed comfortably in one home. And possibly the consequence is the one bed is all he could afford.

Just because his place is small, it does not mean he wasn’t a hands on dad. He has offered to house your dsis. I would encourage her to take up this offer.

As has already been commented on, once your baby is born, you will suddenly understand his awfully badly your mother is treating her child. Putting not wanting to house your dsis to one side, it is disgusting to ignore your vulnerable, pregnant 16 year old child in their last year of schooling, abhorrent. Especially during the pandemic.

I hope all goes well for you dsis. Flowers

DolphinsAndNemesis · 28/01/2021 13:05

C0NNIE, brilliant post.

There are all sorts of options for a pregnant 16-year-old (including adoption, which is a perfectly valid choice despite what some have said on this thread). In this scenario the girl has evidently decided to keep the baby. So she could continue staying with her sister, move to her dad's place, involve the baby's dad and his family, contact relevant authorities for help with housing support, etc. But apparently, it's all down to Mum. Hmm Perhaps the mother has thought through everything and come to the conclusion that the earlier plan won't work, not least because the 16-year-old has seemingly done very little to prepare for the baby.

Now the sister is in labour? Shock

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 13:07

@Mummyoflittledragon

With op’s dad living in a one bed flat, the most probable scenario is that he moved out of the family home and took a financial hit so that the girls could at least be housed comfortably in one home. And possibly the consequence is the one bed is all he could afford.

Nope. If you'd bothered to RTFT, this is not the case. He downsized to a 1bed flat when he became redundant, nothing to do with losing the family home.

Whichnamepls · 28/01/2021 13:17

Good luck to your DSis!

Polyethyl · 28/01/2021 13:18

Good luck to your sister and to you.

Russellbrandshair · 28/01/2021 13:19

@Mummyoflittledragon

Nice that he was afforded the choice to ‘offer’, rather than it be expected it him, isn’t it?

With op’s dad living in a one bed flat, the most probable scenario is that he moved out of the family home and took a financial hit so that the girls could at least be housed comfortably in one home. And possibly the consequence is the one bed is all he could afford.

Just because his place is small, it does not mean he wasn’t a hands on dad. He has offered to house your dsis. I would encourage her to take up this offer.

As has already been commented on, once your baby is born, you will suddenly understand his awfully badly your mother is treating her child. Putting not wanting to house your dsis to one side, it is disgusting to ignore your vulnerable, pregnant 16 year old child in their last year of schooling, abhorrent. Especially during the pandemic.

I hope all goes well for you dsis. Flowers

I agree- he sounds like a lovely dad.

Her mum on the other hand, sounds horrible.

As a parent, I cannot imagine just ignoring my pregnant 16 year as she is about to give birth.

VILE.

Fluffythefish · 28/01/2021 13:20

I hope everything goes smoothly for your sister icecreamgirl. You have cared for her so well whilst dealing with your own first pregnancy which is just amazing. I can't see how you could have handled this any better and hope that everything falls into place for everyone. But that is for tomorrow. Today is for a new baby!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2021 13:35

[quote Shmithecat2]@Mummyoflittledragon

With op’s dad living in a one bed flat, the most probable scenario is that he moved out of the family home and took a financial hit so that the girls could at least be housed comfortably in one home. And possibly the consequence is the one bed is all he could afford.

Nope. If you'd bothered to RTFT, this is not the case. He downsized to a 1bed flat when he became redundant, nothing to do with losing the family home.[/quote]
If you’d bothered to RTFT. How rude.

I did read the thread. But I don’t recall reading that at all. I’m disabled with a number of illnesses including brain fog and am recovering from major surgery. I’m so sorry I haven’t met your exacting standards of how a poster should behave.

Cattenberg · 28/01/2021 13:42

Good luck OP. I hope your DSIS’s labour goes well.

PurplePansy05 · 28/01/2021 13:43

Right, the girl is in labour, perhaps it's time we all shut up.

Good luck, OP, whatever you decide to do 💐

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/01/2021 14:04

[quote icecreamgirl94]@MichelleScarn it is literally in my last post where I have tried to clarify everything. I’m not sure why you’re not seeing it.
I guess it’s all pretty beside the point now anyway, DSis isn’t able to move back in with DM so we’re going to have to find an alternative.[/quote]
Still so many people not getting it or just deliberately missing the point. No one forced DM to do anything, no one lied to her, no one expected her to pick up the pieces. We had what I thought was an adult discussion about what would be happening and together it was decided DSis would be moving back in with her.

But that isn't what you said in the OP. You said you invited your sis to stay at yours - no mention of it being a family discussion.

You've said your DM has hardly spoken to your sister since she moved out, and you've said sis has tried to ring and has sent texts - what's been in those texts? Has she apologised for keeping it from DM until she was four months gone? You say mum understands, but that doesn't mean she isn't hurt by it. Because again this was a decision sis made that took away your mum's choice to do anything differently.

There have been a lot of mistakes made by a lot of people, and now the consequences of those choices has become unavoidable. No-one can stick their head in the sand any more.

Over the last few months, while sis has been living with you, and also living under the assumption that she'll be going back to DM's, what plans has she made for her education? For paying for what the baby needs? For making it clear that she's not expecting DM to be a default parent to the baby? Basically - for the future? Or has she not looked much beyond the birth?

Yes I know she's only 16. But she has made choices that are already impacting on the choices others can make. She's refused to involve the father and HIS parents - the baby's other grandparents. Another choice she's taken away from someone.

And you have to accept the consequences of your choices too. That when you invited sis to stay because you 'thought it would be nice to be pregnant together' you created some of this.

Beefcurtains79 · 28/01/2021 14:11

How come your dad is there? Are you not in the UK/lockdown?

YukoandHiro · 28/01/2021 14:34

Good luck to your sister and you OP. Hope it's quick and smooth for her xx

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 14:37

@Mummyoflittledragon

But you still manage to read what suits your agenda... Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2021 14:43

[quote Shmithecat2]@Mummyoflittledragon

But you still manage to read what suits your agenda... Confused[/quote]
Lol

Cattenberg · 28/01/2021 14:59

LOL indeed Grin

Joinedjustforthispost · 28/01/2021 15:05

Best of look to you all op, you sound a wonderful sister and ignore the bitchy posters , your sister is still a child yet everyone is jumping on her for behaving like a scared child! Please give her and yourself a big hug from me . Hopefully you will get support and everything sorted, I couldn’t imagine making scary decisions at 16 .

BlueSuffragette · 28/01/2021 15:21

Good luck to your DSis. Hope all goes well and that she and baby are both ok.Flowers

cautiouscovidity · 28/01/2021 15:26

@Beefcurtains79

How come your dad is there? Are you not in the UK/lockdown?
I should imagine that as he lives alone (mentioned in previous posts), he has formed a support bubble with OP's householdHmm
Russellbrandshair · 28/01/2021 15:46

[quote Shmithecat2]@Mummyoflittledragon

But you still manage to read what suits your agenda... Confused[/quote]
Geez- the irony of you defending the mother in this scenario and telling off other posters for being misogynistic and unfair when you are being downright nasty and offensive yourself!

Guess it only applies to others and not you right?