Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

Several posters have been really unfair on the OP, falsely accusing her of railroading her mum, suggesting that she persuaded her sister not to have a termination etc. Typical AIBU.

As OP’s sister is under 18, I think her parents still have some responsibility for her welfare. And that means making sure she has somewhere to live, at the bare minimum. Ideally, they would also make sure she has the advice and support she needs, because someone has to.

It would be difficult for OP’s sister to live with her dad, due to the limited space. Her mum, as the former resident parent, does have the space and agreed that OP’s sister would move back in with her. Now she has changed her mind, within days of OP’s sister’s due date.

Expecting OP to sort everything out at the last minute is really unfair. It’s not her responsibility and she’s heavily pregnant herself. If OP’s mum doesn’t want her daughter to move back in, I really think it’s up to her and OP’s dad to make sure alternative accommodation has been arranged.

Your sister is lucky to have you, OP.

It would be difficult for OP’s sister to live with her dad, due to the limited space. Her mum, as the former resident parent, does have the space and agreed that OP’s sister would move back in with her. Now she has changed her mind, within days of OP’s sister’s due date. did she?

From what I've picked up op her dad and dsis moved the sister out of the house - awareness of her pregnant dm wasn't involved/aware, they had discussions about her being pregnant and what was to be done. DM wasn't included. She's just awful for not doing what everyone else has decided she needs to do.

@MotherOfDragons27 What's the difference between 16 and 15, or even 14? I wouldn't get a 16 year old as a nanny, au pair or babysitter for a newborn. They're children.

Unless there are learning disabilities, a 30 year old has more cognitive capacity to parent than a child. Fact.

[quote percypetulant]@MotherOfDragons27 What's the difference between 16 and 15, or even 14? I wouldn't get a 16 year old as a nanny, au pair or babysitter for a newborn. They're children.

Unless there are learning disabilities, a 30 year old has more cognitive capacity to parent than a child. Fact.[/quote]
Well for starters a 16 year old is legally allowed to have sex, don't be facetious.

I am the American who doesn’t know much about British adoption policies.

The Irish baby and mother homes were horrific. I’m not suggesting those policies were wise, or a return to same.
If teens are unwilling to have a termination, they should strongly consider adoption. A 16 year old is almost always unready to be a good parent, no matter what support is given. Through a open adoption wherein some information is shared with the birth mother, a infant gains a better chance with mature adult(s) as parents. Infant adoptions disrupt much less often than those involving older children.

[quote percypetulant]@MotherOfDragons27 What's the difference between 16 and 15, or even 14? I wouldn't get a 16 year old as a nanny, au pair or babysitter for a newborn. They're children.

Unless there are learning disabilities, a 30 year old has more cognitive capacity to parent than a child. Fact.[/quote]
I know people in their 30s who have less capacity for being parents than a 16 year old, and yet they have children.

@MichelleScarn, nope. OP has confirmed that she, her mother and sister all agreed that the sister would stay with OP for a bit and then move back in with their mum.

[quote Cattenberg]@MichelleScarn, nope. OP has confirmed that she, her mother and sister all agreed that the sister would stay with OP for a bit and then move back in with their mum.[/quote]
Where? As all I've seen is no contact with the DM?

I've read back through OPs posts and all l saw was The plan was for DSis to move back in with DM once the baby was here, this was made clear to everyone including DM when I asked DSis to move in with me. so that doesn't make it clear the DM was involved in the plan, just that she had been told this was happening?

@Ericaequites

I am the American who doesn’t know much about British adoption policies. The Irish baby and mother homes were horrific. I’m not suggesting those policies were wise, or a return to same. If teens are unwilling to have a termination, they should strongly consider adoption. A 16 year old is almost always unready to be a good parent, no matter what support is given. Through a open adoption wherein some information is shared with the birth mother, a infant gains a better chance with mature adult(s) as parents. Infant adoptions disrupt much less often than those involving older children.

Open to correction but I don’t think open adoption exists in the U.K., bar if someone in the family were to adopt the baby. Ongoing contact between birth parents and adoptive family is usually limited to ‘letterbox’. There is rarely, if ever direct contact post adoption. It’s very different to the US. I’d also echo previous comments about adoption and the lifelong trauma that can result to mother and child.

OP - I would include a call to your sister’s head of year, or designated safeguarding lead. They might be able to pull together a meeting of professionals should social services need to plan for them.

@MichelleScarn it is literally in my last post where I have tried to clarify everything. I’m not sure why you’re not seeing it.
I guess it’s all pretty beside the point now anyway, DSis isn’t able to move back in with DM so we’re going to have to find an alternative.

