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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

818 replies

icecreamgirl94 · 26/01/2021 17:08

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 28/01/2021 11:20

@icecreamgirl94. I suspect your mother will come around. You need to conciliate her as much as possible. Longer-term, she is the only sensible option...your sister and the baby need to live with her and she needs to help your sister take care of the baby while your sister finishes her education. Otherwise, the long-term outlook for your sister is grim. Everyone on here who has had a baby at a young age and has done well seems to have done so with a stable home and support from family.

Is it unfair to your mother? Yes. Is it the reality? Yes. That's while I and many other posters feel it was very unfair of you and the rest of the family to condemn your mother as being unsupportive. She could probably see the way the wind was blowing. She should not have been left in the dark so long and she should have been given the chance to have a conversation with your sister and express her views before it was too late for an early-stage abortion. But that's in the past.

You can't house your sister indefinitely. Your father can't. If social services get involved, the options are likely to be less than optimal. You (and your sister) need to have a serious conversation with your mother. Yes, it is unfair that the middle aged woman should have to deal with the consequences of everyone else's life choices, but that's the way the wind so often blows. It doesn't sound like your mother will reject your sister if given some time to come around.

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 11:28

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

How can OP champion one family member's rights to do what they want whilst absolutely trampling on the other's rights? Bizarre way to behave.

Because she's a middle aged mother who gave up any autonomy or right to her own life as soon as she dared to give birth of course. Note that it doesn't apply to middle aged fathers, or indeed the father of the baby.

The internalized misogyny is what's really nauseating here.

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 11:32

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I find it hugely hypocritical of your mother to be so judgy and unsupportive towards her 16 year old daughter when you admit yourself that your sister was an "unplanned surprise" and your mother had an affair and cheated on your father.

Your mother is hardly in a position to be judging other people's behaviour when her own could easily be judged as being pretty shitty/stupid/wrong.

I get that noone is going to be overjoyed that their 16 year old is pregnant but its too bloody late now isnt it? its done. She either has the choice of being supportive or not being supportive. I think it sucks that she's not willing to help her own daughter and she needs to realise this could negatively affect their relationship forever. If I was the 16 year old I certainly wouldnt be helping my mother in her old age if this is how she treated me....

An unplanned surprise maybe, but she was 40, married, had her own home and a job. Not exactly the same scenario, is it? And I really cannot grasp what her affair has to do with any of this?

Or are you implying that she should have to deal with the fall out as punishment for her past transgressions?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 11:32

How can OP champion one family member's rights to do what they want whilst absolutely trampling on the other's rights? Bizarre way to behave

The mother can do whatever she wants. She can never speak to her daughter ever again if she wishes- she can go no contact and never see her or the baby.

But there will be consequences to that and it WILL affect their relationship and her relationship with her grandchild.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 11:33

Or are you implying that she should have to deal with the fall out as punishment for her past transgressions

I'm saying that presumably, the mother wouldnt want to have been negatively judged for cheating on OPs dad would she? I think this shows that we ALL make mistakes/poor decisions and noone is perfect- well the same goes for her daughter doesnt it?

Becles · 28/01/2021 11:34

I love that an earlier poster was worried that the OP is in for a 'lot of emotional, physical and financial stress' if DM doesn't step up.

I still don't understand why the sister and baby can't move into their ever so supportive dad's flat and he sleep in the living room.

Win win. DM can do the encouraging granny while dad does the day to day hands on and practical support.

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 11:37

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

How can OP champion one family member's rights to do what they want whilst absolutely trampling on the other's rights? Bizarre way to behave

The mother can do whatever she wants. She can never speak to her daughter ever again if she wishes- she can go no contact and never see her or the baby.

But there will be consequences to that and it WILL affect their relationship and her relationship with her grandchild.

So the 16yo can do what she wants - although she can't actually do that by herself, but carries on regardless of the effect it can have on other peoples lives - and gets cheered on, but the mother does she she wants and is threatened with 'consequences'?

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 11:38

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Or are you implying that she should have to deal with the fall out as punishment for her past transgressions

Who says the mother is judging? She's not happy. That's perfectly reasonable.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 11:40

Who says the mother is judging? She's not happy. That's perfectly reasonable

um... she is judging if she's ecstatic and supportive of one daughter but not the other....
Of course she has a right not to be happy about it, but the girl is 16. Are you suggesting the mother should cut her out and not support her through the birth even though she has noone else? thats pretty fcking harsh

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 11:45

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Who says the mother is judging? She's not happy. That's perfectly reasonable

The 16yo also has a father. The father of the baby seems to be allowed to get away scot free though. Why is it ok to lump the majority of the responsibility onto the DM?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 11:46

The 16yo also has a father. The father of the baby seems to be allowed to get away scot free though. Why is it ok to lump the majority of the responsibility onto the DM?

Its not. I judge both of them equally tbh.

