Me and DSis pregnant. Mum only happy for me.

[icecreamgirl94]

Hi, newbie here. Not sure exactly what I’m asking to be honest, I’ve been debating what to write for a few hours! I think I just need to write it down.
I’m pregnant, due in March. This is the best news ever, DP and I have been trying for 6 years and had 2 losses so all the family are on cloud 9.
My 16 year old sister is also pregnant, obviously unplanned. The father doesn’t want any involvement and DSis had an abortion booked twice but has decided to keep the baby and the family have said they will support her choice. Everyone that is except our mum who has taken the news very badly. DSis didn’t tell her until nearly 4 months and since then their relationship has been awful. Back in September I invited DSis to stay with me and DP throughout the pregnancy, I thought it might be nice for us to be pregnant together and be a more relaxing environment for her. Since then DM has barely spoken to her.
Anyway the reason I’m posting is because DSis is due now and looks like she could go at any moment. She’s in our spare room (which is meant to be the nursery for our baby) and none of us really know what to do once her baby arrives. Realistically she can’t stay here, but I don’t want her to go back to DM’s if she isn’t going to be supportive. I’d hoped that once the baby arrived DM’s attitude would change but that seems less and less likely. DM is also really excited about my baby which makes me feel awful for poor DSis who is really anxious about the birth and just wants her mum. AIBU to expect better from DM?
Sorry I don’t even know why I’m posting this, I just don’t know what to do. Thanks if anyone does read.

She's not in any way equipped to raise a child and she stayed pregnant anyway, there is no maturity in that decision.

Thisassumption that a termination is a viable choice needs to stop. It may be a choice. It may not be. No one is obliged. Some cannot.

There's a difference between coercing your daughter into an abortion and refusing to take on the responsibility of housing and raising a baby.

I agree that the mother shouldn’t be forced to take on the care of the baby but ultimately she has voluntarily had a child herself and has to provide care for that child, who now despite being in many ways still a child is pregnant.

I actually think support in the next few years could make a difference in how much support your sister needs longer term. If she was completely left to her own devices and floundered disastrously then social services could end up on the grandmother’s doorstep trying to persuade her to take the baby in. Whereas with support through the first couple of years at least your sister may be more likely to emerge as a capable and mature mother.

@sadpapercourtesan

You think deciding not to have an abortion is "attention-seeking"? Are you mad?

I can't believe there are people who think like this.

It’s nuts. The teens I knew went blindly ahead, in some bizarre way thinking that pregnancy was the hard bit 😂😳 But boy did they find out the hard way. So far from ideal as to be bloody depressing.

The morning after pill would have been a wise idea, but often teens WANT to get pregnant as they think it will make the boy love them and also
“ Have someone to love me” ( The baby)

A mess, for sure

I also feel for the 16 yr old boy.

He went with her TWICE for a termination, and she bottled out.

His life is fucked, too.

It's very easy to come in gunning for Grandma in this scenario. I imagine she is feeling all sorts of emotions about this and hopefully she will reach out to her younger daughter and offer some support.

It's a very difficult situation and it's easy for those not involved to judge her actions as cold towards her daughter. She probably does feel disappointed, worried and guilty.

I say this as a grandma of 41.
My daughter was also 16 and it was a huge shock to us all. Did I expect to be a grandma so young - of course not, who does.
But I supported my daughter with her choice and helped her get ready for the baby. If she had chosen to terminate the pregnancy I would have supported her the same. However that doesn't mean I was caring for baby, my DD was mum and took on the responsibility (with help like I would have if she had been 16 or 26).

She lived at home for about a year and now has her own home. She has missed out on things that her peers are doing but equally she has a lovely home, is studying and working and most importantly, is raising a bright, well loved and cared for child.

The baby is coming and mums of any age need support. I wish you both well OP and hope you can find a way forward with your mum.

The mother has been on a months long sulk. So she could by this stage have helped the 16 year old Organise accommodation; practicalities and still not have to mind or pay for the baby.
Again ad infinitum she has 2 parents, the baby has 2 parents, but its all on the DM!?

What would actually happen if she did move back in with her Mum, (with regard to caring for the baby?). She needs to go to school, and her Mum has a job. Is there childcare help she could claim?

The grandmother, should alongside the other grandparents be supporting this young person to look at her choices.

whilst kicking a pregnant teenager out of the house.

She hasn't actually kicked anyone out of her house however. OP invited her sister to stay with her and the sister accepted the invitation.
She left through choice having received what she thought was a better option than staying and working things through with her angry and upset mother.
It was an understandable choice if not a smart one.

Wow! My Mum wouldn't be seeing my child if she was like that with my sister! Your sister is very lucky to have you, that said, you do need to help her get her own place, 2 newborns in the same house will be hard work!

Boys too need to be advised to learn how to use condoms- practicing at home so they feel at ease with them so they can put one on with confidence.

Morning after pill if there is an accident.
I knew a lovely woman who had been forced to give her baby up for adoption..without her family knowing.
Strict Catholic family, she got pregnant at 16.
I hope she has now made contact with her child, who would now be an adult.
She grieved for her child.

She suffered a lot of undeserved anguish.

@Tessabelle74

Wow! My Mum wouldn't be seeing my child if she was like that with my sister! Your sister is very lucky to have you, that said, you do need to help her get her own place, 2 newborns in the same house will be hard work!