@MichelleScarn The sister has tried to contact her mum with not much reply. She is behaving really awfully as a parent, essentially washing her hands of the situation.

Add message | Report | Message poster | See allMadameMiggeldy Wed 27-Jan-21 23:44:32
Ericaequites

I am the American who doesn’t know much about British adoption policies.
The Irish baby and mother homes were horrific. I’m not suggesting those policies were wise, or a return to same.
If teens are unwilling to have a termination, they should strongly consider adoption. A 16 year old is almost always unready to be a good parent, no matter what support is given. Through a open adoption wherein some information is shared with the birth mother, a infant gains a better chance with mature adult(s) as parents. Infant adoptions disrupt much less often than those involving older children.

Open to correction but I don’t think open adoption exists in the U.K., bar if someone in the family were to adopt the baby. Ongoing contact between birth parents and adoptive family is usually limited to ‘letterbox’. There is rarely, if ever direct contact post adoption. It’s very different to the US.
I’d also echo previous comments about adoption and the lifelong trauma that can result to mother and child.
........
Open adoption does exist in the UK, it has become more popular in recent years.

I agree with your last paragraph about the trauma adoption can cause. I cannot believe someone has come on here promoting adoption! It should only be the very last resort. There's no reason why a young girl cannot be a good mother if she has a decent amount of support.

@Ericaequites

I am the American who doesn’t know much about British adoption policies. The Irish baby and mother homes were horrific. I’m not suggesting those policies were wise, or a return to same. If teens are unwilling to have a termination, they should strongly consider adoption. A 16 year old is almost always unready to be a good parent, no matter what support is given. Through a open adoption wherein some information is shared with the birth mother, a infant gains a better chance with mature adult(s) as parents. Infant adoptions disrupt much less often than those involving older children.

Have you even been in this situation? DFOD

There are some nasty people posting on here. I think you sound like a lovely big sister and your husband also sounds great supporting your sister staying etc she is lucky to have you both. I think your mum needs to get a grip of herself.

So from a practical perspective, does your dsis want to carry on her education, is she in year 11 or first year sixth form?
Can she stay at her school or does she need to find a college with a crèche?
Is she the kind of person who could live on her own or is a foster arrangement for her and the baby more suitable?
Whatever the rights and wrongs, your dmum doesn't want to be involved so maybe making some practical decisions about what happens going forward would give your dsis some direction.
You are doing brilliantly, OP.

@icecreamgirl94

Your sister changed her mind about having a termination of pregnancy. Twice. You say you fully support her right to make that decision.

Your mother has changed her mind about having your sister and her newborn baby move from your house to her house. But you are not supporting your mother’s right to make that decision at all. You say you are disappointed and have even threatened to cut her off from seeing your own children.

Why are you supporting your sister’s right to choose but trying to punish your mother? Is it so hard to accept that a women of 56 has rights too? Do rights only belong to the young and beautiful ?

This baby has two parents and four grandparents. They all seem to be allowed the right to choose how involved they are.

The mother decides to have the baby - cool

The father decides to walk away - cool.

The paternal grandparents walk away - cool.

The maternal grandfather can’t have her to stay as it’s inconvenient - what a hero he is!

The sister has decided she need to move out so her own baby can have its own bedroom - well that’s only natural, but she’s an amazing sister.

The grandmother decides not to have her move in - she’s an evil cow, a disgrace , has ruined the whole family, irresponsible etc etc

Some people seem to find it really REALLY hard to accept that middle aged women have rights too. Hey all you pro choice people - guess what, she gets to make her own choices.

It’s almost as if middle aged women are only allowed human rights as long as they don’t inconvenience anyone else - they are some sort of lesser class of human whose only role is to serve others.

Everyone here is having to live with the consequences of their decisions.

The two sisters and their father decides to conceal the pregnancy from the grandmother , while still expecting that she will step up when they want her to.

The two sisters decided to move in together, again without telling the truth to their mother.

The two sisters decide not to contact any of the relevant agencies and ask for support / advice. It was all about being pregnant together and relaxing.

But now the birth is imminent and it’s no longer about fun relaxation - the supportive sister and supportive dad don’t want her anymore. So everyone else has decided that she needs to move in with her evil unsupportive grandmother - whether the grandmother consents or not.

Suddenly all the huge supportive family seem to have disappeared.

No one wants the hard work of supporting a 16 year old and her new born baby. So we’ve all decided that’s grandma’s job. And grandma just needs to do as she’s told.

@Turtletotem

There are some nasty people posting on here. I think you sound like a lovely big sister and your husband also sounds great supporting your sister staying etc she is lucky to have you both. I think your mum needs to get a grip of herself.