Personally I couldnt imagine just abandoning my 16 year old when they need help but there you go. I guess everyone is different 🤷🏼‍♀️

PurplePansy05 · 28/01/2021 12:00

Longer-term, she is the only sensible option...your sister and the baby need to live with her and she needs to help your sister take care of the baby while your sister finishes her education. Otherwise, the long-term outlook for your sister is grim.

She doesn't need to do anything. The primary responsibility for her own actions and future of her and her baby is with DSis.

DSis and OP's father is there to help. OP offered help with childcare. The baby's father and his family need to step up.

The mother has been kept out of the loop - not OK. DSis and her haven't ironed out the issues between them - not OK. They need to talk. DSis is conveniently doing nothing because she is close to her due date. She had few months before though, what was her excuse then? She didn't know the baby was coming? If she indeed is a mature 16 yo () then there was a time to speak to DM, DF, arrange what to fo after birth and sort out her child's father. She did none of that. Why doesn't anyone guide her in this? She isn't mature enough herself, that's clear. Move her to DF before you give birth OP and get her to rebuild her relationship with the DM. Things may gradually work out.

WildfirePonie · 28/01/2021 12:00

OP, I think your dsis should move to your ddads asap.. it's going to be tough once the baby arrives. Is it likely you'll hear the baby crying throughout the night.

What about once your baby arrives? How will you sleep in between your baby sleeping, if you can hear dsis baby crying?

It sounds like a nightmare is about to happen in your home, you can't even relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Now you're about to have a niece/nephew and watch your dsis struggling with night feeds/sleeping. You can't be expected to help, surely? You need to look after yourself and your baby.

I can totally understand how your dmum doesn't want to have her sleep disturbed or end up on baby duty, or having to pay for nappies etc.

I hope dsis exbf parents are aware and are stepping up, as well as the ex. He will have to contribute, whether he likes it or not.

diddl · 28/01/2021 12:08

"Are you suggesting the mother should cut her out and not support her through the birth even though she has noone else? thats pretty fcking harsh"

She has a father, sister & the baby has a father!

Not sure that I'd want to watch my daughter give birth if there were other options tbh.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/01/2021 12:12

The obvious difference between the two pregnancies is the DM isn't likely to be called on to help raise the older daughters baby. Maybe she's not handling the situation well but you can hardly blame her for not wanting to take on another baby in her 50s.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 12:13

Not sure that I'd want to watch my daughter give birth if there were other options tbh

Ah ok. Well that says it all really doesn't it?

Presumably you'd adopt the same approach when the mother is elderly and frail? - that the daughter has every right to not help her aging mother out at all. After all, families arent obliged to help each other are they?

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 12:13

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

The 16yo also has a father. The father of the baby seems to be allowed to get away scot free though. Why is it ok to lump the majority of the responsibility onto the DM?

Its not. I judge both of them equally tbh.

Personally I couldnt imagine just abandoning my 16 year old when they need help but there you go. I guess everyone is different 🤷🏼‍♀️

You judge them equally, but not enough to make comment about them until I mentioned their existence to you?

Bullshit.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 12:14

You judge them equally, but not enough to make comment about them until I mentioned their existence to you

um... no, because the OP specifically stated that the father was offering her a place to stay, so he WAS helping and being supportive wasnt he?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/01/2021 12:16

OP states:

Our dad offered to have her with him and he would sleep on the sofa when he first heard she was keeping the baby but it’s not practical. He’s offered again now DM doesn’t want to know, again it’s not practical

He sounds like a very kind dad to me

PurplePansy05 · 28/01/2021 12:19

that the daughter has every right to not help her aging mother out at all.

Well, they do have that right. Everyone does. If they choose otherwise, it'll be through their kindness, not an obligation.

Beside, OP's mother has already brought up her and her DSis. There is no obligation on her whatsoever to be looking after either grandchild, especially if she's working FT. There's no obligation on her to house them either. If she'd choose to do this, it's her choice and a kind thing to do, that's all. It cannot be assumed or expected, particularly not after how she was treated appallingly and kept out of the loop for months when everyone else knew what was going on but her. She had far less time to even digest on all this than everyone else.

diddl · 28/01/2021 12:19

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Not sure that I'd want to watch my daughter give birth if there were other options tbh

Ah ok. Well that says it all really doesn't it?

Wtf are you rambling on about?

Shmithecat2 · 28/01/2021 12:25

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

OP states:

He sounds like a very kind dad to me

Nice that he was afforded the choice to 'offer', rather than it be expected it him, isn't it?

Original poster

icecreamgirl94 · 28/01/2021 12:43

Oh dear god, my original point had absolutely nothing to do with who DM is (a middle aged woman). If myself and DSis had had the same conversation and agreement with our dad and then he had changed his mind then I would have made exactly the same post about him. I wonder if the same people would be saying that he has a right to do so or if they’d be condemning him.
I’ve phoned both my parents this morning to tell them DSis is in labour, dad is here now, DM said to keep her updated.

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 28/01/2021 12:46

Good luck, OP. All best to you and your sister.

Original poster

icecreamgirl94 · 28/01/2021 12:47

@MessAllOver thank you very much.

OP posts:

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