I totally agree. Why not aim to move her out when baby is 5-6mths old and she has found her feet.x

As someone who had a baby at 16, I just want to say you are amazing and she is lucky to have you. Stay strong x

Absolutely right @Inkpaperstars - that's what I was trying to express in earlier posts

What an amazing big sister you are OP! I have no advice to offer but just wanted to say that I hope you and DP also think about yourselves in all of this. This is your first baby and one that has been a long time coming. This should be such a special time for you both but I fear that you are being lost in the drama. I do hope your DM and DSis can sort this out soon otherwise I think it may be an idea that DSis does go to stay with DF so you and DP can enjoy being first time parents.
Whatever happens I wish you and DSis safe deliveries and healthy babies

There’s certainly some interesting arguments on here. I’m not sure where some of the posters who are asking who convinced DSis to keep the baby have got that idea from as I thought I’d made it pretty clear that it was entirely her choice. As I’ve now said a few times, she didn’t tell DM about the pregnancy when she thought she was going to abort, because she didn’t want DM to offer to come with her because she thought it would upset DM. That’s her reasoning and not my place to question. My dad and I both offered to go with her to the appointments but she went with the baby’s dad who had also offered. Twice she couldn’t go through with that. After the second time she took some time to think on her own and decided to keep the baby. No one swayed her or tried to convince her one way or the other. We did tell her that she had to tell DM when she said she was keeping the baby, which she did. DM knows why she was the last to know and certainly when I’ve spoken to her about it she has said she understands why DSis did it that way.
The situation now is basically this, the three of us decided DSis should move in with me during her pregnancy to give her and DM space from each other whilst maintaining contact, and DSis would move back in once the baby was born and at that point it would be decided how long DSis would be staying with DM. All of us were happy with this decision. Since then DM hasn’t really maintained contact with DSis and now says she can’t move back. Fine, she’s perfectly within her rights to do that, the only reason I am disappointed in her is because she has chosen to go back on what she said. I’m now doing my best to get things organised in the short term at least, but as DSis is only a couple of days from her due date and has already been having pains then I don’t want to add any excess pressure on her. I hope that’s made the situation clear enough. Thanks again for continuing to offer helpful advice

I’m nearly 35 weeks pregnant for the person who asked.
Thank you for all the positive comments, I appreciate them.

But you do see that your DM was presented with a fait accompli, don't you? She was the last person told at a point in time when it was too late for your DSis to have an early abortion and so essentially the decision was made without her being able to express a view. Fine, not her decision, you might say, but the assumption you all made was that she would be the one dealing with the consequences.

I hope things go well for you. You've been a kind and caring sister, and although I'm not sure removing your sister and allowing her and your mum to avoid sorting out their issues was the wisest thing to do, you had good intentions. As a result, you've been lumbered with quite a lot of responsibility and may end up caring for three children rather than one. Don't let the situation drag on too long after baby arrives. It's going to put pressure on you and your relationship with your DP at a time when you should be focusing on your own new responsibilities.

What bothers me most about this thread is the unfair assumption that whoever the sister lives with, be that her mother, father or her sister, will be lumbered with caring for the baby.

If this was a 20 year old who's found herself in this position with nowhere permanent to live and no input from the baby's father, would people have the same things to say? You may say that she's irresponsible still but would you be assuming that she won't be raising her own baby? Probably not. Because there isn't a 'teen' at the end of her age bracket.

The fact that this girl is 16 and not older doesn't automatically mean she will leave the duties to whoever she lives with! I find it so wrong that the stereotype of young mothers is clearly rife on this site.

@MotherOfDragons27. It seems a fairly reasonable assumption given that the OP's sister has done nothing to organise herself for the baby coming - no research into accommodation and benefits, hasn't told the father's parents, no research into education options and childcare. She is clearly leaving all of that to those around her, especially her sister at the moment to sort out. How is she even going to pay for nappies and milk?

There's a massive difference between 16 and 18 even, let alone 20. That's why. 16 year olds are children. And should be in full time education, so someone has to look after the baby who isn't them.

You sound like a lovely big sister OP. I don’t think you’ve painted yourself into a corner I think your mother has gone back on the agreement and is really letting your sister down. Your sister didn’t do anything terrible she had sex like loads of other young people and didn’t want an abortion. She will need a lot of emotional support in that first part of being a new mother. Baby’s don’t need nurseries for a while as they should be in with you for 6 months minimum so don’t worry about that yet. It’s normal wanting everything to be in place for your own baby but try and strengthen the fact that these two babies are cousins and will grow up together with mothers and aunties who love them. Poor girl she’s so young and she needs adults around her to be supportive. Thank goodness for you. Longer term maybe your dad would be in a position to move into a bigger place? Might be worth talking to him about that but I’d keep her where she is for a few months. Not sure if that helps. If my girls ever find themselves in this position I’ll be sad for them but they’d need their mum more than ever. Some people have been really nasty here.

Some girls are no more mature at 20 than they are at 16. Heck some women aren't mature enough to be mothers at 30. Her age has no baring on her ability to be a mother.

Yes she has shied away from some things, but it's understandable that she's scared. Anyone would be in her situation, no matter their age. The father has said he doesn't want to be involved, as has her own mother. That would be hard for anyone so deal with. A little empathy wouldn't go amiss.

As for buying milk and nappies, she will receive child benefits (which can only be applied for once baby has arrived) and healthy start vouchers. Breastfeeding is free. The OP has said she has been preparing for baby's arrival and has all she needs. Asking for people to contribute to the baby's needs for Christmas instead of presents for herself shows she is already putting her baby ahead of her own needs.

@MotherOfDragons27. How exactly is a 16 year old going to buy nappies and clothes. What if she needs formula. A babysitter so she can go to school? Nail clippers? Diaper cream? A thermometer? It all adds up.