Don't be childish - people are not "nasty" because they do not agree with your ideas . It is perfectly acceptable to consider /discuss all scenarios form abortion ( too late ) to adoption.

I know that there are many women who have had children young and who have gone on to have happy and successful lives . However I do not believe for one second that this was done without financial support from parents , family and the State . This seems to be a normal response by many on here - oh well apply for benefits . Really what 16 year old with a part time job can afford to support herself ? She cannot .

[quote C0NNIE]@icecreamgirl94

Your sister changed her mind about having a termination of pregnancy. Twice. You say you fully support her right to make that decision.

Your mother has changed her mind about having your sister and her newborn baby move from your house to her house. But you are not supporting your mother’s right to make that decision at all. You say you are disappointed and have even threatened to cut her off from seeing your own children.

Why are you supporting your sister’s right to choose but trying to punish your mother? Is it so hard to accept that a women of 56 has rights too? Do rights only belong to the young and beautiful ?

This baby has two parents and four grandparents. They all seem to be allowed the right to choose how involved they are.

The mother decides to have the baby - cool

The father decides to walk away - cool.

The paternal grandparents walk away - cool.

The maternal grandfather can’t have her to stay as it’s inconvenient - what a hero he is!

The sister has decided she need to move out so her own baby can have its own bedroom - well that’s only natural, but she’s an amazing sister.

The grandmother decides not to have her move in - she’s an evil cow, a disgrace , has ruined the whole family, irresponsible etc etc

Some people seem to find it really REALLY hard to accept that middle aged women have rights too. Hey all you pro choice people - guess what, she gets to make her own choices.

It’s almost as if middle aged women are only allowed human rights as long as they don’t inconvenience anyone else - they are some sort of lesser class of human whose only role is to serve others.

Everyone here is having to live with the consequences of their decisions.

The two sisters and their father decides to conceal the pregnancy from the grandmother , while still expecting that she will step up when they want her to.

The two sisters decided to move in together, again without telling the truth to their mother.

The two sisters decide not to contact any of the relevant agencies and ask for support / advice. It was all about being pregnant together and relaxing.

But now the birth is imminent and it’s no longer about fun relaxation - the supportive sister and supportive dad don’t want her anymore. So everyone else has decided that she needs to move in with her evil unsupportive grandmother - whether the grandmother consents or not.

Suddenly all the huge supportive family seem to have disappeared.

No one wants the hard work of supporting a 16 year old and her new born baby. So we’ve all decided that’s grandma’s job. And grandma just needs to do as she’s told.[/quote]
Again - 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[quote C0NNIE]@icecreamgirl94

Your sister changed her mind about having a termination of pregnancy. Twice. You say you fully support her right to make that decision.

Your mother has changed her mind about having your sister and her newborn baby move from your house to her house. But you are not supporting your mother’s right to make that decision at all. You say you are disappointed and have even threatened to cut her off from seeing your own children.

Why are you supporting your sister’s right to choose but trying to punish your mother? Is it so hard to accept that a women of 56 has rights too? Do rights only belong to the young and beautiful ?

This baby has two parents and four grandparents. They all seem to be allowed the right to choose how involved they are.

The mother decides to have the baby - cool

The father decides to walk away - cool.

The paternal grandparents walk away - cool.

The maternal grandfather can’t have her to stay as it’s inconvenient - what a hero he is!

The sister has decided she need to move out so her own baby can have its own bedroom - well that’s only natural, but she’s an amazing sister.

The grandmother decides not to have her move in - she’s an evil cow, a disgrace , has ruined the whole family, irresponsible etc etc

Some people seem to find it really REALLY hard to accept that middle aged women have rights too. Hey all you pro choice people - guess what, she gets to make her own choices.

It’s almost as if middle aged women are only allowed human rights as long as they don’t inconvenience anyone else - they are some sort of lesser class of human whose only role is to serve others.

Everyone here is having to live with the consequences of their decisions.

The two sisters and their father decides to conceal the pregnancy from the grandmother , while still expecting that she will step up when they want her to.

The two sisters decided to move in together, again without telling the truth to their mother.

The two sisters decide not to contact any of the relevant agencies and ask for support / advice. It was all about being pregnant together and relaxing.

But now the birth is imminent and it’s no longer about fun relaxation - the supportive sister and supportive dad don’t want her anymore. So everyone else has decided that she needs to move in with her evil unsupportive grandmother - whether the grandmother consents or not.

Suddenly all the huge supportive family seem to have disappeared.

No one wants the hard work of supporting a 16 year old and her new born baby. So we’ve all decided that’s grandma’s job. And grandma just needs to do as she’s told.[/quote]
Well said . It seems that the Mum is the one to be expected to step up. On all other threads on MN where people are bickering about husband's doing their 50% share of breakfasts in the morning etc there is NO MENTION of ' you are a Mum and it is solely up to you ' . Then there are the new Mums who don't want to "share" their baby with their Mother or MIL but suddenly it all changes when they need child-care . Good old Mum eh ?

Still so many people not getting it or just deliberately missing the point. No one forced DM to do anything, no one lied to her, no one expected her to pick up the pieces. We had what I thought was an adult discussion about what would be happening and together it was decided DSis would be moving back in with her. Once DSis had moved back in it would be down to DM to decide how long she would allow her to stay. DM has now changed her mind on all of that and doesn’t want her back at all. My original post was AIBU to have expected better from DM, not because she’s a middle aged woman who doesn’t get a say, but because this is her daughter and she had originally been perfectly willing to have her living with her again for at least a short time when the reality was still a while away. Now it’s practically here she’s changed her mind. It’s not quite the same as DSis changing her mind in abortion, that wasn’t an already agreed situation. Thank you though to the people that have understood the situation, and no I don’t mean the posters that have said DM is horrible, I mean the people that have offered constructive criticism and advice. It’s also not been said anywhere that I have threatened to cut contact with DM, I responded to one poster saying I didn’t know what it would mean for mine and DM’s relationship IF she chose not to acknowledge DSis’s baby at all. That’s a very big if so really no need to blow it out of all proportion.
Anyway, DSis has been up since 8 o’clock this morning and thinks she is in labour so today could be an interesting one!

Good luck OP. (And Dsis)

[quote C0NNIE]@icecreamgirl94

Your sister changed her mind about having a termination of pregnancy. Twice. You say you fully support her right to make that decision.

Your mother has changed her mind about having your sister and her newborn baby move from your house to her house. But you are not supporting your mother’s right to make that decision at all. You say you are disappointed and have even threatened to cut her off from seeing your own children.

Why are you supporting your sister’s right to choose but trying to punish your mother? Is it so hard to accept that a women of 56 has rights too? Do rights only belong to the young and beautiful ?

This baby has two parents and four grandparents. They all seem to be allowed the right to choose how involved they are.

The mother decides to have the baby - cool

The father decides to walk away - cool.

The paternal grandparents walk away - cool.

The maternal grandfather can’t have her to stay as it’s inconvenient - what a hero he is!

The sister has decided she need to move out so her own baby can have its own bedroom - well that’s only natural, but she’s an amazing sister.

The grandmother decides not to have her move in - she’s an evil cow, a disgrace , has ruined the whole family, irresponsible etc etc

Some people seem to find it really REALLY hard to accept that middle aged women have rights too. Hey all you pro choice people - guess what, she gets to make her own choices.

It’s almost as if middle aged women are only allowed human rights as long as they don’t inconvenience anyone else - they are some sort of lesser class of human whose only role is to serve others.

Everyone here is having to live with the consequences of their decisions.

The two sisters and their father decides to conceal the pregnancy from the grandmother , while still expecting that she will step up when they want her to.

The two sisters decided to move in together, again without telling the truth to their mother.

The two sisters decide not to contact any of the relevant agencies and ask for support / advice. It was all about being pregnant together and relaxing.

But now the birth is imminent and it’s no longer about fun relaxation - the supportive sister and supportive dad don’t want her anymore. So everyone else has decided that she needs to move in with her evil unsupportive grandmother - whether the grandmother consents or not.

Suddenly all the huge supportive family seem to have disappeared.

No one wants the hard work of supporting a 16 year old and her new born baby. So we’ve all decided that’s grandma’s job. And grandma just needs to do as she’s told.[/quote]

There are some really hard-of-thinking posts on this thread and the cheerleading is nauseating. How can OP champion one family member's rights to do what they want whilst absolutely trampling on the other's rights? Bizarre way to behave.

I find it hugely hypocritical of your mother to be so judgy and unsupportive towards her 16 year old daughter when you admit yourself that your sister was an "unplanned surprise" and your mother had an affair and cheated on your father.

Your mother is hardly in a position to be judging other people's behaviour when her own could easily be judged as being pretty shitty/stupid/wrong.

I get that noone is going to be overjoyed that their 16 year old is pregnant but its too bloody late now isnt it? its done. She either has the choice of being supportive or not being supportive. I think it sucks that she's not willing to help her own daughter and she needs to realise this could negatively affect their relationship forever. If I was the 16 year old I certainly wouldnt be helping my mother in her old age if this is how she treated me....